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Hello everyone,

 

I don't really know why I'm about to write all of this, I think maybe I need some people to tell me that it really isn't normal, and that it's not okay....

 

Well here goes.

 

I'm 25 and my SO is 41, we have been together for nearly 2 years. He has a 10 year old son who I get on very well with and who has 100% accepting of our relationship.

My SO and I have a great relationship, hardly argue, get on so well, have the same interests, sex life is great, I'm madly in love, and I do believe that he loves me too.

But.. since the beginning he has been unfaithful. I know this because I had suspicions, so one day looked at his phone (and haven't stopped checking ever since). At the beginning it was his neighbor that he used to call when he's had too much drunk (before I lived with him), one of his friends telling him to call a prostitute that they could go see together. I never confronted him and thought "it's only the beginning, we've only been together for a few weeks/months, he will change". Well it turns out he has never changed.

We were once away on holiday and I wanted to check Ebay because I had bid on something, he lent me his phone and i started to type in "E..." in the search engine and the first thing that came up from his history was "Escort Girl". I immediately confronted him and he said that we hadn't been together long (5 months) and old habits die hard and he sometimes when on the internet to look at the photos", me gullible, I "believed" him. He changed his codes after that but I always manage to find them.

We spent Christmas apart that year because he went to his parents with his son and me to my mums, when he got back I checked his phone and on Christmas day he'd contacted a shemale.

Another time, he sent photos of a prostitute advert to a friend of his saying "I can't stop myself" and his friend asked if he'd gone and my SO said "I can't spend any money at the moment".

A few weeks ago he was out drunk with friends and he called up to women at 2 in the morning (one is a friend of mine), but they didn't answer.

And last night I checked his phone and saw that he'd contacted a shemale on Tuesday.

Those are the times I know of, I hate to think about all the other times when he's thought to delete his call/text/internet history.

 

I dream of getting married, and having a child. He has refused to have a second child, but says we probably will get married.

 

I'm not sure what I think of all this anymore. When I find something on his phone, it affects me less and less, almost as though I have accepted it? Like it's all part of the package.

 

Can some people live happily like this? I'm not sure what to do, or think, or say anymore.

 

Thank you to those who read or even answered.

 

B.

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I have one thing to say...Get out! You're only 25 and have life at your fingertips! What are you doing wasting it on this cheater who doesn't respect you? It sounds like he's got a hot head landing a young lady at 41. If I were you I'd run for the hills. You're never going to be happy. Find somebody who really does make you happy and can marry, trust and have a true relationship and marriage with.

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I do believe that he loves me too.

 

Love isn't a noun, it's a verb requiring action. Are the actions you describe those of someone who loves you :confused: ?

 

Those are the times I know of, I hate to think about all the other times when he's thought to delete his call/text/internet history.

 

Read an article on addiction that stated the average alcoholic drives drunk 200 times before they're caught. I'd guess the ratios for serial cheaters like your BF are roughly the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

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My SO and I have a great relationship, hardly argue, get on so well, have the same interests, sex life is great, I'm madly in love, and I do believe that he loves me too.

But.. since the beginning he has been unfaithful.

 

Clearly, you DO NOT have a great relationship. Please don't tell yourself this is a great relationship.

 

I'd be concerned about a STD, if I were you.

 

Please wake up and get yourself some counseling. You need out of the this relationship and fast.

 

If you have a good relationship with your parents, please tell them what's going on, so they can support you leaving - emotionally and financially if need be.

 

I would not want my daughter wrapped up with such scum. You deserve better than this from a relationship, but unless you demand it, you wont' get it and you won't get it with this guy.

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What in your history makes you feel so bad about yourself that you are willing to settle for this and think that this is the best you can get?

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As much as this is about him, it's really about you.

 

Why would you consider having children with a 41 year old man who sleeps with transsexual hookers behind your back? Wouldn't you love your children enough to give them the best father possible? Wouldn't you love yourself more than that?

 

The best thing to do is seek therapy pronto. This is very serious and could adversely effect you for the rest of your life.

 

*no offense to the transsexual prostitutes on this forum. It's more about the deception than gender orientation and profession of his APs.

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TrustedthenBusted

This guy parties hard. About the only honorable thing he's done is commit to not having any more children.

 

YOu can do better.

 

Or can you?

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I have one thing to say...Get out! You're only 25 and have life at your fingertips! What are you doing wasting it on this cheater who doesn't respect you? It sounds like he's got a hot head landing a young lady at 41. If I were you I'd run for the hills. You're never going to be happy. Find somebody who really does make you happy and can marry, trust and have a true relationship and marriage with.

 

I agree! You're young and life is too short to spend it with someone who you know has cheated on you from the get go! You may love him a lot but is he worth it? You deserve better.

 

Please get yourself tested for STD's.

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Hi everyone,

 

Thank you for all your answers...It feels good to talk about, I don't to to my friends or mother about is because I'm embarrassed...

 

What in my history makes me believe that I can't do any better? I'm not sure, my mum left my dad and I when I was young, and since then I have a huge fear of being left, which means I get attached to people very quickly and it's hard for me to leave. He is also the 3rd boyfriend on the trot that has cheated on me (the first one had a separate ongoing relationship with a colleague for 4 months before I found out - we'd been together 4 years. The second one was sleeping with his ex -we were only together 6 months but I'd just lost my dad and had gotten very attached to this guy). So I guess what I'm telling myself is that there isn't any better out there...

 

I had myself checked for STDs yesterday...alll negative thank god!

 

Once again, thank you for your replies, it's therapeutic talking about it all...

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I'm glad you had the presence of mind to get checked & even more happy for you that things were good.

 

 

If you want to marry & have children, he's not your guy. I don't think you can be happy married to a guy who plays around on you.

 

 

End this sooner rather than later.

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Sounds like you don't have the package he prefers. Why do you want to stay? 41 with a son is too old and too much for someone as young as yourself to deal with.

 

You need someone closer to your age that you can grow with. You are not married so you can put yourself out there and be happy with someone who appreciates you. Leave that situation. The man swings both ways!

 

Good Luck.

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Don't waste all your child bearing years on a no-hoper like this.

He will no doubt leave you at some point and you may end up childless, regretting years gone past and for what?

 

He doesn't even have the decency to cheat with a married woman or a co-worker... :rolleyes:

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Hello everyone,

 

I don't really know why I'm about to write all of this, I think maybe I need some people to tell me that it really isn't normal, and that it's not okay....

 

Well here goes.

 

I'm 25 and my SO is 41, we have been together for nearly 2 years. He has a 10 year old son who I get on very well with and who has 100% accepting of our relationship.

My SO and I have a great relationship, hardly argue, get on so well, have the same interests, sex life is great, I'm madly in love, and I do believe that he loves me too.

But.. since the beginning he has been unfaithful. I know this because I had suspicions, so one day looked at his phone (and haven't stopped checking ever since). At the beginning it was his neighbor that he used to call when he's had too much drunk (before I lived with him), one of his friends telling him to call a prostitute that they could go see together. I never confronted him and thought "it's only the beginning, we've only been together for a few weeks/months, he will change". Well it turns out he has never changed.

We were once away on holiday and I wanted to check Ebay because I had bid on something, he lent me his phone and i started to type in "E..." in the search engine and the first thing that came up from his history was "Escort Girl". I immediately confronted him and he said that we hadn't been together long (5 months) and old habits die hard and he sometimes when on the internet to look at the photos", me gullible, I "believed" him. He changed his codes after that but I always manage to find them.

We spent Christmas apart that year because he went to his parents with his son and me to my mums, when he got back I checked his phone and on Christmas day he'd contacted a shemale.

Another time, he sent photos of a prostitute advert to a friend of his saying "I can't stop myself" and his friend asked if he'd gone and my SO said "I can't spend any money at the moment".

A few weeks ago he was out drunk with friends and he called up to women at 2 in the morning (one is a friend of mine), but they didn't answer.

And last night I checked his phone and saw that he'd contacted a shemale on Tuesday.

Those are the times I know of, I hate to think about all the other times when he's thought to delete his call/text/internet history.

 

I dream of getting married, and having a child. He has refused to have a second child, but says we probably will get married.

 

I'm not sure what I think of all this anymore. When I find something on his phone, it affects me less and less, almost as though I have accepted it? Like it's all part of the package.

 

Can some people live happily like this? I'm not sure what to do, or think, or say anymore.

 

Thank you to those who read or even answered.

 

B.

 

 

 

If I had the ability to move with the speed of light and grasp you in my arms and take you away from this creep it wouldn't be fast enough.

 

Trust your gut, trust that you're worth more than this kind of disrespect and deceit.

 

You're seeking advice, but I think you already know you're being disrespected and treated horribly.

 

If you're looking for a hero, just look in the mirror and realize that you're your own best hero. Trust your inner voice, and trust that you are worthy of much more than being used.

Edited by Furious
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Please... please leave this situation, it is ot good for you. Learn to be alone. Learn how that feels. This current path is only setting yourself up for a life of heartache. There is no positive here with this man.

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All your posts brought tears to my eyes, thank you for all your answers.

 

Yes, I know that this relationship has no future... I just need to build up the courage to leave...which I don't have at the moment...

 

Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that he does these things behind my back, because he really is such a loving and generous partner, so hard to believe that I end up convincing myself that it's not true!

 

Could he have an actual problem? As in addiction to prostitutes (sorry if that sounds completely ridiculous) that he might need help with?

 

Thank you again...

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I just wanted to add to what I said above...

 

Although I sometimes manage to convince myself that he does not do these things, other times I know that I have to get out of this situation and the only way to do that is get more and more detached from this relationship, and so I look at all the photos that I took of every message and photo he had on his phone to do with prostitutes that I found ...

 

The day that I leave I am planning on printing these all out, and handing them to him, just to see his reaction.

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All your posts brought tears to my eyes, thank you for all your answers.

 

Yes, I know that this relationship has no future... I just need to build up the courage to leave...which I don't have at the moment...

 

Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that he does these things behind my back, because he really is such a loving and generous partner, so hard to believe that I end up convincing myself that it's not true!

 

Could he have an actual problem? As in addiction to prostitutes (sorry if that sounds completely ridiculous) that he might need help with?

 

Thank you again...

 

Nobody wants to believe their partner cheats on them, but the fact is he has done and will do in the future.

The fact he visits unknown prostitutes and shemales makes the likelihood of him bringing home a STD to you a big risk.

STDs are not just something trivial that can be easily sorted, they can affect your fertility too.

Infertility & STDs - STD Information from CDC

So not only are you wasting your child bearing years with a man who doesn't respect you and will prevent you from having children of your own, as HE doesn't want more children

- he may also bring home a disease that may mean you are NEVER able to have children.

YOU are no more than a glorified nanny for his kid.

 

He doesn't need help, you cannot save him.

Do not turn this around into it being about "poor him". That is nonsense. You need to get out if you are to save yourself from real heart ache.

Edited by elaine567
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I don't have the slightest idea on how I'm supposed to leave the man I love. I don't know what to do, what to say.... When I wrote my first post I was sure that I was going to leave, I was fed up, knew I deserved better. And since then, every night I've had dreams about leaving, and I wake up in a blind panic and upset....

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I don't have the slightest idea on how I'm supposed to leave the man I love. I don't know what to do, what to say.... When I wrote my first post I was sure that I was going to leave, I was fed up, knew I deserved better. And since then, every night I've had dreams about leaving, and I wake up in a blind panic and upset....

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I understand how conflicted you are. There's something I want to point out to you. We teach people how to treat us. He will NEVER stop cheating on you. He knows that he can and you won't leave him. Prove him wrong.

 

 

IMO, he sounds like a sex addict. You are putting your future and sexual health at risk by staying with him. He has also told you he doesn't want a 2nd child. You stated you want kids. Do NOT settle for a man who doesn't want the same things in life as you do. This will only lead to future resentment.

 

 

There's a reason many people state love is blind. I know you're scared and sad. As with the end of any important relationship, you will hurt, but in time you will heal.

 

 

Best wishes!

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I don't have the slightest idea on how I'm supposed to leave the man I love. I don't know what to do, what to say.... When I wrote my first post I was sure that I was going to leave, I was fed up, knew I deserved better. And since then, every night I've had dreams about leaving, and I wake up in a blind panic and upset....

 

You leave him because he doesn't love you, remember that and never forget it.

Get things in motion, get your financial stuff in order, find somewhere to live and then start organising and packing up your stuff.

Doing things reduces the panic.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Well I still haven't left, it's so hard. I need help, but I don't know what kind, and I don't know who to turn to.... I've started looking at flats, but I can't find the courage to contact the estate agents to arrange for visits.... Sorry this post is really pointless, but I just need to speak about things, and typing helps....

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WhiteWingedDove

I've been awful close to being in your shoes when I was younger.. you do KNOW what you have to do. That's the first big step. You already have the courage in you; yo just need to find a way to access it. Don't beat yourself up for not getting out yet, but please.... DO get out. Are there any friends or family that can help you make the first step? This guy is Bad news for you. Big hugs, my friend I understand, I really do.

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Buns

There are better out there and you do not have to accept this. You are young and have no kids with this man, and please do not even think about that now.

To answer one of your questions. Yes, there are men and women who accept this type of behavior from their partners but usually there are other circumstances like kids or finances where they just can't get out right now.

Whether they are prostitutes or the woman next door, it is obvious you are in an open marriage that you did not sign up for. And his secrecy is not going to change.

You should go to IC and figure out why you would want to stay and put up with this. So two boyfriends have cheated. That should not condemn you to a life of being the doormat for some guy.

Just do not assume that there are no men out there that do not behave like him.

And do not marry him or have kids

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It sounds like with this guy, about 50% of things are good the rest is really bad, and it's that 50% that keeps you loving him and engaging in your relationship.

 

the thing is love isn't enough, and the 50%that is bad will eventually wear you down, lower and lower, making it harder and harder to leave, even though you're miserable.

 

He may not be a bad guy, and if his sex life outside of your relatioship is an addiction, in some ways, that may not be his fault. This doesn't mean that he is good relationship material, as he has some issues that he needs to work on in himself before he should be in any sort of commited relationship with you or anyone else. You can't "fix" him, he has to do that on his own.While you can't force yourself to stop loving him, you can accept that love isn't enough, and your relationship is hurting you, his son ( he'll get more and more attached even though your relationship with his dad is toxic) and even him as well.

 

It also sonds as if he is in some denial about his sexuality and who he is attracted to. Again, this is really unhealthy and can lead to someone engaging in some risky behaviors.It sounds like he dosn't like that part of himself, and is trying to force it down and ignore it, pretending he's someone else, which can be very hurtful for a person. If he can face that part of himself rather than run and hide from it, he'd likely be a happier person.

Edited by truncated
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