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Mother In Law: Through The Looking Glass


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So on D-Day, I told my wife we were done, and she broke down and called her mom and told her what happened. To this day, her mother is the only person who knows about it. Nobody in my family, no friends.

 

Anyway, on that Day, her mother sent us an email that really only said two things that I remembered. There was something blah blah blah "I hope you (me) are taking responsibility for your part in this happening" and then something something blah blah blah " I support my daughter unconditionally."

 

Right then and there, my "mother in law" ( who from that day I started referring to only as my wife's mother ) went through the looking glass for me, and has yet to return.

 

The kicker? My wife's mother is a fairly renowned Therapist/Analyst. She literally wrote the book ( a best seller anyway ) on relationships. But when it hit home, she circled the wagons around her precious little child, and made it very clear that the lines were drawn, and no matter what, I was on the other side of it.

 

Ok...that's fine. I never liked her much anyway. So not much of a loss.

 

But what happened next sealed her fate with me.

 

As many of you did, I lost a ton of weight after DDay. Like 35 pounds in three weeks. All of my friends said I looked great, and I did run out and buy some nice new clothes etc.

 

But when my wife's mother came to visit, all she could say was " Wow, you really lost some weight. It looks good on you."

 

This coming from a woman who knows more about situational depression than most mortals....and this is what she says to me. You B'lee dat?

 

It's like 5 years later now, and she still comes to visit occasionally. I'm always civil, and sometimes even friendly. But I do it to keep the peace.

 

I think I'd forgive my wife 100% someday... but never her mother. not sure why that is. I guess because I don't have to?

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I think I'd forgive my wife 100% someday... but never her mother. not sure why that is. I guess because I don't have to?

 

I think you do need to make amends with her, if possible. Her response to you was wrong and hurtful.

 

What does your wife think of her mom's response and position?

 

Everyone in my wife's family and my family knows about my infidelity. Something my wife and I both agreed on is that if someone isn't supportive of our recovery, there is no room for them in our lives. Both my in laws have been wonderful and forgiving towards me. I know I'm blessed.

 

My MIL said to me just a few weeks ago (it's been a year since I returned home) she said out of the blue, I want you to know people missed you when you were gone and we are all very happy you and (my wife) are working it out. She wanted me to know the family forgives me.

 

I didn't know how to address my affair with her. I wasn't avoiding it, but didn't know how to say...hey, I'm sorry. Turns out I didn't need to, but did anyway.

 

If you can sit with her and your wife and clear the air, I think everyone's relationship will benefit. Hopefully, your wife supports this.

 

Good luck.

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This seems to be the common theme with the in-laws. My D-Day I made sure everybody knew what my wife did. I was so pissed off. I told her parents, my family, neighbors etc. I really didn't care cause I didn't think I was staying. Her parents told me to keep things hush and it was private. I got that line as well that it must have been "something I had done" to make her have an affair. I too had a good relationship with my in laws. My burning disgust for her family is un-repairable. I don't think that relationship will ever be salvageable. So did you stay in your marriage for the kids?

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So did you stay in your marriage for the kids?

 

I've asked myself this question 1000 times.

 

The short answer is yes. But the REAL answer is that I stayed for my "family" and not just the kids. I wanted us all to stay together. At least for now.

 

And yeah, I'd say that my wife's mother really scorched the earth with me. And until very recently, it wasn't a huge deal, because she lived far away. But now she is retiring, and planning to move to our town.

 

My wife hasn't asked me how I feel about it, but pretty much everyone else has in one subtle way or another asked me what my thoughts are about it all.

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If my wife were to cheat on me, I would probably disclose it to her parents and siblings so they would know why we were splitting and the kids would be spending half the time at my house. I would do it so they would know deep down that it wasn't me that broke the vows.

 

But I would assume and expect them to stand beside her and be supportive of her. I would not expect them or even ask them to hold judgement against her nor would I ever expect them to take my side or support me against her in any fashion.

 

All I would ask of them is common curtesy and manners if our paths were to cross for any reason.

 

Whether we like this fact or not, spouses and friends and lovers come and go throughout our lives. Your parent is always your parent and your child is always your child.

 

A parent may not always condone or support a child's actions but they will almost always support the child, even in the face of a child's bad behavior. She may not have approved of her daughters actions but she'll always have her baby girls back. To expect anything different is unrealistic.

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If my wife were to cheat on me, I would probably disclose it to her parents and siblings so they would know why we were splitting and the kids would be spending half the time at my house. I would do it so they would know deep down that it wasn't me that broke the vows.

 

But I would assume and expect them to stand beside her and be supportive of her. I would not expect them or even ask them to hold judgement against her nor would I ever expect them to take my side or support me against her in any fashion.

 

All I would ask of them is common curtesy and manners if our paths were to cross for any reason.

 

Whether we like this fact or not, spouses and friends and lovers come and go throughout our lives. Your parent is always your parent and your child is always your child.

 

A parent may not always condone or support a child's actions but they will almost always support the child, even in the face of a child's bad behavior. She may not have approved of her daughters actions but she'll always have her baby girls back. To expect anything different is unrealistic.

 

Support is one thing. I get that. Wife needs an ear, a ahoulder, advice, a place to stay... you can always go home. Same for my kids if they needed it.

 

But this was more than that. This was her absolving her daughter of responsibility, and making it very clear to me that she was interested in protecting her daughter's feelings, and not even discussing support of any reconciliation. LIke I said, she circled the wagons, and was instantly ready to choose sides.

 

In my family, when you screw up, your parents and siblings are the first to tell you so. They'll support you, but won't let you believe for one minute that you're not accountable for your stupidity.

 

Her family is different. When you screw up, the run to therapy and keep talking and talking and talking until they can find someone to blame it all on.

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tobrieornottobrie

Do you think by not forgiving her, you are affecting her or yourself? I'm also interested to know, as a previous poster asked, what your wife thinks about this? Best of luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

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So on D-Day, I told my wife we were done, and she broke down and called her mom and told her what happened. To this day, her mother is the only person who knows about it. Nobody in my family, no friends.

 

Anyway, on that Day, her mother sent us an email that really only said two things that I remembered. There was something blah blah blah "I hope you (me) are taking responsibility for your part in this happening" and then something something blah blah blah " I support my daughter unconditionally."

 

Right then and there, my "mother in law" ( who from that day I started referring to only as my wife's mother ) went through the looking glass for me, and has yet to return.

 

The kicker? My wife's mother is a fairly renowned Therapist/Analyst. She literally wrote the book ( a best seller anyway ) on relationships. But when it hit home, she circled the wagons around her precious little child, and made it very clear that the lines were drawn, and no matter what, I was on the other side of it.

 

Ok...that's fine. I never liked her much anyway. So not much of a loss.

 

But what happened next sealed her fate with me.

 

As many of you did, I lost a ton of weight after DDay. Like 35 pounds in three weeks. All of my friends said I looked great, and I did run out and buy some nice new clothes etc.

 

But when my wife's mother came to visit, all she could say was " Wow, you really lost some weight. It looks good on you."

 

This coming from a woman who knows more about situational depression than most mortals....and this is what she says to me. You B'lee dat?

 

It's like 5 years later now, and she still comes to visit occasionally. I'm always civil, and sometimes even friendly. But I do it to keep the peace.

 

I think I'd forgive my wife 100% someday... but never her mother. not sure why that is. I guess because I don't have to?

 

My mother in law largely contributed to why I ended up divorced.

I'll never forgive her.

Ever.

I forgave him for how things ended, but I still don't think it was right the way things went down between his mother and "us".

Essentially, in a nutshell - he was married to his mother and I was just in the side car.

So yea. I can relate.

You don't have to forgive.

 

It might be better if you do. But it's okay not to forgive her.

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I can understand supporting your kid, but I can't understand the sending of the email saying "I hope you take some responsibility for my child cheating on you".

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I can understand supporting your kid, but I can't understand the sending of the email saying "I hope you take some responsibility for my child cheating on you".

 

Really, you "can't understand"? It isn't that hard to understand. Doesn't mean you have to agree with it but looking at the marriage for why an affair happened is a very common practice. Taking your child's side is also a very common practice, or at least not wanting all the guilt to lay at your child's feet is.

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I can understand supporting your kid, but I can't understand the sending of the email saying "I hope you take some responsibility for my child cheating on you".

 

You are paraphrasing what was said, and putting your own twist on it makes it have totally different meanings.

 

"I hope you take some responsibility for my child cheating on you" means something totally different from "I hope you take some responsibility for the situation you are in."

 

Her cheating was her decision and her choice. Having a marriage that was falling apart takes two people who should share in the responsibility.

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So on D-Day, I told my wife we were done, and she broke down and called her mom and told her what happened. To this day, her mother is the only person who knows about it. Nobody in my family, no friends.

 

Anyway, on that Day, her mother sent us an email that really only said two things that I remembered. There was something blah blah blah "I hope you (me) are taking responsibility for your part in this happening" and then something something blah blah blah " I support my daughter unconditionally."

 

Right then and there, my "mother in law" ( who from that day I started referring to only as my wife's mother ) went through the looking glass for me, and has yet to return.

 

The kicker? My wife's mother is a fairly renowned Therapist/Analyst. She literally wrote the book ( a best seller anyway ) on relationships. But when it hit home, she circled the wagons around her precious little child, and made it very clear that the lines were drawn, and no matter what, I was on the other side of it.

 

Ok...that's fine. I never liked her much anyway. So not much of a loss.

 

But what happened next sealed her fate with me.

 

As many of you did, I lost a ton of weight after DDay. Like 35 pounds in three weeks. All of my friends said I looked great, and I did run out and buy some nice new clothes etc.

 

But when my wife's mother came to visit, all she could say was " Wow, you really lost some weight. It looks good on you."

 

This coming from a woman who knows more about situational depression than most mortals....and this is what she says to me. You B'lee dat?

 

It's like 5 years later now, and she still comes to visit occasionally. I'm always civil, and sometimes even friendly. But I do it to keep the peace.

 

I think I'd forgive my wife 100% someday... but never her mother. not sure why that is. I guess because I don't have to?

 

I'm kind of confused as to what you are angry about with your MIL. Is it because she drew the line to support her daughter, or because she commented that you looked good after dropping the weight (albeit due to stress)?

 

You've posted lots about your situation and I really appreciate where you were and how far you've been able to come (much better and further than I have.)

 

But are you holding a grudge against your MIL just so you can have someone to really detest and be angry at (because you can't feel that level of detest and hate for your wife?) Just from the outside it seems odd that you've decided that grudge based on your MIL's actions are what you'll die on the hill with.

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You are paraphrasing what was said, and putting your own twist on it makes it have totally different meanings.

 

"I hope you take some responsibility for my child cheating on you" means something totally different from "I hope you take some responsibility for the situation you are in."

 

Her cheating was her decision and her choice. Having a marriage that was falling apart takes two people who should share in the responsibility.

 

She said "I hope you are taking responsibility for your part in this happening". That is blame shifting, plain and simple. He might be partially responsible for the state of the marriage, but this sounds like the MIL was putting some of the blame for her daughters affair on HIM, to which nope, that ain't gonna work. It's not his fault.

 

Basically the mother should of kept her mouth shut then. If she was going to speak to this guy the first thing she decided to say should not of been "I hope you take responsibility for your part in this!". He's not responsible for his cheating, that is 100% on her. This man did not force her to cheat, this man did not force her to take the cowards way out, it was all on him. You can acknowledge your child did wrong while still defending them, but this seemed more like blame shifting, is all.

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Ok...that's fine. I never liked her much anyway. So not much of a loss.

 

 

OP, look at the title of this thread. She did mean something to you. The fact that she turned on you probably meant more than you are willing to admit.

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I'm kind of confused as to what you are angry about with your MIL. Is it because she drew the line to support her daughter, or because she commented that you looked good after dropping the weight (albeit due to stress.

 

I don't know that I'm angry anymore. But now that she's moving close by I do have feelings about it.

 

When she drew the line, I wasn't shocked really. But I guess the reality of it hit me. This was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me and right in the middle of it the woman who stood on the altar with us proved that those vows didn't mean anything more to her than they did to her daughter. It was just a scary feeling of " who the hell are these people?,."

 

THe weight comment was another one. At that time I needed someone to ask me if I was ok. I hadn't eaten for weeks and was practically emaciated. She was the only person who knew why and how the weight came off so fast, but I got nothing. This from someone who deals with this stuff day in and day out for a living.

 

So I'm not angry. But I do admit that it was difficult to accept that someone in your support system doesn't actually care about you. She showed me exactly where I stand with her that day. Just like my wife did. So I was basically 0 for 2 with them.

 

To the other questions:

 

Do I think I'm doing g myself any favors by not forgiving her? I dunno. It's sort of like all the divorce advice you see on here. I'm not doing that with my wife but I am pretty much doing it with her mother. It's much different between us now. More like casual acquaintances. I've divorced myself from any emotional investment in her. In that way I think I'm better off.

 

What does my wife think about her mom moving here? Not sure. She hasn't asked me because she knows how I feel. It will just happen no matter what so I guess we will just wait and see. My brother in law lives here with kids too so mom is coming no matter what.

 

I do know that my wife instantly regretted telling her mom on DDay. But you can't put that toothpaste back in the tube now.

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She said "I hope you are taking responsibility for your part in this happening". That is blame shifting, plain and simple. He might be partially responsible for the state of the marriage, but this sounds like the MIL was putting some of the blame for her daughters affair on HIM, to which nope, that ain't gonna work. It's not his fault.

 

Basically the mother should of kept her mouth shut then. If she was going to speak to this guy the first thing she decided to say should not of been "I hope you take responsibility for your part in this!". He's not responsible for his cheating, that is 100% on her. This man did not force her to cheat, this man did not force her to take the cowards way out, it was all on him. You can acknowledge your child did wrong while still defending them, but this seemed more like blame shifting, is all.

 

Yah. Her first affair was 90 days after our wedding when things were great. There was no reason for it other than her need for even MORE attention. I took responsibility for things being rough 8 years later with two kids and a mortgage. But her first affair took place during what seHe admits we're the easiest and happiest years of our life together.

 

I forgot. Her mother also said " I don't judge her".

 

That's insane. I love my kids but I judge them all the time. How the hell else do you teach them right from wrong? Oh wait... I just answered my own question.

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Yah. Her first affair was 90 days after our wedding when things were great. There was no reason for it other than her need for even MORE attention. I took responsibility for things being rough 8 years later with two kids and a mortgage. But her first affair took place during what seHe admits we're the easiest and happiest years of our life together.

 

I forgot. Her mother also said " I don't judge her".

 

That's insane. I love my kids but I judge them all the time. How the hell else do you teach them right from wrong? Oh wait... I just answered my own question.

 

I have read of a few cases on the board where the parents of the WS read the riot act to the WS or insisted they not leave the marriage. So it does happen. In my case my WW's parents haven't defended her, but I don't know they said that much to her either.

 

On my side of it, I think probably embarrassing my mother, and my respect for her, would make it less likely for me to cheat. I think my mother would have concern for any woman I might cheat on.

 

It's possible that people who don't have the same sort of relationship with their parents are more likely to cheat/leave in the first place.

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How strongly together are you and your wife today? Are you able to talk to her about issues stemming from her affair?

 

I ask because if you can do it, I think the best thing to do is to discuss your MIL situation with your wife. I know she knows your feeling about her mother, but does she have any understanding of what her mother's language to you meant to you?

 

That's the crucial thing here. Perhaps there is a way that your wife can give you some understanding of what went down. If it turns out, as I suspect, that your MIL just doesn't like you, then that can be that and you can stop worrying about it.

 

I say all this because I think the last thing your marriage needs at this point is the stress of dealing with your MIL on a weekly or even daily basis. Clearing the air NOW would seem to be a good strategy.

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I don't know that I'm angry anymore. But now that she's moving close by I do have feelings about it.

 

When she drew the line, I wasn't shocked really. But I guess the reality of it hit me. This was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me and right in the middle of it the woman who stood on the altar with us proved that those vows didn't mean anything more to her than they did to her daughter. It was just a scary feeling of " who the hell are these people?,."

 

THe weight comment was another one. At that time I needed someone to ask me if I was ok. I hadn't eaten for weeks and was practically emaciated. She was the only person who knew why and how the weight came off so fast, but I got nothing. This from someone who deals with this stuff day in and day out for a living.

 

So I'm not angry. But I do admit that it was difficult to accept that someone in your support system doesn't actually care about you. She showed me exactly where I stand with her that day. Just like my wife did. So I was basically 0 for 2 with them.

 

To the other questions:

 

Do I think I'm doing g myself any favors by not forgiving her? I dunno. It's sort of like all the divorce advice you see on here. I'm not doing that with my wife but I am pretty much doing it with her mother. It's much different between us now. More like casual acquaintances. I've divorced myself from any emotional investment in her. In that way I think I'm better off.

 

What does my wife think about her mom moving here? Not sure. She hasn't asked me because she knows how I feel. It will just happen no matter what so I guess we will just wait and see. My brother in law lives here with kids too so mom is coming no matter what.

 

I do know that my wife instantly regretted telling her mom on DDay. But you can't put that toothpaste back in the tube now.

 

 

I'm still not fully understanding your outrage at the "you lost weight, it looks good" comment from your mother in law. Above you say you were almost emaciated making it sound as if you were sickly looking but in your first post you said you bought new clothes and all your friends said you looked great, which leads me to believe that you looked good. Your mother in law noticed this as your friends did and commented on it. Given the circumstances it was somewhat a thoughtless thing to say but I don't think she said it with ill intent, I think she meant to compliment you and maybe she thought you could use a compliment at that time. That just doesn't sound so unforgivable to me.

 

 

Now the first thing she said about how she was hoping you were taking responsibility for your part for this happening (I'm guessing she meant the infidelity) sounds really wrong and I can see how it would make you feel angry. But did you ever wonder what made her say that? Why would that be the one of the first things she would say? It sounds to me like your wife had been running to her and complaining about you. It sounds to me like when your wife was having the affair or even before she was having the affair, she was badmouthing you to her mother and that would explain why her mother was so quick to put blame on you. If your wife was making you out to be some kind of an assh*le husband then your wife was at least partially to blame for her mother's comments and it's up to her to set her mother straight.

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I've asked myself this question 1000 times.

 

The short answer is yes. But the REAL answer is that I stayed for my "family" and not just the kids. I wanted us all to stay together. At least for now.

 

And yeah, I'd say that my wife's mother really scorched the earth with me. And until very recently, it wasn't a huge deal, because she lived far away. But now she is retiring, and planning to move to our town.

 

My wife hasn't asked me how I feel about it, but pretty much everyone else has in one subtle way or another asked me what my thoughts are about it all.

 

As long as you and your wife are putting each other first and working together, bonding as husband and wife, your family unit will stay intact. Staying together with making no effort to reconnect and become close again is pointless and won't make your marriage any better, so both of you must work hard to make things good again.

 

And your MIL, well, she's a piece of work and sooner or later you need to talk to be honest and talk to her.

 

bolded part..It's actually bothersome that your wife hasn't discussed it with you or asked you how you feel.

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Meh, I think you might be overthinking this. You can always expect parents to take their kid's side. This is just part of nature.

 

Even serial killers have Moms who visit them in prison.

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I'm still not fully understanding your outrage at the "you lost weight, it looks good" comment from your mother in law. Above you say you were almost emaciated making it sound as if you were sickly looking but in your first post you said you bought new clothes and all your friends said you looked great, which leads me to believe that you looked good. Your mother in law noticed this as your friends did and commented on it. Given the circumstances it was somewhat a thoughtless thing to say but I don't think she said it with ill intent, I think she meant to compliment you and maybe she thought you could use a compliment at that time. That just doesn't sound so unforgivable to me.

 

I don't think there was ill-intent exactly. It was more of her almost treating it like it was some positive outcome or nice ancillary benefit. Imagine if my wife was driving drunk and crashed into me, and I had to have facial reconstruction as a result. Instead of saying " God I'm sorry you had to go through that" my mother in law would say " hey your new false teeth look better than the old ones! That's Great!" So not ill-intent, but just a further example of how she truly doesn't care about WHY I needed new teeth. if I was trying to lose weight, and she made the comment, that's one thing. ( which is the lie I told all my friends ) But I wasn't trying. I was trying to EAT FOOD without throwing it up for weeks, and she knew this. And she sees it in her patients all the time. But her patients weren't screwed over by her precious daughter, and THAT's what made the difference.

 

 

Now the first thing she said about how she was hoping you were taking responsibility for your part for this happening (I'm guessing she meant the infidelity) sounds really wrong and I can see how it would make you feel angry. But did you ever wonder what made her say that? Why would that be the one of the first things she would say? It sounds to me like your wife had been running to her and complaining about you. It sounds to me like when your wife was having the affair or even before she was having the affair, she was badmouthing you to her mother and that would explain why her mother was so quick to put blame on you. If your wife was making you out to be some kind of an assh*le husband then your wife was at least partially to blame for her mother's comments and it's up to her to set her mother straight.

 

I'm sure there was some of that going on. But the thing is, I'm not an ******* husband. And if ANY of her patients came to her and described a marriage like the one we had, she would say that patient is crazy for cheating on a good man. This all boils down to her perception of her kids. They are perfect and can do no wrong. They never learned to be accountable, because nobody ever called them out on their faults. She is the same way with my brother-in-law. He's kind of a jerk to his wife, and the whole world sees it this way.....except mom. She thinks the wife is the problem.

 

What's odd, is the whole group is VERY judgemental of other people and their choices. Even still, my wife will judge her friends choices pretty harshly at times. But she is always the first to say " don't judge" when it comes to herself. Now I see where they learned that.

 

I should have known I'd fall under the same rules as my sister in law. It just sucked to have that confirmed.

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I don't forgive people who don't ask for forgiveness or show any remorse.

 

This.

 

And on top of it, she feels no remorse because she has no idea she's done anything wrong. In her world, this was my fault.

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Meh, I think you might be overthinking this. You can always expect parents to take their kid's side. This is just part of nature.

 

Even serial killers have Moms who visit them in prison.

 

There is support and there is support. I'd visit my kid in jail if he murdered someone. But that's a world away from telling him he's innocent.

 

I'm very honest with my kids when they screw up. And I think it would be a grave disservice to them to never express disappointment and let them grow up thinking it's the rest of the world that has the problem.

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