katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Does anyone else feel this way? I know time, acceptance and working on the self must happen. Things are good but not great. I wish things in the present were different, very different from wanting a different past. I can change my life, but it would mean moving on without him. Or i can accept the way my life is - but it feels like a self betrayal. Some days that mountain is too big to climb. Too much to accept. but then the next day is better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Does anyone else feel this way? I know time, acceptance and working on the self must happen. Things are good but not great. I wish things in the present were different, very different from wanting a different past. I can change my life, but it would mean moving on without him. Or i can accept the way my life is - but it feels like a self betrayal. Some days that mountain is too big to climb. Too much to accept. but then the next day is better. Then leave. The secret to happiness is freedom. The secret to freedom is courage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 It's hard to comment without knowing what it is that's making you unhappy in the relationship, but we have to listen to ourselves, and pay attention to what we are feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 You can put those phrases on a cute image of a mountain plain somewhere and viral it through facebook and you'll probably get lotsa likes. But if you REALLY asked yourself if that were in fact possible and true, you would know from experience that it is nothing more than an empty slogan. Sometimes cliches are nothing more than that, cliches. Then leave. The secret to happiness is freedom. The secret to freedom is courage. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Yes. i know this feeling. I read and posted about an article which really spelled out for me that what I was feeling was in fact human nature and had substance. This actually helped me to come to the realisation that I had to either live with the cost, or not. This takes the onus off the WS and onto me in terms of what I am willing to live with. An excerpt (google "The cost of forgiveness infidelity to see the entire article - its worth a read) from the blog: For the sake of our discussion let me point out that there are two elements to what we refer to as forgiveness. The first is an internal matter where we choose to forgive the wrong committed against us and no longer expect justice as a result of their offense. Even more, we wish them well. The second element of forgiveness is about reconciliation. It’s where we choose to continue in relationship with that person in spite of their offense. For the sake of this discussion I’m focused on the second element, reconciliation. Forgiving infidelity would mean sacrificing his dreams of the type of marriage he’d wanted. He’d never have the opportunity to brag to his children about the fidelity of their marriage. To stay meant sacrificing a marriage that was free from doubts. How could he ever again believe a word that she said if she’d been able to deceive him for 17 years? Staying meant the sacrificing of his dignity. He personally knew two of these men, and he now imagined how they’d seen him as the fool. To stay he’d have to sacrifice his rights. Didn’t he have the right to leave and find another who would be faithful to him? Staying and coping with infidelity meant sacrificing the ability to be honest with family. He couldn’t share his struggles, for fear of more complications. To stay would cost him pride. He’d always believed people who stayed were too weak to leave. To stay would cost his self-respect. He couldn’t believe things he’d said and done in his fits of rage. It would be so much easier to be away from her and not be triggered by her presence. To forgive seemed to make a mockery of all he’d sacrificed for the sake of their marriage. Instead of being proud of what he and Sandra had built, he now felt he’d been played the fool and taken advantage of. Does anyone else feel this way? I know time, acceptance and working on the self must happen. Things are good but not great. I wish things in the present were different, very different from wanting a different past. I can change my life, but it would mean moving on without him. Or i can accept the way my life is - but it feels like a self betrayal. Some days that mountain is too big to climb. Too much to accept. but then the next day is better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 The secret to happiness is freedom. A lot of truth to that. In this case, katie, you are free to stay or leave. The only prison is in your mind. What is keeping your mind in that prison? Would leaving free your mind? Or can you free your mind while staying? In either case, yes, courage is necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 There's a word that has been coming to the forefront of my mind these days. In many ways, I feel just as you. I won't go into detail, bc it truly doesn't matter. I think we all know our paths if we listen to the inside of ourselves, but we convince ourselves we don't because of fear. The word is: impermanence. It's been helping me stay grounded and in the present moment. Trust thyself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Or can you free your mind while staying? I can't seem to. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I can't seem to. Is there a trustworthy person with whom you could about this to find some clarity? Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 If you live in the US the court makes it hard to just pack up and leave. They leave you in a financial nightmare. Instead the betrayed can stick around, skim monies and avoid a financial calamity while enjoying their kids and preparing for a different kind of dday. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I can't seem to. Have you told him that? What does he say? Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Does anyone else feel this way? I know time, acceptance and working on the self must happen. Things are good but not great. I wish things in the present were different, very different from wanting a different past. I can change my life, but it would mean moving on without him. Or i can accept the way my life is - but it feels like a self betrayal. Some days that mountain is too big to climb. Too much to accept. but then the next day is better. Katielee I can tell you that the feeling of betraying yourself is probably the worse part about trying to stay with someone that cheated on you. I know this from trying to stay with a couple of women that cheated on me in the past. The thing is that all of us make mistakes, even mistakes in judging people. We want to see all the good in that person and we tend to ignore the bad. Now when the bad side of that person hurts us the normal reaction is to put space between you and that person. Bottom line is that you do not want to give that person a chance to hurt you again. When this is done we can at least look back and say to ourselves "Hey I may have been hurt once but I took steps to prevent that from happening again". We may not be proud having been made a fool. However we can take pride in knowing that we took steps to not allow this person to continue to make us a fool. When you stay with someone that cheated on you, then your leaving yourself open to be hurt more. In a way you feel that your letting yourself down for not protecting yourself. If someone punches you then you may react many different ways. You may block the punch, you may misdirect or step out of the way of the punch, if hit you may hit back. Given the chance you will run away from this person that is trying to punch you. However a normal healthy mind will not allow a person to take that punch and give the person another chance to punch you again. This usually is even more true if the person punching you got some sort of pleasure out of it. Staying with a husband or a wife that has cheated on you is very similar to allowing that person to punch you again. You feel like you have let yourself down because you have not done everything you can to protect yourself. Your self-esteem has already suffered a major blow by being cheated on. I have no real magic bullet to help you with this problem since your self-esteem is probably even suffering more by staying. However if you are really wanting to stay in the marriage and try to recover then I would suggest to adopt a new perspective. Don't look at it like your giving him another chance to cheat on you or that your not protecting yourself. Just look at it as your giving him the chance to make amends for the wrongs he has done to you. Understand that any day you wake up you can choose to walk away from him without guilt. Change your prospective to reflect that YOU are the one choosing to remain with him. Know that because YOU are choosing to remain with him right now does not mean that you will choose the same way tomorrow. By adopting this kind of perspective you are still doing everything you can to protect yourself. You are just protecting yourself under different guidelines. Your guidelines are your free to leave if he cheats again, however your also free to leave if you decide that you were hurt too much or any other reason. Myself I am incapable of doing this, only because I do not give back trust after such a betrayal. I do not feel comfortable playing guard and checking emails, phone and all that other crap. I cannot sleep next to someone that I cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouth. I cannot enjoy a dinner fixed by them if I feel I have to have feed it to a dog in order to make sure it is safe to eat. My point is that I don't just loose trust in what they say. When a woman I am with is willing to hurt me so badly for her own gain this makes me fear for my own safety. I know it may seem a bit extreme but it is the way I feel. However this is how I have been conditioned since I was 3 years old. I do know that for most people in most cases the change of perspective does work. Navy seals use the expression of the 3 foot rule. Basically it means that you can change or have an effect on stuff that is 3 feet around you. So if your husband goes out and cheats again you cannot effect that or control it. However when you find out you can control what your reaction is or what you will do about it. Now it does not matter if it is to forgive or walk out, either way it is something you have control over, hence the 3 foot rule. I hope this helps you out in some way. I am just letting you know how I deal with things in my life. Like I said I don't stay with a cheater for a reason. However many other situations I have forgiven others that have done me wrong. The reason for that is because I was able to successfully change my perspective about the situation and my reaction to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Is there a trustworthy person with whom you could about this to find some clarity? well I'm in IC. she says when the moment arrives I'll know it. But I would really like some peace about staying, staying and accepting every part and parcel of it - seeing both OW from time to time, him working in the same business community. Because he pointed out that I have made a couple of PA comments to him over the last couples months about it, which means resentment. I said I''m trying as hard as I can to be comfortable here but its hard. Friends say "he loves you so much! you guys are great together. it'll get better in time." Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Have you told him that? What does he say? he says he knows its hard for me but he doesn't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 well I'm in IC. she says when the moment arrives I'll know it. But I would really like some peace about staying, staying and accepting every part and parcel of it - seeing both OW from time to time, him working in the same business community. Because he pointed out that I have made a couple of PA comments to him over the last couples months about it, which means resentment. I said I''m trying as hard as I can to be comfortable here but its hard. Friends say "he loves you so much! you guys are great together. it'll get better in time." I think your therapist is right. Eventually you will have to make a firm decision, but you've not reached that point yet. Carry on with therapy until you feel ready to make the decision. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) The reason for that is because I was able to successfully change my perspective about the situation and my reaction to it. revelations - the cheating isn't the issue I'm struggling with per se, it's the fact that I don't feel like I'm the priority in our present life. He shows me he loves me by being a provider. He's stayed with me (well he left metaphorically when he had his own two affairs) after I cheated. That's his sacrifice for the marriage. He's done sacrificing and that is how he's showing his commitment and love for me. But regarding me feeling unsafe and triggery here, that's my burden to bear. I have no idea how to change my perspective (and I truly believe that's what it's gonna take) to make this a livable situation for me. What do I say to myself- "hey he is making a huge sacrifice for you, suck it up and accept that this is what he's offering?" Would this be enough for other people? I don't know. Maybe I'm being a big baby? Maybe I'm settling for too less. It just feels WRONG! Edited December 18, 2014 by katielee added a sentence 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 revelations - the cheating isn't the issue I'm struggling with per se, it's the fact that I don't feel like I'm the priority in our present life. He shows me he loves me by being a provider. He's stayed with me (well he left metaphorically when he had his own two affairs) after I cheated. That's his sacrifice for the marriage. He's done sacrificing and that is how he's showing his commitment and love for me. But regarding me feeling unsafe and triggery here, that's my burden to bear. This might not fit your situation, but: If you are staying for him, and he's staying for you, who is getting what they want for themselves? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 The truth is we can only ignore our higher-self and knowing for so long b/c it's there inside of us and eventually sways us to move... You are either getting ready to trust yourself or you are on the cusp of your own knowing. Stuffing it only leads to more pain, I'm afraid. What scares you the most? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 This might not fit your situation, but: If you are staying for him, and he's staying for you, who is getting what they want for themselves? I think we are both staying in a relationship with hope that it becomes a very good relationship with time. Neither of us have what we want, but that would involve a lobotomy. So we piece together something new. But hopefully, that will include no more crap happening and apparently, an acceptance by me that I'll just have to live with these triggers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 What scares you the most? making a mistake and regretting it - staying OR leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 . I can change my life, but it would mean moving on without him. Why? What or how is remaining married to him is holding you back - from changing your life? alternatively - how would being divorced, shared custody issues, possible home loss, money loss and child issues - free you to pursue happiness or things you wish? Or are we talking seeking a deep and pure love with someone else better suited to you? I see you both cheated....this means perhaps both of you are dealing with what you describe maybe? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 making a mistake and regretting it - staying OR leaving. What bad could happen if you stay? What bad could happen if you leave? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 The thing is you don't have to decide to stay or go today do you? There is no clock ticking, no one fixed time limit. The fact you are still there means you aren't convinced that leaving is the right thing to do. Obviously by doing nothing you are choosing to stay. You are talking to a counsellor, you are trying to make it work and you are giving it time. You may find that after a while you decide you are okay with the situation. Alternately, in 6 months you may decide that you simply can't go on with it. Ultimately you and your spouse have to make it work, but if you can't get past the affair or your revised feelings towards the other half, then you'll know its time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 making a mistake and regretting it - staying OR leaving. You may end up feeling like this no matter what when times are tough. Sometimes things don't go your way. Don't let this mindset predispose you to thinking your whole life is bad or blaming 'the fork in the road' every time things aren't quite right. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 it feels like a self betrayal. Some days that mountain is too big to climb. Too much to accept. There is a lot you've said in these three sentences. Powerful words, in fact. I think many of us here are doing the same dance, teetering between here and there for the same reasons...fear, regret, fear, regret. Try not to force anything. Work on you. Work on what you need to work on to make you happy and peaceful. The rest will come in time. Your path clearer. Trust it. Work on self first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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