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How much of the truth do you expect to hear?


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WS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table).

 

Do/did you expect every detail and if so (since they lied in the first place) do you feel you are not given the whole truth?

 

If your WS doesn't want to discuss details or they just want to give the *coles version* how does communication go if you need/expect to know more? How much does your need to know impact the reconciliation?

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WS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table).

 

Do/did you expect every detail and if so (since they lied in the first place) do you feel you are not given the whole truth?

 

If your WS doesn't want to discuss details or they just want to give the *coles version* how does communication go if you need/expect to know more? How much does your need to know impact the reconciliation?

 

 

I know my opinion will be much different than most, if not all BS's, but the exact details pale in comparison to the truth of why it happened in the first place. I could detail the hundreds of sexual encounters, and the nearly a million messages, but none of those things really get to the heart of the matter. All those things do is admit that we were heavily involved.

 

If you get down to the root; those are the damaging things. Those are the things that will likely never be overcome.

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WS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table).

 

Do/did you expect every detail and if so (since they lied in the first place) do you feel you are not given the whole truth?

 

If your WS doesn't want to discuss details or they just want to give the *coles version* how does communication go if you need/expect to know more? How much does your need to know impact the reconciliation?

 

I hired a PI and that was enough truth. I was given more information than my husband even knew and that was the ironic thing in how affairs are built on a foundation of lies.

 

The nitty gritty of of affairs are...like high school drama. It's like an adolescent version of the book "50 shades of Grey"...which will not win a Pulitzer Prize in the art of literature.

 

Affairs are like Facebook, a marketing tool to project an image rather than the reality. I'm reminded of a joke....Bob smith died and only two people showed up at his funeral. The two people who attended were perplexed as to why no others showed up, because Bob had over 2000 Facebook friends.

 

In my situation, I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. Naively, it was more powerful than needing to know or caring to know how deep is their love and the needing to know the nitty gritty of substandard poetry and ego exhalations required to maintain the veneer of an affair.

 

What was surprising, was the shock of a cheater who's ego was insulted to be dumped and given the green light to be with their "soulmate" and odds are the cheater really doesn't want the soulmate for real and cannot handle the reality of it.

 

Details, really...cheating is so cliche...and that's all the detail one needs to know.

Edited by Furious
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Not a BS and not a WS, but I'd expect 0%. The divorce papers I'd get for us would be 100% real though.

 

and odds are the cheater really doesn't want the soulmate for real and cannot handle the reality of it.

 

In a different forum they asked men what they really thought of their OW. Almost all of them (except the men who had just started their affair and believed themselves to be in love) said that she's good for sex but that they'd never want her in their lives in any other aspect. Some even wrote "whore" and "b!tch" in their response, idiots. :rolleyes:

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I doubt my WH told me everything. Only the most important thing I needed to know. He screwed around. There was screwing,dirty talk, phone calls,texting, sexting....everything you need to get hot and bothered and want to go out and get it on.

 

Would the details made a difference. No.

 

Sex is sex, and it wasn't with me. That is all I needed to know.

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From someone who got her confession and then subsequently discovering the chat log, maybe about 1%. I suspect the number of Rs would be significantly lower if BSs ever get the whole truth.

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gettingstronger

For me it wasn't so much the details of the sex that bothered me, I am sure I have not received all of those and I am fine with that. What bothers me the most was reading the emails where she asked so many questions about our life together and he answered-details on our kids and what they were up to, what colleges my older son was applying to, pictures of our ski house, etc..

 

The main question that still remains a mystery is why/how do you allow someone else to know so much about our lives-she now uses that against us by continuing to intrude on our lives-

 

My husband still does not have a good answer on the how/why he gave so much info on us-he feels badly about it but can not pin point when he allowed that line to be crossed-

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WS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table).

 

 

that is a intensely personal question, each person needs to decide. its similar to asking what love is.

 

 

because OP stated R is the route: it would appear the why is more important than the what. I often wonder reading some of these threads is the BS getting an odd thrill with the extreme details or punishing the WS or even themselves. I believe getting to much detail results in the 'why' getting lost (forest v trees). knowing the why can help move the R forward and stop it from happening again.

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My WH confessed. The only thing he thought I deserved to know was it was over. It was like a huge burden lifted for him and because I was young and dumb with babies I didn't want to push him away so I left it and wallowed for days in horrible pain hiding it.

 

My H is truthful to a fault. He is open and tells it like it is type of person. So although he had 3 indiscretions at the beginning of our marriage (16-18 years ago) he told me soon after (no relationship development just getting his rocks off).

 

For this amount of time I wanted to know more then "I f*ck ed her, it didn’t mean anything I'm going to sleep now"

 

Obviously with this much time passing I should leave sleeping dogs lay. I just want to know what would be an appropriate amount of info requested by a BS? Is it unreasonable to ask details such as "where did the A happen"? "Who initiated the A"? How much time did it take to get from point a) to point b)? Ect. What questions are too personal/intimate that shouldn't be asked?

 

My H had an A with a friend and her friend. Honestly, I have no idea if it were a three some or it happened on different days (these friends were roommates, my friend's roommate/friend had always rubbed me the wrong way. She was very sexually open and flirtatious that she would f*ck anything that would cross her path.

 

My friend was not like this AT ALL. She was very passive, shy, sweet and giving. The last person you could see betraying a friend.

 

The day after Dday I phoned my friend planning on being calm and collected, however when she answered in her usual passive way I flipped out. She was very appoligetic which confirmed things so I just hung up, got no details and never called her back.

 

Her roommate friend requested me on FB (very curiously) I added her. She commented on a few photos and before I knew it she blocked me. I never messaged her, commented on her page, I didn't "like" anything of hers so I assume she was just curious how our lives turned out and once satisfied she blocked me. Perhaps she was looking for a way to communicate with my H and since he doesn't have FB she Didn't want me as a FB friend. Either way... I'm good.

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WS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table).

 

As much as I ask for. However in the early stages of D-Day, the BS may ask questions they thought they wanted an answer to, but after getting the answer, knew they should have skipped that one. Sometimes too much information is just too much information.

 

Do/did you expect every detail and if so (since they lied in the first place) do you feel you are not given the whole truth?

 

Trickle truth is pretty standard game for thew WS, so as long as you understand you will not get the whole truth, it's par for the course. Eventually you realize you'll never "understand" why they did what they did, so more questions really accomplish nothing.

 

If your WS doesn't want to discuss details or they just want to give the *coles version* how does communication go if you need/expect to know more? How much does your need to know impact the reconciliation?

 

Not getting as much information as you need being the BS kills reconciliation. If you are getting trickle truth, you'll continue to be gas lighted and think you are crazy because what they tell you still doesn't add up to what your gut is saying. But there is a line that eventually gets crossed that more information does nothing to help reconciliation anymore. At that point the BS just needs to accept that they'll never understand why their WS did what they did.

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WS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table).

I know a lot. Probably too much. I wanted to know because if I didn't, my imagination would run wild and it would eat at me. All those details tend to haunt me now.

 

If your WS doesn't want to discuss details or they just want to give the *coles version* how does communication go if you need/expect to know more? How much does your need to know impact the reconciliation?

If I'm thinking rationally, why would my WW WANT to discuss it with me? Seriously, I can't imagine how she felt telling or owning up to some of the stuff she had to own up to. I will say that reconciliation was made possible because of it, though.

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** Posted by Right There .....Trickle truth is pretty standard game for the WS, so as long as you understand you will not get the whole truth, it's par for the course. Eventually you realize you'll never "understand" why they did what they did, so more questions really accomplish nothing..

 

******************************************************************

 

I think that is the Horror in all of this for all BHs and Bws..WE will Never get the truth on why it started ...Details of sex...feelings they Truly had with OM/OW in the affair and Just The WHY did you do this to us....

 

WE WILL NEVER KNOW...as most waywards minimize and trickle truth...Why would'nt they..they have lied,decieved and betrayed us ...Why be truthful now..

 

That is why is have said i have seen a FEW successful attempts of R......BUT NOT MANY.

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TrustedthenBusted

I think we get more of the truth from our WS's than we think. You just have to have the encryption key.

 

iIf you ask them a question, simply use the following encryption key to get answers.

 

" I don't remember " = yes.

 

" I think maybe..." = yes.

 

" it was average " = it was really good

 

" only once " = every time.

 

" we used condoms" = we didn't use condoms

 

" but I love you" = I don't even know or care if this other guy is HIV positive.

 

 

Then, if you get numbers, you just have to run them through the infidelity multiplier. Example:

 

4 = 12-15

 

1 = 4-5

 

month = three months.

 

three months = year.

 

The same basic match applies to most cup sizes, penis lengths and bank accounts.

 

Lastly, there are a few suffixes that need to be added to several common answers.

 

example:

 

I'm so sorry ( I got caught )

 

I never meant to hurt you ( by getting caught )

 

I wish I could take it all away ( from YOUR memory, but it's alive and well in mine )

 

I will never do that to you again ( by getting caught )

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I think we get more of the truth from our WS's than we think. You just have to have the encryption key.

 

iIf you ask them a question, simply use the following encryption key to get answers.

 

" I don't remember " = yes.

 

" I think maybe..." = yes.

 

" it was average " = it was really good

 

" only once " = every time.

 

" we used condoms" = we didn't use condoms

 

" but I love you" = I don't even know or care if this other guy is HIV positive.

 

 

Then, if you get numbers, you just have to run them through the infidelity multiplier. Example:

 

4 = 12-15

 

1 = 4-5

 

month = three months.

 

three months = year.

 

The same basic match applies to most cup sizes, penis lengths and bank accounts.

 

Lastly, there are a few suffixes that need to be added to several common answers.

 

example:

 

I'm so sorry ( I got caught )

 

I never meant to hurt you ( by getting caught )

 

I wish I could take it all away ( from YOUR memory, but it's alive and well in mine )

 

I will never do that to you again ( by getting caught )

 

For the first few months after D-Day, this was exactly spot on. Sad to say how much of these were EXACTLY spoken to me.

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I think we get more of the truth from our WS's than we think. You just have to have the encryption key.

 

iIf you ask them a question, simply use the following encryption key to get answers.

 

" I don't remember " = yes.

 

" I think maybe..." = yes.

 

" it was average " = it was really good

 

" only once " = every time.

 

" we used condoms" = we didn't use condoms

 

" but I love you" = I don't even know or care if this other guy is HIV positive.

 

 

Then, if you get numbers, you just have to run them through the infidelity multiplier. Example:

 

4 = 12-15

 

1 = 4-5

 

month = three months.

 

three months = year.

 

The same basic match applies to most cup sizes, penis lengths and bank accounts.

 

Lastly, there are a few suffixes that need to be added to several common answers.

 

example:

 

I'm so sorry ( I got caught )

 

I never meant to hurt you ( by getting caught )

 

I wish I could take it all away ( from YOUR memory, but it's alive and well in mine )

 

I will never do that to you again ( by getting caught )

Awesome post!! The best one I've read in months...

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i think we get more of the truth from our ws's than we think. You just have to have the encryption key.

 

Iif you ask them a question, simply use the following encryption key to get answers.

 

" i don't remember " = yes.

 

" i think maybe..." = yes.

 

" it was average " = it was really good

 

" only once " = every time.

 

" we used condoms" = we didn't use condoms

 

" but i love you" = i don't even know or care if this other guy is hiv positive.

 

 

Then, if you get numbers, you just have to run them through the infidelity multiplier. Example:

 

4 = 12-15

 

1 = 4-5

 

month = three months.

 

Three months = year.

 

The same basic match applies to most cup sizes, penis lengths and bank accounts.

 

Lastly, there are a few suffixes that need to be added to several common answers.

 

Example:

 

I'm so sorry ( i got caught )

 

i never meant to hurt you ( by getting caught )

 

i wish i could take it all away ( from your memory, but it's alive and well in mine )

 

i will never do that to you again ( by getting caught )

 

 

 

r o t f a l m a o .

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"It's all a blur to me"... (now that you are asking)

 

"I always felt guilty" (driving home afterwards)

 

"I never thought I would cheat" (then I did, so I did it some more)

 

"We never talked about you or the marriage" (just about how unhappy I was)

 

 

 

I think we get more of the truth from our WS's than we think. You just have to have the encryption key.

 

iIf you ask them a question, simply use the following encryption key to get answers.

 

" I don't remember " = yes.

 

" I think maybe..." = yes.

 

" it was average " = it was really good

 

" only once " = every time.

 

" we used condoms" = we didn't use condoms

 

" but I love you" = I don't even know or care if this other guy is HIV positive.

 

 

Then, if you get numbers, you just have to run them through the infidelity multiplier. Example:

 

4 = 12-15

 

1 = 4-5

 

month = three months.

 

three months = year.

 

The same basic match applies to most cup sizes, penis lengths and bank accounts.

 

Lastly, there are a few suffixes that need to be added to several common answers.

 

example:

 

I'm so sorry ( I got caught )

 

I never meant to hurt you ( by getting caught )

 

I wish I could take it all away ( from YOUR memory, but it's alive and well in mine )

 

I will never do that to you again ( by getting caught )

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I think we get more of the truth from our WS's than we think. You just have to have the encryption key.

 

iIf you ask them a question, simply use the following encryption key to get answers.

 

" I don't remember " = yes.

 

" I think maybe..." = yes.

 

" it was average " = it was really good

 

" only once " = every time.

 

" we used condoms" = we didn't use condoms

 

" but I love you" = I don't even know or care if this other guy is HIV positive.

 

 

Then, if you get numbers, you just have to run them through the infidelity multiplier. Example:

 

4 = 12-15

 

1 = 4-5

 

month = three months.

 

three months = year.

 

The same basic match applies to most cup sizes, penis lengths and bank accounts.

 

Lastly, there are a few suffixes that need to be added to several common answers.

 

example:

 

I'm so sorry ( I got caught )

 

I never meant to hurt you ( by getting caught )

 

I wish I could take it all away ( from YOUR memory, but it's alive and well in mine )

 

I will never do that to you again ( by getting caught )

 

Brilliant post... it should be pinned!

 

I am curious many of these answers are knee jerk responses to avoid more questions. Why are WS so eager to stay in the marriage after being caught? Why not consider yourself free?

 

Why all of a sudden grow a self conscience and *care* to be in the marriage and/or work on committing to it? Could it ever be genuine again?

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Some do, some don't. Some think they do, some know they do. Being discovered has the effect of bringing out massive lies in the face of every other lie ever told.

 

There is a stigma about getting caught. (Denial) There is fear of what others - close friends, family etc. - will think about the wayward (damage to their public image/narcissistic sources reduced to almost zero).

 

and then there is the hard, really hard reason: They didn't think about it either and the two of you are on the same page in this regard. Now they are having to ask themselves for the first time WHY, and WHAT DOES THIS MEAN in terms of the marriage.

 

And if they haven't asked themselves these two questions during the entire course of the affair, they really do not know and will blurt out any answer they consider will suffice (I wasn't happy (why not?) You didn't meet my needs (what needs specifically), I didn't intend to (But then you did, obviously)... there are no quick answers to questions of this magnitude if the WS hasn't him/herself asked them, a BS asking them is going to get short shrift response.

 

Of course all of these insights come months later down the road when the dust starts to settle and the BS begins to see the pieces of the puzzle come not all from the same box.

 

Just yesterday, 18+ months past d-day my WS has an "epiphany": "I didn't treat you right during the recovery. I should have come clean sooner, I should have answered your questions with more honesty ..." Ya think!

I am curious many of these answers are knee jerk responses to avoid more questions. Why are WS so eager to stay in the marriage after being caught? Why not consider yourself free?

 

Why all of a sudden grow a self conscience and *care* to be in the marriage and/or work on committing to it? Could it ever be genuine again?

Edited by fellini
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Why are WS so eager to stay in the marriage after being caught?

 

Because most WS are only after some side action. They had no intention of leaving their BS, family, marriage.

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Some do, some don't. Some think they do, some know they do. Being discovered has the effect of bringing out massive lies in the face of every other lie ever told.

 

There is a stigma about getting caught. (Denial) There is fear of what others - close friends, family etc. - will think about the wayward (damage to their public image/narcissistic sources reduced to almost zero).

 

and then there is the hard, really hard reason: They didn't think about it either and the two of you are on the same page in this regard. Now they are having to ask themselves for the first time WHY, and WHAT DOES THIS MEAN in terms of the marriage.

 

And if they haven't asked themselves these two questions during the entire course of the affair, they really do not know and will blurt out any answer they consider will suffice (I wasn't happy (why not?) You didn't meet my needs (what needs specifically), I didn't intend to (But then you did, obviously)... there are no quick answers to questions of this magnitude if the WS hasn't him/herself asked them, a BS asking them is going to get short shrift response.

 

Of course all of these insights come months later down the road when the dust starts to settle and the BS begins to see the pieces of the puzzle come not all from the same box.

 

Just yesterday, 18+ months past d-day my WS has an "epiphany": "I didn't treat you right during the recovery. I should have come clean sooner, I should have answered your questions with more honesty ..." Ya think!

 

Great thoughts, however do you think (I know it's only been 18 months) the marriage on the WS part ever be genuine again?

 

Could the marriage ever get to the point where it is *stronger than ever*?

 

Could it be compared at all to an addict/alcoholic regardless of recovery they will forever more be an addict/alcoholic in this case a "cheater" that there is *always* a chance they could "fall off the wagon" no matter how many AA meetings/counciling sessions they attend.

 

I suppose with all the answers given because they were caught vs being genuine with their truth about the A that basically explains their intentions to ever be genuine therefore always anticipating it could happen again.

 

I only with... 16-18 years later I could ask the questions that have haunted me for years. The dust has most certainly settled, years have passed the OW'n are long gone nothing to lose by giving me the real answers but then I'm the b*tch for not letting it go and not leaving sleeping dogs lay.

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TrustedthenBusted
Why are WS so eager to stay in the marriage after being caught?

 

 

Because in most cases, they don't want one OR the other. They want both. The whole have your cake and eat someone else's cake too, or whatever.

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Because in most cases, they don't want one OR the other. They want both. The whole have your cake and eat someone else's cake too, or whatever.

 

 

*******************************************************************

 

"I had an affair with a man who takes yoga at the same time that I do. I never had any intention of leaving my husband and my family.

 

I made the huge mistake of cheating on my spouse last year. My husband found out about it from the other man. My husband immediately confronted me and I admitted to everything. I don't want to jeopardize my family

 

I regret cheating on my husband more than any mistake that I have ever made in my entire life. I love my husband. I don't want for him to leave me. I want him in my life. I was an idiot to jeopardize my marriage with this man. I had an affair that started at my job. And I know that the other man isn't a high quality person. He's not an upstanding guy the way that my husband is. The only thing that I had with the other man was great sex.

 

 

I heard from a wife who said: "I feel like such a cheap, low life for cheating on my husband. I am so embarrassed by this. My husband lost his job last year and I had to go back to work. I decided to work at a restaurant so that I could have very flexible hours. I ended up having an affair with my boss, who manages the restaurant. Honestly, the other man isn't anyone that I would have associated with before, much less have been attracted to. This is so out of character for me

 

 

THIS IS SOME OF THE BULLSH@T EXCUSES FROM WWs WHO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT OR CONFESSED....Yes they want it ALL!

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I regret cheating on my husband more than any mistake that I have ever made in my entire life. I love my husband. I don't want for him to leave me. I want him in my life. I was an idiot to jeopardize my marriage with this man. I had an affair that started at my job. And I know that the other man isn't a high quality person. He's not an upstanding guy the way that my husband is. The only thing that I had with the other man was great sex.

 

 

 

this line of thinking is pretty easy to validate! during the R, did your sex life SKYROCKET with all sorts of kinky sex all the time, lasting from DDay to now? Or was there a brief attempt then fizzle to nothing. If the former, it WAS all about sex. If the latter, she was either lying to you or deluding herself.

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I think the reluctance of a WW to provide the whole truth is pretty universal whether the cheating was caught or confessed. I think that many have a genuine desire to spare their BH more pain, many are too embarrassed to reveal the depth of the debauchery that she enjoyed with OM, still others are in a panic to just get past all this and withhold from BH as part of the "that was in the past" defense.

 

Of course now lots of our LS WW's will jump in and tell me that they revealed everything to their BH. Fine, good for you, that's great for your BH. But please read that I am saying that many WW's engage in this behavior. No all, just many.

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