misty12 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 So after my husband found out about my 2 EA's, our already damaged relationship took a plunge for the worst. After repeatedly expressing his anger and disgust at me (and I apologize and agree that what I did was horrible), I remind him of his transgressions which happened before mine. We were at a New Year's eve party which was hosted by high school friend of his. She used to be a FWB. We would fairly often hang out with her,her husband and her fraternal twin sister (another former FWB of my husband, weird I know). So after he has had many many rum drinks, I see him in conversation with her at the bar. She seems to be confiding something in his ear. I don't think much of it. I've had too much to drink at this point so I say I am going upstairs to bed (it's around 2am this point). Following day, husband confesses they hooked up in the house. He didn't remember how it happened, just that she was complaining to him she was no longer in love with her husband, so he was consoling her and they were hugging, and that led to kissing and then hooking up on the couch. They never got as far as intercourse (he had his hand down her pants) because they got walked in on by other party guests. Needless to say, I was so humiliated in front of these people and hurt by my husbands actions. Because he was wracked with guilt and seemed remorseful, I forgave him. A year later, he is the best man at his brother's wedding. The bachelor party is a weekend in Key West. He confesses several months later that the guys all bought each other lap dances in private rooms, where they could touch the strippers. He admitted to fondling their breasts and these lap dances lasting over half an hour each. It sounded like this happened several times over the course of the weekend. So I understand that with my EA's, I was caught. There was deception there that he can't accept and I understand that. But he is also sweeping his transgressions completely under the rug, saying he was drunk both times and confessed both times. Is it valid that I should be essentially made to feel like the most horrible person in the world when he cheated too? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 So after my husband found out about my 2 EA's, our already damaged relationship took a plunge for the worst. After repeatedly expressing his anger and disgust at me (and I apologize and agree that what I did was horrible), I remind him of his transgressions which happened before mine. We were at a New Year's eve party which was hosted by high school friend of his. She used to be a FWB. We would fairly often hang out with her,her husband and her fraternal twin sister (another former FWB of my husband, weird I know). So after he has had many many rum drinks, I see him in conversation with her at the bar. She seems to be confiding something in his ear. I don't think much of it. I've had too much to drink at this point so I say I am going upstairs to bed (it's around 2am this point). Following day, husband confesses they hooked up in the house. He didn't remember how it happened, just that she was complaining to him she was no longer in love with her husband, so he was consoling her and they were hugging, and that led to kissing and then hooking up on the couch. They never got as far as intercourse (he had his hand down her pants) because they got walked in on by other party guests. Needless to say, I was so humiliated in front of these people and hurt by my husbands actions. Because he was wracked with guilt and seemed remorseful, I forgave him. A year later, he is the best man at his brother's wedding. The bachelor party is a weekend in Key West. He confesses several months later that the guys all bought each other lap dances in private rooms, where they could touch the strippers. He admitted to fondling their breasts and these lap dances lasting over half an hour each. It sounded like this happened several times over the course of the weekend. So I understand that with my EA's, I was caught. There was deception there that he can't accept and I understand that. But he is also sweeping his transgressions completely under the rug, saying he was drunk both times and confessed both times. Is it valid that I should be essentially made to feel like the most horrible person in the world when he cheated too? Why does it sound like you both are living in a marriage where one will always say - "Well you did this, so I am going to do THIS." Then the other spouse does something even worse then comes back and says - "well, you did THAT so I did THIS" with the cycle continuing over and over. Then you both are unhappy and basically cohabitating together and having an open marriage. If you had a PA would that have made you feel even with what your husband did? Or would it make you no better than him? Are you in MC? Perhaps having these deep discussion with a MC involved will help you both resolve your past and move on to a better future together if it is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 So I understand that with my EA's, I was caught. There was deception there that he can't accept and I understand that. But he is also sweeping his transgressions completely under the rug, saying he was drunk both times and confessed both times. Is it valid that I should be essentially made to feel like the most horrible person in the world when he cheated too? He was honest, you were not. He at least had enough respect to look you in the eyes, tell the truth, and allow you to make a decision for yourself. There is no rug sweeping in that circumstance. I don't think that is a small difference... I think that makes all the difference in the world. It separates people who are remorseful and willing to accept consequences and the selfish twerps who lack the ability to care for others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 It really does not sound like either of you are committed to each other. Some people just can't get over the past. You might want to consider checking out of this relationship. It does not sound like it is healthy for either one of you. I do agree with the other poster about at least your H was honest and you were not. It sadly still does not excuse the cheating. Might want to at least for yourself look info counceling. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 He was honest, you were not. He at least had enough respect to look you in the eyes, tell the truth, and allow you to make a decision for yourself. There is no rug sweeping in that circumstance. I don't think that is a small difference... I think that makes all the difference in the world. It separates people who are remorseful and willing to accept consequences and the selfish twerps who lack the ability to care for others.^^^THIS^^^ Yeah his were two drunken one offs that he confessed to right away. There is a element of honesty there that is missing on your side. Not to mention you made the decision not only to not be honest but also to engage in you affair EVERYDAY for however long it was. There is a huge difference between the two. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 ^^^THIS^^^ Yeah his were two drunken one offs that he confessed to right away. There is a element of honesty there that is missing on your side. Not to mention you made the decision not only to not be honest but also to engage in you affair EVERYDAY for however long it was. There is a huge difference between the two. Is there really an element of honesty there? I think he did more but has not confessed to it. Just because he was not caught does not make him truthful. Honestly, you both should go to IC and find out what you want because I don't think you want a marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Were your EAs for revenge? How long were your EAs? What do you want out of your marriage? I hope you have stopped all contact with the OMs. If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Have you and your H read and discussed any books like not just friends? What about MC? Do you have any kids? That is a big question. If you do, you have to consider the kids. He may not be able to get past two EAs. In an EA, you get to see a fantasy person not a reality person with their faults. Your H can not compete with that and he should not have to. He should have better boundaries and stay away from the temptation to cheat. If you want to try to fix this, it will be so much work. Hope you and your H do want to fix this. You will not find happiness in an EA. not real happiness. It has to come from within. Find something that you two can do for each other for a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 He had to confess. These people were in our social circle and he was scared sh*tless of this woman's husband coming after him. Every attendee at the party knew what happened. I would have found out anyway. He also trickle truthed both confessions so there could be some truth missing. Thats not to say that I know for sure he would not have confessed. He very well may have. But yes, I did carry on my EA's and deliberately hid them and deceived my husband. There is no excuse for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 We do not have kids. I have stopped contact with the OMs..husband is monitoring my phone records and emails. He is open to fixing this. I'm not sure I am. I don't know if he'll ever really trust me again, and I also don't know if I will ever be able to fulfill him sexually enough that we will never again resist temptation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 arguments about cheating on both sides Glad there's been clarification. I thought both sides meant front and back... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 OMG! This is a train derailment with a plane crash. You had EAs but he had PAs. Bad, bad, very bad. I will not quantify what is worst because they are both very bad. Yet, given my druthers, physical trumps EAs because someone was TOUCHED and in marriage TOUCHING belongs to the spouse. Here comes the 2 by 4s...BUT someone was touched when in a long term, committed relationship, we were only to touch each other. No one is worse than men in this scenario; IF you had touched another man, well your spouse may never overcome that. What are you doing to overcome this disaster? what is he doing? This takes two. Two in IC, MC and talking, talking, talking...to overcome this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) OMG! This is a train derailment with a plane crash. You had EAs but he had PAs. Bad, bad, very bad. I will not quantify what is worst because they are both very bad. Yet, given my druthers, physical trumps EAs because someone was TOUCHED and in marriage TOUCHING belongs to the spouse. Here comes the 2 by 4s...BUT someone was touched when in a long term, committed relationship, we were only to touch each other. No one is worse than men in this scenario; IF you had touched another man, well your spouse may never overcome that. What are you doing to overcome this disaster? what is he doing? This takes two. Two in IC, MC and talking, talking, talking...to overcome this! Right now we are still cohabitating and are on good terms but I sleep in a separate bedroom. Overcoming this is going to be a tremendous amount of work. I don't know if I'm better off just cutting my losses and starting over in life, since we don't have kids. I am experiencing the "I love him but I'm not in love with him" phenomenon. Edited November 21, 2014 by misty12 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Right now we are still cohabitating and are on good terms but I sleep in a separate bedroom. Overcoming this is going to be a tremendous amount of work. I don't know if I'm better off just cutting my losses and starting over in life, since we don't have kids. I am experiencing the "I love him but I'm not in love with him" phenomenon. MY question to both of you.....Why in gods name are either of you still there? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Misty12, act drunk the next time you get caught. I don't think there is much hope in your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 MY question to both of you.....Why in gods name are either of you still there? This IS THE QUESTION you both should be asking yourselves. You said yourself that you are just cohabitating, sleeping in different rooms. That is not a marriage. Both of you deserve something better. In your mind, what could ever take place to make this a good marriage? Given your histories are either of you even capable? Just seems like a bridge too far. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Very good question...why are we still here. We have been together for the entirety of our adult lives. Started dating at 21 and now 40. To divorce would be like throwing away all that we know and starting an entire new life. Which could be a very good thing for both us. Its just so hard to grasp the concept! So maybe the reason is based on fear of the unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 May I shift this to the concept of honesty- Tell that man of yours that He has NOT been honest. Reference this scenario: One guy stabs another and fesses up, the other waits a week and fess's up. Guess what? They both committed a heinous act, and that "Act" cannot be undone. This poppycock of "gee at least he was honest" has no bearing to his DISHONEST act in the first place. Shifting it doesn't change the act. Get it? I have no advise for how to move past this matter. Just feel that you are a good egg who made a poor choice....you got more to live for then a double standard spouse.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) I'm not attracted to him any more. He is trying to be nice to me, and he comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder and says he wants to spend time with me and repair our relationship. I don't find him attractive anymore and I just want to be alone. How do I tell him this? He goes into a state of panic any time he thinks I want us to split up. Just a few weeks ago when he discovered my EA's he was about to walk out the door and file for divorce, now he loves me more than anything and wants nothing but to be with me?? Edited November 23, 2014 by misty12 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I'm not attracted to him any more. He is trying to be nice to me, and he comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder and says he wants to spend time with me and repair our relationship. I don't find him attractive anymore and I just want to be alone. How do I tell him this? He goes into a state of panic any time he thinks I want us to split up. Just a few weeks ago when he discovered my EA's he was about to walk out the door and file for divorce, now he loves me more than anything and wants nothing but to be with me?? Get counseling. Neither of you are aware of the implications of your current actions. Ask yourself honestly how you would feel if your husband came straight out and said " I am not attracted to you". It may be honest from one view yet hurtful to another. Learn to state things in a respectful manner, you'll grow from it. These affairs are making you both grow apart.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Get counseling. Neither of you are aware of the implications of your current actions. Ask yourself honestly how you would feel if your husband came straight out and said " I am not attracted to you". It may be honest from one view yet hurtful to another. Learn to state things in a respectful manner, you'll grow from it. These affairs are making you both grow apart.... I am in counseling and my counselor is in favor of the 'this marriage isn't working for me' approach which involves refusal to elaborate any further. It just seems harsh towards someone I've spent my entire adult life with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 So after my husband found out about my 2 EA's, our already damaged relationship took a plunge for the worst. After repeatedly expressing his anger and disgust at me (and I apologize and agree that what I did was horrible), I remind him of his transgressions which happened before mine. We were at a New Year's eve party which was hosted by high school friend of his. She used to be a FWB. We would fairly often hang out with her,her husband and her fraternal twin sister (another former FWB of my husband, weird I know). So after he has had many many rum drinks, I see him in conversation with her at the bar. She seems to be confiding something in his ear. I don't think much of it. I've had too much to drink at this point so I say I am going upstairs to bed (it's around 2am this point). Following day, husband confesses they hooked up in the house. He didn't remember how it happened, just that she was complaining to him she was no longer in love with her husband, so he was consoling her and they were hugging, and that led to kissing and then hooking up on the couch. They never got as far as intercourse (he had his hand down her pants) because they got walked in on by other party guests. Needless to say, I was so humiliated in front of these people and hurt by my husbands actions. Because he was wracked with guilt and seemed remorseful, I forgave him. A year later, he is the best man at his brother's wedding. The bachelor party is a weekend in Key West. He confesses several months later that the guys all bought each other lap dances in private rooms, where they could touch the strippers. He admitted to fondling their breasts and these lap dances lasting over half an hour each. It sounded like this happened several times over the course of the weekend. So I understand that with my EA's, I was caught. There was deception there that he can't accept and I understand that. But he is also sweeping his transgressions completely under the rug, saying he was drunk both times and confessed both times. Is it valid that I should be essentially made to feel like the most horrible person in the world when he cheated too? Sounds like when *you* cheated you consciously justified it in your head because of these incidents your husband *confessed* to you without you catching him. You knew what you were doing was wrong at the time but you decided based on his past transgressions that even if he did ever find out you can use it against him. However now that it backfired you are frustrated that his reactions aren't fair. Honestly? You truly feel justified in your actions. Perhaps you both should either A) go to MC, B) discuss an open marriage or C)be done with each other because it seems it will be a life long never ending battle with you two. Link to post Share on other sites
OldMaidJuliet Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 (edited) He was honest, you were not. I admit this is different. However, he also did it first. If a man cheats on me, even if he's honest, I'm not inclined to feel I owe him monogamy, but I would have been honest about the fact that I was going to cheat. So, while I do think there's a difference between cheating & admitting it vs. cheating & being caught, I also think there's a difference in who does it first. It separates people who are remorseful and willing to accept consequences and the selfish twerps who lack the ability to care for others. Yes, he was so remorseful that he did it more than once. I understand people can be genuinely sorry, & still repeat bad behavior. However, he also excuses his behavior now by saying he was drunk both times. If he's remorseful why is he excusing his behavior this way? If you know you mess up when you drink, stop drinking. Plus, was he too drunk to know what he was doing? Or is he an alcoholic and unable to quit drinking? Given that she cannot trust him not to cheat- even if she can trust him to admit to it later- maybe you could cut her some slack for doing what she did, just as you're cutting him some slack for cheating on her more than once before this. Edited November 24, 2014 by OldMaidJuliet Link to post Share on other sites
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