If he looks at nude pics randomly, is he a cheater

[busybee89]

I hope this isn't going to totally be a dumb question. I am involved with a man I consider my best friend. Didn't start out that way. We met as being single neighbors, both dating around so we got off to a rocky spot with going back and forth between romance and friendship and add to the mix dating others. Then we moved away from each other for about a year. But back in May I contacted him just to be friendly and sparks flew and we have hardly spent a moment apart since. He is so very good to me. Works hard. Says he wants to marry me (apparently there is a proposal date that even my daughters know about). I love him so much and I'm so certain we have so many things in common and a great deal of respect for each other.

BUT, I am aware he looks at nude pics of women when bored at random. Not all the time, maybe few times a month. I even brought up the issue speaking as if in regards to someone else so he wouldn't feel attacked. And he openly admitted he does it and that all men do or at least want to.. or their lying. But he said that doesn't mean he wants to cheat, that women are just beautiful creatures.

I am not the most secure person in the world but not the most insecure either. It just bothers me a little because I want to be enough. Especially when considering a marriage proposal. Does this always lead to infidelity? Even if he'd die for me. I have not asked him to stop. This is just one wrong thing among thousands of right things. Feedback would really be helpful.

Thanks,

Busybee89

Edited November 28, 2014 by busybee89

[M30USA]

I hope this isn't going to totally be a dumb question. I am involved with a man I consider my best friend. Didn't start out that way. We met as being single neighbors, both dating around so we got off to a rocky spot with going back and forth between romance and friendship and add to the mix dating others. Then we moved away from each other for about a year. But back in May I contacted him just to be friendly and sparks flew and we have hardly spent a moment apart since. He is so very good to me. Works hard. Says he wants to marry me (apparently there is a proposal date that even my daughters know about). I love him so much and I'm so certain we have so many things in common and a great deal of respect for each other.

BUT, I am aware he looks at nude pics of women when bored at random. Not all the time, maybe few times a month. I even brought up the issue speaking as if in regards to someone else so he wouldn't feel attacked. And he openly admitted he does it and that all men do or at least want to.. or their lying. But he said that doesn't mean he wants to cheat, that women are just beautiful creatures.

I am not the most secure person in the world but not the most insecure either. It just bothers me a little because I want to be enough. Especially when considering a marriage proposal. Does this always lead to infidelity? Even if he'd die for me. I have not asked him to stop. This is just one wrong thing among thousands of right things. Feedback would really be helpful.

Thanks,

Busybee89

 

I have a history of porn addiction (guilty as charged) but I've never cheated on any girlfriend or ex-wife. I don't think the two are necessarily related. But that was just in my case.

[Thegreatestthing]

I don't think you should be worried about him looking at nude pics every guy does that.

[mrs rubble]

I met my fiance completely naked, both of us at a nudist club. For some of us nudity is normal.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Well,

 

I wondered if this was going to be another of those same old threads... but I was relieved by yours being tilted toward wanting to know if any of what you describe foretells cheating/infidelity.

 

 

The answer is that there is no indication that some certain amount of porn viewing will help you discern a man who is more likely than others to cheat on you.

 

What so many (women, often) are challenged to see, is that while each individual is most likely a gem to look-at and admire, there is something very logical in the minds of men(, at least) which helps them to better appreciate whatever uniqueness in the way of physical female features is before their eyes when they have a strong(er) sense for just what to compare it to.

 

I've read many times that when women are out among others, women really are scanning outfits, and handbags, and shoes, and combinations thereof, to (review in their own minds, I'm guessing) which goes best with what, and deciding whether they themselves might want that particular garment/apparel)... but that is done most easily when one has something to compare to.

 

If you see a handbag on a post, on the sidewalk, with a sign that says "free handbag" affixed to it... well, you've got ONE handbag, ONE example... and yeah, you might decide whether to accept or pass based on how it matches your attire worn that day, or your wardrobe in general... but to have two or five hundred handbags nearby is when you do your best comparing.

 

I'm trying to say that YOUR particular (body parts that he likes the most) would not seem quite SO compelling had he not had any sense at all for those same body parts on others.

 

And I think the game of admiring women is rigged, in a big/good way, and that it is rigged in favor OF women... and in favor OF long-lasting relationships... and where the main way you can go-wrong is when NOT believing in yourself AS an individual woman.

 

Consider that male eyes (and probably all eyes) tend to scan their environment in search of what they like most, rather than honing-in on elements/factors/attributes they like least... and that they'd much rather praise (some random-to-me body part on you) than turn you over and observe/measure the cellulite on your thigh, etc.

 

Y'know, I just saw a photo today of Cindy Crawford's daughter... and while her face looked (somewhere in the neighborhood OF flawless ) I found myself wondering IF human eyes almost NEED something like Cindy's mole to seem an imperfection in order to better enjoy admiring such faces.

 

 

 

I (hear so many women repeating/reciting the idea that they want to be enough {woman, for their men} that I {acknowledge} what you're saying) {more for it having been repeated so often, than because I can feel your internal vibes on the subject} ... but I just don't sense that the two ideas are mutually exclusive (meaning that this isn't an either/or equation).

 

I just say, and strongly believe that the best defense for insecurities like you might feel is a great offense.

 

Join him in looking at porn online... and allow him to express what he sees and thinks about the look of various individuals there and then learn (about him) from (the exercise).

 

You are at a point where, IF there was some deep, bad secret you might unearth, you'd want to run for the hills (this is me, guessing at your mindset over this subject)... so you really don't have anything to lose... and reassurance at this point would be a considerable gain.

 

What you'd most likely come to understand is that YOUR _________(s) really ARE as unique and wholly attractive/arousing as he's always said... indeed you'd find that he was intrigued over some random photo-ed starlets __________(s) ... aaaaaaaaaand you'll hear just what, about her/it/them draws his interest... and the DE-tail he offers when allowed to express freely on such subjects really WILL have you coming to realize that his liking/admiration of YOUR ___________ (s) is sincere, and the result of deep consideration and appreciation of the vast variety out there.

 

 

I think, worst case, is that you could do more harm to yourself inside in this whole arena, than he, or this suggested exercise could ever do.

 

I hope that makes sense.

[A.Moscote]

And he openly admitted he does it and that all men do or at least want to

First of all, if it's openly admitted, then it's not really a cheating isn't it?

And yes, most of us do it, it is pleasing the eyes, just as you do probably look at something that pleases and excites you.

 

Does this always lead to infidelity?

No, I don't think so, at least not from my reading here in this site. There are many other characteristics that are way more risky, that could always lead to infidelity.

 

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not advising you to downplay it. If it is an issue for you, then it is indeed an issue. Communicate and discuss about it. Not properly solving this is what actually could indirectly lead to infidelity, e.g. creating resentment, looking for gratification outside of the M, being closed books to each other.

 

If an honest and committed relationship is what both of you are looking for, then both of you should expect that there need to be some give and take, here and there. This is the issue that will test that readiness, go for it busybee.

 

Be tactful and good luck.

[fellini]

It's no more dangerous than watching Scarlett Johansson movies or pictures fully clothed. Viewing erotic or "pornographic" images, or having sexual fantasies of beautiful women is not what leads men to cheat. Cheating is about having real power, if only entitlement. When one is consuming erotica the image has the "power" over the viewer.

 

The issues only begin when addiction settles in, and a person begins to change their lifestyle in order to satisfy a need that cannot be met in a routine life. Any addiction is a threat to a relationship. Not just an infidelity.

 

I suggest you tell him how it makes you feel, but not to get him to feel embarrassed or threatened by it. Look for a way to find humour in this.

[d0nnivain]

Looking a picture of a naked person is NOT cheating. Looking a picture of a naked person you know is a slippery slope.

 

 

If porn bothers YOU, then don't marry this guy. You won't change him. You will just end up arguing all the time.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I don't consider pictures of nude women to be cheating. I do consider it disrespectful to the woman in the relationship and something that would likely hurt her.

 

Just one man's opinion.

[Rainbowlove]

To each his own. What matters is how you feel about it. Is it a deal breaker for you?

 

Focus on your own wants and needs in the relationship. If they are not being met or respected, decide what's important and what you can and can't live with.

 

His behavior is unlikely to change.

[revelations]

I hope this isn't going to totally be a dumb question. I am involved with a man I consider my best friend. Didn't start out that way. We met as being single neighbors, both dating around so we got off to a rocky spot with going back and forth between romance and friendship and add to the mix dating others. Then we moved away from each other for about a year. But back in May I contacted him just to be friendly and sparks flew and we have hardly spent a moment apart since. He is so very good to me. Works hard. Says he wants to marry me (apparently there is a proposal date that even my daughters know about). I love him so much and I'm so certain we have so many things in common and a great deal of respect for each other.

BUT, I am aware he looks at nude pics of women when bored at random. Not all the time, maybe few times a month. I even brought up the issue speaking as if in regards to someone else so he wouldn't feel attacked. And he openly admitted he does it and that all men do or at least want to.. or their lying. But he said that doesn't mean he wants to cheat, that women are just beautiful creatures.

I am not the most secure person in the world but not the most insecure either. It just bothers me a little because I want to be enough. Especially when considering a marriage proposal. Does this always lead to infidelity? Even if he'd die for me. I have not asked him to stop. This is just one wrong thing among thousands of right things. Feedback would really be helpful.

Thanks,

Busybee89

 

This is a subject that can be confusing or even misleading for some women. So let me start of by saying that most men are very visual. Now just because a man may enjoy looking at the women in a men's magazine that does not mean that he does not enjoy looking at his wife or significant other. Sometimes nude women are referred to as "eye candy". However please understand that while your man may enjoy looking at another nude woman that does not mean he wants that woman. Most men will just enjoy the view and it holds no more thought in their head past a few seconds of viewing something else. I drive truck for a living and I can tell you that I have been cheered up during a rough day by a couple of women flashing their boobs at me as I drove down the highway. Don't ask me why, however for me seeing those boobs has a calming effect and also cheers me up.

 

Now remember everyone is different, both men and women. I would strongly suggest communicating with your man and expressing your perspective and fears on this subject. You may even want to ask him if he would be upset if you were looking at a woman's magazine that had nude men in it. If your man is anything like I am he would not be upset about you looking at other nude men in pictures or movies. However he may not want to go to the store and buy that magazine featuring nude men in it and instead tell you to buy it at the store yourself out of being embarrassed or something. However talk about it and express your concerns about it. This may just be something that is too much for you to be okay with. I would encourage you to talk to other men and wives about this subject also. It will give you better insight to understand that it usually is no real big deal.

[busybee89]

Thanks for the input. I swear... LOLA, Men and women are so different. Men admire. Women spend all their time trying to be admired and it becomes almost a competition with each other. I think the whole world would be more peaceful if men and women could trade places for a day... Or a week... Maybe even longer. LOL

[Selfish]

If he is someone who follows Jesus' teachings then yes.. it is cheating. But if that isn't his faith then it isn't and nor does it mean he will actually cheat. Chatting to online girl's, flirting with women, and so forth are much bigger flags than naked pics.

[petee]

The number of fruit cakes that have gone to town on this question amazes me. Plenty of saddos out there reprinting your question, putting bits in bold and analysing to the nth degree. Same people need to get out more and divorce their computers, or even better embrace life outside of their darkened nuclear bunkers.

 

From a blokes point of view.....it is totally normal. The female form is beautiful, to be admired! If you were to see a nude bloke you'd probably have a sneaky look. Well for blokes it's the same, we are conditioned from being youngsters to look, one of them 'guy things'.

If he isn't hiding the fact I'd say he's no secret pervert like some have him down as. Have you spoken to him about it? To be honest, I occasionally look at porn, I think my wife does when I'm away on active duty- am I bothered if she does? NO. It's harmless. Obviously if I looked every night or was on kinky sites there would be an issue, but occasional viewing?

If I were you I'd be happy you've got a normal bloke, that loves you for who you are, re validate my answer with a male colleague if you have to, but honestly no cause for alarm bells.

You can see straight through all the 'victims' vitriol and poison on this website by reading just a couple of words, and the ones that highlight every phrase......obviously taking time because they're caring people, and not victims.

 

In short, go for it girl, he's absolutely normal. Oh, and when you get engaged please come back and let us know how and where, it sounds to me like he's put thought and shoe leather into it, which is brilliant!!

[spanz1]

wow, NUDIES...of women??? oh my

 

Relax dear, that just shows he is not bisexual! all men do it.

 

And NO, he is NOT comparing your body to the pictures. What is real is real.

[merrmeade]

wow, NUDIES...of women??? oh my

 

Relax dear, that just shows he is not bisexual! all men do it.

 

And NO, he is NOT comparing your body to the pictures. What is real is real.

Shouldn't it depend on how it makes her feel rather than 100 different versions of why men look at porn? It's great to SAY it's not a comparison if his woman's body is, in fact, not that different from those in the nude photos. If she's just that hot, then she might not care, but if she were that hot, then why would he WANT to look at nude photos?

 

But I think that most of the 'explanations' for porn watching assume she's probably average which puts the extraordinary porn bodies in some kind of fantasy category. So, since it's not real, it's not threatening to the reality they inhabit together, right? So does that mean their reality is normal, average, ordinary - normal visual, ordinary touching, average sex - and the porn sex/touching/looking is extraordinary, superlative, exquisite? But there's no comparison so it's okay I guess.

 

And what about when her average body gets pregnant and then older and older? She's feeling vulnerable and realizes her body is less beautiful than it used to be. When she needs him to assure her that she's still desirable, wouldn't it be just the least bit insensitive to go watch porn in the other room? Oh, but it's up to her to work through all this explanation about how it's not a comparison.

 

Furthermore, if it doesn't help their sex life, what place does it have? The answer to that can only be troubling.

I am not the most secure person in the world but not the most insecure either. It just bothers me a little because I want to be enough.

...which is why you should expect him to be sensitive to HOW HIS ACTIONS MAKE YOU FEEL. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. If he cares about you, wouldn't it hurt him to know that you're affected this way?

 

But as far as the infidelity question goes, I think what could make cheating easier is not the fact that he's looking at other women, it's whether or not he's completely open and above-board about his activities. What makes cheating easier is a practice of lying and keeping secrets. If you're not open with each other - e.g., telling him how his porn watching makes you feel - or if he feels like he can't tell you when he indulges in his habit, THEN it becomes easier to add more lies to the pile and do more things in secret. That to me is the danger. The porn itself would be an insult but not necessarily a precursor to infidelity unless, as I said, he's lying without a hitch and has no problem continuing to do so.

Edited December 5, 2014 by merrmeade
answer OP's question