cheating while pregnant

[Lilac33]

Before everyone tells me I am stupid (which I agree I am suffering from extreme stupidity) but bear with me and try to give me a honest reply. I don't know if I'll ever trust again but can I expect this man/husband to change?

We have been married 12 years, and I have two small children. Indiscretion one happened many years ago. He denied that it was a PA. I forgave really did put it behind me. Affair number two happened this last year while I was pregnant. A few months after giving birth and suffering from postpartum I find him coming home with marks on his neck and I found some texts on his phone. Despite this he denied denied denied. I'm too tired or maybe in denial to look further for answers. From what I can gather this affair has been going on 6 months and I do not know how physical it got. He is begging and pleading me not to break up the family. That he will do anything to fix himself. I do not know if I can raise two kids without him. He is a horrible partner, decent father, and a great provider. Any insights...am I going to regret wasting my life or will it be a worthy sacrifice for my children.

[whichwayisup]

Get tested for STD's.

 

Talk to your good friends that you trust and your family (parents, siblings) for support.

 

Your husband so it seems isn't 'husband' material and has no clue about what it is to be faithful and committed. A real family unit putting others first instead of his own selfish needs.

 

Do you love him? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone you can't fully trust? Is your marriage repairable? Is he worth fighting for? All this is stuff you need to figure out. Seek counseling to help you decide, and then go from there.

[CarrieT]

I do not know if I can raise two kids without him. He is a horrible partner, decent father, and a great provider. Any insights...am I going to regret wasting my life or will it be a worthy sacrifice for my children.

 

Why sacrifice for your children? Why teach them to suffer in a relationship with a "horrible partner?" How is that beneficial to them for the sake of an "unbroken home" when they find out their father is a philanderer (because they WILL).

 

Read this heartbreaking thread of a child who learned about his father's infidelities and lies. Why would you subject your children to such a possibility?

 

And how about you? Can you live a life without the possibility of finding someone who truly honors and respects you?

[HereNorThere]

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. If you've already caught him twice, chances are that it's been going on as long as your relationship. He's a serial cheater and the chances of him changing are slim. Obviously cheating isn't a deal breaker for you and he knows it.

 

If you're serious about trying to keep your family together, you can't start reconciling until he's come completely clean. The more you allow him to lie and minimize, the greater the risks he'll do it again.

 

For now, you need to expose the truth. Gather evidence or make him give it to you. Once you have the evidence, expose it to friends, family, his cheating partners friends and family, etc. At least then you'll have support when he tells everyone you're lying and crazy.

 

You probably won't ever be able to stop him from cheating, but you will need support to deal with the fall out from it.

 

Also, buy and make him use condoms. It sends a strong psychological message to a cheater.

[Lilac33]

Get tested for STD's.

 

Talk to your good friends that you trust and your family (parents, siblings) for support.

 

Your husband so it seems isn't 'husband' material and has no clue about what it is to be faithful and committed. A real family unit putting others first instead of his own selfish needs.

 

Do you love him? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone you can't fully trust? Is your marriage repairable? Is he worth fighting for? All this is stuff you need to figure out. Seek counseling to help you decide, and then go from there.

 

I did/do love him very much. I got married very young and the truth is i dont know any other love or guy other than being with him. He was my college sweetheart. I dont know sometimes if this is a result of us getting married too young and he just doesnt like us as a couple 12 years down the road...something fixable. Or a serial cheat who will always look outside.

[Lilac33]

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. If you've already caught him twice, chances are that it's been going on as long as your relationship. He's a serial cheater and the chances of him changing are slim. Obviously cheating isn't a deal breaker for you and he knows it.

 

If you're serious about trying to keep your family together, you can't start reconciling until he's come completely clean. The more you allow him to lie and minimize, the greater the risks he'll do it again.

 

For now, you need to expose the truth. Gather evidence or make him give it to you. Once you have the evidence, expose it to friends, family, his cheating partners friends and family, etc. At least then you'll have support when he tells everyone you're lying and crazy.

 

You probably won't ever be able to stop him from cheating, but you will need support to deal with the fall out from it.

 

Also, buy and make him use condoms. It sends a strong psychological message to a cheater.

 

Thank you. I went to our church and they advised me to work it out for the sake of the children thus all this guilt and questioning in the first place. Once i tell my family, i think they will tell me to leave this man unless he makes me look like the crazy one.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Unless you'd be willing to consider an open marriage so you can have your own fun I don't think staying married to this jerk is sustainable.

 

If he is a great provider then he will be a great source of alimony and child support. I'm sure he knows this too, which is why he's suddenly so eager to keep his family together.

 

I'd get some advice from a lawyer if I were you.

[MuddyFootprints]

He will be a serial cheater if he doesn't learn how to cope in a healthy, honest, mature way.

 

I know what your marriage will feel like if you are the only one who "works it out" and it's not going to be pretty. It'll be ugly and a brutal existence for your kids, too.

 

He has to step up to the plate, or he's out.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I did/do love him very much. I got married very young and the truth is i dont know any other love or guy other than being with him. He was my college sweetheart. I dont know sometimes if this is a result of us getting married too young and he just doesnt like us as a couple 12 years down the road...something fixable. Or a serial cheat who will always look outside.

 

 

In your words here is a strong hint that you are (appropriately) so honoring the amount of your own emotional investment IN him, and allowing that built-up investment to sway your ultimate decision/choice/summation about him as a partner to you.

 

Once (anybody) separates the very worthy substance which is your investment IN him from the complete louse of a partner that he actually IS... it makes sense for you to move on with your life, and leave him behind.

 

Of course you went to the church, where it was pre-ordained that they would tell you to keep (setting such a terrible example for your kids' formative years), because you don't want to zero-out what has surely been the biggest investment of your life.

 

Would you put money in the bank while getting zero interest IF you could indeed make better use of the money elsewhere??? Of course not!!

 

I know that the sum total of your 12 year marriage, begun so early in your adult life, seems like a huuuuuuuuuuuge amount... but it isn't growing at a rate that is fair to you, and it is reasonable that you could cease to give anymore to that investment and eventually find a better {bank} for your future investments, which will have every chance to keep growing by leaps and bounds during the rest of your time on earth.

 

The stuff that's gonna make you content in your old age is the personal value you place in the times spent/shared with family members and others who are close to you.

 

IF the value of your present investment had been growing anytime recently, then OK, it would make sense to stay.

 

But you're at a crossroads, and that crap about staying together for the sake of the kids is just poisoning the kids' futures with the seeds of your unhealthy relationship environment.

 

IF you want your kids to be able to love effectively then you've got to seek a relationship for yourself where you can both love effectively AND be loved effectively.

[Lilac33]

Thankyou for taking the time to write this onlineguy. I have tears in my eyes because This is EXACTLY how I feel. It's the investment that I have already made. It seems unfair and scary to have to start again in my mid thirtys. The thought of being alone also is unsettling at times. The shunning of my close minded religious social knit circle that discourages divorce no matter how miserable is icing on the cake.

I will be thinking about your words heavily tonight.

[CALOVELY]

Thankyou for taking the time to write this onlineguy. I have tears in my eyes because This is EXACTLY how I feel. It's the investment that I have already made. It seems unfair and scary to have to start again in my mid thirtys. The thought of being alone also is unsettling at times. The shunning of my close minded religious social knit circle that discourages divorce no matter how miserable is icing on the cake.

I will be thinking about your words heavily tonight.

 

In economics there is a term called "Sunk Cost Fallacy". It means that further investment is warranted on the fact that the resources already invested will be lost otherwise. Throwing good money after bad.

 

Apply that to your relationship: Staying in a bad marriage with a serial cheater because of 12 years of history is what the fallacy of sunk cost is.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, even the bible permits divorce when adultery has occured. Unless I'm mistaken, it's the only exception you'll find.

[No Limit]

Ask for an open marriage. If he wants to have fun, you should be able to do the same.

On the other hand, why bother asking him. Just inform him of your decision and that's that.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation. Have you considered finding a professional counselor/therapist? Would you be willing to go through some sort of marital counseling? Would your husband be open to the idea of counseling? Either way, having a professional to talk to will be helpful as you are trying to navigate how to handle this. I wish you the best, blessings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[harrybrown]

So sorry for your pain.

 

How do you know he has gone NC with the OW?

 

Is he going to counseling with you?

 

I know your kids are young. If he is trying with all he has maybe it will work.

 

But if he is not, time for you to find some peace.

 

See if you can find a good MC. look at several. maybe you could try affair recovery. (affairrecovery.com) I am not associated with them.

 

check around. I am just trying to help.

 

Too much pain and too little happiness and peace sometimes in this life.

 

I do wish you and your kids happiness and hope that your H wakes up because he will lose the best thing that ever happened to him.

[BeholdtheMan]

He is begging and pleading me not to break up the family

 

You didn't break it up, he did

[Trimmer]

The shunning of my close minded religious social knit circle that discourages divorce no matter how miserable is icing on the cake.

This isn't divorcing just "because you are miserable." This is an affront - by your husband - to the sacred bond of marriage. As Behold pointed out above, you did not break this marriage up - you did not insult the institution of marriage.

 

You deserve to set a boundary: I will not accept this any more.

[Friskyone4u]

Lilac

If you are unable to see yourself financially and emotionally away from this man you need to get some IC. You are still a young woman so stop convincing yourself you are over the hill.

He says he does not want to break up the family. What actions are you demanding he provide for you to help you heal. Is he transparent or still hiding things. ? He needs to do everything you need to allow you to feel safe.

The suggestion that NO LIMIT made is tricky. If you just go out and have a revenge affair and tell him you are now in an open marriage, make sure that is what you really want because he will then use your actions to continue his behaviors. Now, the threat of that may knock some sense into him but I would be real careful if you truly want to reconcile. Most revenge affairs do not make you feel better in the long run and most are not productive for people trying to save their marriage. So you really have to dig deep and decide what you want the outcome to be.

[insert_name]

All I can say is that if I was with a wife who rated my provider abilities above all else then I would be withdrawing my emotional investment in the relationship.

 

I'm not saying thats what has happened here, but I find the highlighting of the husband's provider abilities interesting and wonder if this has come across to him in the past?

[Radu]

Before everyone tells me I am stupid (which I agree I am suffering from extreme stupidity) but bear with me and try to give me a honest reply. I don't know if I'll ever trust again but can I expect this man/husband to change?

We have been married 12 years, and I have two small children. Indiscretion one happened many years ago. He denied that it was a PA. I forgave really did put it behind me. Affair number two happened this last year while I was pregnant. A few months after giving birth and suffering from postpartum I find him coming home with marks on his neck and I found some texts on his phone. Despite this he denied denied denied. I'm too tired or maybe in denial to look further for answers. From what I can gather this affair has been going on 6 months and I do not know how physical it got. He is begging and pleading me not to break up the family. That he will do anything to fix himself. I do not know if I can raise two kids without him. He is a horrible partner, decent father, and a great provider. Any insights...am I going to regret wasting my life or will it be a worthy sacrifice for my children.

 

He's a selfish bastard and you can see this in his request.

 

'breaking up the family' ... who is responsible for the situation in the family as it is, if not him ?

Yet, asserting yourself, value-ing yourself, putting a boundary is bound to something that gives guilt ...

He's guilty as hell.

 

Make a calculation, can you live with the kids without him ?

If not, live with him [but stop being intimate with him], and on the side setup your exit strategy.

 

Understand that if you value yourself even a little [as well as the future of your children and the examples they will have in life], this relationship is dead.

[Lilac33]

Yes he will agree to counseling but then probably make some excuse not to go. Right now he has been doing what I want but I'm sure it's false remorse of getting caught. I don't know if this is a short term act. Some days I fear I will have stood by him and when he's ready he will leave.

[No Limit]

Why aren't you divorcing? He'll be forced to pay child support and alimony and will still be a good provider this way. In the meantime you can find a real man - oh, and focus on your actual feelings, not the guy's purse.

 

Or, if you can't live with a divorce, why not ask for an open relationship? This way he has his cheater needs met and you can find love as well.

[harrybrown]

Marriage is hard work when both are working together.

 

See if he will go to counseling. If it is not important to him, then you will know that he is not doing what he can and should.

 

Then it would be time to see an attorney. Keep trying the 180 for yourself.

 

I would not go with the open marriage. Eventually someone will get the stds.

 

If he will not be open and honest, it will be time to move on. Find someone that will not cheat on you. Someone that wants an open marriage will not lead to peace and happiness. It will cause more problems than it will solve. Then you both will cause pain for your children.

[jellybean89]

I wouldn't ask for an 'open marriage' unless that is something YOU want.

 

What do YOU want --- you don't have to answer here; but you need to answer it in your head and heart.

 

Your children are looking to you as a role model; as a parent; as safety and security.

 

You say this guy is a good provider -- well, thanks to child support laws, your children will be provided for. But if he isn't a good role model, if he isn't someone your children can look to for guidance as a father and husband --- then you know what needs to be done. Right now, your children's well being comes first. Their needs top everything. They require you to live; they require safety and security. Decide first what you can do to ensure their needs are your top priority and that they can be met.

 

Their biological father is not a person they should look up to. He doesn't know how to be faithful, honest, trustworthy, loyal or respectful. Those are basic traits a parent should have. If you have daughters, would you want them to be with someone like their father? Would you want them to be treated like he has treated you? If you have son's - do you want them to treat their partners as you have been treated? Would you be okay with them cheating on their spouse?

 

Show your children strength and character. Teach them morals and respect. Do what needs to be done so you can hold your head high and know you were the best role model possible. Not to say we all don't mess up -- none of us are perfect or without sin. We all make mistakes; but being a cheater isn't a mistake. That is something that is intentional and planned. Forgiveness is also something kids need to be taught; but they also need to be taught to not be walked on, not to be made a fool of and to see what is going on around them. Teach them to trust their instincts and to follow there dreams. Parenting is not easy but it is one of the most gratifying jobs ever.

 

Best of luck.

[autumnnight]

All I can say is that if I was with a wife who rated my provider abilities above all else then I would be withdrawing my emotional investment in the relationship.

 

I'm not saying thats what has happened here, but I find the highlighting of the husband's provider abilities interesting and wonder if this has come across to him in the past?

 

Irrelevant and insensitive as there is ZERO justifiable excuse for cheating.

 

Period.