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BS's and the Moral High Horse. Or...Wayward Empahy?


TrustedthenBusted

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TrustedthenBusted

Speaking only for myself here, but for a good year....maybe two years after D-Day, I walked around my house feeling pretty self righteous. My spouse was a liar, and a cheater, and a deserter, and a morally bankrupt, backstabbing harpie who didn't deserve to set foot in the same lake as me. ( I'd be walking on the surface of it anyway. ;) )

 

My high horse attitude was justified by her continued trickle truth, outright lies and denials and consistent procrastination when it came to reading the materials our MC suggested. Her feckless and wanton disregard for my depression only moved us further apart in the Good:Evil scale, and we finally got to the point where I told her she needs to hit the bricks. Rock Bottom.

 

Then she began acting like a human being. She began telling the truth ( I could tell it was true, because I hated every word of it ) She began apologizing out of nowhere. She became less judgmental of her friends, and more of an active citizen in our household. Basically she turned a corner in such a way that I decided she was worth a 2nd chance, and it's been about 3 years since that day. So I'd say our R started after a 2 year false start.

 

 

So I asked myself... Am I really morally superior? Sure, I haven't cheated on her. But if I did, would I REALLY be as forthcoming with details as I would have liked her to be? Would I REALLY tell her that I had a great time with my OW, and the sex was amazing, knowing that by doing so I'd probably lose my home and my kids, get dumped and be labeled a whore in public? Could I REALLY put up with the Facebook shaming, and the humiliation at work? Could I look my kids in the eye and tell them I just devastated their mother, and will be in an apartment down the street if they need me?

 

Or would I minimize....just like everyone else.. Would I panic and say anything to make it all go away? Would I not want to admit to MYSELF that I had made such terrible, risky, stupid choices for even stupider reasons?

 

Basically... would I act like a typical wayward?

 

Even now, KNOWING what it's like to be a BS and KNOWING that the only real healing begins when you risk it all by telling the truth....would I? I wonder if the CYA instinct is so naturally ingrained in us that we can't help trying that tactic first.

 

I'm actually glad I haven't been put to that test. It sounds crappy.

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Speaking only for myself here, but for a good year....maybe two years after D-Day, I walked around my house feeling pretty self righteous. My spouse was a liar, and a cheater, and a deserter, and a morally bankrupt, backstabbing harpie who didn't deserve to set foot in the same lake as me. ( I'd be walking on the surface of it anyway. ;) )

 

My high horse attitude was justified by her continued trickle truth, outright lies and denials and consistent procrastination when it came to reading the materials our MC suggested. Her feckless and wanton disregard for my depression only moved us further apart in the Good:Evil scale, and we finally got to the point where I told her she needs to hit the bricks. Rock Bottom.

 

Then she began acting like a human being. She began telling the truth ( I could tell it was true, because I hated every word of it ) She began apologizing out of nowhere. She became less judgmental of her friends, and more of an active citizen in our household. Basically she turned a corner in such a way that I decided she was worth a 2nd chance, and it's been about 3 years since that day. So I'd say our R started after a 2 year false start.

 

 

So I asked myself... Am I really morally superior? Sure, I haven't cheated on her. But if I did, would I REALLY be as forthcoming with details as I would have liked her to be? Would I REALLY tell her that I had a great time with my OW, and the sex was amazing, knowing that by doing so I'd probably lose my home and my kids, get dumped and be labeled a whore in public? Could I REALLY put up with the Facebook shaming, and the humiliation at work? Could I look my kids in the eye and tell them I just devastated their mother, and will be in an apartment down the street if they need me?

 

Or would I minimize....just like everyone else.. Would I panic and say anything to make it all go away? Would I not want to admit to MYSELF that I had made such terrible, risky, stupid choices for even stupider reasons?

 

Basically... would I act like a typical wayward?

 

Even now, KNOWING what it's like to be a BS and KNOWING that the only real healing begins when you risk it all by telling the truth....would I? I wonder if the CYA instinct is so naturally ingrained in us that we can't help trying that tactic first.

 

I'm actually glad I haven't been put to that test. It sounds crappy.

 

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it will sh!!t in your pond. If you did allow yourself to cheat, why wouldn't you try to protect the image that people have of you? That you have of yourself? I think one of the first things one must lack to cheat is empathy.

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If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it will sh!!t in your pond. If you did allow yourself to cheat, why wouldn't you try to protect the image that people have of you? That you have of yourself? I think one of the first things one must lack to cheat is empathy.

 

You may be right.

 

I know a lot of people on here have sought out revenge affairs, and that this is a common coping tool. My guess is more people have had them than will ever admit to on here actually.

 

I came VERY close to having one when I was at my worst, and will admit that I let it go pretty far before pulling the plug. Even then, it wasn't any sense of morality that stopped me, or any lack of empathy.

 

Once this woman gave me the green light, instead of being excited, I actually got angry. I felt like " So THIS is what my whore wife was out doing..." and the whole thing just made me sick to my stomache.

 

but had it gone further... would I have fessed up? I dunno. Easy to say I would, which is what we all SAY on here. But reality has a way of being much more difficult than typing on interweb forums.

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Speaking only for myself here, but for a good year....maybe two years after D-Day, I walked around my house feeling pretty self righteous. My spouse was a liar, and a cheater, and a deserter, and a morally bankrupt, backstabbing harpie who didn't deserve to set foot in the same lake as me. ( I'd be walking on the surface of it anyway. ;) )

 

My high horse attitude was justified by her continued trickle truth, outright lies and denials and consistent procrastination when it came to reading the materials our MC suggested. Her feckless and wanton disregard for my depression only moved us further apart in the Good:Evil scale, and we finally got to the point where I told her she needs to hit the bricks. Rock Bottom.

 

Then she began acting like a human being. She began telling the truth ( I could tell it was true, because I hated every word of it ) She began apologizing out of nowhere. She became less judgmental of her friends, and more of an active citizen in our household. Basically she turned a corner in such a way that I decided she was worth a 2nd chance, and it's been about 3 years since that day. So I'd say our R started after a 2 year false start.

 

 

So I asked myself... Am I really morally superior? Sure, I haven't cheated on her. But if I did, would I REALLY be as forthcoming with details as I would have liked her to be? Would I REALLY tell her that I had a great time with my OW, and the sex was amazing, knowing that by doing so I'd probably lose my home and my kids, get dumped and be labeled a whore in public? Could I REALLY put up with the Facebook shaming, and the humiliation at work? Could I look my kids in the eye and tell them I just devastated their mother, and will be in an apartment down the street if they need me?

 

Or would I minimize....just like everyone else.. Would I panic and say anything to make it all go away? Would I not want to admit to MYSELF that I had made such terrible, risky, stupid choices for even stupider reasons?

 

Basically... would I act like a typical wayward?

 

Even now, KNOWING what it's like to be a BS and KNOWING that the only real healing begins when you risk it all by telling the truth....would I? I wonder if the CYA instinct is so naturally ingrained in us that we can't help trying that tactic first.

 

I'm actually glad I haven't been put to that test. It sounds crappy.

 

 

Do victims of robbery need to think twice about their moral high ground if perhaps one day in the future they may rob a bank?

 

Do you think that a burglar wouldn't be pissed off if his own house was broken into?

 

Hypocrisy is alive and well.

 

Is this an exercise in lowering the bar instead of raising it.

 

It's simple, do not do to others that you would not want to be done to you. Does being responsible for your own actions procure negative sign of moral superiority?

 

The only person we are responsible is ourselves, sure it'd be easier to go against our own moral code, sure it'd be easier to take what we want without a conscious and label it as flaunting their moral high ground.

 

I don't believe it's healthy to stay in a relationship and beat someone down for their mistakes, it's far more healthier to move on and let go of someone whom you no longer trust or respect. I think this is really what you're struggling with.

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I just had this conversation with my WW this past weekend, in regards to a friend of ours who's going through a D with his WW, pretty much because she didn't come clean when he begged her to.

Her perspective: if you know you're going to lose EVERYTHING by owning up to it and disclosing it all, why wouldn't you minimize it? You think it's your only shot.

My answer: There's less a chance of losing everything if you come clean from the get, than if you're found out to be lying on top of your lies down the line.

Her reply: It's a risk most aren't willing to take. She'd rather play the odds of it never being found out.

My reply: How'd that work out?

 

In effect, it's hard to answer whether or not I (as a BS) would minimize and try to save everything by not disclosing or trickle-truthing. I can't erase the perspective I have. I can see the rationale of the WW in that moment - they're just trying to survive, keep what they have and not face the consequences. I get it. But I always go back to the odds.

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You may be right.

 

I know a lot of people on here have sought out revenge affairs, and that this is a common coping tool. My guess is more people have had them than will ever admit to on here actually.

 

I came VERY close to having one when I was at my worst, and will admit that I let it go pretty far before pulling the plug. Even then, it wasn't any sense of morality that stopped me, or any lack of empathy.

 

Once this woman gave me the green light, instead of being excited, I actually got angry. I felt like " So THIS is what my whore wife was out doing..." and the whole thing just made me sick to my stomache.

 

but had it gone further... would I have fessed up? I dunno. Easy to say I would, which is what we all SAY on here. But reality has a way of being much more difficult than typing on interweb forums.

 

I think realizing what you thought of your ww, you wouldn't want anyone to know you did the same thing. You wouldn't want to be thought of as a deceitful liar so you would do what comes natural, protect.

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I don't believe it's healthy to stay in a relationship and beat someone down for their mistakes, it's far more healthier to move on and let go of someone whom you no longer trust or respect. I think this is really what you're struggling with.

 

Thanks Furious. I read all of what you wrote. Great points. I've highlighted the last part because I think it's the most relevant to the topic.

 

It is definitely healthier to let go of people you don't trust. Especially if the ROI on that relationship is minimal.

 

But had I done that, based on the first couple of years of my WW exhibiting what I now know is quite natural WS behavior ( minimizing, omitting etc ) we never would have gotten to where we are now, which while admittedly not perfect, is in some ways better than ever before.

 

I raised the topic because I wonder if sometimes BS's lack empathy for WS's. Sure some of them turn out to be horrible people, but others...good PEOPLE who made bad choices for dumb reasons. And while I did the right thing by my marriage, and she did the wrong thing by it, I wonder if I don't still feel like I get to play the high horse card ( even subconsciously) in areas outside of our marriage, ya know?

 

I know BS's who don't trust their WS's with the kids, with money, with the car, with the bills...nothing. It's as if cheating and all the extreme selfishness that comes with it, automatically means WS's are irresponsible or morally reprehensible in ALL facets of life. And I don't believe that's always the case.

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It's as if cheating and all the extreme selfishness that comes with it, automatically means WS's are irresponsible or morally reprehensible in ALL facets of life. And I don't believe that's always the case.

I think that's rarely the case. You have a small percentage of WS's who are just immature and selfish, should never be in an R, and feel entitled to do whatever they want. Just unevolved people all-around, IMO. A small percentage, though. I think most are usually good people who found themselves caught up in a situation, made some poor choices, and look to find their way out of it. If you can wrap your head around some of the circumstances that made the A possible, you're definitely empathetic to your WS.

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My answer: There's less a chance of losing everything if you come clean from the get, than if you're found out to be lying on top of your lies down the line.

Her reply: It's a risk most aren't willing to take. She'd rather play the odds of it never being found out.

My reply: How'd that work out?

 

In effect, it's hard to answer whether or not I (as a BS) would minimize and try to save everything by not disclosing or trickle-truthing. I can't erase the perspective I have. I can see the rationale of the WW in that moment - they're just trying to survive, keep what they have and not face the consequences. I get it. But I always go back to the odds.

 

here's the thing though - WS DO risk everything they have when they don't tell the truth. Because really, the only thing we have is integrity. If I can't live in an honest way I have nothing. Everything else I would have would be based on a lie - including my marriage. If I have to lie to keep someone married to what kind of marriage is that? It's not one.

Where WS get caught up is trying to perpetuate this lie. And not realizing the person they're lying to the most is themselves.

Love your spouse enough to give them a choice.

 

2nd point: I'm guessing my husband couldn't stand having a moral high ground on me and it was one of the many reasons for his RA's. The first thing out of his mouth when I asked why? "I wanted to go to hell with you."

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You know, I was briefly with another woman when I left my house. We did not have sex but came extremely close let's put it that way. It was weird how uncomfortable it felt at first to be with somebody else. Maybe because I had too much on my mind I don't know. I am sure to some point it has to be a natural feeling when you're with the same person for so long then jump to another person quickly it may feel weird at first. I wasn't attached to her emotionally either so I think that would have made a lot of difference. It did not at all feel like I was cheating though. I don't think I even felt bad about it ironically.

 

I had tried to give my wife a full disclosure that she wanted nothing to do with when I came home. She did seem upset at first and started saying "I probably did x,y,x" so I got a taste of what I probably gave her. She cried and told me it was "her" fault that I did that. If she wouldn't have done what she did none of this would have happened basically is what she kept saying. I was ready to tell her everything we did if that's what she wanted to hear. She did not believe me anyways. I think she thinks we did have sex. There was a deep hatred for OW though that's for sure. That was really the only thing she really wanted to know is who it was. Then all I heard were insults about the other woman.

 

During those times I thought I was divorcing and was moving on. I'm not sure why, but I thought the touch and presence of another woman would have helped me through a terrible time in my life.

 

I know I've caught some flack on this forum for doing that. They say I "cheated". But did I really because I wasn't completely divorced? When my wife had her affair she made that contract void so at that point I didn't care if I was completely divorced or not. Not to mention my state didn't care anyways. So it doesn't matter if somebody cheats or what, you're still going to go through the ringer here at least.

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This "moral high ground" is another pop-psychology phrase that is tossed around a lot but has different meaning to different people. To me a BS maintaining the moral high ground means that they actively treat their WS as inferior (because of their decision to cheat) long after d-day. Its making their WS twist in the wind and loving it. Its doing something mean to WS and openly gloating over them. But its not feeling in your gut & heart like your WS is less of a person after they cheat & lie & betray you. Of course if a BS feels this way there will be some amount of those feelings that bubble out - but that's just being human. The reality of the situation is that their WS did a morally reprehensible thing and caused a deep trauma to them. To think that the BS will not feel that their WS is scum for and treat them as such in the wake of d-day is not rational. To pretend that taking the moral low-ground by cheating doesn't put their BS in a superior position would be ignoring the many tail-between-their legs confessions of WS's. I mean, if WS is so embarassed and feels like dirt then aren't they demonstrating their low moral standing with the BS?

 

We all measure ourselves against others and when we do that we NEVER come out equal. We always see someone as better or worse than we ourselves are. In the area of fidelity, the BS will always see themselves as better then their WS. Why shouldn't they? But actively tossing it around to win arguments or justify their bad behavior becomes selfish, childish behavior soon after d-day. Yeah, it may come up now and then when tempers are lost but, again, we are all just human so the WS will have to accept a little blow-back as the price of cheating.

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here's the thing though - WS DO risk everything they have when they don't tell the truth.

Exactly. But they go into it thinking they can control it. They'll "be different". As long as they manage the A the way they want, they keep the risk low. The problem occurs when they're not able to turn that thinking off. The deeper they get...the more layers that are added to it...the more potential evidence compiled....the higher the risk. And when it's discovered: boom! The top's blown off. Sh*t's flying everywhere, or at the very least leaking out. But they still think they can control it.

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I'm guessing my husband couldn't stand having a moral high ground on me and it was one of the many reasons for his RA's. The first thing out of his mouth when I asked why? "I wanted to go to hell with you."

 

Awww... how noble of him. I must remember this line. Did it work? :)

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Yeah, it may come up now and then when tempers are lost but, again, we are all just human so the WS will have to accept a little blow-back as the price of cheating.

 

Yep. WEnt through one of these, and blurted out something F'd up to the wife, and expected all hell to break loose.

 

All she said was. " I deserved that this time, but you can't use that to win every argument."

 

She was right on both counts. I think a WS who understands that the pain will come out in various ways, is one who understands the healing process somewhat.

 

I also think a BS who understands that being a WS is a tough row to hoe is also better off.

 

Part of the reason I stay with my wife is because she stays with me. The last few years were not easy on her either.

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During those times I thought I was divorcing and was moving on. I'm not sure why, but I thought the touch and presence of another woman would have helped me through a terrible time in my life.

 

I know I've caught some flack on this forum for doing that. They say I "cheated". But did I really because I wasn't completely divorced? When my wife had her affair she made that contract void so at that point I didn't care if I was completely divorced or not. Not to mention my state didn't care anyways. So it doesn't matter if somebody cheats or what, you're still going to go through the ringer here at least.

I didn't pursue a woman to the degree you say you did - but I wanted to. I just didn't work hard enough to find a woman willing to be with me. As some of you know, I had to leave our home immediately and I moved in with brother-in-law (who was divorced from my sister). Never told him more than that I was finished with my marriage & he never asked me a thing about why. So I guess sitting in my BIL's spare bedroom wishing I was dead made hooking up a little harder then if I was cruising the bar's or even going to work.

 

I have said I didn't talk to anyone about my wife's cheating for decades. That's not true - I guess I purposely overlooked talking to our minister about 2 weeks after d-day. I told him the basics of what she did and how devastated I was - like he couldn't see that. He was shocked because he knew us and my wife's family. He tried to be very comforting but I was inconsolable. Like you I thought I must replace that bitch with a woman - any woman - in order to take my mind off of my hell. I was determined to hate my WW forever and never look back so I wanted to build an emotional wall between my life now and my life with her. But I could not pursue any kind of relationship with another woman because I was married. I sure didn't feel "married" in spirit after what she did and I asked our minister if, in his eyes, I could try to begin dating without violating my marriage vow. He was surprised I even asked and told me quite firmly that my wife's actions had destroyed the marriage vows and I was free to do whatever I chose in this circumstance. He did advise me to wait until I was emotionally ready before I began dating other women, but anyone would understand that advice.

 

When I did get back with my wife she asked me who I had told about all of this and I told her no one but our minister. Needless to say, she never set foot in that church again. She also was very interested to know if I hooked up with anyone and was relieved to find out I hadn't.

 

Very long-winded response - I guess I'm feeling especially sad today. But that sadness did motivate me to give you my opinion that when your WW did what she did AND you had no intention of reconciling then all marriage vows ceased to exist. There is the letter of the law and the spirit of the law, and I strongly believe that God knows the difference.

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Posted by trusted then busted.............Then she began acting like a human being. She began telling the truth ( I could tell it was true, because I hated every word of it ) She began apologizing out of nowhere. She became less judgmental of her friends, and more of an active citizen in our household. Basically she turned a corner in such a way that I decided she was worth a 2nd chance, and it's been about 3 years since that day. So I'd say our R started after a 2 year false start.

 

*******************************************************************

 

Everyone on here has a DEALBREAKER.....mine is infidelity....a a Man and a BH,sure it was about the sex...but just as much about the LIES...the Deceit and her BETRAYAL.....she had for 22 years of marriage...

 

Again I have read here and on other sites where a BH trys to R ...WW trickle truths him for months/years..until ROCK BOTTOM hits...and the TRUTH ( as much as she is going to tell) comes out....

 

The pain is IMMENSE and some BHs here have Triggered for years ...not months ..YEARS and still struggle (some) after 25 years...IN GODS NAME WHY?

 

My EXWW will always be (when the thought of her occurs) a lying deceitful who*e who destroyed 2 families....

 

Most days now she is dead to me...

Edited by badkarma2013
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Posted by trusted then busted.............Then she began acting like a human being. She began telling the truth ( I could tell it was true, because I hated every word of it ) She began apologizing out of nowhere. She became less judgmental of her friends, and more of an active citizen in our household. Basically she turned a corner in such a way that I decided she was worth a 2nd chance, and it's been about 3 years since that day. So I'd say our R started after a 2 year false start.

 

*******************************************************************

 

Everyone on here has a DEALBREAKER.....mine is infidelity....a a Man and a BH,sure it was about the sex...but just as much about the LIES...the Deceit and her BETRAYAL.....she had for 22 years of marriage...

 

Again I have read here and on other sites where a BH trys to R ...WW trickle truths him for months/years..until ROCK BOTTOM hits...and the TRUTH ( as much as she is going to tell) comes out....

 

The pain is IMMENSE and some BHs here have Triggered for years ...not months ..YEARS and still struggle (some) after 25 years...IN GODS NAME WHY?

 

My EXWW will always be (when the thought of her occurs) a lying deceitful who*e who destroyed 2 families....

 

Most days now she is dead to me...

 

I hear you man. Loud and clear. And I know there are those out there who struggle for decades. I certainly don't plan on being one of them. I believe there are coupled who survive this, and can learn to thrive. But I think it takes TWO of them getting to a place of total honesty, with a commitment to always speak openly about any issues.

 

You don't get there overnight, and as we've all learned painfully, none of us were anywhere close to that in our marriages.

 

Why stay? Because believe it or not, we are closer to that now, than we've ever been, although it was a hard road. And most days, I think I'm the one who is the roadblock to future growth. ( Feelings set in, and I withdraw for a few days ) But it's getting better. If we can stay on this track, I believe it will be worth it. But yeah....it's a leap of faith into the arms of the person who let you hit the ground last time.

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Thanks Furious. I read all of what you wrote. Great points. I've highlighted the last part because I think it's the most relevant to the topic.

 

It is definitely healthier to let go of people you don't trust. Especially if the ROI on that relationship is minimal.

 

But had I done that, based on the first couple of years of my WW exhibiting what I now know is quite natural WS behavior ( minimizing, omitting etc ) we never would have gotten to where we are now, which while admittedly not perfect, is in some ways better than ever before.

 

I raised the topic because I wonder if sometimes BS's lack empathy for WS's. Sure some of them turn out to be horrible people, but others...good PEOPLE who made bad choices for dumb reasons. And while I did the right thing by my marriage, and she did the wrong thing by it, I wonder if I don't still feel like I get to play the high horse card ( even subconsciously) in areas outside of our marriage, ya know?

 

I know BS's who don't trust their WS's with the kids, with money, with the car, with the bills...nothing. It's as if cheating and all the extreme selfishness that comes with it, automatically means WS's are irresponsible or morally reprehensible in ALL facets of life. And I don't believe that's always the case.

 

 

I really thought about your valid observations and agree that no one owns the moral high ground all the time. A healthy person recognizes that and does not use it as a weapon.

 

This is an infidelity forum and there are many people here who were hurt badly. but does that make them a saint....no not all. A truly remorseful WS may take years to regain the love and trust they risked. It wouldn't be fair to her/him to hold them in contempt for the rest of their lives. Reconciliation is a hard and long road, and some just sweep things under the rug but wrestle with their own issues.

 

Ironically, many betrayed spouses become WS's and it's not surprising that in a way it's a rejection of moral high-ground in the sense that if you can't beat them join them and that cheating is not really seen as such a big deal in society.

 

Have a look around you and the people and family member in your own life and it's very telling as to which are authentic and which are not.

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I understand hiding and lying...and even falling down and cheating... but I see so many WS either lack remorse, or only fake it when caught - because they are caught and seeking to protect themselves. Its called character disorder - lacking true deep remorse and regret and empathy for those you hurt.

 

I think its not moral superiority - but some kind of mental health understanding.... that so few of us are left who understand deep and profound remorse and regret when we hurt others. I have issues even excepting forgiveness when its offered for the rare bad things in my life..but here on LS there are so many WS's who simply don't feel the pain of those they hurt, or have deep internal shame and remorse.

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If you are a person who believes past actions will every taint future actions, then you will always hold the moral high ground (unless of course you commit some crime of equal or more reprehensibility.). But if you are a person who believes present actions and behaviour are how people are to be judged. (redemption, reformation, ect), then I think you can easily move past the higher ground. I do think people who are more open minded and empathetic have an easier time letting go of the moral high ground (empathetic to say the pain a remorseful WS feels over their crime).

 

just a note on empathy. People can feel empathy in more than one area. I have seen people on here who have great empathy towards someone who has been in their shoes as a BS but little to none for a WS even one that you can see is completely broken. So to say WS don't feel empathy period is not an accurate statement.

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I hear you man. Loud and clear. And I know there are those out there who struggle for decades. I certainly don't plan on being one of them. I believe there are coupled who survive this, and can learn to thrive. But I think it takes TWO of them getting to a place of total honesty, with a commitment to always speak openly about any issues.

 

You don't get there overnight, and as we've all learned painfully, none of us were anywhere close to that in our marriages.

 

Why stay? Because believe it or not, we are closer to that now, than we've ever been, although it was a hard road. And most days, I think I'm the one who is the roadblock to future growth. ( Feelings set in, and I withdraw for a few days ) But it's getting better. If we can stay on this track, I believe it will be worth it. But yeah....it's a leap of faith into the arms of the person who let you hit the ground last time.

 

 

I'm not trying to be flippant here. But you're 1/2 way to decade 1 of dwelling on it. It's been 5 years! You've admitted that you've had a good year and are closer than ever. And it's been good for 3 Move on from it. Why post about it?

 

You're beating yourself up with self misery and still in the back of your mind, punishing your spouse with your self righteousness.

 

You'll never find true happiness until you forgive completely, which you haven't done.

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I'm not trying to be flippant here. But you're 1/2 way to decade 1 of dwelling on it. It's been 5 years! You've admitted that you've had a good year and are closer than ever. And it's been good for 3 Move on from it. Why post about it?

 

You're beating yourself up with self misery and still in the back of your mind, punishing your spouse with your self righteousness.

 

You'll never find true happiness until you forgive completely, which you haven't done.

When a WS trickle truths or lies it resets the clock on the 2-5 years of recovery. Which is an average. So he is on 3 years. I don't think it is that odd of a place to be in.

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I'm not trying to be flippant here. But you're 1/2 way to decade 1 of dwelling on it. It's been 5 years! You've admitted that you've had a good year and are closer than ever. And it's been good for 3 Move on from it. Why post about it?

 

You're beating yourself up with self misery and still in the back of your mind, punishing your spouse with your self righteousness.

You'll never find true happiness until you forgive completely, which you haven't done.

Spoken like a true WS - thanks for sharing.

 

Everyone knows that the BS just has to get over it. Stop living in the past because, if you don't, you are punishing your WS. And, of course, forgive completely right now you selfish bastard. Cali408 - thanks again for your remarkable insights.

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'When a WS trickle truths or lies it resets the clock on the 2-5 years of recovery. Which is an average. So he is on 3 years. '

 

 

Is this from a reputable study, or is it from any anecdotal evidence, or.... is it like most stats quoted here... pulled outta da a**?

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You're beating yourself up with self misery and still in the back of your mind, punishing your spouse with your self righteousness.

He's doing the work to get to a better place. I don't find anything about it self-righteous. In fact, this thread is pretty much about combatting that very thing, IMO.

 

You'll never find true happiness until you forgive completely, which you haven't done.

Forgiveness is different things to different people. It's not a prerequisite for moving forward.

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