Sexual history issue

[kalim2014]

To the point.

 

I was in a bar one night and a female (the subject) approached me and with little effort after 3 minutes of MINIMAL conversation said lets go back to hers. I insisted on buying her a drink first but she seemed oblivious and we rode in a cab home, stopped off at a petrol station. Bought half a bottle of cognac went back to hers and had amazing sex like 5 times until the morning.

 

We continued to talk and we met again as she was local. As I was drunk the first time we met I had low expectations for how she would look but was suprised and found her more attractive then i thought. We went to hers, had a drink. Had sex again.

 

This has continued for 2.5 months now and me being me have started to put pressure on myself to see if this is more meaningful. Its just my auto pilot mode. So, with reservations but with eagerness I asked how many people she had slept with. She told me 17. But as a rule of thumb this number is probably likley higher but who am I to question it. She had broken from a 4 year relationship previously and said that she went off the rails which is understandable. She then told me during another convesation previously that when she was younger her mother and her had a very relaxed attitude to sex because it is natural and she said that one day age 15? she said she wanted to lose her virginity and was walking by the beach one day and saw the guy she wanted to do this with. She then said she simply told her mum and went to beach and made it happen. She didnt want nothing from it other than to lose her virginity and had no emotional attatchment. She explained that she has a very relaxed attitude to things.

 

Even more during our discussions over 2 months we started talking about our histories. I explained that I had been promiscuous and so on and that put us in a position where we wouldnt judge eachother. But then she dropped a big no no for me. She said..that she considered being an escort a few years ago. She rubbed it off like it wasnt a big deal but I could sense she wasnt joking. I asked her again about it a few weeks later and she said that she considered doing it full time. I thought the idea of just a one off was bad but this was worse than I thought.

 

Now she has a kid. A smart little 7 year old. He is cool. the father was her longest relationship and she passed the comment that she doesnt like him coming over because 'he will try and have sex with me again'. This wasnt what I wanted to hear but I was happy that she wasnt interested. The fact is that he still tries to do this and that means there must be some activity since they broke up and maybe always will be possibly. What gets me thinking is that I made a 'man' comment about how good i was in bed or how well endowed I am and she said I was in the top 3 of her sexual experiences but the kids father was amazing. She said 'wow.' You know the saying you cant turn a ho into a house wife? well im starting to feel that this fruit like for adam and even in the garden in the eden? its will be to much to resist lets say when the honey moon period rubs off and he is still in their life.

 

To add more woe to this situation, today at work I met some of her colleagues (we work for the same company.) I am new and so they didnt know that I know her. They did know that I knew her friend and they then explained that he knew her. Without any input from me with raised eyebrows he said 'she is a wild one'. she likes to "party" this time winking eyebrows. Basically he was saying she will let off quite easily. which he backed up as he said he has heard. I then spoke to his colleague who actually knows her longer than me. 2years. He confirmed this and said basically don't go for romance go for fun. He said his friend has slept with her and that on a night she isnt shy to go out and have 'fun.' if she wants to she will. He was polite about the whole situation as he is her actual friend but through guy code he basically said its rotten fruit. After all know body wants to be the guy who goes out with the girl who has a reputation for being easy and sleeping around.

 

There is more. When I ask her about her commitment and loyalty she never can seems definitive. she cant say that she is absolutely certain that something wont happen. like 'i am 99% sure i dont want anyone else. I dont care how good looking they are and if they were that isnt the thing. they would have blow my mind' kind of thing 'but I really only want to be with you and like being with you.' English is her second language and Russian is first and they have a way of speaking which isnt so sensitive.

 

The things is that she acts like an angel when were together. she cooks for me, tells me she doesn't want anyone else. says she doesn't want to go out which i know is for me. She drinks less to show me that doesn't always drink so much on nights out. she even delivers me food sometimes and buys me toothpaste when i said my gums where bleeding to my work. She does what a girlfriend does. We go out with friends and she stays by my side and never gives a hint that she would go another direction.

 

The problem is when she goes out I don't know how she can be when she is drunk. If she has a reputation, which i gathered from the first night i met her, only 2 months ago, then how can i feel secure that she wont do it again?

Given the evidence I have explained above. She has openly told me she has a relaxed attitude to sex and things like that but has assured me that she is now older and doesn't want that life no more. But I cant help but look at her choices and the way she would lessen herself for example being an escort. I mean, what does that say about how much they value themselves or how easily they can be bought. She has even said 'i wonder if i could be bought' whilst laying in bed which prompted the conversation about escorting. This feels like a mountain to climb here but am torn because I like her. I think i do. I like the idea of having somewhere to go and I think im attracted to her. I like her bubbly personality and we are a pretty good team when were together. I sometimes put my thoughts on hold and give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is a single mum and they would go a bit nuts sometimes looking after a kid all week, working and really missing male companionship. She said she has accepted that she may always be alone and so that may prove to be a catalyst for her behaviour. My overview of this whole thing is her past. You cant turn a ho into a house wife. Im not sure if she can not have the excitement she gets from her past experiences and boozy nights out and think she may get bored and **** up. I am not entirely convinced she fancies me 'enough' either. But I am a nice guy and I 'seem' to accept her kid but I do not want to be the nice guy who acts the boyfriend but she ****s around on the side.

 

The thing is she HAS convinced me she is ready for a relationship and is doing all the right things but I dont seem to be able to deal with her past and dont think I ever will. I am jealous about these things. Im not ashamed to say it and I feel I will always have a problem with her reputation despite how good we are together.

 

What are your thoughts guys and gals?

[Mr. Lucky]

Im not ashamed to say it and I feel I will always have a problem with her reputation despite how good we are together.

 

Very efficient post, you've asked and correctly answered your own question .

 

She sounds like a good candidate for fun. And a very poor choice for anything else. Read the saying about "those that fail to learn from history..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

Completely agree with Mr. Lucky. Many statements in your post say that you are bothered by her past and will never trust her. If you can't just boff her as a FWB then you need to split. Things with you and the child are not going to get less complicated - do it before you damage him.

[Quiet Storm]

Do you know if she ever cheated on her boyfriends/ son's father?

[xUnknown]

I say keep dating her and see if these feelings ware off. Keep alert for the red flags.

 

One night, let her go out with her girlfriends to a bar. Text her and let her know that you are going to swing by for a drink with a buddy on your way home. See how she reacts to that or acts while you're there.

 

Stay on edge. I would definitely ponder this for a while longer before getting into a relationship with her.

[kalim2014]

Thanks guys,

 

Its just tricky because I actually really like her. I get the feeling that when she asks me I will tell her why exactly I want a break and that i feel is wrong because I am angry and effectivley punishing her for her sexual history :S I just wish I could undo it.

 

She is convincing me that we can work and be together and that she doesnt want anyone else (said through genuine tears).

 

I want to confront her about this and explain exactly why but i just feel that to much damage will be done if it hasnt already. I think I need to break it because I am only going to hurt her with my opinions.

 

How should I do this? She wants me to stay over for 5 days between now and christmas....

[kalim2014]

hm. Not sure. Never asked.. She said she used to go out and come back at 4-5 in the morning and it was cool because they knew there was trust. She also said he was emotionally dead and gave her little. I struggle to beleive that being in a 4 year relationship like this would not lead for her to look else where for certain needs.

[Realist3]

I was in a bar one night and a female (the subject) approached me and with little effort after 3 minutes of MINIMAL conversation said lets go back to hers.

 

That should tell you all you need to know.

[SoThatHappened]

Just me? I'd get checked for STD's immediately.

 

I know it's a cultural/social thing that women aren't supposed to give it up so easily, and I know most guys would bang a different girl every night if they could, but she just screams unstable to me.

 

My last ex was very promiscuous before having her daughter. Huge red flag I overlooked. And she was very "fun" in many ways. Also bubbly like you mentioned this girl being.

 

After being put through the wringer myself with a girl who sounds a LOT like this girl, my best advice is to run as fast as possible in the opposite direction.

 

She will hurt you if you stay, I'd bet my paycheck on it.

[Striver]

Thanks guys,

 

Its just tricky because I actually really like her. I get the feeling that when she asks me I will tell her why exactly I want a break and that i feel is wrong because I am angry and effectivley punishing her for her sexual history :S I just wish I could undo it.

 

She is convincing me that we can work and be together and that she doesnt want anyone else (said through genuine tears).

 

I want to confront her about this and explain exactly why but i just feel that to much damage will be done if it hasnt already. I think I need to break it because I am only going to hurt her with my opinions.

 

How should I do this? She wants me to stay over for 5 days between now and christmas....

 

I'm sure she's likable. No hangups, nothing to lose attitude. The chances of anything lasting with her are a billion to one.

[orangetree]

That should tell you all you need to know.

 

I don't agree. Why do all men seem to think a woman will cheat on them only because she was an easy lay? This woman was SINGLE, so she could do whatever she wanted. I don't know that woman, but it's very judgemental to say that she would cheat only because she's into one night stands.

 

My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I hooked up the first night we met each other. I have never cheated on him and i don't have the desire to do it. When we met I was single and I found him attractive; I never would have thought it would turn into something serious. But then I got to know im better, one thing came to another and we became a couple. So I guess we had a bit a similar story and it turned out well.

 

My advice- If you like her, keep dating her. BUT keep an eye open on her behaviour, see if you can trust her before getting seriously involved.

[kalim2014]

Orangetree. Based on the information I have given. What are your thoughts on the person even though you have not met them? She does seem like she really likes me and she has said she has no desire for anyone else but can you really change just like that?

 

Orangetree. Having to retype this.

 

You have not met her no, but based on the information above what are your thoughts of woman. Dont forget that there are some women who actually are unfaithful.

 

She tells me she has no desire and she says she only wants me. I believe her. Its just me wanting to punish her as I feel hurt by finding out all of this information. Its selfish. I know. But if i tell her how I feel then she may convince me. But even then her argument will be hypothetical. I would have to watch her like a hawk. but what is the point if thats the case?

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[todreaminblue]

I fi were you i would give her a chance.....tell her honestly how you feel with the drinking and going out.....listen to your heart and your instincts with her...if you know she si being genuine...take that ....not what others say who dont know her at all......good luck....even wild childs settle you know..even ex hookers or women who contemplated hooking.....can settle....i did so for fifteen years never cheated.....he had not had any serious relationships he cheated on me...i stayed faithful i am an ex hooker.....see the irony.....

 

 

 

 

how much sex you have before doesnt tell if you will be faithful or not...faithfulness is in the heart not the body..alcohol though and going out alot....theres risks with that........seems like she is totally honest with you ...in telling you what she contemplated...thats a start...what isnt a start is when a woman doesnt tell you crap..best wishes...deb

[oldshirt]

Even the world's sluttiest whore is a perfect angel and a perfect GF when everything is going perfectly in the honeymoon phase of a brand new relationship.

 

She'll be fine as long as everything goes perfect and you never lose your hair or grow a pot belly. She'll be fun and loving to you as long as you never make her mad or disappointed or bored.

 

She'll be great as long as she never feels neglected or lonely or that you are not giving her the attention that she thinks you should.

 

Even actual hookers aren't out hooking all the time in their minds. They only do it when they want money.

 

Same with sluts. They aren't picking dudes in bars or at work every day, only when they are feeling bored or lonely or sad or frustrated or neglected or horny.

 

Can you guarentee she'll never feel any of those things 24/7 for the next 40 years????

[todreaminblue]

Even the world's sluttiest whore is a perfect angel and a perfect GF when everything is going perfectly in the honeymoon phase of a brand new relationship.

 

She'll be fine as long as everything goes perfect and you never lose your hair or grow a pot belly. She'll be fun and loving to you as long as you never make her mad or disappointed or bored.

 

She'll be great as long as she never feels neglected or lonely or that you are not giving her the attention that she thinks you should.

 

Even actual hookers aren't out hooking all the time in their minds. They only do it when they want money.

 

Same with sluts. They aren't picking dudes in bars or at work every day, only when they are feeling bored or lonely or sad or frustrated or neglected or horny.

 

Can you guarentee she'll never feel any of those things 24/7 for the next 40 years????

 

seeing as everyone who has ever lived has probably felt one or all of those things in their lifetime.......not all of them turn to a guy to release those things......even the sluttiest whore as you put it.....even the most faithful woman will have times she has doubts......and cheating happens to both sets..... sluts and angels..when it is an angel who messes around she becomes a slut...doesnt matter if she was faithful for years..chances are she does it once she will do it again.....she only has to cheat once.....in my mind you give everyone a chance till they prove that you shouldnt..........deb

[Realist3]

I don't agree. Why do all men seem to think a woman will cheat on them only because she was an easy lay? This woman was SINGLE, so she could do whatever she wanted. I don't know that woman, but it's very judgemental to say that she would cheat only because she's into one night stands.

 

My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I hooked up the first night we met each other. I have never cheated on him and i don't have the desire to do it. When we met I was single and I found him attractive; I never would have thought it would turn into something serious. But then I got to know im better, one thing came to another and we became a couple. So I guess we had a bit a similar story and it turned out well.

 

My advice- If you like her, keep dating her. BUT keep an eye open on her behaviour, see if you can trust her before getting seriously involved.

 

I'm not arguing whether she can do what she wants. She sure can. Is that the kind of woman that within 3 minutes wants to sleep with you, that you want to be with? Her time frame in making decisions seems to be very short, to put it mildly.

 

For me personally, I would care to be with someone that takes a bit more thought than three minutes.

[Realist3]

I have been to Russia, I have been to China, all across this globe. These actions are not unusual. They is what they have grown up with. They understand themselves to be pieces of meat.

[orangetree]

Orangetree. Based on the information I have given. What are your thoughts on the person even though you have not met them? She does seem like she really likes me and she has said she has no desire for anyone else but can you really change just like that?

 

Orangetree. Having to retype this.

 

You have not met her no, but based on the information above what are your thoughts of woman. Dont forget that there are some women who actually are unfaithful.

 

She tells me she has no desire and she says she only wants me. I believe her. Its just me wanting to punish her as I feel hurt by finding out all of this information. Its selfish. I know. But if i tell her how I feel then she may convince me. But even then her argument will be hypothetical. I would have to watch her like a hawk. but what is the point if thats the case?

 

 

It's difficult to say because there are so many types of people. I know women who never had a one night stand or an affair in their entire life, they were always relationship types BUT they have cheated on their SO.

 

There are also women who hook up on the first date (or first see) who are actually faithful in a relationship (like me).

It's difficult because everyone acts differently.

 

Do you think you can ever trust her? Let's say you keep dating her and in the next twelve months she won't ever give you a reason to doubt her. Will you really trust her then or still have doubts? She could be the sweetest, most faithful woman, but if you don't trust her all that doesn't mean anything.

Without knowing her, she could be like me- Looking for fun when single (although I'm not as direct as her), but being faithful in a relationship. Has she actually told you why her last relationship ended?

 

Watch her behaviour a bit, look if she goes out alone, gets drunk and doesn't answers texts, calls or whatever. If she says she doesn't need that kind of lifestyle anymore it should be obvious to you. Like she wouldn't drink a lot all the time, wouldn't go out alone a lot etc.

 

 

By the way, I'm not from Russia, but my father is from Czech Republic, so I know a bit about the women there (who are pretty different). Many women are actually looking for a nice man who treats them well, but many think they can only get that man if they show him what he gets in a very obvious manner (there are even women taking striptease courses to get the man of their dreams), aka Russian women seem very slutty sometimes.

[Realist3]

They do not understand how to have real relationships.

[Minnie09]

They do not understand how to have real relationships.

 

It's a real bad stereotype, but based on what I've seen and been told, Eastern European women are quite materialistic, and tend to put out quickly if they sense a financial gain. It's a cultural thing. That's how they were raised as women.

[Perrier]

Why are some people name calling this woman? Did she hold a gun to the OP's head? Isn't he just as culpable?

 

OP I'm not sure what is causing your distress - her past promiscuity, her lax attitude about wanting to be an escort, or her reputation at work. Or all three.

 

Considering you've had a promiscuous past yourself I don't think you're in a position to judge her.

 

Personally if a man came onto me like this I am running the other way. I don't understand the hookup culture at all.

[Perrier]

I have been to Russia, I have been to China, all across this globe. These actions are not unusual. They is what they have grown up with. They understand themselves to be pieces of meat.

 

Astonishing that people see themselves like this

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure there is a direct correlation between casual hook ups while completely single and cheating while in a relationship. I'm not sure it's fair to convict her of being a cheater if he has a relationship with her before she's even.

 

 

What I think is more of a concern with people who have a very lax and casual attitude towards hook ups and pick up complete strangers in bars and at work etc within minutes of seeing them, isn't so much about cheating per se but rather how they are going to function within the relationship it'self and how they will face not only the rocky times of the R but also just some of the day to day grind. Much a the day to day business of a relationship is not exciting or dramatic. People who are used to hooking up with strangers on a regular basis are used to high levels of stimulation and are used to walking away well before any of the routine and day to day grind of a R sets in.

 

 

She may be no more likely to cheat than a regular women while the R is going great and it's still in it's fun and exciting honeymoon phase. What is the real question is how she is going to react once the relationship becomes comfortable and routine? What is she going to do when she feels bored or lonely or neglected at some point? What is she going to do once he makes her mad or he disappointed her in some manner?

 

 

She may never cheat on him but she may very well break up with him at 5 oclock in the evening because she doesn't feel she has gotten the attention she needs over the last week or so and by 5:30 PM she is riding some other dude she picked up in a bar.

 

 

.....that's technically not cheating but is there any real difference from the OP's point of view.

 

 

This situation is fairly analogous to a gal that has fallen for a playa' thinking he is going to be good relationship material because he says such nice things to her and makes her feel good. The playa' may make a wonderful BF and be all full of compliments and flowers and candlelight dinners for a few weeks or a months but what separates the playa' from an actual BF is how he behaves after the initial excitement and romance has worn off.

 

 

He may not 'cheat' on her per se in the technical sense, but if he just fails to show up one day and she doesn't hear from him for weeks and then sees him back in the bar hustling chicks just like the night she met him, does it really make any difference??

[BeholdtheMan]

Please double-wrap your salami when you climb on top of this woman

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

 

I was in a bar one night and a female (the subject) approached me and with little effort after 3 minutes of MINIMAL conversation said lets go back to hers.

 

What are your thoughts guys and gals?

 

 

Brah

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