primer on how to heal?

[Midwestmissy]

In a nutshell, about a year ago my h told me he had had an emotional affair for a few months with his subordinate. It had ended 6 mos earlier, but she was an idiot and they continued to work together and she sent him odd texts about lighting the fire again that led my h to confess. I was devastated. I spent the better part of 2014 studying up on emotional affairs, going to ic and mc. 6 weeks ago he tells me it was full on sexual and that he had had deep feelings for her during the 5 mo pa, while he was her boss. She's also married. The trickle truth for so long has killed me. He thought he could r without ever having to disclose the relationship. He said he never loved her, always told her he wouldn't leave me. I told him that as soon as he booked a hotel room for them, he was telling her that he was in fact willing to risk the whole marriage for sex with her. She listened to his actions, not the pap that came out of his mouth. I of course believed the pap that came out of his mouth.

 

I have been in a state of shock, going through all the cuckoo **** one experiences. I rage, I cry, I accept, I feel humiliated, shame. I've been with him for 27 yrs, married 19, 3 kids, never had a drama or issues. He treated me horrifically (also a first) during the affair and during the trickle truth. Blamed me for a lot, I tried to fix it all.

 

For the record, she's white trash, a serial cheater, and once she was fired the company rebounded financially. She's 50 and should be at the pinnacle of her earning and career, but is just an unemployed prostitute at this point, since that was what he essentially paid her for. I let her h know all the gross details, I've only met her once and gave never been in contact with her. My h is not proud of himself. But he's been out of the affair for 18mos and is over all of it. I'm an educated woman in the high end fashion field, confident and not 50. But I feel like a loser. She's physically vile.

 

I know recovery is a long haul, but I have a few questions, because at the end of the day, I do love my idiot h and will consider giving r a chance, or at least not making any final decisions right now.

 

What is the best way for me to help myself heal? He claims I know everything (Ew ew ew) but since he took so long to tell me, I'm not sure. It's been crazy making. Whether we stay together (he desperately wants to and is doing the right things) or not, I want to feel better.

 

How do you deal with a h who is remorseful but can't be empathetic? He just can't. I think this is why I feel I need to heal myself. By not feeling empathy from him, I'm carrying the shame. He is restarting ic after the new year since our mc has told him he must. But since I don't want to wait for his epiphany, I want to help myself as well.

 

We may not last through this, so be it, but I guess I'd like to know what helped others put one foot in front of the other. I guess if it had just been sex, ok. But he had feelings for a whorish women who fed his ego. She told him cheating didn't make him a bad person. She wanted my cushy life. Can I be married to such a freaking fool? I'd love to hear from wh and ww as well the betrayed. Books, quotes - I'll take anything! I have 2 weeks off work and am hoping to reach more peace within myself, any at all. Thank you all.

[purplesorrow]

First, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. If you could really control him, wouldn't you have made him be faithful? It is not your fault, it was his choice to go outside of your marriage.

You need to focus on you. It can be a real hit to your self-esteem if you allow it to. Eat healthy, workout find new hobbies. Surround yourself with people that love and care about you. Volunteering helped me a great deal. Don't allow his actions to change your perception of yourself. He should be looking for ways to help you heal. If he doesn't offer that, do you really want to stay? Time is your best friend here. I'm almost two years out and feeling better everyday. Peace on your journey.

[badkarma2013]

First, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. If you could really control him, wouldn't you have made him be faithful? It is not your fault, it was his choice to go outside of your marriage.

You need to focus on you. It can be a real hit to your self-esteem if you allow it to. Eat healthy, workout find new hobbies. Surround yourself with people that love and care about you. Volunteering helped me a great deal. Don't allow his actions to change your perception of yourself. He should be looking for ways to help you heal. If he doesn't offer that, do you really want to stay? Time is your best friend here. I'm almost two years out and feeling better everyday. Peace on your journey.

*******************************************************************

My situation was different..At first i let my WWs actions define who i was...

Until my anger took over...I am in now way telling you to become angry..left unchecked it will consume you....as purplesorrow "Don't allow his actions to change your perception of yourself." HE DID THIS...not you..he chose to Deceive and Betray you and your marriage...

 

I UNDERSTAND the hit your self esteem takes...But in the end the choice is yours and was mine...My WW chose to have a A with her Boss and destroy 2 families...That was her choice..

 

I filed for D and went on to have a better life without her...That choice was mine..I never looked back for 1 second..That again was my choice...

 

Surround your self with friends and positive people ...take care of YOU..and what ever you decide ...Peace be with you...

[Spark1111]

Start reading Dr. Shirley Glass and Dr. Frank Pittman's Private Lies.

 

Both are infidelity gurus, plain spoken with lots of common sense advice.

 

Focus on you. I got to the gym, started contacting old and new friends, took some classes I 'd been dreaming about, and just got very busy being the best me I could be.....

[Midwestmissy]

Thank you for taking time to respond. It means so much to hear from people who don't think I'm an overreacting harpy. Did any of you stay with your ws?

[purplesorrow]

Thank you for taking time to respond. It means so much to hear from people who don't think I'm an overreacting harpy. Did any of you stay with your ws?

 

I did try to reconcile a little over a year after dday. I was not able to be fully in so divorce is back on the table. I have a WH who is very remourseful and has done a lot of hard work. Both decisions are difficult, leave or stay.

[Satu]

The way you feel is completely natural as many people could tell you.

 

Be your own best friend. Ask yourself what you need, and make sure you give it to yourself.

 

Treat yourself the way you would treat a beloved friend who was going through the same thing.

 

Invest in yourself.

 

If you do that, there will be spin-off benefits that might help in getting your marriage on a good footing again.

[RightThere]

Did any of you stay with your ws?

 

Yes. Still with my WW a year later, but there was a lot of trickle truth for months and lots of "false starts" on reconciliation.

 

Whatever you are feeling, it's right to feel that way. A year later I still have fits of rage, apathy, sadness, and sometimes the total ability to put it in the past and move on.

 

Take your time to process and decide what you want to do. Take some time for yourself because that will give you the best insight into what you truly want.

[flowergirl14]

As many people will tell you, the cheater only gives about 1% of the truth. Some maybe more but doubtfully 100% truth. They lie, deny and minimize. IF they ever get their head out of their a** and start doing the work to heal the marriage, you have had months, years of the lying. It becomes difficult to believe anything they say or do. You may be worn down by their actions or inactions. Its a long road. Its one that all bs that stay are constantly reassessing wether to stay or go. Im one and a half years past dday and i think in hindsight I should have chose divorce. Trust for me is just too precious and I dont think I can ever truly trust my wh again. On a positive note Im no longer an emotional wreck. I have moments but now i see the A for what it was. A cowardly act by 2 cowards!

[EverySunset]

Thank you for taking time to respond. It means so much to hear from people who don't think I'm an overreacting harpy. Did any of you stay with your ws?

 

I tried two times. The first was an honest, naive attempt at forgiving someone too narcissistic to even apologize. By the second time, we'll, so much surfaced about the first and so many more I didn't know about that...well... I was utterly done.

 

When you get enough posts to send private messages drop me one. You sound like you could use a sister who has walked where where you tread now. And I most certainly have.

 

Hug.