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We both Cheated


Maggie Lane

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Married to my husband for 12 years. I am his third wife, he my second husband. Right after we married I noticed he was not interested in me. As a new wife this concerned me greately and was in his face all the time asking whats wrong, how can we fix this etc. He just continued to reject me which put me in a deeper tailspin. We went to counseling a few times, each time he would say he didnt like them, we dont need them, i cant keep doing this cause my job. He is very chatty, charming etc. with ANY woman, especially pretty ones and I found this disrespectful to me from the start...cause he was paying attention to everyone BUT me. THey were all that and a bag of chips, cute funny rich etc..., I was not worthy of his attention, respect and affection. He would speak very badly of women (even ones in his life) and when I would bring this to his attention he would put me down for being upset. I always suspected he was cheating on me, confronted him a few times and he talked me off the ledge.

 

Fast forward to one year ago (11 years of marriage). I found out that he was texting (sexting) with a woman and planning on meeting her. I moved out for three weeks and he talked me into coming home. We were already in marriage counseling at the time of my discovery.

 

Two weeks later my father passed. Counseling took a back seat to my grieving process and we never went back to counseling. He did not like that counselor anyways cause he made us realize he is a narcissist.

 

7 months later i find out that he was sexting again, with a woman from his home town, and aquaintance to his family. I told him I wanted a divorce, attained a lease and moved two months later (due to home cercumstances).

 

The pain was terrible even though I suspected it in my gut for years. The denial in me was huge. Again we got right back into counseling (alone and together), started going to church and attending Celebrate Recovery meetings. The discovery period kept going on forever. I only texted, turned into he had sex, turned into sex with neighbor(s) old neighborhood, turned into currently seeking women in our new neighborhood (busted him), turned into hitting on my friends, turned into crossing the line many many times from 3 years on. I found out he never used protection etiher. THis went on for 9 of the 12 years of our marrieage. I did not know which way was up and I was SO hard on him.

 

I am embarrassed for being SO hard on him and now I know the reason it was as painful as it was is cause I had my own cross to bear but did not think I could tell him my sin. Guilt and the grace of God made me realize I had to come clean and I admitted to my faulter of a majority emotional affair with some physical aspects to it for 7 years.

 

I have moved out, we are in a separation agreement where we are in counseling, we dont date others, we do not reatin lawyers ets. We are working on this but it is such a roller coaster.

 

How does a marriage overcome this?

Edited by Maggie Lane
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...so u say all kinds of details about his wrong doing..but you don't say much what is that you did...I guess some people come clean by just saying I did cheat too but never tell details.

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...so u say all kinds of details about his wrong doing..but you don't say much what is that you did...I guess some people come clean by just saying I did cheat too but never tell details.

 

This. It took me a few reads to confirm there was not much about her own infidelity...

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This. It took me a few reads to confirm there was not much about her own infidelity...
Right. What are "physical aspects to it"?
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Guilt and the grace of God made me realize I had to come clean and I admitted to my faulter of a majority emotional affair with some physical aspects to it for 7 years.

 

 

How does a marriage overcome this?

 

Your entire post goes on and on about what he did, but only one little line about what YOU did. It seems to me that most people reading what you have written are missing the fact that you did to him the same thing he did to you.

 

Neither of you were in this marriage pretty much from the get go it seems. Multiple marriages prior to this one should have taught both of you that there are other ways to manage what's wrong in your relationship that don't involve dragging other people into the mix.

 

It seems to me that this marriage should have ended years ago. I don't think you can overcome all of the infidelities and lies and hurts that you two have piled up in the past 11/12 years. Counseling obviously isn't working, for either of you, so it might be time to call it quits.

 

I wish I had better advice for you and I hope this post doesn't come across as too harsh. I'm just calling it like I see it. Sometimes it's best to just let it go and move on with your life. Accept that this one is probably a lost cause and just let it go.

 

What you do from this point forward though is the most important thing. It may be time for you to really sit down and think about how it is you behave in relationships and why they don't work out. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but you are going to have to face some harsh realities about who you are and how you handle relationships. Your husband sounds like he needs to do the same but likely won't do it and you can't force him to.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Not trying to hide anything, Yes I cheated too. That is why I titled my first post as such.

 

12 years into our marriage I find out he has cheated on three wives over the course of 30 years, I being the third wife. I had hoped he had changed, I now know that is not true and was never in my cards to be able to assist in that.

 

More on me. I started a friendship with a man whom I could talk to and ask for answers as to what could be going on with my husband. I KNEW I did not do this to start an affair and was quite blatant with this man that I would not do that. He never pressured for more than what I could offer. He was a kind man and true friend. Over time, yes i faultered and became emotionally attached to him, which then turned into a sexual relationship for some time. I did however decide to stop the physical affair with him however still kept on with the emotional affair.

 

The physical aspects of my affair ended Spring of 2013 and I started counseling on my own, then with my husband. It was during that marriage counseling I found out that he was indeed cheating, but not though his admission, only cause he was caught. Six months later, after moving back in with him, I found out once again he was sexting...which then opened pandoras box of everything we had done..

 

Someone wanted to know what physical aspects means? well they wont be getting sordid details. I said I cheated too. An affair is an affair and they ARE WRONG. Emotional is not any less than a physical; one over many years is no less damaging than many over many years. We are both in the wrong, both hurt, both embarrassed and ashamed. We both cheated, I with one man, and used protection, him with more than he (and the counselor) wants him to admit....what I do know of is this: 2 neighbors, one stray and one "Friend" from back home. He tried to start something with two women (one in our new neighborhood) during our counseling phase since he had stated he had a problem in June 2014.

 

I have ended ALL contact of my affair. My husband and I have been in christian counseling for 6 months, together and separately. He states he does not want to lose me...

 

We both fear trusting each other again....

 

I am out here to gain insight, not be crucified. I have done that to myself enough through this and want to learn. I am asking for some constructive advice as to how to decide to stay or leave. Can a serial cheated ever stop?

Edited by Maggie Lane
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I think in order to repair you; you have to be completely honest with him. You have to tell him everything you did. I know that wont be easy. I also know just because you tell him everything it does not mean he will do the same. You can't force him to be a better person but you can help yourself to be a better person. Take time out to relearn you.

 

I think you both need to be 100% transparent with each other. There also needs to be consequences for each others actions should you both stray again.

 

Only you will know if your marriage can be saved. I personally never suggest to anyone to stay with a cheater but since you both cheated I think it will be incredibly difficult to fix this mess.

 

If you have only cheated once in your life then hopefully you will learn from this and move on to be a better person. If you have done it more times then I would say you have much deeper issues that you will need to work out.

 

As to your H I would not recommend staying with him. You already have your answer. He has cheated on every wife for the last 30 years of his life.

 

On the other side of this Good for you for stopping on your own and getting into counseling.

 

Most cheaters never do that.

 

Clay

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Do you still feel this way if I gently remind you that I stated I cheated as well?

 

Shouldnt your comments be directed towards me as well?

 

I am asking if anyone knows of situations like this where things do work out for the best of the marriage. That both parties change and are happy ever after?

 

Reconciliation depends on both parties involved in it. It varies immensely by each person's emotional capacity and a true desire to accept what happened and move on from it. While many people DO reconcile I'd love to survey them to see if they truly reconciled happily or if they're still miserable and torn up inside. Anybody can change but the trust and betrayals that occur in infidelity make it hard to form a trusting relationship again due to the circumstances.

 

If there's no trust where does the marriage go? Can real trust ever be obtained as it once "was"? Your case seems rather difficult due to your unique circumstances. Impossible? No. Likely? No. It would take a miracle in my opinion to move on from this kind of damage. That many years and that many lies. It's like your marriage was a complete lie from its infancy.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you both can find the peace you're looking for sooner than later.

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I have moved out, we are in a separation agreement where we are in counseling, we dont date others, we do not reatin lawyers ets. We are working on this but it is such a roller coaster.

 

How does a marriage overcome this?

 

 

 

uh, why? you are both cheaters. that is who you both are. why not just reconcile and have an open marriage? Maybe have separate bedrooms so you can bring home dates when you both want to?

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There is a thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. You should read it as it outlines a great deal of the requirements for a wayward to re-earn trust. It's an immensely difficult task and conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. Few make it that far. The wayward has to be truly remorseful and the betrayed spouse has to be truly forgiving.

 

The challenge here is that you're both now what we call, Madhatters, meaning that you're both a wayward spouse and a betrayed spouse. It is exponentially more difficult to reconcile in this scenario because you have to do all of the heavy lifting related to being a wayward spouse AND you have to do it for someone you don't trust. Worse yet, your husband has to do the same. It is a ridiculously tall order.

 

Is it possible? Sure. But you have to both be "all-in." For what it's worth, you personally sound like you have some hope for putting in the work required. Your voluntary confession (albeit an extremely delayed one following a very long-term EA/PA) does go a long way in speaking to true remorse on your part. You also appear firmly committed to NC and are proactively seeking ways to rebuild. Good deal.

 

Is your husband prepared to do the same? I'm ridiculously skeptical. This wasn't a one-time slip that was confessed out of guilt. It's a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior that even spans periods of feigned remorse and false reconciliation. I'm personally a believer in second chances but no third chances. You're well past that. You're virtually a volunteer at this point rather than a victim. The fact that is perhaps most disturbing is that a counselor has labeled your H as a narcissist. That is really not good. You know what the cure for narcissism is? There isn't any. Those involved with narcissists are typically advised to run and to only ask "how fast?" and "how far?"

 

What gives you any level of confidence that his behavior over 3 marriages and 30 years is going to change? Anything short of "utterly remarkable" and you should be getting out those running shoes.

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From your counselor, does the counselor see any situation where your H will not cheat in the future?

 

Or where you will not cheat in the future? Has your H confronted your OM?

 

Wishing you success and peace in the future.

 

But affairs bring momentary pleasure (I am told they do) the results are a lifetime of pain.

 

I do know about the second part.

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Madhatters....interesting word and it its true that it is difficult however at times, helpful (unfortunately) to know what if feels like to be in both sets of shoes. I recently picked a STOP word (pinnochio) when he is pointing fingers at me about what I have done done done and I no longer have to remind him to remember what he has done. The stop word has worked at the moment, but the "moments" have not stopped and sense I will grow tired of the hand holding if this truly takes 2-5 years. It has been 6 months. . .

 

Is it possible? Sure. But you have to both be "all-in." For what it's worth, you personally sound like you have some hope for putting in the work required. Husband states he is all in and and I do see positive changes in him ---besides stumbling early in the beginning discovery phase ( was seeking out new neighbor - caught him in lies) and most recently in a resteraunt where , he was talking to me at a table and did a huge double take/paused our discussion stare at a woman walking into the dining room. I looked at him like "really". So obvious and when I spoke with him later he seemed angry that I had an issue with it. Counselor stated he apologiezed, said there was nothing to it. My problem now if I cant accept it. Not H you shouldnt of done that....it makes her feel disrespected etc. This is the same behavior I have dealt with for 12 years. My fear is he can only behave for so long before he makes it "my" issue, and I roll over and let him just do it to me all over again cause I am tired of bringing it to his attention/causing fights.

 

You also appear firmly committed to NC and are proactively seeking ways to rebuild. Good deal. Dont know what NC stands for

 

You're virtually a volunteer at this point rather than a victim. Interesting insight. Because i am choosing to stay and work on it?

 

Perhaps the most disturbing is that a counselor has labeled your H as a narcissist. That was the first counselor we went to a year ago - not the christian counselor. At that time H did not admit to meeting anyone of these or having a physical relationship., I have read the book Malignant Self Love and that counselor stated the same thing you have. For some reason I feel the need to stay so that I don't hurt "him" (not worried about me for some reason and I don't know why ???), don't fail the marriage, don't give up too soon, don't disappoint the kids and our families. Why do I take on all this responsibility???? It is not mine to carry. I have admitted to what I have done and he still wants me to stay and to be the one who gives him the chance. I keep looking for a way to relieve my guilt so that I can consciously move on....and I keep giving him chances.

 

What gives you any level of confidence that his behavior over 3 marriages and 30 years is going to change? ALL I have is his changed behavior (when he is around me) how do i know he isn't still doing this - he is a pro! And his words that he loves me, this wasn't my (the wifes) fault....and that he is sorry.

 

Help me parse through this. I am too deep and involved to see the light. I need outsiders true and honest thoughts on this and if they know any situation like this and how it went.

 

THANK YOU

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Not trying to hide anything, Yes I cheated too. That is why I titled my first post as such.

 

12 years into our marriage I find out he has cheated on three wives over the course of 30 years, I being the third wife. I had hoped he had changed, I now know that is not true and was never in my cards to be able to assist in that.

 

More on me. I started a friendship with a man whom I could talk to and ask for answers as to what could be going on with my husband. I KNEW I did not do this to start an affair and was quite blatant with this man that I would not do that. He never pressured for more than what I could offer. He was a kind man and true friend.

 

 

 

He was not a true friend. He was a predator. Their No. 1 plan in their plan book is to patiently work the friend angle till they work their way into their targets panties.

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Wow, can anyone actually give some sound advice here and not attack all parties involved??

 

In my experience then, all men are predators and I say this due to their predestined duty/"disposition" to procreate and spread their seed.

 

That my friend is what my dear H states is all mens downfall.

 

Thank you everyone who did try to give some advice here and not be cynical, sarcastic and judgemental.

 

Ill stick with the Christian Counseling.

 

WOW

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If both parties will do the hard work, it can work.

 

Make sure that you both are trying together. If your H is not equally yoked with you, you can't fix it by yourself.

 

Glad that you are hopefully both using counseling and you have a good counselor.

 

I do like that you have a stop word.

 

do wish you peace and hopefully happiness.

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What stuck out to me was this is your husbands 3rd marriage and your 2nd and you have both had well over half of this marriage of yours having affairs :eek:

 

I don't know how this can be fixed in all honesty. Your husband clearly is a serial cheater and did you cheat in your first marriage too?

 

Boy oh boy, you both need one heck of a lot of counselling imho.

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I left my first husband due to to his inability to stop abusing drugs, spending us into the red, and putting his 5 year old daughter and I first in his life.

 

I was able to see the red flags in the first marriage and get out in order to protect my daughter but now that it is only me, I dont seem have the ability to save myself....

Edited by Maggie Lane
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I think cutting your losses might be the thing to do. I know you care for your H, but I believe there are people who will be opportunistic throughout their entire life and he is one. He reminds me of my XH in some ways, although I only know of two women he cheated on me with; there could have been more. But the real issue is that he was always flirting, looking around, charming to other women, telling me that he was being hit on and I think he was seeking affirmation of his attractiveness and he had always been this way.

 

I can't say this reconciliation won't work and no one else here can either, but based on other people's experiences (and mine), working it out when one person cheats is extremely difficult, but when both do, it's a cluster fk. How do you ever trust each other again? You seem sincere in your regrets and remorse and if it is your first time, I can see that. He, on the other hand, does this routinely. This is not out of character for him - this has been his character all along. His lack of interest in you once he had you is indicative of importance of "getting" someone, but not necessarily keeping them.

 

Good luck.

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How do I cut my losses when I am so hopeful to finally get what I thought I was getting 12 years ago? I am a romantic....and somewhat, have the need to feel accepted by this man.

 

If, IF, he is really able to change and means it that he loves me and wants this to work, shouldn't I stick it out? Don't I owe this to our marriage, to God to see this through?

 

Then I wake up from my new-found denial....and worry that I am being bamboozled and will spend 12 more years thinking I have something I still don't have, never had.

 

I guess my question is, can a leopard change his spots? How much time and chances should one get? He was such a pro at doing this RIGHT in front of my eyes - and believe you me, I was on this from the get go...super sleuthing etc....only to find out he was doing this right in front of me with the neighbor women? I am a smart woman and do not trust my own judgement anymore.

 

What signs should I look for to stay or bail?

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TrustedthenBusted

I'm sorry to hear about it all. Sounds quite painful.

 

I will never understand why people get married a 2nd and 3rd time.

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As I told my XH's AP, a tiger has his stripes forever and you can have him. She didn't want him either. LOL!

 

In time, you will see what you need to do

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