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Irony of an Affair


OverIt75

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Anyone ever notice that the very things we seek in an affair - we will lose?

 

I thought I was 'in love' and desired that feeling - now the A is over and my H may never be able to love me in that way again.

 

I felt special in the A - now my H knows he has shared me and logically knows that I am no longer special. I am not a catch. What H and I have has been smeared and defiled by another relationship.

 

I felt intimacy and a 'connection' during the A - that was killed by NC and now there is a huge divide between H and I that we will need to work very hard to overcome...if we can.

 

I felt intensely happy...ecstatic really....during the A - now my days are filled with sadness, regret, guilt, grief, depression and fear.

 

I wanted it 'both ways' during the A - my H for the family, companionship, and security; my AP for the passion, love, and excitement. Now, I may end up with neither.

 

You take all the feelings that you have during an A and THEN try to go back to your M. You've created an experience that you can't help but compare to your real world. I was happy before the A; now everything falls short.

 

It seems the things we hang on to so tightly, that we lie and cheat and deceive even ourselves to get, fall right through our fingers in the end.

 

If we could only have foresight and tell ourselves the truth - you have everything in your M. It might not be perfect, but we are fortunate, blessed. Why the discontent? Keep chasing stars and you will end up with nothing.

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This is so true. In my relationship I knew what i missing but i didn't exactly know what it felt like, if that makes sense. So even though I was missing something, I was still ok in the relationship overall. Then I had an affair over the summer and was given everything I was missing. I finally knew what it felt like! And when you get a taste of it, it's hard to just go back to relationship that cat's out of the bag.

 

The irony of my affair was that I was sad and missing affection...I had my affair, things didn't work out and I am STILL sad and missing affection. it never filled my void like i thought. It was a brief filler.

 

Thanks for your post. It reminds me to be careful what we wish for...we might get it but lose everything in the process.

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I feel a little like that too now, as the BS. I had been a bit sad for a few years over the lukewarm nature of our marriage - I put it down to the length of time we'd been married, the fact that H is not that demonstrative, the fact that we had 3 children around all the time. Life wasn't perfect but he was a good man and we had a nice life. When he had his affair it said one thing very clearly to me 'It isn't that he can't be demonstrative, he just isn't with you. It isn't that he can't be romantic, he just isn't with you'. And we have talked about all this, been to MC, he has reassured me again and again that I am embroidering the nature of the affair into totally inaccurate extravagance, that he has shown love and desire for me many many times... and those things are true but....he has opened Pandora's box and I still crave what I have craved for years and what I may never get from him.

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With honesty- do you feel you ca get it all from your spouse within the marriage?

 

If so, are you willing to do hard work on yourself to stay married?

 

If not, are you willing to divorce knowing that this M will never provide you with what your needs are?

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This is why there are many people that advocate not even trying to reconcile or trying to go back to the M after an A. Often it's the BS that people discourage from trying to reconcile but in many instances even the WS has a bitter return as well as is evidenced here by both Overit and October.

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With honesty- do you feel you ca get it all from your spouse within the marriage?

 

If so, are you willing to do hard work on yourself to stay married?

 

If not, are you willing to divorce knowing that this M will never provide you with what your needs are?

 

Even though I'm the one who cheated, I am almost to the point where I feel like 'getting my needs met' is a bunch of crap. I think marriage was not designed to be self-serving.

 

I cheated, in spite of being generally happy. The sad thing is that the affair showed me some other things that I had been satisfied without before, because frankly, ignorance is bliss.

 

It's kind of like the 'old-fashioned' or Biblical idea of no sex before marriage. If you save yourself for ONE, and are faithful to that ONE, you will be happy - right? You won't know the difference. There are no comparisons.

 

I was just making a point in my original post that we hold so tightly onto certain 'feelings' in an A; we work so hard to hide and sneak around so we can maintain both relationships; yet it is all self-sabotage. At the end of the day, we may not have the A or our M.

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AS a BH I understand this from the other side.

 

The feeling you had for AP - we want it so bad...to feel that from our spouse...or even just someone :(

 

Your right- the special is gone for both sides.

Edited by dichotomy
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AS a BH I understand this from the other side.

 

The feeling you had for AP - we want it so bad...to feel that from our spouse. :(

 

Your right- the special is gone for both sides.

 

This makes me sad.

 

I hope you know that many WWs do realize that the feeling we were searching for so desperately was right in front of us all along.

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Even though I'm the one who cheated, I am almost to the point where I feel like 'getting my needs met' is a bunch of crap. I think marriage was not designed to be self-serving.

 

I cheated, in spite of being generally happy. The sad thing is that the affair showed me some other things that I had been satisfied without before, because frankly, ignorance is bliss.

 

It's kind of like the 'old-fashioned' or Biblical idea of no sex before marriage. If you save yourself for ONE, and are faithful to that ONE, you will be happy - right? You won't know the difference. There are no comparisons.

 

I was just making a point in my original post that we hold so tightly onto certain 'feelings' in an A; we work so hard to hide and sneak around so we can maintain both relationships; yet it is all self-sabotage. At the end of the day, we may not have the A or our M.

 

 

Just curious, do you think whatever hypothetically was missing in the marriage your Husband can step up and at least generally address?

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My WH wishes so much that he still had the marriage he threw away. He has continuously said his affair was because of his issues and nothing to do with our marriage. For me, his affair completely took away that sweet innocence and specialness that we had. It changed everything. I look at old pictures differently. So many memories and times shared together tainted by my wondering if it was ever really true. Inside jokes now feel awkward. The thing is, he said all that stability at home was what allowed him to stray. He knew I loved him and never thought I would leave him. Without everything he was getting at home, what he got from his affair wouldn't have amounted to much. Peace on your journey.

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This makes me sad.

 

I hope you know that many WWs do realize that the feeling we were searching for so desperately was right in front of us all along.

 

 

 

There is no anger or sarcasm in what I am about to say - just being straight here about cake eating.

 

Is it "right there" with your husband? All of it there? Or does some reside still with each man in your life now.

 

You seem to be struggling (and I can understand this) discovering something - something more - with AP that is not present with your husband. You mourn this thing (sex, passion, whatever) - and are aware it exists at a higher level, outside your marriage and husband, but your worried now your going to loose the cake (family compatibility stability warm normal). How do you forget the icing - or find the icing now with your husband?

 

That's the issue - sometimes in some affairs - both WS and BS look at each other and realize the icing exists elsewhere... and can we live with having just cake - or live with.... being just the cake.

Edited by dichotomy
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I thought I was 'in love' and desired that feeling - now the A is over and my H may never be able to love me in that way again.

 

I felt special in the A - now my H knows he has shared me and logically knows that I am no longer special. I am not a catch. What H and I have has been smeared and defiled by another relationship.

 

I felt intimacy and a 'connection' during the A - that was killed by NC and now there is a huge divide between H and I that we will need to work very hard to overcome...if we can.

 

I felt intensely happy...ecstatic really....during the A - now my days are filled with sadness, regret, guilt, grief, depression and fear.

 

 

 

You take all the feelings that you have during an A and THEN try to go back to your M. You've created an experience that you can't help but compare to your real world. I was happy before the A; now everything falls short.

 

 

 

I have never been cheated on by my wife (that I know of) but if I even suspected she felt this way, let alone hear her say it, I don't know how I could ever even consider reconciliation.

 

If I heard her say was ecstatic during the A and now regretted being back to marital life, I don't know how I could ever do anything but walk away and start preparing the D papers.

 

I know Overit doesn't mean for things to be interpreted in this manner but this thread to me is just evidence that the M and the BS are nothing more than safety nets and fall-back plans for when the A doesn't pan out.

 

I know she doesn't mean it this way, but the only "regret" I am seeing here is that the A came to an end and that it is now back to the ho hum married life with the lackluster spouse they were dissatisfied with in the first place. .....only now it's even worse for both parties.

 

Very sad thread :-(

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Anyone ever notice that the very things we seek in an affair - we will lose?

 

I thought I was 'in love' and desired that feeling - now the A is over and my H may never be able to love me in that way again.

 

I felt special in the A - now my H knows he has shared me and logically knows that I am no longer special. I am not a catch. What H and I have has been smeared and defiled by another relationship.

 

I felt intimacy and a 'connection' during the A - that was killed by NC and now there is a huge divide between H and I that we will need to work very hard to overcome...if we can.

 

I felt intensely happy...ecstatic really....during the A - now my days are filled with sadness, regret, guilt, grief, depression and fear.

 

I wanted it 'both ways' during the A - my H for the family, companionship, and security; my AP for the passion, love, and excitement. Now, I may end up with neither.

 

You take all the feelings that you have during an A and THEN try to go back to your M. You've created an experience that you can't help but compare to your real world. I was happy before the A; now everything falls short.

 

It seems the things we hang on to so tightly, that we lie and cheat and deceive even ourselves to get, fall right through our fingers in the end.

 

If we could only have foresight and tell ourselves the truth - you have everything in your M. It might not be perfect, but we are fortunate, blessed. Why the discontent? Keep chasing stars and you will end up with nothing.

 

I hope everyone considering starting an affair reads your post. Anyone already in an affair probably won't care because they are not in the real world, they are in that fantasy land with rainbows and fluffy bunnies.

 

Just as you remind yourself of how special you felt during your affair, your husband can only think of just how betrayed he felt during that same period of time. You both have holes in your souls because you both died as a result of it. In fact you may be each others biggest triggers going forward should you decide to R.

 

The three strongest and most permanent memories I have and doubt that even death can take away from me are: watching her walk down the isle of the church in her beautiful wedding dress arm in arm with her father and holding the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, witnessing the birth of my children, the vision of her with her legs wrapped around the other man. Nothing but nothing will ever remove those visions from my mind.

 

Those that decide to R may eventually be able to function as a family again, the betrayed spouse will eventually get to a point of indifference and the pain becomes bearable enough to continue in the relationship. The betrayed spouse does this because of the immense love they have for the wayward spouse. Unfortunately some of us can never forgive such a betrayal and infidelity is an absolute deal breaker because deep down we know the imbalance created by the affair will always be the white elephant in the room. It will always be an imbalance. No one wins when you allow infidelity into your life because something of you has to be removed when you make room for it.

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lilmisscantbewrong

This thread is very poignant in many ways. Having been on both sides (the WW and then the BS) this is sad on many, many levels and truth.

 

 

Whatever choices any of us make, I just wish for peace - especially now. The holidays can be the worst for so many of us.

 

 

I try to focus on the NOW as much as I can - that helps and I know it helps my husband.

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Copelandsanity
Even though I'm the one who cheated, I am almost to the point where I feel like 'getting my needs met' is a bunch of crap. I think marriage was not designed to be self-serving.

 

I cheated, in spite of being generally happy. The sad thing is that the affair showed me some other things that I had been satisfied without before, because frankly, ignorance is bliss.

 

It's kind of like the 'old-fashioned' or Biblical idea of no sex before marriage. If you save yourself for ONE, and are faithful to that ONE, you will be happy - right? You won't know the difference. There are no comparisons.

 

I was just making a point in my original post that we hold so tightly onto certain 'feelings' in an A; we work so hard to hide and sneak around so we can maintain both relationships; yet it is all self-sabotage. At the end of the day, we may not have the A or our M.

 

You're right. Marriage is not designed to be self-serving. The point of marriage - and relationships in general - is to fulfill your partner's needs above your own. That is the only aspect that one can control and what one's focus should be on. If the quality of the relationship isn't where it should be, then there has to be communication between the two about defining needs and how to meet them.

 

If there is a positive out of all this, it's that you've made progress in personal growth. You've learned about yourself and your needs; you've learned about relationship dynamics. Yes, you lost your A and you may lose your M, but life doesn't end. You'll meet someone else and get to apply what you've learned to create a happy and fulfilling relationship.

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There is no anger or sarcasm in what I am about to say - just being straight here about cake eating.

 

Is it "right there" with your husband? All of it there? Or does some reside still with each man in your life now.

 

You seem to be struggling (and I can understand this) discovering something - something more - with AP that is not present with your husband. You mourn this thing (sex, passion, whatever) - and are aware it exists at a higher level, outside your marriage and husband, but your worried now your going to loose the cake (family compatibility stability warm normal). How do you forget the icing - or find the icing now with your husband?

 

That's the issue - sometimes in some affairs - both WS and BS look at each other and realize the icing exists elsewhere... and can we live with having just cake - or live with.... being just the cake.

 

Sure, I think the A created an experience I had not had for some time, and feelings I kind of forgot existed.

 

The problem is, I don't think there's TRUE happiness to be found in it. I think it's all emotions and drama and chasing a high. It might feel really good, but boy is it destructive. In recovery, even an addict will begin to see that what may have FELT good was actually terrible for him.

 

I realize it just doesn't help a BS much to hear this. What you would want to hear is that not only was it bad for us, but it felt bad too. Unfortunately, it can't feel totally bad, otherwise we wouldn't do it.

 

Maybe the thing that DOES help is to realize that the feelings in an A are just basic biology at work, except boiled down and intensified. That we are all technically susceptible (even if many of us wouldn't act on it). And give a relationship where potential sexual attraction exists a lot of time and proximity, it's pretty easy for something inappropriate to grow.

 

So my feeling about the cake and the icing is - you CAN have both and it CAN be with the same person. It's all about investing in the right relationship...the only one that can bring about TRUE happiness. And that's because you can only be happy when behaving in a way consistent with your values. I just don't think people can be deep-down happy without integrity.

 

There is danger in allowing the icing to come from somewhere else. You then think that's the only place to get it, but it's smoke and mirrors.

 

The sad part is if you both look at each other and begin to think the grass could be greener. Based on statistics, it's usually not.

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I have never been cheated on by my wife (that I know of) but if I even suspected she felt this way, let alone hear her say it, I don't know how I could ever even consider reconciliation.

 

If I heard her say was ecstatic during the A and now regretted being back to marital life, I don't know how I could ever do anything but walk away and start preparing the D papers.

 

I know Overit doesn't mean for things to be interpreted in this manner but this thread to me is just evidence that the M and the BS are nothing more than safety nets and fall-back plans for when the A doesn't pan out.

 

I know she doesn't mean it this way, but the only "regret" I am seeing here is that the A came to an end and that it is now back to the ho hum married life with the lackluster spouse they were dissatisfied with in the first place. .....only now it's even worse for both parties.

 

Very sad thread :-(

 

I'm sorry Oldshirt...it is sad, but not in the way I meant it to be. I was really writing from a 'hindsight is 20/20' view, in that we seek and work and grab for all these things, only to have NONE of them in the end. And I'm not so much grieving the loss of my A, but the loss of innocence. If we would just slow down and appreciate what we have, we wouldn't create our own life-altering problems. It's like holding something very fragile in your hand - hold it gently, care for it, treat it with kindness, and it flourishes. Squeeze, clamp down, try to stuff more in there and then hang on, it will die.

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Copelandsanity
Sure, I think the A created an experience I had not had for some time, and feelings I kind of forgot existed.

 

The problem is, I don't think there's TRUE happiness to be found in it. I think it's all emotions and drama and chasing a high. It might feel really good, but boy is it destructive. In recovery, even an addict will begin to see that what may have FELT good was actually terrible for him.

 

I realize it just doesn't help a BS much to hear this. What you would want to hear is that not only was it bad for us, but it felt bad too. Unfortunately, it can't feel totally bad, otherwise we wouldn't do it.

 

Maybe the thing that DOES help is to realize that the feelings in an A are just basic biology at work, except boiled down and intensified. That we are all technically susceptible (even if many of us wouldn't act on it). And give a relationship where potential sexual attraction exists a lot of time and proximity, it's pretty easy for something inappropriate to grow.

 

So my feeling about the cake and the icing is - you CAN have both and it CAN be with the same person. It's all about investing in the right relationship...the only one that can bring about TRUE happiness. And that's because you can only be happy when behaving in a way consistent with your values. I just don't think people can be deep-down happy without integrity.

 

There is danger in allowing the icing to come from somewhere else. You then think that's the only place to get it, but it's smoke and mirrors.

 

The sad part is if you both look at each other and begin to think the grass could be greener. Based on statistics, it's usually not.

 

I think it's commendable that you have grown as a person and are able to have these insights. Many WW remain in a seemingly perpetual fog and never progress as a person.

 

I think one additional aspect to recognize is that marriage is hard. It's work to make your partner #1 and to fulfill their needs at a high level. It's much easier and convenient to cheat. And like you stated, once the addiction sets in, it only results in destruction and ruins.

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I will add one other thing, in response to Dichotomy, Oldshirt, and others...

 

Those of us who have cheated may talk a lot about feelings and needs and other things that were gratified during the affair.

 

But the thing no one talks about (unless they lose it) is all the feelings and needs that are provided for in the marriage. Because those are things taken for granted.

 

We can't have it both ways. A choice must be made. If you choose the other side of the fence, you will lose everything that's already on your own grass...and because we have them (those 'needs' are met) we don't logically place as much value on them as things we may not have, or think we don't. Aside from certain and specific situations, most WWs and WHs determine that they prefer the side they're on. That it's actually better. And maybe if they spent their investment THERE, it could be even more.

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I'm sorry Oldshirt...it is sad, but not in the way I meant it to be. I was really writing from a 'hindsight is 20/20' view, in that we seek and work and grab for all these things, only to have NONE of them in the end. And I'm not so much grieving the loss of my A, but the loss of innocence. If we would just slow down and appreciate what we have, we wouldn't create our own life-altering problems. It's like holding something very fragile in your hand - hold it gently, care for it, treat it with kindness, and it flourishes. Squeeze, clamp down, try to stuff more in there and then hang on, it will die.

 

This still applies, I know I'm kinda jumping threads abit. Hold on to the fact that he is still there TODAY. Your situation isn't hindsight totally, you still have a great deal of control.

 

I like your thought process, it sounds healthy overall, the only fault I see is it seems you want it better now. Take it slow.

 

Interesting thing, people call what you did cake eating, I think it wasn't quite that. I think you've always known what you had with AP was and always would be limited and that your place was with your husband.

 

I will say this about hot sex and passion. You get out what you put in. I posted here before how we had sort-of an affair as we tried to hide our renewed sexual relationship from the kids. We have always had an amazing sex life, but when we were sneaking around with that taboo element it raised the level of passion and excitement. That is simple something that doesn't happen in marriage. You can have passion, but you can't have forbidden taboo level passion. Yet that won't push your wheel chair around the park, or change the dressing on your wound.

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This still applies, I know I'm kinda jumping threads abit. Hold on to the fact that he is still there TODAY. Your situation isn't hindsight totally, you still have a great deal of control.

 

I like your thought process, it sounds healthy overall, the only fault I see is it seems you want it better now. Take it slow.

 

Interesting thing, people call what you did cake eating, I think it wasn't quite that. I think you've always known what you had with AP was and always would be limited and that your place was with your husband.

 

I will say this about hot sex and passion. You get out what you put in. I posted here before how we had sort-of an affair as we tried to hide our renewed sexual relationship from the kids. We have always had an amazing sex life, but when we were sneaking around with that taboo element it raised the level of passion and excitement. That is simple something that doesn't happen in marriage. You can have passion, but you can't have forbidden taboo level passion. Yet that won't push your wheel chair around the park, or change the dressing on your wound.

 

 

Of course you make a good point here - sometimes its the taboo and freedom, that's a big thing. Sometimes as you say it is the bulk of the difference in passion. But sometimes as well there is simply different chemistry, part compatibility, what ever between different partners that can't be found (or put in) with another. I think old shirt called this the "x factor" or "XXX factor". You cant make this happen with another partner.

 

I think OP is being honest when she says she confesses OM brought some X factor in ways she had not had had. But she also realizes what her husband has (YZ factor?) over OM as well. The problem is what to do with this ? Which XYZ factors matter most? Was the x factor with OM even sustainable had she left for him?

 

I think she is facing compromise time -or perhaps refocusing factor xyz values - as is her BH.

 

But with you DTK3 grass is greener passionate sex was not really the issue with your wife and her OM... as I remember. You did not have to face this as much as other BH's - it was more about other things. Apples and orange's of pain and reconciliation issues

Edited by dichotomy
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I think its the key in any marriage when trying to keep the spark going is to introduce something exciting, new, taboo, etc.

 

 

And as an aside, sometimes its just the sheer fact that your simply not married to them or not in marriage that makes it exciting.

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Cheating is easy.....plenty of volunteers to cheat with you. As a woman I could go into any bar or club and go home with someone. Men outnumber women on cheating websites and there's no lack of single or married who are willing to make a woman feel special, if it's a part time relationship.

 

Funny thing was when I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well, he begged for a second chance. Months later I agreed to one session of marriage counselling and he was floored that I suggested an open marriage on both our parts as an alternative if we were to stay together. He flipped and was dead set against it. Most cheaters need that security of a faithful partner, god forbid there's a level playing field. The truth is, it's cake, it's an ego that craves attention.

 

Cheating or as some like to call it "affairs", is kind of like taking a holiday from reality without the consequence and maintaing control.

 

We only have one life to live, I prefer a real life as opposed to a fake one. I've been hit on so many times, I laughed it off. In hindsight, I realize they are plenty of people fishing and plenty of people who fall for the bait.

 

Nothing is sexier or more intimate than embracing reality. The happiest people are those who stick together through the good times and bad times. That's real love, maybe not Hollywood love, but as real as it gets.

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I will add one other thing, in response to Dichotomy, Oldshirt, and others...

 

Those of us who have cheated may talk a lot about feelings and needs and other things that were gratified during the affair.

 

But the thing no one talks about (unless they lose it) is all the feelings and needs that are provided for in the marriage. Because those are things taken for granted.

 

We can't have it both ways. A choice must be made. If you choose the other side of the fence, you will lose everything that's already on your own grass...and because we have them (those 'needs' are met) we don't logically place as much value on them as things we may not have, or think we don't. Aside from certain and specific situations, most WWs and WHs determine that they prefer the side they're on. That it's actually better. And maybe if they spent their investment THERE, it could be even more.

 

 

The truth is "It's only green where you water it." Only you control that outcome, your holding the hose. you and your spouse are in the same relationship but you chose a path without giving him a say in that choice. Here is where that path took you.

 

Thanks to her choices(in my situation) I am now doing things that I probably wouldn't have done with her perhaps because we were just too comfortable with each other. The other things I have experienced because of my new reality are several really amazing new relationships and some of the best mind blowing sex of my life. My art has improved immensely but at a cost I would have rather not had to pay. What is sad is I am about to realize the dreams we had dreamt together. The dreams are still a big part of who I am but I will now be sharing them with someone else. That was never part of the original plan and will always be at the back of my mind as a hollow sadness. That will always be my private thought. My wish was always to be with her and only her always.

 

There will always be someone with a bigger pond, a greener grass just as there will always be someone who is jealous of what the two of you have and will do whatever they can to take it. You control your own destiny and always have.

Edited by aliveagain
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