What do you think?

[Ken Thompson]

I'll try to be as brief as possible. Wife has visited her family several times a in another city. After talking about her visit, I asked about the brother-in-law- (he and her sister are divorced) she hadn't mentioned him. All she said was he took her to breakfast. Later, maybe 6 weeks, we were talking again about the trip, I asked about the in-law, she said they went to dinner. I didn't respond to that. Again, a month later, the conversation came up again, I asked about him, she said they went to lunch together. So then I asked where else they'd gone, what else they'd done, and she said nothing. I pushed the questioning, but she was very adamant about the fact that they only went to lunch the one time and nothing else. I see one situation- three stories. Why?

I have photos, taken by her, her family, or whoever. Three photos with him, each one they are next to each other- never anyone else in between. One photo her two nephews are there, All are sitting. on a couch, but she is leaning against the in-law, her lower arm across his upper thigh; his arm around her. They both look quite happy. Another photo they are in a 'quaint' little soda fountain and she appears to be snuggling up against him, his arm around her, hand draping over her shoulder. I've asked her about affairs, she gets extremely defensive, if not actually angry. This part is probably innocent, but on her last trip her mother and sister (live together) told her that she could only go out under the condition that one of them or one of her brothers is with her because 'she might get seduced by some guy.'

It seems to me all the information points to an afair between the (ex) bro-in-law and my wife. Do you see this? Or do you think I'm reading into the situation?

thanks,ken

[aliveagain]

Sounds like more happened than she is telling you. Her family must know something, call her mother, tell her you know something happened and ask her for the truth.

[drifter777]

Your wife is very likely doing your ex-BIL. If you want to catch her then get a VAR for her car, check out her email & facebook, and hire a PI if it is at all possible. Don't confront her until you have undeniable evidence.

 

Do you have kids with her? That can change everything because the path to divorce is clear and unfettered. And if that's the case then you have to ask yourself is this marriage with this woman (whom you do not trust) is worth all the drama and agony you are going to have to endure. Also, if you are planning on having kids and decide to stay with her then you need to wait another year or two to see how this all pans out.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed (especially with the pictures)would your wife accept such a so-called story from you? Time to get checked for STD's. Time to also schedule a polygraph as well.

[central]

She probably cheated on you, or at least is emotionally involved. It's clear that she's lying and defensive - classic signs of an affair. Clandestinely check her phone, texts, email, etc., to see if there has been communication.

[DbleBetrayal]

I'd be suspicious. Funny, If I had read your post 4 years ago, I would have thought you were being very paranoid and you should trust your spouse. Lol.

 

Now I know better. Yeah, I'd be sus on it, you just never know do you. Especially when there's mistakes in the story, even if they are slight. Don't ignore a gut feeling.

[Ken Thompson]

I really appreciate all of your replies, and I will continue to watch here for more possible responses. Here is some more, fact is I'm pretty old and been retired, she's only 45. Our boy is out of college and in a good job, our daughter is in college, working hard to continue as we don't have the money to help her much. We live in Mexico, she's Mexican. I bought a small piece of ground in the country, bult a house, and fortunately it's all paid for.

[drifter777]

I really appreciate all of your replies, and I will continue to watch here for more possible responses. Here is some more, fact is I'm pretty old and been retired, she's only 45. Our boy is out of college and in a good job, our daughter is in college, working hard to continue as we don't have the money to help her much. We live in Mexico, she's Mexican. I bought a small piece of ground in the country, bult a house, and fortunately it's all paid for.

Are you going to pursue finding out what's going on with her & him? Or any other guy for that matter?

[Darren Steez]

Wait, don't you go with your wife on some of these trips? How does the dude act around you?

 

A couple of pictures? Dude might be one of those friendly guys

 

Why not start going on these trips with your wife. Be a deterrent

[Ken Thompson]

Are you going to pursue finding out what's going on with her & him? Or any other guy for that matter?

 

First I want some opinions to confirm what I think or to explain this information is nothing and I'm seeing things that aren't there. At this point, it appears that my concerns are valid. There are thing I can do, things that are not possible. I think I'll first talk to her about the first part- her three answers. Get her repsonses. Then continuw with the photos. At this point I see things as very inciminating, I see nothing to the contrary. IF I were a lawyer agaist her, I'd say I have a very good case, if I were her defending lawyer, I'd be thinking I got problems here. What I want is honst answers from her, then, take it from there.

[beach]

First take a look at her phone, her cell bill and her computer and email to see if she is communicating with a person often enough to raise more flags.

 

Do not tell her your concerns until you check - as if she is guilty she will delete them first - if she already hasn't.

 

Start checking !

[flowergirl14]

Listen to the other posts. Gather information first! Cheaters lie. They will lie right to your face. They will delete incriminating evidence if they think you are on to them. Sorry you have to play detective but if she is guilty she will lie no matter what proof. Its also wise not to tell her everything you know. Just a little at a time.

[Mr. Me]

I really appreciate all of your replies, and I will continue to watch here for more possible responses. Here is some more, fact is I'm pretty old and been retired, she's only 45. Our boy is out of college and in a good job, our daughter is in college, working hard to continue as we don't have the money to help her much. We live in Mexico, she's Mexican. I bought a small piece of ground in the country, bult a house, and fortunately it's all paid for.

 

Mexico?

 

Get her name off the Will, quick.

 

Sounds like they are just waiting for you to croak and quite possibly may want to "encourage" it somehow.

[JS84]

Whatever you do, don't accuse, confront, or question until you can gather concrete evidence. Do NOT tip your hand.

[lolablue17]

About a possible affair, right now you have nothing but your guts. The photos are nothing. Now, what do you want to do.

 

If you want to to know about the affair, just investigate, even hire a PI next time she's in Mexico. But think carefully what do you want to do next, if she is having an affair. Do you want a divorce? to work things out with her?

 

Because if i were you i wouldn't search for any proof. Your wife has lied to you, and then keep defending her lies. For me that's enough. I can forgive cheating, i cannot continue to live in lies. So i would tell her that until she tells me the truth, we're done. And let her try to reach out to you, instead of you try chasing after her to get the truth.

[fellini]

You have two choices:

 

1. keep on suspecting and waiting and trying to interpret ambiguous, at best, evidence.

 

2. Decide that your wife could be acting inappropriately, and you are going to rescue her before she makes a stupid mistake and goes to a place for which there is no return.

 

Some here will say, do nothing, play dumb, let it roll, catch them red handed. But essentially they are saying let her go until she actually screws the guy, then you'll know.

 

Had I seen the photo of my WS and her EVENTUAL AP walking down a trail when the picture was actually taken, I could have taken steps to bring my WS back to REALITY before, over a year later, she turned her growing EA into a full blown PA.

 

I would have saved myself some serious grief, and her as well.

 

Wake your wife up. Explain to her that you are concerned that the impression is too intimate of the two of them, and she needs to distance herself from him before it gets out of hand. Get a copy of "Not just Friends" for example, and read it with her. Explain to her you are concerned as a husband that this will pass with them. It is not about jealousy, it is called being a BEST FRIEND before it's too late. This can, and does, happy to even the most unsuspecting and righteous people. It's not personal, its a social problem. You do not need to accuse her of anything. You only need to share with her how "just friends" CAN lead to infidelity, and that your real concern is not to let it get there.

 

Or you could wait until she screws him, gets caught, and then dump her. Depends whether you want to remain her husband or not.

Edited November 27, 2014 by fellini

[BetrayedH]

Sadly, we betrayed folks are usually the last to know that an affair has already happened.

 

STOP confronting her. Waywards follow a handbook. It's rules are to lie, deny, minimize, gaslight (that's the defensive response that implies that you are the crazy one), and then lie some more. Confronting her serves no purpose except to notify her that you're onto her and she needs to delete everything and take the affair further underground. Would you ever like to know the truth? If so, stop asking her. Play stupid and compliant while you quietly investigate.

 

It starts with her phone. Is her phone locked down? Is it attached to her hip at all times, even when in bed or in the bathroom? Check for texts, internet history, and texting applications (like yahoo messenger, kik, whatsapp, and blackberry messenger). Look thru emails. Check her phone call and text history in the phone against your phone bill. See a frequent number or stuff deleted?

 

Check her PC. Again, checking internet history (and indexed searches) can help. Also look into Facebook messages. Is she into online gaming? An unexpectedly high number of affair partners meet during online gaming.

 

If you find any more red flags, a voice activated recorder (VAR) in the car or other places where she uses her phone can reveal a lot (affair partners typically talk going to/from work) and do it inexpensively (about $50 at Best Buy). Beyond that, you can GPS her vehicle or hire a PI but that won't help if her AP is long-distance.

 

It's best to investigate fully and then you can decide if you've convinced yourself that she's cheating. Keep in mind, you don't need to convince her; you just need to convince yourself. And when you decide to confront, do it with divorce papers. If she's truly remorseful, you can always halt the proceedings. But if there's an affair going on, those papers serve as the best wake-up call. And if she doesn't stop the affair after that, you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Personally, I don't think the photos mean much on their own but combined with her altering story about lunch, dinner, and breakfast with the other man, it makes me think that she had all three (in that order).

[Ken Thompson]

This goes to show me that getting help, ideas, opinions from various people is a great asset, idea. All of you are really a a lot of help, and I really do appreciate your time, ideas, and- support. There is a lot of food for thought here. I will do a lot of thinking and analyzing. I will also keep looking here, and also doing a good amount of reviewing your posts.

[BetrayedH]

This goes to show me that getting help, ideas, opinions from various people is a great asset, idea. All of you are really a a lot of help, and I really do appreciate your time, ideas, and- support. There is a lot of food for thought here. I will do a lot of thinking and analyzing. I will also keep looking here, and also doing a good amount of reviewing your posts.

 

It's a sucky thing to go thru, that's for sure. I got suspicious of my wife 3 1/2 years ago. It took me about 3 weeks to go into investigative mode (which finally happened after much insistence from posters here). It was finally a GPS that revealed my wife at a hotel from 10pm to midnight that got rid of the limbo of not knowing. What I discovered in the months to follow was nothing short of unbelievable but undeniable. It had been a year of mid-day hotel stays with her boss (like weekly), at least one night in our home with the kids asleep in their rooms, and a threesome with her OM and a prostitute. I never thought it possible. If it weren't for the people here, I might never have known and would have just been left clueless and destroyed by a mysterious divorce.

 

I'm here to give back, as are many others. Keep reading and posting. Right now you just have a gut instinct that's screaming. Most of us here have learned to always trust our gut.