Was cheated on and made fun of for it. Hurt!!!

[BananaIceCream]

:(Hey guys..I'm going to keep this brief but I'm beyond devastated and could really use a lift me up. I'm 3 months post breakup but it only feels like 3 days.

 

I've been with my ex for 4 years, during which I became so close to his family and his two children (I don't have children). At the beginning when we started dating his best friends wife was constantly nosing in our ****. She claimed to have a big crush on him years back, he didn't want to date her so she went for his best friend. For the first year she was constantly talking smack to each of us and trying to start fights between us till I finally closed the door on her ass and so did he. For the years after that she left us alone and we grew closer and our relationship was much better.

 

Fast forward three more years when I get a text from my ex at 3am and immediately I knew it was for someone else. Found out after some snooping he had been going to the strip club up the street from where he lives and met a gal four years younger than me (I'm 30). I am beyond shattered and devastated because I truly thought we had something special between us.

 

During the 6 months after DDay we were constantly fighting and he continued to deny to the end that he had been cheating. I cried my eyes out, poured my heart out, begged him to please admit it and we would work on it and I would forgive him. He never budged at all. There were a couple things that stuck with my mind that he said while he was drunk. One of them being that strippers have terrific sex, and the other being that I wasn't the best he had in bed. When I later told him what he said he was blank, and he seemed upset with himself but said he didn't mean it. It was too late since I already feel inadequate. Still, every time we fought he would go back to that strip club or turn off his phone and ignore me. It was like a different man I had never met.

 

We were at his best friend's wife kids birthday party. Everyone there avoided eye contact with me. I sat by myself and just surfed my iPhone, his 7 yr old daughter laying on my arms (I was sooooooo in love with his daughter she was truly like my little sister or niece). Best friends wife gives me a smirk and bumps my ex with her hip and gives him a sexy look blatantly in front of me.

 

Finally I called it quits. When I told him it wasn't going to work he said 'oh really, who's the new guy?' Liar knew I wasn't seeing anyone.

 

Days after I called it quits he opens a POF account. I creeped his facebook and best friends wife bleated to everyone about how she didn't like me (I have been GOOD to this woman and her ****ing kids, I bought her daughter and kids bday presents). And that her and I got into an argument (this never happened, wtf?), and that I wasn't a match for him and he wasn't into me anyways.

 

And, stupid me did more creeping and he was sending photos of 21 yr old gals (he is 38) to this mean woman saying 'I'd like to walk past bananaicecream with this hottie on my arm' and she is egging him on. O....M....G.....how could I not see this evil before???

 

I'm beyond hurt devastated and seriously crying every time I think of this treatment. I swear I am a nice girl and thought him and I had something special. And his kids I loved seeing them grow and loved hugging and kissing them like my own.

 

I know now who to stay away from and to start treating myself better. I cut off all contact and haven't said to seen a peep to these people.

 

But I am shocked and sooooo confused at how my life turned upside down so quickly??? How can someone do this??? Anyone please give me some insight. I live on my own and I get panic attacks and can't help feeling so crappy!

Edited December 17, 2014 by BananaIceCream

[turnera]

You'll only get respect when you start realizing you DESERVE respect. If YOU won't respect yourself, why should he or anyone else?

 

Walk away. Expect more from the men in your life. And go to therapy to figure out why you accepted this.

[BananaIceCream]

I've already walked away as was said in my post. Doesn't mean that I am not still jn pain over this.

 

This is only my second real relationship. My mother died when I was young and my dad never taught me what a healthy relationship should be as he was never there I feel I have to learn his on my own.

 

I'm already getting counselling. I ony wanted people's perspextive on what happened cause it hurt me badly. I already know how to take care of myself I only wanted to year what people had to say about the situation

 

And I already do respect myself thank you very much.

[Matilda75]

I'm sorry to hear about the horrible way your ex treated you. You clearly deserve much better, and have so much to give. Good for you for getting away from that insanity. I know it hurts now but in time you'll be grateful to be away from someone so toxic. You ex does not sound like he'll end well.

 

The hard work for you is figuring out how you let this jerk get so close to you. You're young, so I can imagine he was charming and if anything seemed amiss you gave him the benefit of the doubt. A natural part of aging is learning to be more discriminating.

 

I know it must feel lonely, but you're really on a healthier road. You are on track to building a more solid and dependable future. Focus on taking care of you. By pulling yourself together you can leave those two losers in the dust, forever.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, like you I started to see a very different person than the person I'd fallen in love with. I snooped and discovered hurtful things which in turn seemed to inspire hurtful things from the people around her.

 

It sounds like you were in a nest of pettiness and immaturity. Somewhere along the line, he changed his mind about you. And rather than breaking things off with you in a mature way, he started to resent and disrespect you and encouraged others to do the same.

 

You have strong emotional ties to his children. As hard as it is to believe, those ties must be broken and will be broken with time and steadfast NC. I couldn't understand how the people who were extensions of my ex, friends and family, whose company I enjoyed and who enjoyed my company, had to now become extinct. It seemed like the cruelest reality. It is real and it must happen.

 

Life goes on. Life is full of hard lessons. Intimacy is a wondrous thing. In the wrong hands intimacy can be a most destructive device.

 

Let this experience expand your self-awareness. The anger, bitterness and selfishness you see---resolve never to become. Find ways to extend compassion to people outside of your circle. Especially now. Pain is a truly great teacher.

 

Feel secure in the knowledge that unless these people recognize the hurt they cause, they will just continue to cause it. Who would fit best in their circle now? Someone who is like them. Are you like them? It doesn't sound like it. Necessarily, you must leave.

 

Go NC. Be good to yourself. Date yourself. Let this hurt die within you. Heal. Move on.

 

:-)

[2.50 a gallon]

Yes how quickly the situation can change. For me it was our 6 month anniversary, I bought her a rose and went to surprise her at her place of work. That is when I caught her kissing a pretty boy, body builder guard in the parking lot. The marriage was over.

 

 

Rule of thumb when it comes to cheaters, they almost always cheat down. And after time to heal, the betrayed, will find some one new and move up.

 

 

I sure did, have been in a loving relationship, of almost 20 years, with the sweetest, kindest most giving woman I have ever met. And the icing on the cake, she is totally out of my league in the looks department. Is a grandmother to a teenager and still has an hour glass figure.

 

 

While the intervening years have not been kind to my EX in the looks department, and she has married and divorced a second time.

 

 

You will heal, you will find someone new and so much better and without toxic friends. It will happen, maybe not tomorrow, but some day

 

 

Give yourself some time to heal

[TrustedthenBusted]

This is a horrible story. I'm very sorry. There are a million little anecdotes out there, but they all say the same thing. Life is hard, and people can be very cruel, especially when they are justifying their own mistakes.

 

Good for you for walking away from these people. Don't look back. And now for one of my favorite little anecdotes " Living well is the best revenge."

 

Go do things that make you happy. Move on, be well...no... be BETTER off then you were with him. Trust me... they are creeping your stuff just as much. Let them see only happiness. REAL happiness too.

[elaine567]

You met a man who was way beneath you in ethics and morality and he reverted to type. Strippers and an OW... classy!

Unfortunately you also got in the way of an unhealthy relationship between your ex and his best friend's wife.

 

She has decided to stick the knife into you, as I suspect she had designs on him when he ended up with you. As she now knows he is probably off limits for her, she is trying to be the next best thing, his friend and confidante.

As she hates you, she will try and belittle you in every way she knows how.

 

YOU are the one who has been wronged here, there is no need to hide away, hold your head up and ignore these nasty people, leave them in their sad little world.

YOU are young, you are now completely free to do what you want with your life.

Think hard and make plans to do what you always wanted to do, and make sure it happens.

[evanescentworld]

I've already walked away as was said in my post. Doesn't mean that I am not still jn pain over this.

 

This is only my second real relationship. My mother died when I was young and my dad never taught me what a healthy relationship should be as he was never there I feel I have to learn his on my own.

 

I'm already getting counselling. I ony wanted people's perspextive on what happened cause it hurt me badly. I already know how to take care of myself I only wanted to year what people had to say about the situation

 

And I already do respect myself thank you very much.

 

OK, I'm going to be as gentle as I can, because I can tell how much this is affecting you.

 

First, let me give you a bit of background, but if you'll forgive me, I'm going to be scant with information.

 

When I was quite a bit younger, I suffered a life-changing trauma at the hands of someone we thought was a true and trusted family friend.

The whole experience left me feeling very vulnerable, exposed, intimidated and fearful.

I kept the whole thing to myself for a very long time, because of shame and embarrassment, and also, because this so-called 'friend' continued to enjoy a close and friendly relationship with my family.

 

I tried counselling, but in spite of finding 3 different ones, none of them actually supported or helped the situation, and in fact, two of them very nearly set me back to zero....

 

In the end, I would say that, after buying my entire nation's virtual total supply of self-help books, I ploughed my own way to recovery.

Now, I'm so over it, I could probably hold a decent conversation with this person, and never blanch or buckle one inch.

He's moved abroad now, and the family has lost touch with him, but I see his daughters frequently; they are lovely, and I never think of them in any kind of light other than total unconditional friendship. They talk about what their dad is doing, how he's getting on and what job he's at, and I feel nothing but indifference....

 

I discovered that the main thing holding me back, impeding my recovery and stopping me from healing, was my nurturing of my own "Victim" thought process and Mind-set.

 

Which brings me to the bolded part of your post.

You have nothing but my empathy at your situation and circumstances, but such experience will only be a hindrance to you, if you use the reasons as excuses, or as a crutch.

 

"I can't help the way I am, because of *this*, *that* and *the other* happening.

 

You have already come this far, 'on your own'.

But don't let your Past define who you are, today.

Sure, our experiences shape us. But it's up to us what shape we take.

You have been poorly treated, but is there something within you that causes you to believe that part of you deserves it?

I hope not, because of course, you most certainly don't....

 

It's already bad enough that you suffer from panic attacks, but when you feel anxiety arise, challenge the point of fear, and seek its power over you.

You will find whatever it is, that it has none.

 

Some people find strength in their own flaws. They behave in an abysmal way, and feel it makes them a better person, but any observer will tell you this is far from true.

An idiot who behaves like an idiot, will always be an idiot.

 

Do not let incidents such as this one, gain a foothold in your head, and plant itself, rent-free, to torment you.

 

A little trick I used to practise whenever I noticed a self-hindering thought arise, was to welcome it.

 

"Oh hello, Anxiety, here you are again! Tell me, what is it you want, this time? You can only stay a second or two, I have no need for your visit. Tell me, what is it you wish to relay? because you know, I don't believe a word of it!"

 

Meditation helped me a lot. I found my thought processes eventually turned from grey clouds to blue skies.....

Investigate Meditation as a Calm-inducing process....

 

I wish you well.

[Clay]

I think you are doing the right things. I know its really hard to get past this but you just need to understand it takes time. You did not deserve what was done to you. Any one who is not happy in a relationship has the right to leave. He chose to be a coward and cheat. As far as the best friends wife I am sure she will get hers in time. I would just ignore her. People lie all the time to make themselves look better. The real question is why do you suppose they do that? Its because deep down in side they already know what you do. They are loosers.

 

Its only a matter of time she will get hers.

 

There are alot of great men out there that want what you want. You will find a good man and get the respect you deserve.

 

I wouldn't give your x another minute of your time. You deserve better.

 

Clay

[yessy21]

GIRLLLL! they did this to me too. except that the girl they cheated on me and left me and my daughter for was his best friends ex gf.

 

 

came crawling back every time they fought... my word of advice.

 

 

They are soooo high school. Don't even care. He's just mad he got dumped instead of him doing the dumping. I bet you always gave him small gifts and was always snuggling his neck. he's just comfortable.

 

 

Life is beautiful. Eventually you will meet some hottie yourself and when you least expect it you will run into these highschoolers and their jaws will drop to the floor.

 

 

At least that's what happened to me. 5 years later and I Win.

 

 

It also helped that I got into better shape and died my hair blonde. and I don't smoke cigarettes so my face is baby smooth.

[Chi townD]

Good, you got rid of him. Sad part in all of this is the kids. Sounds like you built a loving and caring relationship with them and it's sad that it has to end.

 

 

As far as him and his friends are concerned, you need to go to a strict NO CONTACT with all of them. That means not creeping on social media as well. Don't text him, call him or email him. DO not answer and text, calls or emails from HIM.

 

 

It's time to heal and move on. You need to work on you. You sound like a sweetheart. But, you also come across as a little paranoid. This could be a by product of low self esteem and low self worth. You might want to see a counselor to help you get a handle on your feelings.

 

 

You say that you have no idea on what to look for in a partner and a relationship. It's very simple. You need to find a guy that's going to treat you with kindness love and respect. Trust me, they're out there.

[Artie Lang]

i'm not as gentle as some, so here goes.

 

 

obviously, you don't respect yourself because you continue to eat the ***** sandwich these horrible people are feeding you. get this straight- none of these people are your friends. ever heard the saying, "when a person shows you who they are- BELIEVE THEM" well, these people are showing you exactly who they are so why not give them the finger and start walking.

 

 

it seems you cling to this relationship because of your past. have you explained this situation to you counselor?

 

 

seriously, you need to strap on your b!tch boots and tell all these people to **** off because they're mocking you at every turn as long as you stay in this toxic situation.

[BananaIceCream]

i'm not as gentle as some, so here goes.

 

 

obviously, you don't respect yourself because you continue to eat the ***** sandwich these horrible people are feeding you. get this straight- none of these people are your friends. ever heard the saying, "when a person shows you who they are- BELIEVE THEM" well, these people are showing you exactly who they are so why not give them the finger and start walking.

 

 

it seems you cling to this relationship because of your past. have you explained this situation to you counselor?

 

 

seriously, you need to strap on your b!tch boots and tell all these people to **** off because they're mocking you at every turn as long as you stay in this toxic situation.

 

LOL your as much a douchebag as the two losers in my original post! I already said I had no contact, I only posted the story here to get some perspective. But your stupid ****in ass clearly glossed my post through and started blasting off assumptions like a schizo hyena! Feel better? Smarter? "Dur dur dur....youz got no self respectz."

 

Thank everyone else all for your insight.:-)

[Sub]

Yikes. I think he's on your side there, kiddo.

[BananaIceCream]

Ab so ****ing lutely NOT if he telling me I have no self respect! I WALKED and that's been made CLEAR! I only wanted to see what people thought of he situation, not of me. And no he was not on my side.

[BananaIceCream]

Another thing, there is a first for everyone and not everyone has dealt with infidelity, divorce, breakups, death, losinga job, being a single mom, etc etc. Just cause I found myself in a ****storm of confusion in a relationship that I ASSUMED (and everyone else) to be all well does NOT render me having low self esteem etc. to anyone who thinks that I say eff the hell off.

 

This is a first time situation for me, just cause i don't understand it doesn't mean I should be lambasted for it. In other words people need to get he **** off their superior high horse because someone has been through this and doesn't know how to deal with it!!!

[evanescentworld]

Ok, ok... Honey, please.... calm down!

 

You know, people take the time to post their opinions, because they care to.

Some are velvet-gloved, others less so, but one thing is for sure: If they care enough about your situation, they'll reply.

Secondly, all they have to go on, is black words on a white page.

We have no idea what you look like, what THEY look like, the whole shooting-match scenario, other factors leading up, leading from, what you do during the day, how you live your life or anything else.

All we see, all we have to go on, is what you initially post, and yes, maybe sometimes people add 2 + 2 and make 38, but originally, they posted to help.

 

Please, calm down.

You explained in the first post that you get panic attacks.

A colleague of mine has this issue too, and her self-esteem is non-existent. And it is an occasional symptom of poor self-image, (hence the 2 + 2 = 38) and it has been put forward as a situation many times, on this forum.

 

Chill, sweetheart.

It's nothing seriously personal. People DO mean well....

[No Limit]

You were easy prey for a sociopath. And don't even start trying to figure out what motives a sociopath could have. At the very least he has so little self-esteem that he needs to pay girls to giggly agree with everything he says and have sex with.

[turnera]

I respect myself very well.

 

I get a text from my ex at 3am and immediately I knew it was for someone else. He had been going to the strip club up the street from where he lives and met a gal four years younger than me (I'm 30). he continued to deny that he had been cheating. I cried my eyes out, poured my heart out, begged him to please admit it and we would work on it and I would forgive him.

 

strippers have terrific sex, and the other being that I wasn't the best he had in bed. he said he didn't mean it. It was too late since I already feel inadequate.

 

Still, every time we fought he would go back to that strip club or turn off his phone and ignore me.

 

Everyone there avoided eye contact with me. I sat by myself and just surfed my iPhone

 

Best friend's wife gives me a smirk and bumps my ex with her hip and gives him a sexy look blatantly in front of me.

 

Finally I called it quits. Days after I called it quits he opens a POF account. I creeped his facebook

 

And, stupid me did more creeping

 

I'm beyond hurt devastated and seriously crying every time I think of this treatment.

 

I know now to start treating myself better.

I'm sorry, and I am trying to HELP you, not trash you. But this is not respecting yourself.

[turnera]

LOL your as much a douchebag as the two losers in my original post!

Really?

 

Someone comes here ON THEIR OWN to offer you advice and because they DARE to say YOU have some growing up to do, you react with a low-class comment like that?

 

btw, it's "you're" - not "your."

[turnera]

Another thing, there is a first for everyone and not everyone has dealt with infidelity, divorce, breakups, death, losinga job, being a single mom, etc etc. Just cause I found myself in a ****storm of confusion in a relationship that I ASSUMED (and everyone else) to be all well does NOT render me having low self esteem etc. to anyone who thinks that I say eff the hell off.

 

This is a first time situation for me, just cause i don't understand it doesn't mean I should be lambasted for it. In other words people need to get he **** off their superior high horse because someone has been through this and doesn't know how to deal with it!!!

Nobody has lambasted you.

 

People have offered CONSTRUCTIVE criticism which, if you'd even listen to it, you'd see could offer some things you could do to lead toward a happier life.

 

You admit yourself you never had a stable, loving family growing up. So you probably didn't have someone offering you guidance in how to navigate tough times like this.

 

But if your only decision is to deride anyone who dares to say anything but 'oh poor little you,' well, what kind of advice do you really think you can get?

 

Life is hard. You have to make tough decisions. You don't always get what you want. Sometimes you compromise to get to the high road. It's part of growing up.

[BananaIceCream]

I'm sorry, and I am trying to HELP you, not trash you. But this is not respecting yourself.

 

Oh ffs I'm so sorry that I was IN LOVE at the time my mind wasn't in the right space and confused I was shell shocked and triying to work it out. It took a ****load for me to walk. Not everyone makes 100% thre right decision ALL THE TIME. I've already observed what I did and in hindsight maybe they weren't the best (or according to you I wasn't respecting myself lmao) Quiet frankly I think I handled the situation well. And I have zero regrets on how I handled it. I learned. But to me it was NOT an issue of self respect!! I had no idea how to deal with it at the time and now I do.

[BananaIceCream]

Nobody has lambasted you.

 

People have offered CONSTRUCTIVE criticism which, if you'd even listen to it, you'd see could offer some things you could do to lead toward a happier life.

 

You admit yourself you never had a stable, loving family growing up. So you probably didn't have someone offering you guidance in how to navigate tough times like this.

 

But if your only decision is to deride anyone who dares to say anything but 'oh poor little you,' well, what kind of advice do you really think you can get?

 

Life is hard. You have to make tough decisions. You don't always get what you want. Sometimes you compromise to get to the high road. It's part of growing up.

 

No I'm only deriding you since you came on here blasting with you garbage about me not having self respect and putting on bitch boots blah blah blah. I didn't ask for critique on me (and I even said that multiple times) but on the situation. Got it, get it, good :-D

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, you posted your side of things asking for advice. People, for better or worse, are giving you their interpretation. The anger, outrage and defensiveness you display suggests to me that perhaps you're not entirely guiltless in this affair. You seem only interested in hearing what you want to hear. That is not the mark of someone seeking help.

 

Let's all calm down.