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First Post...Caught my Husband having an affair, I'm devastated, he wont leave her


neverthoughti

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neverthoughti

So I found this site since I uncovered my husbands affair. I am just devastated and to add salt to the wound he is still seeing her and talking and texting with her daily.

 

We have two kids and he has been a checked out dad for so long and now all of the sudden he is super dad. Doing any and everything with them, leaving me even more alone since they have been my whole life for so long.

 

I got the whole "I'm unhappy with the marriage", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "It's like we are roommates" and my favorite "i don't know what I want" All before I discovered the affair. So of course I go into full blown research mode on how to be a better wife and better serve the needs of my husband. He swore up and down that their was no one else and since I trusted and loved this man with all my being I never thought for a second that he might be lying.

 

It hurts so bad. I feel so rejected. I'm mad that now I'm going to have to share my kids and not get to see them everyday. I feel like he has zero respect for me by continuing contact with this woman.

 

Do these men ever realize that they made a mistake? At this point all i want is for him to come crawling back to me begging so I can deny him. I can never get past this. I'm hoping that the days ahead get better. He is like a stranger to me and I feel like my life I worked so hard to build with him is a huge lie.

 

Thanks for listening!!

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evanescentworld

File for divorce and full custody. Do it before the week is over.

I guarantee you, that will really see the dust flying.

 

I am absolutely 100% serious about this.

 

You think she will welcome him with open arms? Not when he has the kids every other weekend, Boxing day and 3 weeks' holiday every year....

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evanescentworld
How do you know he has not left her?

 

There's a clue in her first post....

 

....to add salt to the wound he is still seeing her and talking and texting with her daily.

 

I guess would be a give-away....! :D

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File for divorce and full custody. Do it before the week is over.

I guarantee you, that will really see the dust flying.

 

I am absolutely 100% serious about this.

 

This post is exactly the truth. Nothing will knock his socks off faster than this. I did this to my ex and it completely turned everything upside down for him. And, aside from that, if you continue to try to hang on to this marriage, the less respect your husband will have for you. I'm sorry this has happened to you but your actions right now are very key. He thinks he can continue on this path of staying with you and keeping his affair going. You need to knock that idea right out of the park and prove to him that he sadly underestimated you.

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neverthoughti

When I called him out on the affair he eventually admitted it and then he said he can't leave her right now. That was enough for me to be done. Trust me if I could file and be done with him tomorrow I would. Our situation is more complicated with Businesses and assets for me to jump right into this. I need to make sure that I'm getting everything I'm entitled to. We have been married for 7 years.

 

I know I am more than a mom, but with this bombshell being dropped on me, I REALLY need to be a mom right now. And I feel like he is taking that away from me too. It's not that he has been a crappy dad, he has provided for us, but he had to ask me for the kids schedules, he had no idea.....I get them ready for school every morning, pick them up, get them to all their activites, feed them, bathe them, and get them to bed. His affair has been going on for about 6 months and to think of all the times he spent with the OW instead of his wife and kids makes me sick.

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Now you know, you need to be clever here, otherwise this may not end well for you.

Contact a lawyer tomorrow and take his/her advice.

Do not wallow in misery, get active.

You need to fight for your kids here.

He is not worth one of your tears, you deserve better than this.

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neverthoughti
This post is exactly the truth. Nothing will knock his socks off faster than this. I did this to my ex and it completely turned everything upside down for him. And, aside from that, if you continue to try to hang on to this marriage, the less respect your husband will have for you. I'm sorry this has happened to you but your actions right now are very key. He thinks he can continue on this path of staying with you and keeping his affair going. You need to knock that idea right out of the park and prove to him that he sadly underestimated you.

 

He 100% knows I'm done. He is done too. He is so "in love" with this OW!! It just hurts!!! Unfortunately he is living at home, but out of a suitcase in the spare bedroom.

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I get it. He was an absentee dad. Regardless of what your reasons are about the business, I would advise you to file anyway. This isn't the first rodeo for attorneys. Even if you change your mind later, you can put the divorce on hold. You're making a mistake if you don't act quickly. I'd also remove half of the money from your bank account before he does something that might shock you further. Try to pull yourself out of the emotion and shock -- and I know this is hard. But he has told you that he will continue to cheat on you. This is completely unacceptable.

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He 100% knows I'm done. He is done too. He is so "in love" with this OW!! It just hurts!!! Unfortunately he is living at home, but out of a suitcase in the spare bedroom.

 

KICK HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW, tell him to GO be with her or stay at a friends house or a family member. Him staying isn't fair to you or to the kids.

 

The OW is much younger and I'm 34. She is married too but no kids.

 

Call her husband. She isn't the "OW." The OW is single. This woman is a MW, aka married wife. Her husband needs to know of the affair asap.

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evanescentworld
When I called him out on the affair he eventually admitted it and then he said he can't leave her right now. That was enough for me to be done. Trust me if I could file and be done with him tomorrow I would. Our situation is more complicated with Businesses and assets for me to jump right into this. I need to make sure that I'm getting everything I'm entitled to. We have been married for 7 years.

That's your lawyer's job, and if they want their cut, they'll make sure you get it....

 

....Unfortunately he is living at home, but out of a suitcase in the spare bedroom.

 

I don't know your legal rights with regard to 'kicking him out' but believe me, when he gets his divorce papers, he's going to have to make some tough choices - and your lawyer can perhaps suggest to him he move out, as the 'culpable' partner....but I see no issue whatsoever in telling him he needs to leave.... because if he has checked out of the marriage, as far as you are concerned, this is unacceptable.

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neverthoughti

I did kick him out, he came back. There isn't anything I can do to make him leave...trust me i tried. His lawyer advised him to get back in the house. I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow. The husband knows. He is devastated too. I'm getting out don't you all worry. I just need to be smart and patient. It makes me sick to my stomach, but I can't jeopardize my future with rash decisions.

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KICK HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW, tell him to GO be with her or stay at a friends house or a family member. Him staying isn't fair to you or to the kids.

 

Call her husband. She isn't the "OW." The OW is single. This woman is a MW, aka married wife. Her husband needs to know of the affair asap.

 

I missed that part about the OW being married. Yeah, that's a good idea to inform her husband. One more thing to turn it all on its head.

 

I think, legally, she can't kick him out. Another reason to file quickly to get him out of there sooner.

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neverthoughti

It is just so raw right now and I am in so much pain. I loved this man with all my heart and to watch him not give a crap about me hurts so bad. I have so many things running through my head, but I can assure you that I will never put up with this behavior. I know myself and I could never trust him again and what is a relationship without trust?!?!

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You're right that once the trust is lost, it's doomed. I'm so sorry, honey. I know how this hurts. I remember feeling physically ill for a couple of weeks -- couldn't eat, had constant diarrhea. I would even wake up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep and crying. It's the hardest thing I ever went through. In my case, I did put the divorce on hold and even though we didn't move back in together for several more months, I'm sorry I ever gave him another chance. There was just no fixing things. The betrayal was something I could never get past. Plus, he was pretty horrible and didn't deserve another chance.

 

I know how this hurts but I'm alive now and happy and it really doesn't hurt anymore. You will feel this way someday too. I'm just so sorry.

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SincereOnlineGuy
So I found this site since I uncovered my husbands affair. I am just devastated and to add salt to the wound he is still seeing her and talking and texting with her daily.

 

We have two kids and he has been a checked out dad for so long and now all of the sudden he is super dad. Doing any and everything with them, leaving me even more alone since they have been my whole life for so long.

 

I got the whole "I'm unhappy with the marriage", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "It's like we are roommates" and my favorite "i don't know what I want" All before I discovered the affair. So of course I go into full blown research mode on how to be a better wife and better serve the needs of my husband. He swore up and down that their was no one else and since I trusted and loved this man with all my being I never thought for a second that he might be lying.

 

It hurts so bad. I feel so rejected. I'm mad that now I'm going to have to share my kids and not get to see them everyday. I feel like he has zero respect for me by continuing contact with this woman.

 

Do these men ever realize that they made a mistake? At this point all i want is for him to come crawling back to me begging so I can deny him. I can never get past this. I'm hoping that the days ahead get better. He is like a stranger to me and I feel like my life I worked so hard to build with him is a huge lie.

 

Thanks for listening!!

 

 

(sigh) Sounds like you are really in a painful spot.

 

 

Something really important for you to consider right NOW is that you need to mark the difference between "him"... (who is an independent being who probably just doesn't understand from where the best rewards originate {clarity: NOT from you-you, but from your husband's would-be continued investment IN any partner } )... and what is the very respectable investment YOU made IN him (which is fully independent OF him - except when your emotions feel the related wounds).

 

SO, continue to credit yourself for having made the relationship important to YOU (over the past)... while understanding from that, that YOU have the right instincts (and just the wrong partner).

 

Once you divide those two elements, you can begin to chip away at the tiiiiiiiiiiiiime, which really is gonna make this feel less painful.

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neverthoughti

Thank you all for the responses!! I'm hoping that the attorney I speak with tomorrow will help me start to sort out this mess and I can start the process of getting out of this marriage.

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I'd tell you to chill, but it's impossible.

 

 

 

 

Tell him to move out if he wants to continue to sleep with her. Call it separated, give yourself 6 months of only dealing about the kids and then decide. If he's like all others he'll come crawling back begging and you'll give it a try.

 

 

 

 

If he insists on not moving out, file and ignore him.

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I'll get shot down for this but......

 

When I'm on my chinstrap, usually in a horrible desert far from family and my life, I sometimes can't see an end. The date for going home just isn't coming quick enough, more risk and the perpetual motion around a circle of doom.....except I can break that circle by looking upwards at night. Earth is a big place, but then there's all the planets etc and then earth is pretty tiny, and actually not that significant in the grand scheme of things. The analagy here is that the next couple of years may be dire, but the bigger picture is 40+ years of what can be a great life.....you can't see this ending but it will.

 

Not at all well put, but that coping mechanism has held me together during my months/years in hell holes just willing it to be over. Maybe I'm just warped?

I personally promise things will get better, not miraculously quickly, but they will. I'll put a beer on it!

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You can't kick him out, but you can certainly make it a lot less comfortable living there. Once you have really good, solid evidence, I would make sure he is exposed to all friends and family. Leave no stone unturned. Rent a billboard if you have to, but make sure everyone in his life knows what a scumbag he is.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

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evanescentworld
.....Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

...Actually, it's

 

"Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd,

Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd."

 

William Congreve.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Pe d'ant.

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eye of the storm

I get the rage bit. Drank a massive amount of rage-ahol during my divorce. Kept me warm at night.

 

But remember, you have children and this is their dad.

 

Keep it civil in front of the kids. Not for you, not for him, do it for them.

 

Edited to add: Also, take care of yourself. Eat, hit the gym, take a bath, sleep. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't make it thru this. The kids need you healthy and sane.

Edited by eye of the storm
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You can't kick him out, but you can certainly make it a lot less comfortable living there. Once you have really good, solid evidence, I would make sure he is exposed to all friends and family. Leave no stone unturned. Rent a billboard if you have to, but make sure everyone in his life knows what a scumbag he is.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

When I first found out about my husbands cheating, I hacked his facebook account and announced to all what he did. When, where and who it was with. It was along the lines of "Morning everyone! Just needed to let everyone in on a dirty little secret I've been harbouring for the past 4 months... I ****ed my wifes best friend (linked her name to the post) at my wife's birthday party. We screwed on the side of the road. Yay! Always wanted to do that! I didn't use a condom though so I'm going to get an STD test done today. Wish me luck!"- his mum, dad, sister, grandpa, nieces, nephews, workmates etc read it.

 

I changed his password so it was on there for a while, than I moved out. It was immature, but I was so overwhelmed I didn't care.

Edited by DbleBetrayal
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