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Affairs and happy relationship


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People (and experts) say that affair don’t happen in vacuum, meaning that something must be missing in the relationship. This is true in plenty of cases, IMO. But, in the same breath, they also say that no relationship is 100% perfect, that when two people live together, there is bound to be issues that will pop out times and again. Some issues may be insurmountable; some can be worked upon and resolved. I know many cases in happy relationship where affairs happened (including mine :( ) and the offending partner could provide no “apparent reason” for affairs. I also know few cases where WS said that until affair happened, she didn’t know she had so many things missing in relationship (passion, conversations etc.). She, however, returned to her previous relationship and as far as I know, they are happy. However, it did set their life plan a couple of years further.

 

In my case, I broke up with my fiancée over her month long affair. I know our relationship was pretty happy before that; and I believe I’m not projecting her in this view, because until the day I left the country, she was constantly telling me how happy she was that I was in her life. We fought the upheavals together in our 4 years relationship. However, the affair showed me very disgusting side of her that I was unaware of and her dishonesty made it impossible for reconciliation. She even threatened suicide (had to go to therapist; the only time I met her and accompanied her), and now she has to do this semester of her study again. I really don’t think she can complete her study. The girl I knew, she is no more.

 

So I definitely don’t believe that majority of affairs happen in happy marriages/relationship. But for those that did happen in generally happy relationship, I would really appreciate your views from both BS and WS side. Thank you.

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My point of view there are people who cheat, who dont, and some who might cheat. There are so many cases of cheating in good relationships that I dont believe those experts you've mentioned. Why would so many cheating men wont leave their families quotting, that their families are Ok, they just looking for.. Variety. Regarding experts... Councilors pshychotherapists etc they make lots of money trying to fix things up when even a blind person would tell there is nothing to fix up anymore. With such a great divorce rate fixing things is a good business.

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Our marriage was typical - young child, money tight, work & school taking time and energy. All normal issues but they make life harder. A big factor in my wife's cheating was her belief that she deserved better. That I didn't "make" her happy enough. That I wasn't romantic like I used to be. She wanted to be worshipped and taken care of. With the normal ups and downs of young married life she decided it was too hard and wanted to find a new man who would make her happy. She never even hinted her evil intentions to me because I was the backup plan. She was young and good looking and had no trouble finding a couple horny guys happy to drool all over her. She cheated with a clean conscience - she deserved to be happy and was entitled to do whatever she had to do to find that happiness. But real life intruded on her fantasy. This new life didn't really make her happy. She learned that being used like toilet paper wasn't all that charming. That guys will tell her anything to get in her pants. And the biggest thing she learned was that I wasn't perfect but I was real. I was a good provider. In the end she got it all. She got to be charmed and have sex with other guys. She got to spit in my face and then talked me into coming back anyway. I was a spineless worm and came back to the marriage.

 

You are going to find that people cheat for many reasons and there's really no pattern to it. You can't predict it. You have to accept the risk that your woman might cheat on you no matter how happy you think she is or how hard you work to be a great partner. I admire your strength of character and I hope you always stay true to yourself. Life is hard - wish you the best.

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I Don't think Infidelity always happens because something isn't right in the relationship.

 

Let's not forget that the existance of attraction to other men or women during a commited relationship is not cheating.

 

The attraction to others itself is very natural even if we love our spouses very much. What is not natural, what artificial is our technical commitment to not implement this attraction. the attraction comes from our libido... but the commitment to be faithful comes from the brain.

 

This leads to the conclusion that cheating is sometimes just surrendering to

temptations. The sex, the thrill, ect.... Cheating is a decision!

 

In your case OP, she was attracted to the other man, but only while you've been far away, she let herself doing it - She didn't get enough of her her needs from you because you've been far away.

 

And also the fidelity line seemed blur, because you weren't there. She is probably has a weak personality and she surrendered her desires and suppressed the thought of possible consequences.

 

I know a woman who was married for 10 years to her husband which she worshipped and admired. They were like siamese twins, they did everything together, they were ALL THE TIME together, never separated for more than few hours.

 

Once her husband needed to sleep 2 nights out of home because his mother was in a hospital far away! She ended up fc@ing a guy she knew from highschool in a bar bathroom.

 

She just couldn't be alone for even one day!

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My GF/fiancée/Now Wife, went though a very unhealthy (my view of it) time between marriages. She was one person for 32 years, and then an other for 3-4 between her marriages. I wont bore you with the reasons/events why she got "unhealthy". However once she met me - she said I was the perfect man for her, was giddy and desperate to marry me. She had troubles disengaging from that lifestyle, multiple partners, and carried connections into ours - including a long standing one with one older MM. It all came out after we married.

 

We have been to two therapists, and had numerous (tons) of discussion and arguments. Her inability to let go of other relationships, had nothing to do with me, or lack of happiness with being with me. She just was not able to understand how to be in a healthy monogamous relationship or marriage. She had never been in one, nor seen one. Cheating was the norm and not bad thing. She still does not fully understand what marriage and love should be, but has gotten much better with therapy and time.

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My WH has repeatedly said there was nothing I could have done differently that would have prevented his cheating. For him, it was just personal issues built up over his life time. There was something missing in him. We both say our relationship was pretty good. I do think cheating is a personal problem.

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There's myriad examples on this board alone where waywards say they have a wonderful spouse at home and found themselves cheating anyway. So the notion that the wayward "must" have been unhappy with the marriage or that something "must" have been missing is an argument of logic that doesn't stand up in the face of facts.

 

In many cases, the affection of one person is just never going to be enough. Due to personal issues, they'll take that next hit of external validation wherever they can get it. Is this really the fault of the spouse or marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward simply feels entitled to "more" from life. They want the benefits of a monogamous marriage and the benefits of playing single. Is thus the fault of the spouse or the marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward is so conflict-avoidant that they never adequately share their "needs" (I hate that word, BTW) and the BS is left thinking that the marriage is perfect. Of course, no marriage is perfect anyway. Is the spouse or marriage the cause of the infidelity in this case?

 

Go ahead and throw in a case of good ole "rewriting of marital history," too, like a cherry on top.

 

As a previous poster mentioned, infidelity is a choice. Even in those truly "bad" marriages, the wayward had other logical, ethical, moral, and healthy choices. Instead, they chose the nuclear option.

 

Cheating is a personal problem, not a marital one.

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There's myriad examples on this board alone where waywards say they have a wonderful spouse at home and found themselves cheating anyway. So the notion that the wayward "must" have been unhappy with the marriage or that something "must" have been missing is an argument of logic that doesn't stand up in the face of facts.

 

In many cases, the affection of one person is just never going to be enough. Due to personal issues, they'll take that next hit of external validation wherever they can get it. Is this really the fault of the spouse or marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward simply feels entitled to "more" from life. They want the benefits of a monogamous marriage and the benefits of playing single. Is thus the fault of the spouse or the marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward is so conflict-avoidant that they never adequately share their "needs" (I hate that word, BTW) and the BS is left thinking that the marriage is perfect. Of course, no marriage is perfect anyway. Is the spouse or marriage the cause of the infidelity in this case?

 

Go ahead and throw in a case of good ole "rewriting of marital history," too, like a cherry on top.

 

As a previous poster mentioned, infidelity is a choice. Even in those truly "bad" marriages, the wayward had other logical, ethical, moral, and healthy choices. Instead, they chose the nuclear option.

 

Cheating is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

 

I agree with you. I know the cheater should seek help from a counsellor or therapist, however, a counsellor or therapist cant counsel morals or character into someone?

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You'd have to define happy. Many are blissfully unaware there might be problems, in some cases cheating arises because there's a perfect environment for it to happen. End of the day it's up to the person, they might be happy but when the opportunity presents itself they think they can play with fire and get away with it.

 

Your ex might never have cheated before but in her next relationship she'll think long and hard if the opportunity presents itself again because you showed her cheating does have major consequences.

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My WH has repeatedly said there was nothing I could have done differently that would have prevented his cheating. For him, it was just personal issues built up over his life time. There was something missing in him. We both say our relationship was pretty good. I do think cheating is a personal problem.

 

Same story here.

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There's myriad examples on this board alone where waywards say they have a wonderful spouse at home and found themselves cheating anyway. So the notion that the wayward "must" have been unhappy with the marriage or that something "must" have been missing is an argument of logic that doesn't stand up in the face of facts.

 

In many cases, the affection of one person is just never going to be enough. Due to personal issues, they'll take that next hit of external validation wherever they can get it. Is this really the fault of the spouse or marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward simply feels entitled to "more" from life. They want the benefits of a monogamous marriage and the benefits of playing single. Is thus the fault of the spouse or the marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward is so conflict-avoidant that they never adequately share their "needs" (I hate that word, BTW) and the BS is left thinking that the marriage is perfect. Of course, no marriage is perfect anyway. Is the spouse or marriage the cause of the infidelity in this case?

 

Go ahead and throw in a case of good ole "rewriting of marital history," too, like a cherry on top.

 

As a previous poster mentioned, infidelity is a choice. Even in those truly "bad" marriages, the wayward had other logical, ethical, moral, and healthy choices. Instead, they chose the nuclear option.

 

Cheating is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

Standing ovation. Exactly. Even down to the word "needs".

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I agree with you. I know the cheater should seek help from a counsellor or therapist, however, a counsellor or therapist cant counsel morals or character into someone?

 

But a therapist can dig into why a person would "need" external validation so much or could point out severe conflict-avoidance or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Many times these things develop during childhood and healthier coping mechanisms can be brought to bear.

 

Consequences can also be effective but I find them both unsavory and potentially short-lived in effectiveness.

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There's myriad examples on this board alone where waywards say they have a wonderful spouse at home and found themselves cheating anyway. So the notion that the wayward "must" have been unhappy with the marriage or that something "must" have been missing is an argument of logic that doesn't stand up in the face of facts.

 

In many cases, the affection of one person is just never going to be enough. Due to personal issues, they'll take that next hit of external validation wherever they can get it. Is this really the fault of the spouse or marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward simply feels entitled to "more" from life. They want the benefits of a monogamous marriage and the benefits of playing single. Is thus the fault of the spouse or the marriage?

 

In other cases, the wayward is so conflict-avoidant that they never adequately share their "needs" (I hate that word, BTW) and the BS is left thinking that the marriage is perfect. Of course, no marriage is perfect anyway. Is the spouse or marriage the cause of the infidelity in this case?

 

Go ahead and throw in a case of good ole "rewriting of marital history," too, like a cherry on top.

 

As a previous poster mentioned, infidelity is a choice. Even in those truly "bad" marriages, the wayward had other logical, ethical, moral, and healthy choices. Instead, they chose the nuclear option.

 

Cheating is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

I truly never saw mine coming...My WW wanted to go back to work ..we did not need the money as i make in the low 6 figures and she had everything she ever wanted...house ,cars ..trips..etc...

I totally misread everything when she started work..She talk constantly of her Boss/OM...she lied about many things including gym memberships...clothes ..and late nights at work...her phone became her life..and HE promoted her so they could travel together...I did see dozens of RED FLAGS but really did not see clearly until she left her phone in my car from the night before...hundreds of text and some pics...

 

Many of you know my story...re: OM showing me pics of them and my lawsuit against the company....and the horrific devastation of 2 families....

 

My point is I thought we were happy secure and i never saw it coming....sure red flags but not what i saw and found out...

 

In the last year ...i have some to realize She made a Choice...Not a Mistake..But a Choice...It had nothing to do with me...any WW here could had said no Hundreds of times before the sex takes place..

 

A earlier post quoted the infidelity author Shirley Glass "It is a very Long road to the first Kiss..but the road to sex is very short from there"

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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No relationship is perfect all of the time, involving, as they do, two humans, who are, each one, capable of selfishness, vanity, stupidity, but not everyone takes that as a license to cheat. Making an excuse for betrayal and deception is an entirely different issue than having ups and downs in a relationship.

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The perfect relationship doesn't exist. But there's no question that you should respect your partner enough not to cheat. See, a lot of times it's the cheater who has the problems in him/herself prior to the relationship.

 

Besides, if a relationship really were that bad, why is it often only that one person cheating and not the other too, and why does the marriage suddenly look unbearable after the affair has begun?

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Bittersweetie

True, no relationship is perfect. In my case, my A was the result of my own issues and hurtful choices. Plus I thought my husband's job was to make me happy, but he wasn't. Now I know the only person who can make me happy is me.

 

We're five years out from d-day now, and the past couple of months have been rough (not A related). But the difference is how me, and us, are handling things. Before the A, I'd think: "He's not doing this, or that, etc. Why is he doing that?" Now, I'm thinking: "What concrete thing can I do to help this situation? What concrete thing can he do to help the situation? Is this situation permanent, or temporary?" Or we're talking through things, maybe without a solution just yet, but the stuff is out there.

 

It's funny, because I look back at my life just before the A, and I had it made. Now, I'm overwhelmed half the time and exhausted the other half. But I'm so much happier than I was then...I think because I'm mentally healthier and thankful for what I have.

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AlwaysGrowing

If a bad marriage causes infidelity then all bad marriages would have infidelity. And most certainly all marriages that have infidelity on one side would have it on both.

 

Being that we know the above is NOT true, then we can say bad marriages do not cause infidelity. People choose infidelity.

 

And people choose infidelity in bad marriages, after being cheating on, in okay marriages, during a spouses illness, a child's illness, a death in the family, job loss, new job, middle aged, old age, kids at home, kids leaving and good marriages.

 

There is no constant in the circumstance...only the choice. And the choice laid with the WS.

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When it comes to happiness, for some people, it's like trying to fill a sieve. you can pour huge amounts into it, but it will never be enough. i don't know why they are like that. Could be they were spoiled as a child, or felt abandoned, or maybe they just fall intot he trap of "you deserve it" that exists in mass culture.

for whatever the reason, there are some people who will never be happy, either because they just can't or they just won't allow it.

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And most certainly all marriages that have infidelity on one side would have it on both.

 

^^^^ This.

 

Last I checked, both the BS and WS were in the same marriage. And most of the time the issues cited - intimacy, finances, family, etc - are the same for both partners.

 

Don't remember the exact wording, but I read once that infidelity is the search for an answer by one partner when the other doesn't know the question is being asked...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Jkidding: “With such a great divorce rate fixing things is a good business.” You are so right, but in my part of world MC/IC is not as thriving, I think.

 

Drifter777: Your story is very gut-wrenching. Thank you for the post. The over-inflated sense of entitlement and chasing the ideal new ‘partner’ without audacity to break the old relationship. Ugh!.... I hope you are living contented life, atleast. You must have your reasons for staying and I respect that. I ‘m a planner by nature, and when you said “You are going to find that people cheat for many reasons and there's really no pattern to it. You can't predict it. You have to accept the risk that your woman might cheat on you no matter how happy you think she is or how hard you work to be a great partner (I cringed here). I admire your strength of character and I hope you always stay true to yourself. Life is hard - wish you the best.” Thank you.

 

Lolablue17: Thank you for the great post. Temptations and attraction to others exist in happy relationship, I felt that. But the decision to work on that…. I couldn’t even think about that. “She just couldn't be alone for even one day!” Sheesh! I didn’t know this kinda people even exist. But I don’t think this unlikely. My ex-fiancee’s affair cleared many pre-conceived ideas about people and relationship. I tended to believe that most people are like me.

 

Dichotomy: Thank you. Is cheating more nurture than nature? I understand it is very very complex thing and there would be hundreds if not thousands variables that would play role in precipitating this totally irrational thing called infidelity. But your’s looks like a very particular case. Didn’t she realize that it would hurt you tremendously ? Sorry, I know you must have thought about it and discussed about it like million times.

 

Purplesorrow: Thank you. This is what galls me, that there is nothing I could have done to stop her affair. What galls me more is there’s nothing I could do to not being cheated on in my future relationship and prevent myself from this kind of misery.

 

BetrayedH: Thank you for your so eloquently-put post. I’m going to copy and paste this in my diary and I really hope you don’t mind. There is much food for thoughts in your post. I naively used to think that if I try keeping my partner and relationship happy, there would be no cheating. When my every friends were busy making girlfriends from teens, I was more focused in my study and career… I used to think, “so what, without good job and steady income, I won’t be able to make my girlfriend happy and hold on to the relationship” Now I’m 29. I was a fool, ain’t I? Somebody wrote that the only way to be not cheated upon in future is to choose partner wisely, but then again people change…aargh! It’s all gamble and there’s no guarantee and I don’t want to feel this pain again and I hate it. I apologize for ranting while replying to your post.

 

Trotters: I also don’t think a therapist can forcibly make somebody moral but may be they can help with childhood issues or other treatable issues if any.

 

Darren Steez: Thank you. I agree with you that happiness is subjective, but then if somebody is unhappy and there are problems in relationship, shouldn’t the partner be made aware of. And sometime the problem is so nebulous. I remember my friend who broke up with her boyfriend of 2.5 years. Her main reason was, that “he was not unpredictable enough; he planned everything before; he lacked spontaneity”. In my case also, I was not made aware of any problems and even after the mess, she couldn’t say why. After a few weeks, I realized that the deed was done and why shouldn’t matter. Though now again, I’m always thinking of whys.

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Badkarma2013: Thank you for the post. Your ex doing things that she always refused to you (for 20 years ?) was very vile thing… and the OM showing you the pics was also very despicable even as revenge. I applaud you for wrecking the OM’s life (that must have been a balm in the whole sordid mess), but it never takes away the damage it already did. I hope you are as okay as you can be given the circumstance.

 

Bartlett67: Thank you. I understand this.

 

No Limit: “why does the marriage suddenly look unbearable after the affair has begun?” This makes me wonder too. I have noticed this among some of my acquaintances also. Until the affair happens, the relationship is okay, may be somewhat stale but generally happy, but after the affair, “s/he doesn’t listen to me anymore, s/he doesn’t dresses well for me, s/he is too occupied with children etc etc ad nauseam and the entire comparison thing.

 

Bittersweetie: Thank you. “…Plus I thought my husband's job was to make me happy, but he wasn't.” This is what I used think also. But what I’m learning now is that I can help somebody to “be happy”, but that I can’t “make them happy” and vice versa. I really liked your thinking about handling the problem together; even if the problem is there and is very difficult to resolve, being mindful of that and continuously try to not let it hamper the relationship. Thank you.

 

Alwaysgrowing: “There is no constant in the circumstance...only the choice. And the choice laid with the WS” I agree with this, logically. But I’m not being able to reconcile this with some part of my mind that still says that there should be something…anything which if I had done, this would not happen. I’m learning slowly, though.Thank you for the post.

 

Truncated: Thank you. “there are some people who will never be happy, either because they just can't or they just won't allow it.” I agree that there are more people like this than I (used to) think. Movies, music, books…many of them glorifying affairs, with themes like “even if you humiliate me and rip my heart out and crush it, I will be waiting for you”, search for “soulmate” and “the one” even when already in committed relationship, the sense of entitlement, the selfishness…something is wrong with us. Or may be it was always like this, and I didn’t know it (this is more likely).

 

Mr. Lucky: Thank you. Very succinct and well said. I think I will always remember this line “ infidelity is the search for an answer by one partner when the other doesn't know the question is being asked...

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My ex-fiancee threatened to commit suicide if I don’t hear her out. Until a week ago, I had returned all her mails (that she put in my postbox).So, the condition that I heard that she’s in, she may well do that (self harm), so I talked with her mom. I called my ex and told her that I will only talk with her if she promises to go with me to psychiatrist. So we talked. She must have done some reading and for the moment I was afraid that she may have stumbled upon my post. But because, her English is poor, she didn’t, I think. She talked platitudes and wanted the same old relationship. So I tried to break to her gently that may be in future we can have relationship, but for now, and for me atleast this relationship is deader than dead. I asked her why, and she said she don’t know.So I asked her if she don’t know how can she assure me that this will not happen? She just cried. What she doesn’t realize is that her affair has shaken me to the core, and I has to relearn so many things, that it will take a long long time and work to resolve it and that we don’t have that time to redo everything. When I returned to my room, I just cried and cried.Other people may not be able to make you happy, but they are more than capable of making you very sad.

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Affairs can happen in a multitude of situations. Statistically they are more common in troubled marriages. But it doesn't mean a "happy marriage" is affair proof. And two people can be in the same marriage but not really. Which is why "I was in the same marriage and didn't cheat" really doesn't always fit. Sometimes, because of people being so different and having their own personalities, one spouse can be happy and the other not. and in extreme cases the one who is happy has even had the other spouse try to communicate to them but they turn a deaf ear to it.

 

But it will always come back to the cheater choosing to cheat. It is a choice, no one makes them.

 

And one thing is for certain. Once cheating occurs a happy marriage more than not takes a nose dive into being broken.

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So I tried to break to her gently that may be in future we can have relationship,

 

You shouldn't have said that. Imagine you're pulling her tooth slowly. If it's over then it's over. No need to give false hopes. That is actually cruel.

 

Dont worry after some 6 months she will take your house/apartment and most of your money ;) People who fk on the side care only about themselves (otherwise they wouldn't be doing that). And they dont commit suicides because hey, it was just sex :)

Edited by Jkidding
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