Bad night

[OverIt75]

I guess BH has been holding things in and it finally all came up and out tonight. He is 'disgusted' by me. . It felt like we were making progress and now it feels like the opposite.

 

This is so hard.

[Owl6118]

It's not going to be linear. Its a huge life-altering hurt, more than anyone can deal with all at once. For self-preservation, some emotions go on hold, and only come out when he is strong enough to handle them.

 

Remember: he is there. That choice is his daily gift. Some days it will cost him dearly to give it.

[lovinDKT3]

I guess BH has been holding things in and it finally all came up and out tonight. He is 'disgusted' by me. . It felt like we were making progress and now it feels like the opposite.

 

This is so hard.

 

I wouldn't say holding it in, its more like processing what you've done.

 

Another thing, you have to understand many of the things he will start saying to you is from pain. As hard as it will hurt to hear you have to understand where its coming from.

 

Hang in there, and be there. Stay honest even if its hard. The outcome of your marriage is out of your control, focus on getting yourself better everyday and being there for him.

[Owl6118]

And gently, OverIt, and saying this not to hurt but because I want to see you succeed--this is kinda why we were trying to warn you on the other side. You are far from out of the woods, and your attention and full mindfulness needs to be on the relationship you want to heal and the person who needs your help to deal with the hurt inflcted.

[OverIt75]

Thank you, Lovin and Owl.

 

I guess what I struggle with is that it all feels like too much sometimes. Like too big to get beyond. And I fear the way he looks at me. I am here and committed but sometimes I want to run and hide. I'm afraid I am never going to be worthwhile in his eyes. I have no job. I've put all my eggs in one basket. It is where I want to be...it just feels scary.

 

And I know that the feelings I have are x 1000 for him. That is what frightens me.

[Owl6118]

So you don't think of the long haul. You take it one day, one night, one breath to the next if need be. And so you will get through it.

 

Every time you stay with him in the bad pain and ride through it with him advances his healing. And every time you feel that empathy and shoulder that responsibility advances yours.

 

Lovin is right, you can't control the outcome of the marriage. But every moment you don't run and do bear up makes you more the person you want to, should, and deserve to be. One who shows love, and can be counted on when her loved ones are in hurt.

[Selfish]

Hang in there. Resist the urge to run and hind. But also stay strong. Your affair was disgusting and right now when he looks at you he sees your affair.

 

As he heals and as you prove you are working on yourself while the affair remains disgusting you will slowly be separated from it because of your current actions and remorse.

 

And if he decides he doesn't want to reconcile. You will not forever be defined as "disgusting" either. You will still be able to make choices as you go that are good. You will put the "disgusting" behind you.

[lovinDKT3]

Thank you, Lovin and Owl.

 

I guess what I struggle with is that it all feels like too much sometimes. Like too big to get beyond. And I fear the way he looks at me. I am here and committed but sometimes I want to run and hide. I'm afraid I am never going to be worthwhile in his eyes. I have no job. I've put all my eggs in one basket. It is where I want to be...it just feels scary.

 

And I know that the feelings I have are x 1000 for him. That is what frightens me.

 

DKT once told me its easier to leave then it is to stay, if he is there its because he wants to be. As long as he is there and not mistreating you then you have to fight that urge to run.

 

I told you a long time ago this would be about not being in control, you at one point thought you had total control of your marriage and your husband was too passive. Now your dealing with the reality of your affair.

 

Try to stay in the moment, if you start thinking too much about the future it can feel like the weight of the world landed on your shoulders. Stand strong TODAY, tomorrow will be a new day, hopefully a better day. Enjoy the good days, and get through the bad ones. With hard work and honesty the better days will out number the bad.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Of course it is easy when it is easy and hard when it is hard.

 

Anyone can do easy.

 

Now hard, that is a whole other kettle of fish.

 

If you can flip a switch inside of you to change the narrative of the difficult times to something along the lines of....I have been given an opportunity to show my husband that I am no longer WS, that now he has before him friend, teammate, wife, lover, confidante.....and support. These times are the very times that I need to prove myself...to him...and more importantly...to me.

[drifter777]

Something triggered him. He is suffering more then you can comprehend. You are the enemy - the one who caused all this pain and hurt and sadness and shame. You.

 

I know how he feels and everything looks dark and empty for him right now. He will probably need a nights sleep to shake the images and anger out of his mind. I'd wait to talk to him until he comes to you. When he does - and he will - just be real with him. Answer any questions truthfully. Tell him how you feel - not how you wish you could feel.

 

You know there's no guarantee he will be able to reconcile. You know that because you've read about it. But do you REALLY know that your marriage could be over? If you really want this second chance you are going to have to keep working at it. Believe me, every day he is carrying this painful burden and it takes a lot of work just to get through the day.

 

You are having a bad night? This is a long, painful process and you're going to have more bad nights. Are you strong enough to work through it with him?

[Mr. Lucky]

He is 'disgusted' by me. .

 

Is it a surprise that he would want to test and maybe even hurt you? And that some of the truths of your situation would be painful to hear? You're maybe 25-30% there - and that's a long way, most don't make it even that far. But as others have pointed out, still far to go.

 

And he loves you, he's not disgusted by you. He's disgusted by what you've done...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Friskyone4u]

Over It

Unfortunately you are only at the real beginning of what is going to happen. They say it takes 2-5 years for a relationship to heal from what you have caused. And not to scare you, but if you read most of the literature out there you will see that infidelity is a deal breaker more form men than women. Especially when there is a lot of false R or multiple betrayals.

If you truly want to remain in your marriage you need to understand that you are NEVER going to be the woman he loved and cherished before you climbed into bed with other man or men. That marriage is DEAD, and you can try to build a new one. You are not on his pedestal any more and his emotions are going to be all over the place. That is the price you are going to pay. There are going to be more bad nights and days. But every time you get upset by him yelling or saying unkind things to you, imagine what he feels when he holds you and the images of what you have done start to race through his head. Or when he looks at you and sees the lies and deceit she you told him you were going somewhere but went to meet OM.

You need to do what you can to make him feel as "safe" as possible. If you had girlfriends who covered for you get rid of them. And while you should not totally isolate yourself stay away from any girls night out or situations that can or will trigger him.

Buckle your chin strap. The turbulence is not going away any time soon and you need to stop or avoid feeling sorry for yourself and understand you caused this.

[harrybrown]

You are both in pain.

 

Just think for a moment that he had the year-long affair. You also read some of the A emails. How would you feel? Would you kick him out, or want to stay married?

 

What would you want him to do to show you that he really loved you and that you were not his backup plan?

 

Have you shown him that you are picking him over the OM? Did you help him contact the AP's wife and let her know all about the affair so that the OM has some fallout. I think you said that the AP is getting divorced. But find other ways to make sure the AP has some pain for his actions.

 

He was your boss. Did you file some sexual inappropriate actions against him or is he still ahead of your H in your mind? (I don't think that he is, but you need to show your H some actions and choices against the AP.)

 

Your H is acting out of pain that will be there for some time. You would be angry with him if he had an affair. If he gave his heart and body to another.

 

Maybe now would be a good time to send him a fun text or long text to show him that you are hoping for him and not his rival.

 

You know your H better than we do. Find a way to show your love for him and your kids.

 

I am not great with ideas, but I do hope you and your H find some peace.

[Owl6118]

I have no job. I've put all my eggs in one basket. It is where I want to be...it just feels scary.

 

OverIt, I just wanted to pause for a moment on one bit of this--the loss of job and career--and say,

 

"You've been heard."

 

It is not the most important loss, nor the first thing to work on. But I know your job was senior, was important to you and, whatever it was, specialized enough that it will not simply be replaced in kind at another employer. That is a very real loss.

 

Right now you are were you need to be, at home and working on the relationships that are at the core. But I want to leave you with a thought. I too lost a job that meant--not everything, but a whole lot. It had allowed me to perform at my professional peak and provided a lot of ego boost and external validation from time to time.

 

After losing that job I spiraled down into a major depression. I stayed in the same field doing consulting, but my depression was so disabling I defaulted on my obligations to my clients. When all was said and done I had burned my reputation in that field to the ground. Like yours, my work was highly specialized. Once I torched my reputation there was no road back. It was over.

 

But here is the hope. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The upside of there being no road back was, I was freed of the fallacy of sunk costs. With my wife's help, I came to see that I had something many people never get--a completely clean slate, and a chance to start over doing something that fits and speaks to who I am TODAY, and is not the outgrowth of choices I began making based on who I was 20 years ago (all those sunk costs). My wife asked me "If you could do anything at all--anything--what would you do." I told her I had a fantasy of stringing barbed wire on a wildlife refuge--just stringing fences, all day long. She said, "then that's what you should do." Six weeks later I walked into a park as a volunteer. Four months after that I was on the payroll in an entry-level position. And I have never found as much satisfaction in work as I do in what I do now.

 

So, again, career is not your main concern now, but it is another grief in this. I just want you to have hope. Starting over in work can be freeing. And when you start from zero you have no constraints. Volunteer--sure! Why not--I am not getting paid as it is. Entry level salary--sure! It's more than the nothing I made last week. And the chance to do work that is totally different from what I had done for 20 years, work that fits who I am now, work that gives me healthier forms of validation and has little or none of the frustrations of my old career--priceless.

[BetrayedH]

I guess BH has been holding things in and it finally all came up and out tonight. He is 'disgusted' by me. . It felt like we were making progress and now it feels like the opposite.

 

This is so hard.

 

It's a phase.

 

Forgive the crude analogy but it's like trying to choke down a sh*t sandwich. He's going to do it but every once in a while he's gonna puke and some of it is going to come your direction. You can run from it and just clean yourself up or you can be there for him thru it.

 

I think you should ask yourself why he's holding stuff back. I don't think it's wise for him to do that but that's a different subject. He could just be unloading on you everytime he triggers. But he isn't. Why do you suppose that is?

[OverIt75]

So you don't think of the long haul. You take it one day, one night, one breath to the next if need be. And so you will get through it.

 

Every time you stay with him in the bad pain and ride through it with him advances his healing. And every time you feel that empathy and shoulder that responsibility advances yours.

 

Lovin is right, you can't control the outcome of the marriage. But every moment you don't run and do bear up makes you more the person you want to, should, and deserve to be. One who shows love, and can be counted on when her loved ones are in hurt.

 

That's what my IC says - today, do the right thing.

 

It is good to hear that I can advance his healing by riding those moments out with him. Because sometimes it feels like I am of no help whatsoever.

 

I've given up the control. He knows it's in his hands. But that doesn't mean I've given up.

[OverIt75]

Hang in there. Resist the urge to run and hind. But also stay strong. Your affair was disgusting and right now when he looks at you he sees your affair.

 

As he heals and as you prove you are working on yourself while the affair remains disgusting you will slowly be separated from it because of your current actions and remorse.

 

And if he decides he doesn't want to reconcile. You will not forever be defined as "disgusting" either. You will still be able to make choices as you go that are good. You will put the "disgusting" behind you.

 

Thank you...sometimes even I can't separate myself from the 'disgusting' affair. It has been scary to feel that perhaps the only way I won't be disgusting is to start over completely. But I don't want that...

[OverIt75]

Something triggered him. He is suffering more then you can comprehend. You are the enemy - the one who caused all this pain and hurt and sadness and shame. You.

 

I know how he feels and everything looks dark and empty for him right now. He will probably need a nights sleep to shake the images and anger out of his mind. I'd wait to talk to him until he comes to you. When he does - and he will - just be real with him. Answer any questions truthfully. Tell him how you feel - not how you wish you could feel.

 

You know there's no guarantee he will be able to reconcile. You know that because you've read about it. But do you REALLY know that your marriage could be over? If you really want this second chance you are going to have to keep working at it. Believe me, every day he is carrying this painful burden and it takes a lot of work just to get through the day.

 

You are having a bad night? This is a long, painful process and you're going to have more bad nights. Are you strong enough to work through it with him?

 

I am strong. HE is strong too, in ways I may not be able to imagine. But he is also more emotional than me, more volatile, more sensitive. This is when I worry he won't be able to bear it. I will be there for him, but there are some things I can't DO for him.

 

He came to me this morning with another question...remembering something that happened months ago. I answered truthfully, and fortunately it wasn't revealing anything painful.

 

Ugh...

[OverIt75]

Over It

Unfortunately you are only at the real beginning of what is going to happen. They say it takes 2-5 years for a relationship to heal from what you have caused. And not to scare you, but if you read most of the literature out there you will see that infidelity is a deal breaker more form men than women. Especially when there is a lot of false R or multiple betrayals.

If you truly want to remain in your marriage you need to understand that you are NEVER going to be the woman he loved and cherished before you climbed into bed with other man or men. That marriage is DEAD, and you can try to build a new one. You are not on his pedestal any more and his emotions are going to be all over the place. That is the price you are going to pay. There are going to be more bad nights and days. But every time you get upset by him yelling or saying unkind things to you, imagine what he feels when he holds you and the images of what you have done start to race through his head. Or when he looks at you and sees the lies and deceit she you told him you were going somewhere but went to meet OM.

You need to do what you can to make him feel as "safe" as possible. If you had girlfriends who covered for you get rid of them. And while you should not totally isolate yourself stay away from any girls night out or situations that can or will trigger him.

Buckle your chin strap. The turbulence is not going away any time soon and you need to stop or avoid feeling sorry for yourself and understand you caused this.

 

I don't feel sorry for myself. I guess I just have this hopeless feeling sometimes.

 

I am doing everything I can. I have no passwords on my phone, computer, etc. I run down my schedule for him and check in constantly. I no longer work and am home for the kids after school. I THINK he feels safe with me...now. What he struggles with overall is - if I could do this, when we seemed generally happy, what does it mean for our marriage? For our relationship? I don't even know if I can answer that question

[OverIt75]

OverIt, I just wanted to pause for a moment on one bit of this--the loss of job and career--and say,

 

"You've been heard."

 

It is not the most important loss, nor the first thing to work on. But I know your job was senior, was important to you and, whatever it was, specialized enough that it will not simply be replaced in kind at another employer. That is a very real loss.

 

Right now you are were you need to be, at home and working on the relationships that are at the core. But I want to leave you with a thought. I too lost a job that meant--not everything, but a whole lot. It had allowed me to perform at my professional peak and provided a lot of ego boost and external validation from time to time.

 

After losing that job I spiraled down into a major depression. I stayed in the same field doing consulting, but my depression was so disabling I defaulted on my obligations to my clients. When all was said and done I had burned my reputation in that field to the ground. Like yours, my work was highly specialized. Once I torched my reputation there was no road back. It was over.

 

But here is the hope. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The upside of there being no road back was, I was freed of the fallacy of sunk costs. With my wife's help, I came to see that I had something many people never get--a completely clean slate, and a chance to start over doing something that fits and speaks to who I am TODAY, and is not the outgrowth of choices I began making based on who I was 20 years ago (all those sunk costs). My wife asked me "If you could do anything at all--anything--what would you do." I told her I had a fantasy of stringing barbed wire on a wildlife refuge--just stringing fences, all day long. She said, "then that's what you should do." Six weeks later I walked into a park as a volunteer. Four months after that I was on the payroll in an entry-level position. And I have never found as much satisfaction in work as I do in what I do now.

 

So, again, career is not your main concern now, but it is another grief in this. I just want you to have hope. Starting over in work can be freeing. And when you start from zero you have no constraints. Volunteer--sure! Why not--I am not getting paid as it is. Entry level salary--sure! It's more than the nothing I made last week. And the chance to do work that is totally different from what I had done for 20 years, work that fits who I am now, work that gives me healthier forms of validation and has little or none of the frustrations of my old career--priceless.

 

This is so helpful Owl!!

 

A big part of my personal struggle has been dealing with the loss of this career...and as you put it, all the ego boosting and external validation that came with it.

 

So in an effort to help my H heal, I keep trying to hide the depression that has surfaced as a result of my total life upheaval.

 

My H is so kind and wants to 'take care' of me. But it also makes me feel vulnerable. And I know he also just wants to keep me out of the workforce for now.

 

We have had conversations about the clean slate and me slowly starting to work towards something I have always had an interest in. He is very supportive of that. It obviously helps him too, to put all the trappings of my old life behind us. The difficulty I have had with this is, I don't deserve it...thus, it is hard to embrace at times.

[OverIt75]

It's a phase.

 

Forgive the crude analogy but it's like trying to choke down a sh*t sandwich. He's going to do it but every once in a while he's gonna puke and some of it is going to come your direction. You can run from it and just clean yourself up or you can be there for him thru it.

 

I think you should ask yourself why he's holding stuff back. I don't think it's wise for him to do that but that's a different subject. He could just be unloading on you everytime he triggers. But he isn't. Why do you suppose that is?

 

We starting seeing an MC and at the time, he was talking to me, at me, for hours and hours every day. Every time he had a bad moment, we discussed it. Every time he had a good moment, we discussed it. He would call me and say, I think I'm at a turning point...I feel better. And then 2 hours later, he would be irate about something else. I could only sit there and listen, listen, listen. The MC suggested that at a certain point, this is counterproductive. Especially the amount he would bring up exMM...the constant rehashing of moments. She said that as long as the truth was on the table, we should stop discussing him. That HE had no part in our present relationship. And she suggested that he not share every single emotion with me. But he took that a little too far and stopped saying anything at all. I told him yesterday that I could tell he was suffering but not saying anything, and that I wanted to be able to help him. Then he unloaded...

[Owl6118]

I told him yesterday that I could tell he was suffering but not saying anything, and that I wanted to be able to help him. Then he unloaded...

 

THAT was well done. I know the unloading was hard to bear up under but you did very well to make it safe for him to let that out.

 

And OverIt--the gal here today, the one having a good dialog with the people who try to offer something-- is a much more likable person than the prickly "I got this--let's just stick to what I want to talk about on the terms I want to talk about it" gal of midday yesterday. I have a lot more confidence in OverIt today than I did in OverIt yesterday. Hard as last night was, I like where it seems to have put your head and heart. Just sayin'.

[BetrayedH]

He came to me this morning with another question...remembering something that happened months ago. I answered truthfully, and fortunately it wasn't revealing anything painful.

 

Ugh...

 

No need to say "Ugh" here. He came to you with a question and you answered it honestly. That's a home run because you both win. This helped him. YOU helped him. That is a victory, regardless of how small it may seem or the short-term angst it may cause. Every time you do this, you build intimacy.

 

The alternative is that he doesn't ask the question and build resentment over it or worse, he doesn't ask because he's becoming indifferent.

 

Keep making it a team effort and make him comfortable talking to you. I truly believe that being in it together is the key. Being proactive on your part may really help. Don't shirk from it; embrace the opportunity.

[BetrayedH]

What he struggles with overall is - if I could do this, when we seemed generally happy, what does it mean for our marriage? For our relationship? I don't even know if I can answer that question

 

Know what I would want to hear?

 

I would want to hear that it just means that you f*cked up, that you took your husband and marriage for granted, that you are so sorry for it, that it's NEVER going to happen again, and that you're so thankful for the second chance.

 

If you can say that and mean it, you will land this man. Then you set out to make him the happiest husband on Earth.

 

That's what it means to your marriage.

[Selfish]

Just a story.

 

I had a very smooth recovery that I put in another thread. Not much drama and my husband never went off the deep end. But, he did say hurtful things from time to time. And honestly, it did not send me in the spiral this is seeming to send you. So gently, are you still focusing too much on yourself right now? Because you being "disgusting" was not a clear story of what happened. Did he call you that? or just act like he found you that way. Or did he say "you disgust me". Because without the whole story it is hard to know if you are being melodramatic or not. And this is meant kindly. remember, I am a fws that very few BS agree with...

 

so after that tangent the story.

 

my husband made a comment out of the blue one day. He told me "oh you mean last year when you were whoring around"...

 

that was like a sucker punch to me and before I could help it a few tears sprung to my eyes and I had to leave the room as not to cry in front of him. To many BS it woudn't matter what word he used but to the WS it made the world of difference. to me his words meant I was out banging every dude I could. He did apologize to me. And i apologized again for doing what I did. But the whole thing made me realize that the anger over my actions didn't just go away. Or the pain. He was just sorting through it on his own. After that I reacted much better when something was said. I made his comments less about me and more about his pain.