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I had an affair with a friend and need strength to get over it


Levelheadedgirl

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Levelheadedgirl

(How do I post this for replies, I'm new) I had to go on a trip with a friend who I have always been in awe of for a while but NEVER had anything but platonic affection for. Recently I went for a trip with him and the proximity and amazing experiences on the trip resulted in me getting infatuated with him. I got back a little shaken as I haven't ever had any feelings for anyone other than my husband of 11 years.

 

I guess this friend (I will call him V) also felt something as the next time i was with him on another trip (he organizes adventure travel groups), he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. He pursued me till I gave in and we were physical a few times but the real euphoria was all the suggestive texting, stolen moments etc. I was struggling from the start with the morality of what I was doing, dug really deep and broke it off although I couldn't do NC. I recommitted to my husband meanwhile and it did get better with hubby but there were weak moments of texting with V.

 

I saw him again a few days back and all this strength I had found to be away from him melted and all I wanted was to extend my time with him. I have been getting in touch with him and he responds warmly mostly but sometimes says things that make me go weak in the knees again. My husband is a great guy, I love him, I want to really just be with him like I was before but it's like a whole new world of passion opened up in my life and Im having a hard time letting it go. I really want to so today I deleted all of Vs numbers etc so I wouldn't voluntarily get in touch with him as my impulse in my weak moments gets the better of me. I'm posting this here to get some positive affirmation and about doing the right thing and letting go.

 

I understand how addictive it is to have someone tell you things that will make you feel more ALIVE than ever before and not to mention V awoke me to whole new physical pleasures that I never had with my hubby as he is not at all sexual no even after trying to talk to my hubby about what I want or what we should try, he has become lazy when it comes to sex and just doesn't care. I was used to coping with this earlier as I just accepted that the lust and passion phase of my life was over but being with V changed all that.

 

I know I may never get the kind of passion from you husband and so I'm having a hard time letting V go. I understand how powerful lust can be and its making me do things I shouldn't be doing but God it feels so GOOD and it's so difficult to let your head take over when your emotions are pulling you in a different direction.

 

But I want to end this feeling. NC is not an option as we will be ineach others lives for a long time so I just need strength to suck it up and not act out on my feelings for V. Help!

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From everything you posted here - especially the "NC not an option" - I would advise just continuing the affair. You may love your husband, but it sounds like your just used to being with him and it's comfortable to have the security and companionship your marriage gives you. But sex & excitement? Forget it. Enjoy all the time you can carve out for your OM and don't feel guilty. You are entitled to have your cake and eat it too so you just go girl.

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(How do I post this for replies, I'm new) I had to go on a trip with a friend who I have always been in awe of for a while but NEVER had anything but platonic affection for. Recently I went for a trip with him and the proximity and amazing experiences on the trip resulted in me getting infatuated with him. I got back a little shaken as I haven't ever had any feelings for anyone other than my husband of 11 years.

 

I guess this friend (I will call him V) also felt something as the next time i was with him on another trip (he organizes adventure travel groups), he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. He pursued me till I gave in and we were physical a few times but the real euphoria was all the suggestive texting, stolen moments etc. I was struggling from the start with the morality of what I was doing, dug really deep and broke it off although I couldn't do NC. I recommitted to my husband meanwhile and it did get better with hubby but there were weak moments of texting with V.

 

I saw him again a few days back and all this strength I had found to be away from him melted and all I wanted was to extend my time with him. I have been getting in touch with him and he responds warmly mostly but sometimes says things that make me go weak in the knees again. My husband is a great guy, I love him, I want to really just be with him like I was before but it's like a whole new world of passion opened up in my life and Im having a hard time letting it go. I really want to so today I deleted all of Vs numbers etc so I wouldn't voluntarily get in touch with him as my impulse in my weak moments gets the better of me. I'm posting this here to get some positive affirmation and about doing the right thing and letting go.

 

I understand how addictive it is to have someone tell you things that will make you feel more ALIVE than ever before and not to mention V awoke me to whole new physical pleasures that I never had with my hubby as he is not at all sexual no even after trying to talk to my hubby about what I want or what we should try, he has become lazy when it comes to sex and just doesn't care. I was used to coping with this earlier as I just accepted that the lust and passion phase of my life was over but being with V changed all that.

 

I know I may never get the kind of passion from you husband and so I'm having a hard time letting V go. I understand how powerful lust can be and its making me do things I shouldn't be doing but God it feels so GOOD and it's so difficult to let your head take over when your emotions are pulling you in a different direction.

 

But I want to end this feeling. NC is not an option as we will be ineach others lives for a long time so I just need strength to suck it up and not act out on my feelings for V. Help!

 

Wow yet another classic case of somebody needing to tell their spouse what's going on. You tried to end the affair by yourself and it didn't work. The whole live with the guilt and recommit to the spouse flat out does not work. Why? Because you still allow the AP to take up space in your head. What you need is a dose of reality and the best way to do that is coming clean. What would you do if your husband found out by other means what happened? You can't keep running away from e consequences of your actions. Other posters in your position have tried the exact same thing and they are finding that nothing is changing. Seeing as if it's the holidays, I would not tell now, especially if you have kids. However, once the new year rolls around, you need to come clean. Also, NC has to be your only option. The longer this guy is in your life, the more you risk your marriage. You have to ask yourself what means more to you? Please make the right decision.

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"he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage"

 

 

That sounds like a nice little setup there. So he tells you the things you thirst for so he gets what he wants "sex" and you get what you want "emotional support" and you two live happily ever after while jabbing the knife in your spouses hearts that you committed to oh so long ago. Would you forgive you husband right now if he found his own little petri dish of women on the side?

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Wow yet another classic case of somebody needing to tell their spouse what's going on. You tried to end the affair by yourself and it didn't work. The whole live with the guilt and recommit to the spouse flat out does not work. Why? Because you still allow the AP to take up space in your head. What you need is a dose of reality and the best way to do that is coming clean. What would you do if your husband found out by other means what happened? You can't keep running away from e consequences of your actions. Other posters in your position have tried the exact same thing and they are finding that nothing is changing. Seeing as if it's the holidays, I would not tell now, especially if you have kids. However, once the new year rolls around, you need to come clean. Also, NC has to be your only option. The longer this guy is in your life, the more you risk your marriage. You have to ask yourself what means more to you? Please make the right decision.

 

If she comes clean her marriage is very likely over.

Is it worth upsetting everyone for someone who perhaps is an old hand at this, and for what is probably going to be a short term fling.

"he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. "

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If she comes clean her marriage is very likely over.

Is it worth upsetting everyone for someone who perhaps is an old hand at this, and for what is probably going to be a short term fling.

"he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. "

 

Would she care if her husband found his own flings? Why live in a one sided open marriage? Why not extend the same opportunity?

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But I want to end this feeling. NC is not an option as we will be ineach others lives for a long time so I just need strength to suck it up and not act out on my feelings for V. Help!

 

No one can "help" you except yourself.

 

If you want to end this feeling you only have two options.

 

1. NC (why do you say it's not an option? It always is. NC is a choice)

2. Tell your husband and he has a say together in the path forward

 

Now challenge me or tell me what else you could do. If you're looking for support and validation that what you're doing is the correct, that will be hard to find.

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If she comes clean her marriage is very likely over.

Is it worth upsetting everyone for someone who perhaps is an old hand at this, and for what is probably going to be a short term fling.

"he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. "

 

I'm so sick of people having this mindset. Revealing the truth wouldn't be the thing that killed the marriage. The fact that she cheated did. Her husband is currently living a lie. I know some people that would be happy to live this way, but the vast majority of people would want to know if their spouses are cheating on them. Cheating is selfish. Cheating and keeping it to yourself because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions is not only selfish, it's cravenous. Let people make decisions on what they want to do with their own lives.

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(How do I post this for replies, I'm new) I had to go on a trip with a friend who I have always been in awe of for a while but NEVER had anything but platonic affection for. Recently I went for a trip with him and the proximity and amazing experiences on the trip resulted in me getting infatuated with him. I got back a little shaken as I haven't ever had any feelings for anyone other than my husband of 11 years.

 

I guess this friend (I will call him V) also felt something as the next time i was with him on another trip (he organizes adventure travel groups), he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. He pursued me till I gave in and we were physical a few times but the real euphoria was all the suggestive texting, stolen moments etc. I was struggling from the start with the morality of what I was doing, dug really deep and broke it off although I couldn't do NC. I recommitted to my husband meanwhile and it did get better with hubby but there were weak moments of texting with V.

 

I saw him again a few days back and all this strength I had found to be away from him melted and all I wanted was to extend my time with him. I have been getting in touch with him and he responds warmly mostly but sometimes says things that make me go weak in the knees again. My husband is a great guy, I love him, I want to really just be with him like I was before but it's like a whole new world of passion opened up in my life and Im having a hard time letting it go. I really want to so today I deleted all of Vs numbers etc so I wouldn't voluntarily get in touch with him as my impulse in my weak moments gets the better of me. I'm posting this here to get some positive affirmation and about doing the right thing and letting go.

 

I understand how addictive it is to have someone tell you things that will make you feel more ALIVE than ever before and not to mention V awoke me to whole new physical pleasures that I never had with my hubby as he is not at all sexual no even after trying to talk to my hubby about what I want or what we should try, he has become lazy when it comes to sex and just doesn't care. I was used to coping with this earlier as I just accepted that the lust and passion phase of my life was over but being with V changed all that.

 

I know I may never get the kind of passion from you husband and so I'm having a hard time letting V go. I understand how powerful lust can be and its making me do things I shouldn't be doing but God it feels so GOOD and it's so difficult to let your head take over when your emotions are pulling you in a different direction.

 

But I want to end this feeling. NC is not an option as we will be ineach others lives for a long time so I just need strength to suck it up and not act out on my feelings for V. Help!

 

 

 

You're being played. It's obvious this guy is a player and you're one of many who fall for his "let's get it on but not disturb your marriage". Basically, he gets a kick out of having sex with a married woman. I wouldn't be surprised he uses the same sexy texts to many women.

 

I wonder if you'd feel so alive and special if you knew you were just one of many conquests.

 

Imagine if you called him and said you told your husband about this great affair you're having and you want to move in with him. Odds are you'd be dust as he distances himself from you.

 

You're high on a huge ego burst, but really....it's just a game and you've been played.

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Just because this experience is new for you, does not mean it's a brand new experience.

 

You have had sex and emotionally bonded with another man.

 

The only, only chance you have here to save your marriage without your husband finding out is to go complete NC. You will desire this man endlessly until you finish it. You are also on a ticking clock. The longer this affair goes on, physical or emotional the greater the chances of your husband finding out. And he will.

 

There is no simple solution here. There is no magic chocolate you can eat to make your choice easier.

 

This charmer you have fallen for has made it clear he only wants you for sex. He will not be there for you when you separate from your husband.

 

You could try seeing a counsellor to help you through this, but ultimately you have to make the decision. Ultimately this relationship will end, the tears and heartbreak and upset that you (and possibly your husband) will have to go through can only be negated by finishing and going NC as soon as possible.

 

This will end in tears though. So be prepared.

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This charmer you have fallen for has made it clear he only wants you for sex. He will not be there for you when you separate from your husband.

That's all she want's him for too. She's as much a player as he is and she's getting what she wants from him.

This will end in tears though. So be prepared.

More chance he will be the one in tears than she will. This is all fun & sex for her.

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If she comes clean her marriage is very likely over.

Is it worth upsetting everyone for someone who perhaps is an old hand at this, and for what is probably going to be a short term fling.

"he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. "

 

Her marriage is over...it's just that her husband doesn't know it yet. It's odd how you seem to have no empathy for her husband. It's as though you support deceit.

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Soon you'll be justifying your actions by making out your marriage isn't up to scratch and your betrayed husband is some sort of evil felon, because he doesn't kiss your arse the same way this new guy does. You think your husband won't sense what's up? I predict you're attitude has already changed towards your BH now you got the other man. Soon you'll be starting weird unnecessary arguments in order to flee to the OM and to feel better about your sneaky hook ups. Have you already begun to treat him a little more like crap, since now you got a fall back man to run to? Poor guy. Why waste his time? Just leave.

 

You're ruining your marriage, wether you feel it's harmless or not at this point. Good luck for weeks, months or years of living a double life full of lies and deception.

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What vile, selfish and disturbed individual would do this to someone they thought they loved? You are going to be divorced, and it won't be pretty.

Imagine your husband doing all the intimate things you're letting this guy do to you, inside you, with another woman who is definitely getting his better side. What if he got her pregnant by not using protection, in fact what if he left you because he loved her.......hopefully thing will bring some pang of remorse for the selfish acts you've been committing here.

 

 

He deserves better, cut him free and you can carry on destroying your moral worth.

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(How do I post this for replies, I'm new) I had to go on a trip with a friend who I have always been in awe of for a while but NEVER had anything but platonic affection for. Recently I went for a trip with him and the proximity and amazing experiences on the trip resulted in me getting infatuated with him. I got back a little shaken as I haven't ever had any feelings for anyone other than my husband of 11 years.

 

I guess this friend (I will call him V) also felt something as the next time i was with him on another trip (he organizes adventure travel groups), he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage. He pursued me till I gave in and we were physical a few times but the real euphoria was all the suggestive texting, stolen moments etc. I was struggling from the start with the morality of what I was doing, dug really deep and broke it off although I couldn't do NC. I recommitted to my husband meanwhile and it did get better with hubby but there were weak moments of texting with V.

 

I saw him again a few days back and all this strength I had found to be away from him melted and all I wanted was to extend my time with him. I have been getting in touch with him and he responds warmly mostly but sometimes says things that make me go weak in the knees again. My husband is a great guy, I love him, I want to really just be with him like I was before but it's like a whole new world of passion opened up in my life and Im having a hard time letting it go. I really want to so today I deleted all of Vs numbers etc so I wouldn't voluntarily get in touch with him as my impulse in my weak moments gets the better of me. I'm posting this here to get some positive affirmation and about doing the right thing and letting go.

 

I understand how addictive it is to have someone tell you things that will make you feel more ALIVE than ever before and not to mention V awoke me to whole new physical pleasures that I never had with my hubby as he is not at all sexual no even after trying to talk to my hubby about what I want or what we should try, he has become lazy when it comes to sex and just doesn't care. I was used to coping with this earlier as I just accepted that the lust and passion phase of my life was over but being with V changed all that.

 

I know I may never get the kind of passion from you husband and so I'm having a hard time letting V go. I understand how powerful lust can be and its making me do things I shouldn't be doing but God it feels so GOOD and it's so difficult to let your head take over when your emotions are pulling you in a different direction.

 

But I want to end this feeling. NC is not an option as we will be ineach others lives for a long time so I just need strength to suck it up and not act out on my feelings for V. Help!

 

 

We exist in marriage to give ourselves to our spouse and inspire passion in them. You have to inspire the passion in your husband that you want back from him. He isn't slouching for nothing. If you've talked to your husband about trying new things in bed...you also have to inspire it. Get dirty with him, make him want to do that new thing to you out of the burning inside him instead of just explaining in a business like way what he 'needs' to be doing that he is not. It probably intimidates him more.

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I know I may never get the kind of passion from you husband and so I'm having a hard time letting V go.

 

Well, have you actually TRIED? he is probably pretty bored with the married sex too. How about really trying to get some wall pounding romantic sex going at home?? What do you have to lose?

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he outright told me that he wants me and that I should consider being with him while not disturbing my marriage.

 

At least V is honest. He wants sex but not you.

 

 

Let’s see, V gets romantic trips with sex and your husband gets to take care of you when you’re sick. V was very thoughtful to suggest it. What a guy.

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I'm so sick of people having this mindset. Revealing the truth wouldn't be the thing that killed the marriage. The fact that she cheated did. Her husband is currently living a lie. I know some people that would be happy to live this way, but the vast majority of people would want to know if their spouses are cheating on them. Cheating is selfish. Cheating and keeping it to yourself because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions is not only selfish, it's cravenous. Let people make decisions on what they want to do with their own lives.

 

*******************************************************************

 

THE TRUTH DOES NOT DESTROY ANYTHING... Lies ,Deceit and Betrayal destroy a marriage....YOU MADE A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place...

 

As a BH I would want to know.... anything less ,,,you are a coward and a cake eater.. NOW YOU ARE BOTH....

 

TELL YOUR HUSBAND...then tell us how GREAT THE AFFAIR IS!!!

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Look, this is like talking to a smoker. Quitting smoking isn't the easiest thing, but its completely doable if you want to do it. There are plenty of reasons why should stop and plenty of resources to help you quit, but unless you want to, it's not going to happen.

 

Everyone on here can give you advice, but it doesn't matter because you're selfish. You can't stop, you won't confess, won't go NC, yada yada. There are no magic words here anyone can give you, you just have to stop.

 

You're not the first selfish, deceitful, cheating wife to ever walk the face of planet. And just like the smoking thing, you aren't going to stop until you're faced with severe consequences.

 

Congratulations. You just ruined your husband's life and well being over a guy who just wants a nice side piece. Enjoy your future life as the ex-cheating cat lady. I'm sure OM, your ex-husband and his new wife will have a good laugh over a beer one day.

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But I want to end this feeling. NC is not an option as we will be ineach others lives for a long time so I just need strength to suck it up and not act out on my feelings for V. Help!

 

 

This is the most ridiculous thing I've seen someone post here.

 

 

It's equivalent to an addict saying: "I don't want to be addicted anymore, but crack is going to be in my life for a long time, so I just need strength to suck it up, and not act on my addiction."

 

 

This passage pretty much shows you don't want to repair things with your spouse. And, you're probably lying about any repairs you've attempted in your marriage. In your mind you're telling yourself this so you feel less guilt.

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Her marriage is over...it's just that her husband doesn't know it yet. It's odd how you seem to have no empathy for her husband. It's as though you support deceit.

 

I am offering a pragmatic approach. I have every sympathy for the husband and that is why I wish to spare him years of reproach and heart ache over an affair that is most likely meaningless and will have blown over in weeks, if it is not already over.

I am all for the truth, but sometimes the truth is just too painful, and I believe sometimes for the benefit of others, the truth needs buried.

 

The OP has realised this situation is madness, and is choosing her marriage, which is fair enough.

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I am offering a pragmatic approach. I have every sympathy for the husband and that is why I wish to spare him years of reproach and heart ache over an affair that is most likely meaningless and will have blown over in weeks, if it is not already over.

I am all for the truth, but sometimes the truth is just too painful, and I believe sometimes for the benefit of others, the truth needs buried.

 

The OP has realised this situation is madness, and is choosing her marriage, which is fair enough.

 

Elaine if the affair is over with, then why is she posting on here. Like I said, maybe this guy rather live in ignorance. Personally I wouldnt. I would rather live with the harshness of reality rather than an illusion. Also, read her post again. The affair is meaningless to the guy she is banging, but obviously it means something to her. Most women do not cheat unless there is some type of emotion involved. If that was the case, then it would have been an ONS, not an affair.

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How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? I suggest:

1. Tell your husband the truth.

2. Have you and your husband get tested for STD's.

 

What you are doing to your husband is playing him for a fool.

 

The fact that your OM said to keep having sex with him and not disturb the marriage says it all. He is using you for sex and that is it. You are the one who is really the fool.

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Elaine if the affair is over with, then why is she posting on here. Like I said, maybe this guy rather live in ignorance. Personally I wouldnt. I would rather live with the harshness of reality rather than an illusion. Also, read her post again. The affair is meaningless to the guy she is banging, but obviously it means something to her. Most women do not cheat unless there is some type of emotion involved. If that was the case, then it would have been an ONS, not an affair.

 

This is pure and simple lust, this is not "love" to the OP. Lust doesn't necessarily mean a ONS.

I know I may never get the kind of passion from my husband and so I'm having a hard time letting V go. I understand how powerful lust can be and its making me do things I shouldn't be doing but God it feels so GOOD and it's so difficult to let your head take over when your emotions are pulling you in a different direction.

 

She is lost in a temporary lust filled paradise, not lost in "love".

And that is why, she needs to keep schtum here. If this develops and she cannot give V up then of course tell the husband, but ruining his life seems a hefty price for a fling that will run its course in a very short period of time.

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