Jump to content

Are fantasies of violence towards OW/OM normal


DbleBetrayal

Recommended Posts

I know the source of fault should always lay with the WH/WW as it is they who owe the BS loyalty. (Though in my case the OW also owed me loyalty- as she was meant to be my best friend).

 

Neitherless, does anyone have an overwhelming desire to commit violent acts or vandalise OW/OM property? I do, and it's really undesirable. I think about putting on a ski mask and knocking at her door with a cricket bat and wacking her in the face when she opens the door. Not enough to knock her out or die (i'm not psycho), but enough to at least require her to get a nose job or a few crowns. My other one was to simply spray pain obscenities all over her car.

 

I've even had dreams that were quite violent with her in them, but when ever I go for the big punch to her noggin- I wake up punching the wall next to the bed. It's quite frustrating and unsettling. I don't like having these thoughts or dreams. It's not good for my stress levels, however- to think she played a part in putting me through so much mental hell and just gets away with it like it was nothing.. well it really pisses me off.

 

Anyone else preoccupied with thoughts like this? Has anyone actually acted on it? How did you feel after. Don't worry, I'm going to get counselling on the 4th December, so my shrink will talk it out with me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know the source of fault should always lay with the WH/WW as it is they who owe the BS loyalty. (Though in my case the OW also owed me loyalty- as she was meant to be my best friend).

 

Neitherless, does anyone have an overwhelming desire to commit violent acts or vandalise OW/OM property? I do, and it's really undesirable. I think about putting on a ski mask and knocking at her door with a cricket bat and wacking her in the face when she opens the door. Not enough to knock her out or die (i'm not psycho), but enough to at least require her to get a nose job or a few crowns. My other one was to simply spray pain obscenities all over her car.

 

I've even had dreams that were quite violent with her in them, but when ever I go for the big punch to her noggin- I wake up punching the wall next to the bed. It's quite frustrating and unsettling. I don't like having these thoughts or dreams. It's not good for my stress levels, however- to think she played a part in putting me through so much mental hell and just gets away with it like it was nothing.. well it really pisses me off.

 

Anyone else preoccupied with thoughts like this? Has anyone actually acted on it? How did you feel after. Don't worry, I'm going to get counselling on the 4th December, so my shrink will talk it out with me.

 

Former OM here. I used to talk about my worries about this exact topic with MW. There were assurances that nothing would happen, or that she would own up to it.

 

I even had dreams in my sleep of him in a physical confrontation. It wasn't pleasant. Then ultimately I realized that I was having these worries because I would be doing those things if I was at the other end of the stick.

 

So I think your thoughts are quite normal. I wouldn't recommend acting out on them... but I think it's okay to think about it.

 

I'm sorry for all the things you're going through.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I was OW. My guys ex has said these same things. I think it is pretty normal to have those thoughts. The problem is, it really is not good for you emotionally or physically and could make you you sick. Find some way of relieving the stress whether it be yoga, kick boxing or anything in between.

 

If you can't find your way past it, seek the help of a therapist. You do not want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is normal to hate the OM/OW and want the karma truck to run them over and back up and repeat running over them many times.

 

 

However it is not worth the criminal and civil penalties to take action against the AP.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Doubly amazing how I am left the one who has to seek counselling to deal with these emotions made by other peoples (and not just anyone old peoples) thoughtless impulses.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course it is.

 

I had day dreams of a bunch of hired goons (got to keep my alibi :cool:) picking up OM and strapping him to a chair in an abandoned warehouse, while I video conference in and.. :eek::rolleyes::cool:

 

OM/OW's come in all flavors - but some are predatory in nature, just lacking in moral compass, character disordered...those you wish some ...justice in the world would hit them.

 

The best you can hope for is some karma - and then focus on yourself living a good life.

 

There is one thing I know that OM (and another ex of my wife - kinda OM) has missed out on - the love and respect of children.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am struggling to comprehend this animosity towards the OM/OW when the primary source of the trouble is surely the WS.

The OM/OW can be caught up in the web of lies and false promises in exactly the same way as the BS is.

There is a person in common here, a person that is happy to flout rules, lie and cheat, maybe the burden of blame should be firmly placed on the WS, no?

 

The OM/OW may be predatory, but is it not the way of the world, that all's fair in love and war.

It appears to me that some OM/OW are completely free agents and thus can do what they like, there are no ties that bind them, nor rules they HAVE to obey, the WS on the other hand...

 

It seems to me that many BSs are happy to shift the blame away from their own front door, when IMV the real guilty party is sleeping right beside them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi DbleBetrayal,

 

I think the thoughts are pretty normal. You were also dealing with a supposed best friend as well. So you have two people you care or cared about in your life that both did things to you that were unimaginable and showed 0 respect to you.

 

I am struggling to comprehend this animosity towards the OM/OW when the primary source of the trouble is surely the WS.

The OM/OW can be caught up in the web of lies and false promises in exactly the same way as the BS is.

There is a person in common here, a person that is happy to flout rules, lie and cheat, maybe the burden of blame should be firmly placed on the WS, no?

 

The OM/OW may be predatory, but is it not the way of the world, that all's fair in love and war.

It appears to me that some OM/OW are completely free agents and thus can do what they like, there are no ties that bind them, nor rules they HAVE to obey, the WS on the other hand...

 

It seems to me that many BSs are happy to shift the blame away from their own front door, when IMV the real guilty party is sleeping right beside them.

 

I don't love the OM. The guy I'm dealing with at least is a weak little home wrecker who would probably cower in a corner if I physically confronted him. If you want to play with somebody else's property you should resign yourself to the fact that at some point you're going to have to pay the piper. I pondered hard about showing up to his house but decided against it. He's definitely the type to not confront the situation and call the cops the second he saw me banging on his door yelling for him to come outside.

 

The only way I'd be able to confront him is while he was out and about. He's a tool bag. I'll also say this. I did not shift any blame from my wife. She's 50% guilty. In fact, I find her more guilty since we WERE supposed to be in love and married. That alone should have prevented this mess. Looking back at who she is as a person this doesn't surprise me at all. We both come from two different backgrounds.

 

Here popularity in high school wasn't great. I was a social person in high school who had many friends, girlfriends across a handful of different social circles. Her past I'm sure is a good reflection of who she is as a person. I broke out of my own circle in my early twenties and we dated. I didn't usually date girls like her but she seemed nice and we had some things in common. In fact, too much in common.

 

She learned how to adapt to the people she liked to put on a persona of something she really isn't. I learned this later on down the road when the TRUE her came busting out. She slowly stopped liking my stuff and the stuff she really enjoyed came out. I'm not saying this is bad, I'm just saying there seemed to be an underlying issue. I noticed this with her affair as well. I have always liked sports. She HATED it.

 

This other guy likes sports as well. When I caught on to her affair I noticed a few sports apps on her phone. She obviously kept track to keep this as a conversation piece to the OM to make herself more appealing to him. I get it because I WAS THERE BEFORE. Sorry for the thread HJ.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Doubly amazing how I am left the one who has to seek counselling to deal with these emotions made by other peoples (and not just anyone old peoples) thoughtless impulses.

 

This is what every BS has to deal with when reconciling. It is unfortunate. Not saying the WS has to put their own efforts in. But I understand most of their mentality. The mission for them is easy in a sense of showing support and action while we have to suffer in a mental torture chamber for years and revisit their screwups ever so ofter when things trigger us in our normal every day activities.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am struggling to comprehend this animosity towards the OM/OW when the primary source of the trouble is surely the WS.

The OM/OW can be caught up in the web of lies and false promises in exactly the same way as the BS is.

There is a person in common here, a person that is happy to flout rules, lie and cheat, maybe the burden of blame should be firmly placed on the WS, no?

 

The OM/OW may be predatory, but is it not the way of the world, that all's fair in love and war.

It appears to me that some OM/OW are completely free agents and thus can do what they like, there are no ties that bind them, nor rules they HAVE to obey, the WS on the other hand...

 

It seems to me that many BSs are happy to shift the blame away from their own front door, when IMV the real guilty party is sleeping right beside them.

 

I think both people can be found to be guilty of lacking just simple common decency. Certainly the WS is guilty of violating their agreement with the BS. But unless they were unknowing, the other person is also guilty of helping in the betrayal. To me, they're like a getaway driver in a robbery. They may not have pointed a gun in anyone's face but they knew exactly what was up and supported it.

 

Long story short, I'm perfectly capable of being pissed at both people simultaneously. I don't need to choose one over the other.

 

OP, you're perfectly normal. But as you're smart enough to know, the violent fantasies don't do much for you.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll also say this. I did not shift any blame from my wife. She's 50% guilty. In fact, I find her more guilty since we WERE supposed to be in love and married.

 

Is she not 100% guilty as she was the one married to you?

 

If you want to play with somebody else's property you should resign yourself to the fact that at some point you're going to have to pay the piper.

She is not your "property", she has a choice here, she is a human being, and SHE made the choice to cheat, he "stole" nothing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Is she not 100% guilty as she was the one married to you?

 

 

She is not your "property", she has a choice here, she is a human being, and SHE made the choice to cheat, he "stole" nothing.

 

I have to shift the blame to him as well. It was his mission to loosen her up over a period of time. How can I not blame him? So that's an ok thing to do? If I go around the office to all the married women and loosened them up to the point where they felt comfortable to have an affair with me is that ok to do? Listen, of course she's not my property. But there's a guy code where you just don't do that crap. Yes, he helped steal something. He helped steal my happiness. I hope he rots in hell and his wife tosses him in the trash can like she should have done a long time ago.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have to shift the blame to him as well. It was his mission to loosen her up over a period of time. How can I not blame him? So that's an ok thing to do? If I go around the office to all the married women and loosened them up to the point where they felt comfortable to have an affair with me is that ok to do?

 

People can only loosen up those who want to be loosened up, surely?

I am certain some he attempted to "loosen up", told him to get lost.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Like I said, yeah WH bears the brunt of the blame. I know that. He hasn't gotten away with it so easily. He knows that. I definitely know that. However, this b*tch is probably getting a foot massage right now-not even batting an eyelid on what she did. Didn't learn jack squat. Hell no.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am struggling to comprehend this animosity towards the OM/OW when the primary source of the trouble is surely the WS.

The OM/OW can be caught up in the web of lies and false promises in exactly the same way as the BS is.

There is a person in common here, a person that is happy to flout rules, lie and cheat, maybe the burden of blame should be firmly placed on the WS, no?

 

The OM/OW may be predatory, but is it not the way of the world, that all's fair in love and war.

It appears to me that some OM/OW are completely free agents and thus can do what they like, there are no ties that bind them, nor rules they HAVE to obey, the WS on the other hand...

 

It seems to me that many BSs are happy to shift the blame away from their own front door, when IMV the real guilty party is sleeping right beside them.

 

Do you feel the Om/ow has no responsibility? If that is the case why do most not want to be exposed when an affair is discovered? Just curious. Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

DblBetrayal,

I am sorry for your pain. I have been there and it's not a nice place to be.

 

Are fantasies of violence towards OW/OM normal

 

Absolutely.

 

So are violent fantasies against the WS.

 

However, if you have any inclination to act on them, then you need to seek counselling.

 

Good Luck.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow
I have to shift the blame to him as well. It was his mission to loosen her up over a period of time. How can I not blame him? So that's an ok thing to do? If I go around the office to all the married women and loosened them up to the point where they felt comfortable to have an affair with me is that ok to do? Listen, of course she's not my property. But there's a guy code where you just don't do that crap. Yes, he helped steal something. He helped steal my happiness. I hope he rots in hell and his wife tosses him in the trash can like she should have done a long time ago.

 

 

This makes no sense to me I see this so much here with BS saying their spouse was tempted. Regardless of how much attention he gave her, sweet things he said to her, your wife had solid boundaries AKA your marriage. You should ask did he really loosen something that wasn't already loose. He didn't drag her to a hotel and open her legs. She was receptive to his advances. She willingly slept with him. From the beginning had your wife said I am married and not interested and she continued to say this to him he affair would have never happened

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm definitely not going to counselling to talk about this topic. No point, I'm well aware that it's not right. It's not important enough to discuss compared to other things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing
I am struggling to comprehend this animosity towards the OM/OW when the primary source of the trouble is surely the WS.

The OM/OW can be caught up in the web of lies and false promises in exactly the same way as the BS is.

There is a person in common here, a person that is happy to flout rules, lie and cheat, maybe the burden of blame should be firmly placed on the WS, no?

 

The OM/OW may be predatory, but is it not the way of the world, that all's fair in love and war.

It appears to me that some OM/OW are completely free agents and thus can do what they like, there are no ties that bind them, nor rules they HAVE to obey, the WS on the other hand...

 

It seems to me that many BSs are happy to shift the blame away from their own front door, when IMV the real guilty party is sleeping right beside them.

 

 

We all get to choose how we enter someone's life.

 

A WS has shown love, respect, caring, towards their BS in their relationship. There are many more interactions that they have had...the WS has shown many sides of themselves.

 

For most AP they entered the BS world swinging a sledgehammer at them. They showed nothing but disrespect, lack of empathy, selfishness....and a total disregard for the BS emotional, physical, mental well being.

 

How else would you view someone who came out swinging at you? Why would one view them anything other than what they have shown?

 

How many people sit there waiting for the next blow...when they feel like they are being attacked by a stranger?

 

Unless an AP was lied to about the WS being married, they willingly engaged in an affair, that all functioning adults know are painful/disrespectful to the BS and cause family break ups.

 

Being married is the only lie that excuses an AP responsibility.

 

Any other "lie" was just the justification used to permit themselves to hurt another person.

 

When a married person complains about the state of their marriage the reasonable, appropriate response is to tell them to invest in MC. Not become their therapists or sleep with them.

 

And to your view that all is fair in love and war. There are many former leaders who were held accountable for taking that very view. I believe most of them were sentence to death for that view.

Edited by AlwaysGrowing
  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you feel the Om/ow has no responsibility? If that is the case why do most not want to be exposed when an affair is discovered? Just curious. Thanks.

 

I am not saying the OM/OW has NO responsibility for the mess.

BUT no-one forces any WS into an affair and thus I feel they are 100% to blame for their actions IMO.

Not 50%, not 75% - 100%.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This makes no sense to me I see this so much here with BS saying their spouse was tempted. Regardless of how much attention he gave her, sweet things he said to her, your wife had solid boundaries AKA your marriage. You should ask did he really loosen something that wasn't already loose. He didn't drag her to a hotel and open her legs. She was receptive to his advances. She willingly slept with him. From the beginning had your wife said I am married and not interested and she continued to say this to him he affair would have never happened

 

All marriages have their ups and downs. If I walked around this office and preyed on all the married women here I could almost guarantee being successful with a lot of them. All it takes is my awesome smile, an ear for them to moan about the things missing from their marriages and my sensitive words and actions that will convey a message to them that if they hopped on my side of the tracks I'll satisfy them both emotionally and physically. Anyways, if you did or do have kids how would you feel if they were loosened up or pressured by a drug dealer into trying their product which would lead them into addiction? It's their own free will right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am not saying the OM/OW has NO responsibility for the mess.

BUT no-one forces any WS into an affair and thus I feel they are 100% to blame for their actions IMO.

Not 50%, not 75% - 100%.

 

I completely blamed my h. I always say he was the home wrecker and she was just the cheap tool he used to do it. I think when people are assigning blame, they are usually talking about the affair. I don't think they are saying the ap should take responsibility for the WS' actions or choices. One can not make another stay loyal nor can one make another cheat.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
All marriages have their ups and downs. If I walked around this office and preyed on all the married women here I could almost guarantee being successful with a lot of them. All it takes is my awesome smile, an ear for them to moan about the things missing from their marriages and my sensitive words and actions that will convey a message to them that if they hopped on my side of the tracks I'll satisfy them both emotionally and physically. Anyways, if you did or do have kids how would you feel if they were loosened up or pressured by a drug dealer into trying their product which would lead them into addiction? It's their own free will right?

 

You are totally leaving out that 'instant connection' appears to be an essential ingredient for affairs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
thirtysomethingteen

Kind of. My fantasy involved calling my husband's ex every vulgar name in the book in the hope that she would hit ME and I could have her charged with assault which would mean she could kiss her career bye bye.

 

I never realized how close I came to realizing that dream until I learned she once showed up at his house (when we were dating) drunk and wanting to fight me. When she discovered we were asleep she drove of...drunk. I was seriously bitter for awhile that I missed out on seeing her charged with assault AND impaired driving...I still think handcuffs would have looked great on her. ;-)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I completely blamed my h. I always say he was the home wrecker and she was just the cheap tool he used to do it.

 

Yes, but some on here seem to almost have the idea that the WS was somehow

the "innocent" party and if it wasn't for the evil philanderer or the wicked witch, then their lovely wife/husband would NEVER have strayed, and that to me is utter nonsense.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...