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BS is secretive


Mycatsnuggles

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Mycatsnuggles

I'm the ws he discovered the affair. He has asked very little about the details. I know he had a long talk with the om, on a secret phone that I did not know of. After I found it, and a bag of old phones I did ultimately ask him. The phones were password protected so I was unable to check the calls or message. I did find the phone bills and it appears he's has the secret phone for at least 9 months. Most months there is no activity.,one month 174 texts and 10 ish calls.

 

I asked. He said extra phone not hidden, but he never used in front of me. He admits to contacting om on that phone to keep his (h) privacy. And occasionally customers he doesn't want to call his private number. He showed me the phone for 5 minute - didn't reveal the passcode.

 

He's secretive. All his accounts a locked and generally close by him. I truly don't think he seeing someone else. Our relationship is good building sharing more but yes we have secrets. Ones I'm willing to but behind, I don't feel right sayin show me your everything. He never asks to see mine if he did I'd show him..

 

Am i right to give him his privacy as he has not done anything wrong to. My

knowledge. It could be talking to exmm. He seems secretive. I've found him sitting in his car where the store phone is, he goes in th basement a couple times a week, to fix the sprinklers ,seems odd to me, he watches like a hawk if I'm on iPad phone. I get me losing my privacy but what of his.

 

It's odd one moment he is in love with me wants to touch kiss plan specials events then the next he is distant suspicious and aloof.

 

Constantly wondering am I being watched, is there something he knows that I don't. He's been oddly forgiving and wants to move forward. Planning our life, with a random comment "don't give head to anyone. Is this normal adjusting to the am I naively believing my life will continue or is more going on. Thanks

 

I'll starts here there's more. I guess the secretive lover who wants to kiss cuddle likes suprising me with trips and gifts. But will shut down pull away why...

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Mycatsnuggles

That's more along what I'm wondering. But why plan expensive trips we've had 2 and 2 more planned. We plan to renew vows, is he waiting for that moment to try to hurt me the most? I don't belie he's like that

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MuddyFootprints

Mine is, too.

 

He has never been completely open or vulnerable with me. His first wife left him for another man.

 

I lived in her shadow for years, being wrongly accused...blamed, under false suspicion.

 

Then I drove it into him as hard as I could.

 

He claims to trust me 100%. Which makes my trust in him decline from a 70 to 60. I told him that.

 

He isn't completely truthful with me about a lot of stuff. I question why he sticks it out.

 

I'm the one who cheated and I don't trust him. WTF is that about?

 

the "Carry on my wayward son" comment the other day when I was looking for direction with some business decisions made me even more curious to his truth.

 

Maybe I just read too much here.

 

Or maybe... (oh, i can imagine a lot of maybes)

 

Especially when I haven't slept in days.

 

I hate December.

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I'll starts here there's more. I guess the secretive lover who wants to kiss cuddle likes suprising me with trips and gifts. But will shut down pull away why...

 

You don't say how long ago DDAY was but I'd guess that, like most BS, he's trying to figure sh*t out. His mood swings and changing courses of action are likely based on a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from love to rage. He probably doesn't even know why he does some of the the things he does. Such is the crazy-making madness of infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I have read some of your other posts. Do you now wish that maybe you did confess instead of your husband discovering your affair? You were very adamant of keeping this to yourself and he still found out anyway.

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gettingstronger

I feel like no matter what now that dday has happened and you are in reconciliation-there should be no secrets on either side- I would not expect to be able to lock my phone, etc. just because he cheated-we decided on 100% transparency for BOTH of us-the good, the bad, the ugly- we share it all-

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Mycatsnuggles

Honestly, no I do not wish I confessed. I wished I hadn't been so careless.

 

Perhaps I'm basing his reactions on what I see here from many BS. ANGER. EXTREME ANGER and he is not reacting that way at all. The counselor said he is trying to "win" me back. I do agree with her on that statement. The secretive behavior I'm attributing to him being in investigative mode. I could see him doing that trust but verify.

 

I hate when he gets that skeptical look on his face. I put it there so I don't feel I have the right to inquire about strange behavior. I have asked a few times he laughs it off or throws a comment at me.

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I feel like no matter what now that dday has happened and you are in reconciliation-there should be no secrets on either side- I would not expect to be able to lock my phone, etc. just because he cheated-we decided on 100% transparency for BOTH of us-the good, the bad, the ugly- we share it all-

 

 

As a BS I locked ALL of my stuff down when I found out about my wife's affair. For me, I did this to protect my conversations I was having about her affair and my investigations etc. I didn't want her snooping to see what I knew. Perhaps the OP's husband is doing the same.

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Ok. If he is in investigation mode make sure he doesn't find out something new by telling him everything. Not to put you down, but I get the sense that you are the type of person that will TT or minimize. Trust me when I saw that that's a road you do not want to go down.

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Perhaps I'm basing his reactions on what I see here from many BS. ANGER. EXTREME ANGER and he is not reacting that way at all.

There may be a good reason for that...

 

I think you have to look into this "secrecy" in the same way as if you were not a WS.

You have to consider this may be a revenge affair, or possibly he only found out you were cheating because he was having an affair himself, all along.

 

Just because he is a BS, doesn't guarantee his innocence.

In fact what a wonderful smokescreen, everyone is blaming you, whilst he carries on as per usual undetected.

 

If he is acting strangely and you are worried he may be seeing someone else, then you need to follow it up properly and not assume all the blame is on you.

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There may be a good reason for that...

 

I think you have to look into this "secrecy" in the same way as if you were not a WS.

You have to consider this may be a revenge affair, or possibly he only found out you were cheating because he was having an affair himself, all along.

 

Just because he is a BS, doesn't guarantee his innocence.

In fact what a wonderful smokescreen, everyone is blaming you, whilst he carries on as per usual undetected.

 

If he is acting strangely and you are worried he may be seeing someone else, then you need to follow it up properly and not assume all the blame is on you.

 

 

I agree with this. Not saying it is definitely the case, but it sure would explain his reactions, or lack thereof.

 

 

Do your own investigation. You should know what to look for.

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gettingstronger

As a BS I locked ALL of my stuff down when I found out about my wife's affair. For me, I did this to protect my conversations I was having about her affair and my investigations etc. I didn't want her snooping to see what I knew. Perhaps the OP's husband is doing the same.

 

 

 

Were you in reconciliation at this time? I flat out told my husband- I am going through all of our records with a fine tooth comb to see what's what-I sat on the couch in front of him and went through his email, phone, etc.. all of which I had in my hands when I confronted him-I do not think I needed to hide it, but I can not judge what anyone else does after dday as we all are sucker punched and all handle it the best way we can!

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Hey, snuggles. I looked through a few of your other threads, but I couldn't find one that describes how your hubby discovered what you were doing. Did you ever post that information? I know that in at least one of those threads you said that sex with him (your husband) was very unfulfilling, not like the thunderous "O's" you got from your om. I guess my question is, if this is true, why have you decided to stay with him? Does he really want to reconcile with you, or is he planning something else? I realize you don't know this yet, but it is something to think about. On another site, a poster named Sofia told about her husband finding out about her affair (She was on a business trip and in bed with the om in a hotel when her hubby called about her sister being in an accident. The om answered the phone!) He (the husband) wasn't acting upset or making demands about what she had to do to try and heal from the affair. She didn't know what was going on with him until he served he with divorce papers. Yikes!!! I do hope that you can find happiness in your life no matter how things work out with your husband.

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As a BS I locked ALL of my stuff down when I found out about my wife's affair. For me, I did this to protect my conversations I was having about her affair and my investigations etc. I didn't want her snooping to see what I knew. Perhaps the OP's husband is doing the same.

 

 

 

Were you in reconciliation at this time? I flat out told my husband- I am going through all of our records with a fine tooth comb to see what's what-I sat on the couch in front of him and went through his email, phone, etc.. all of which I had in my hands when I confronted him-I do not think I needed to hide it, but I can not judge what anyone else does after dday as we all are sucker punched and all handle it the best way we can!

 

No, I wasn't. When I initially found out about my wife's affair I don't know if I really cared at that point and time about how much I had. I knew she had sex with another man. That's why I left. I locked my stuff down because if she knew how much I really did know it would have helped her lie that much more. I wanted to keep her at an arms length so she was always guessing what I knew so I could catch her in lie after lie.

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Man Mountain Makino
I'll starts here there's more. I guess the secretive lover who wants to kiss cuddle likes suprising me with trips and gifts. But will shut down pull away why...

I can't say what he is up to, sorry. But if it was me in that position, behaving the same way, I'd be planning my escape from the marriage.

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OP. I'd watch out for a melt down. If we was betrayed once already with his first wife he's probably going to lose it. I'd just watch out. He's probably pretty unstable.

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Mycatsnuggles

JM not asking investigation tactics but who were you talking to? I can't see h EVER sharing w someone else.

 

No ones cheated on him before. If he were cheating on me, honestly as long as he treats me as well as he does now I wouldn't want to know. You cannot unlearn information. Maybe if he was ignoring me or not spending time with me I might investigate More, I have looked. Even on his locked down accts I have my ways. Found nothing and really suspect nothing there. I wonder more if he's contacting the om or oms wife; or spying on me. These are the areas I'm leaning towards.

 

I've always tried to please him sexually, he seems very satisfied in that area and we are working towards making it better for me.

 

I harbor this little corner of fear of being rejected. My punishment for hurting him.

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I'm going to mirror other people and say that it's hard to give advice when we don't know details. When was d day and how did your husband discover your affair? I also read in another thread that your husband has been wanting more sex. That could just be hysterical bonding and will probably die down considerably very soon. It was mentioned that his first wife cheated. I agree that there might be a huge melt down pretty soon. He is doing his best to hold it together, but I think he is a time bomb waiting to go off. You need to prepare yourself for this. In terms of his secrecy, he could be gathering information for an impending divorce or his having a RA. Both are very real possibilities. To live through two wives cheating on you is something I could not imagine going throguh.

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JM not asking investigation tactics but who were you talking to? I can't see h EVER sharing w someone else.

 

No ones cheated on him before. If he were cheating on me, honestly as long as he treats me as well as he does now I wouldn't want to know. You cannot unlearn information. Maybe if he was ignoring me or not spending time with me I might investigate More, I have looked. Even on his locked down accts I have my ways. Found nothing and really suspect nothing there. I wonder more if he's contacting the om or oms wife; or spying on me. These are the areas I'm leaning towards.

 

I've always tried to please him sexually, he seems very satisfied in that area and we are working towards making it better for me.

 

I harbor this little corner of fear of being rejected. My punishment for hurting him.

 

Sorry, I'm out of it today. I don't know if I got another thread mixed up about a previous marriage. You can't unlearn information and you also can't undo a permanent STD. Those are risks you take and bring back to an oblivious spouse. I feel sorry for any betrayed spouse who one day wakes up with a bunch of weird blisters plastered all over their genitals or due to the selfishness and stupidity of their spouse. I was talking to my lawyer, brother and a good friend for the most part. I'm sure he wants to tell your OM's wife as well. That was on my agenda as well.

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f he were cheating on me, honestly as long as he treats me as well as he does now I wouldn't want to know. You cannot unlearn information.

 

Which is great, if you want to stick your head in the sand, and if you were not having sex with him.

But if you are having sex, which you say you are, then you are putting yourself at risk of STDs.

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TrustedthenBusted

After D-Day, I became a digital ninja. I had a headstart because I also work for a high Tech Digital security company. Seriously, I could probably tell you your social security number and where you bought lunch yesterday if you give me a half hour.

 

I went from having zero suspicion, to making damn sure I know every keystroke, location, or word spoken into a cell phone ( or in the car, or at the house when I wasn't there etc.. ) I could turn on the camera of her phone at any time and have it show me what was in the room she was in.

 

Basically I went f'ing crazy. This didn't last long, but it did prove to me there were either no shenanigans, or that she went to such incredible lengths to not get caught, that hell...she actually deserved it. lol. Kidding.

 

These days, the only thing I hide is when I access this forum. I do it from a private window, and I feel no guilt about hiding it. I even keep a "Daily Rants" folder in my perosnal email that she can acess whenever she wants. I have told her to enter at her own peril, because I'm brutally honest with myself in there.

 

If you are still close to DDay, your H is probably just still going crazy. Give it some time. Expect an RA, and if it happens... suck it up.

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I am confused. From what you have written then what was the point of you having a sexual affair in the first place? You seem relatively happy with your husband? Why were you willing to throw away your marriage for this? I suggest that you write a timeline of your affair for your husband. He may be waiting for you to bring up the subject and he just may be embarrassed also. You truly have no idea the pain that he is in feeling that he failed as a husband and as a man. From what you have written I do not think that you have a clue of the damage that you have done to him. I am sure that your husband is thinking if you had not been caught then you would still be screwing the OM. Seriously what did you think would happen?

 

It also may be that your husband is in shock since you said that this was the first time he was ever cheated on. I do hope that you both have been tested for STD's.

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If you are still close to DDay, your H is probably just still going crazy. Give it some time. Expect an RA, and if it happens... suck it up.

 

 

 

Two wrongs never make a right.

 

 

However three left turns will make the same as one right.

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TrustedthenBusted
Two wrongs never make a right.

 

Agreed.

 

But I do admit that it would sound hilarious coming out of a WS's mouth. :laugh:

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