Confession

[ChickenFlower]

I started a thread several weeks ago regarding the decline and lack of intimacy in my marriage ... several of the responses included the thought that there were likely some deeper issues. There are. I didn't give the whole story in that initial thread, because the lack of intimacy and sex began way before, and I wanted some perspective without that one piece of information being factored in, and ... to be honest I guess I did want "favorable" responses. Since then I have read just about every word posted on this site and have come to realize that without the whole story, there's no way any advice can be put to good use.

 

So ... now for the whole story .... 2 years ago I cheated. It was with my husbands "best" friend. It wasn't a long term thing ... it was 2 weeks of texting/chatting/etc. in which the OM gave me all the attention, flattery, sexy words, etc. that apparently I thought I was missing and I just ate it all up. A couple of weeks into this H and I got together with a group of friends including the OM and there was a LOT of drinking. H went to bed, I stayed up, drank a lot more, and ended up in bed with OM. I have only the vaguest of alcohol blurred memories of even being there up until the moment of getting caught.

 

I have read over and over that no affair is an accident, but dammit I NEVER had any intention of actually engaging in a physical act. Even while texting/chatting was going on I thought of it as a kind of naughty little game, and I was getting bored with it by then anyway. Had I not drank so very much, I know without a doubt in my mind that I would not have ended up where I did. But all of that doesn't really matter, does it? It did happen, and I was a party to it, and I have never regretted anything more in my entire life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself at least a little bit for doing such a disgusting thing to the man I love so very much; the man I vowed to honor and cherish and be faithful to.

 

I'm going to oversimplify for times sake here, but of course a lot happened in the days immediately after. There were many many tears, all contact with OM was cut off (no loss there - at least for me), went to dr. and got tested for everything, started marital counseling the first available appointment, and we started the recovery process.

 

Back to recent months, and my other post ... the intimacy and sex were declining before the A, did pick up a bit a few months after DDay, and then started a steady decline again. We both have worked hard at our recovery and I really have thought things were great. After my post and reading the replies and having a really open and honest discussion with my H, it seems that we haven't come as far as I thought. There have been some recent triggers for him that I didn't pick up on, and he has been struggling (which I'm a bit ashamed that I didn't recognize). So me trying to separate out what I did from our general relationship was just counterproductive. They are forever linked and I have to remember that.

 

Soooo..... if you've managed to stay with me this long.... I've read so many posts in recent days regarding recovery, timelines, what to do, what not to do, and while I understand that its different for every person and every situation, maybe there's still some advice out there for me and my husband? I have backed off with pressure about sex... is that the right thing to do? Or should I keep pushing that in an effort to keep us moving forward in our recovery?

[thummper]

I almost hate to ask, but you mentioned getting caught. Don't tell me that hubby walked right in and saw you two...uh...doin' it?!!! That must have made for an interesting scene. How in the world does a couple deal with something like that? That's got to be every married man's worst nightmare.

[SawtoothMars]

Soooo..... if you've managed to stay with me this long.... I've read so many posts in recent days regarding recovery, timelines, what to do, what not to do, and while I understand that its different for every person and every situation, maybe there's still some advice out there for me and my husband? I have backed off with pressure about sex... is that the right thing to do? Or should I keep pushing that in an effort to keep us moving forward in our recovery?

 

You never answered before whether your Husband is using porn or not. That is very pertinent to the overall discussion.

 

In regards to the cheating... sure it's 100% on you. Your Husband also has to own the fact that he put you in a weak position with the lack of physical intimacy.

 

My xWife has an uncle who is a higher powered CFO type. I dunno what was going on in his marriage but his wife drank a bottle of wine and kissed me on the lips in front of about 5 people. Both of their sons had recently been diagnosed with autism and I think he was spending too much time at work. I was really shocked and just laughed it off. My point being that alcohol lowers inhibitions to the point where you do whatever stupid thing comes into your mind. That isn't an excuse but a fact!

 

When it comes to pushing for sex... it matters less what you do and more how you do it.

[Ronni_W]

Or should I keep pushing that in an effort to keep us moving forward in our recovery?

I would not "keep pushing", no...because the words (not your intent) suggest force of some kind (not physical, but mental, feeling or desire force also does not sound like the best thing).

 

Sexual healing, maybe? But there's not a lot of easily-accessible or usable/useful info on that, that I could find. Specifically chapters 3 and 4 of 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margo Anand...but maybe just photocopy the pages at a library instead of buying the whole book?

 

There is this site, but it doesn't really feel like what you're looking for, either.

 

Best of luck.

[harrybrown]

I still have triggers and pain and it is now about 4 years.

 

Have you continued in MC? Have you worked on joint homework from MC to help with the pain and loss of self-esteem?

 

Your A causes "flooding of emotions" that can make your H overcome with anger, rage, despair, depression, loss of self-esteem, etc.

 

it takes years of continued work to get some of the flooding under control.

 

If you can help him with all this hurt, (it will be hard), but if you love him, it will be worth it.

 

Sometimes after finding out this situation, a BS can feel like life is hopeless. Is he on meds for depression?

 

Good luck. He is hurting and so are you. please help him if you can.

[DbleBetrayal]

What you did to your husband, is what my husband did to me with my 'best' friend. There's going to be many triggers for yearrrrrs to come; a best friend is as bad as his own brother, it can't get any lower than that. It happened to me 4 years ago... and it feels like it just happened yesterday some days... the best thing you can do is never lose your patience, always answer any questions honestly, don't lie. I don't think you will ever understand what you did to him, how deep it goes. It's like a death. The same grieving of something or someone he thought he once new.

 

There will be times where he will be thinking about it, silently. And even before he even wants to re-hash it with you, you should get a "vibe" that he has it playing on his mind; he'll be abrupt with you and silent, the calm before the storm... it's best to give him a hug or kiss or tell him how much you truly love him when you see the signs of darker moods developing. If you don't nip it in the bud at the first signs you pick up- it will blow up; explode (huge argument/ breaking things) or implode (severe depression/ drinking/ passive aggression/ drug use/ even revenge cheating). However, this might not work for him but it might... this what works for me when I start getting in a mood when I'm triggered. I need verbal and physical reassurance (hugs, kisses) to placate me before I get too deep in my mind with it. I'm never in the mood for sex when I trigger, but as a guy he might be lol.

 

The worst thing you can do is ignore them when they are this way, the second worst thing you can do is minimise how it feels. (ie "Move on already- I have."/ "Just get over it."/ "I wouldn't have done it if you..."/ "I'm not going to talk about it again" etc).

Edited November 20, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[road]

How did you get caught?

 

 

Is there NC between you, BH, and the OM?

 

 

Who else knows of the affair?

[gettingstronger]

I think first of all you need to admit to yourself that you helped orchestrate the perfect storm to cheat- you crossed the lines with texting, you drank way too much in the presence of someone you were attracted to, you stayed up with this person after your husband went to bed- for me, and probably for your husband when you said I would have cheated if XYZ I would think, well you put together XYZ

 

As far as your husband- we are 2 years from dday and there are times where it felt like it happened yesterday-its a very raw and deep hurt to be betrayed like that- sometimes it doesn't even seem real- I look at him differently sometimes, like who, what, really?

 

What helps- time, honesty, change and attention.

[badkarma2013]

Confession

I started a thread several weeks ago regarding the decline and lack of intimacy in my marriage ... several of the responses included the thought that there were likely some deeper issues. There are. I didn't give the whole story in that initial thread, because the lack of intimacy and sex began way before, and I wanted some perspective without that one piece of information being factored in, and ... to be honest I guess I did want "favorable" responses. Since then I have read just about every word posted on this site and have come to realize that without the whole story, there's no way any advice can be put to good use.

 

So ... now for the whole story .... 2 years ago I cheated. It was with my husbands "best" friend. It wasn't a long term thing ... it was 2 weeks of texting/chatting/etc. in which the OM gave me all the attention, flattery, sexy words, etc. that apparently I thought I was missing and I just ate it all up. A couple of weeks into this H and I got together with a group of friends including the OM and there was a LOT of drinking. H went to bed, I stayed up, drank a lot more, and ended up in bed with OM. I have only the vaguest of alcohol blurred memories of even being there up until the moment of getting caught.

 

I have read over and over that no affair is an accident, but dammit I NEVER had any intention of actually engaging in a physical act. Even while texting/chatting was going on I thought of it as a kind of naughty little game, and I was getting bored with it by then anyway. Had I not drank so very much, I know without a doubt in my mind that I would not have ended up where I did. But all of that doesn't really matter, does it? It did happen, and I was a party to it, and I have never regretted anything more in my entire life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself at least a little bit for doing such a disgusting thing to the man I love so very much; the man I vowed to honor and cherish and be faithful to.

 

 

 

 

******From the time you engaged the OM by texting and chatting with him...TILL the time you HAD SEX with him....YOU PASSED HUNDREDS OF RED FLAGS BLOWING IN THE WIND TELLING YOU TO STOP....BUT YOU IGNORED THEM....There are NO mistakes here only CHOICES...

 

It would be my belief that if you had not gotten caught ..You would still be engaged in an A with the OM...

 

I also truly believe that (not after being caught) but before, you did not STOP the chain of events because YOU LIKED IT...I also think if you were honest with yourself,you would agree...

 

There are couples here and on another forum...That i have spoke with..that the WW had an A and was caught / or confessed...The BH chose to R with WW...F@#KING YEARS LATER,I MEAN YEARS...THE BH STILL TRIGGERS ..HAS SELF ESTEEM ISSUES AND CONSTANT DOUBT...MORE THAT 1 COUPLE...

 

If that is R and the price of staying with a WW or WH....YOU CAN KEEP IT..I ONLY HAD 2 WORDS AT THE END FOR HER....GET OUT...

[Bryanp]

Honestly, I do not see how any husband getting over what you did.

1. Having sex with your husband's best friend

2. Having sex with your husband's best friend in bed with him

3. Getting caught by your husband with you sleeping with his best friend

4. All of this happening while your husband was in the same house and in the next room.

6. Absolute total humiliation for your husband in front of other people. I could not think of anything worse in the world.

 

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think you could have forgiven this?

[DbleBetrayal]

Honestly, I do not see how any husband getting over what you did.

1. Having sex with your husband's best friend

2. Having sex with your husband's best friend in bed with him

3. Getting caught by your husband with you sleeping with his best friend

4. All of this happening while your husband was in the same house and in the next room.

6. Absolute total humiliation for your husband in front of other people. I could not think of anything worse in the world.

 

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think you could have forgiven this?

 

True. My husband slept with my best friend, in my house while I was asleep in the next room. It's been 4 years and I'm still severely f%^ked in the head from it.

Edited November 20, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[ChickenFlower]

I almost hate to ask, but you mentioned getting caught. Don't tell me that hubby walked right in and saw you two...uh...doin' it?!!! That must have made for an interesting scene. How in the world does a couple deal with something like that? That's got to be every married man's worst nightmare.

 

No he didn't walk in on us ... I don't remember exactly what happened but there was some kind of warning. But it was painfully obvious what had been going on.

[ChickenFlower]

You never answered before whether your Husband is using porn or not. That is very pertinent to the overall discussion.

 

No he doesn't use porn ... not that I don't think he might look at something once in a while, but I am 100% certain that he's not "using" it as a sexual release of any kind. Although I have suggested it certainly.

[ChickenFlower]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think you could have forgiven this?

 

Hmmmm ... I do honestly believe I could get over this. Probably much easier than him. There was no love involved with what I did, and that would be the kicker for me. If he was to have an affair and there was LOVE, then I wouldn't be able to forgive.

[badkarma2013]

Hmmmm ... I do honestly believe I could get over this. Probably much easier than him. There was no love involved with what I did, and that would be the kicker for me. If he was to have an affair and there was LOVE, then I wouldn't be able to forgive.

 

***For Bhs it not about if you loved your AP......the hard Truth is for a husband ..a WW can do everything in her power to make it right...But you cannot UNF$%K the OM...

 

That consumes most men here..

[ChickenFlower]

 

******From the time you engaged the OM by texting and chatting with him...TILL the time you HAD SEX with him....YOU PASSED HUNDREDS OF RED FLAGS BLOWING IN THE WIND TELLING YOU TO STOP....BUT YOU IGNORED THEM....There are NO mistakes here only CHOICES... Oh absolutely I agree with you - I should have absolutely realized that the little game was a slippery slope of lies and deceit.

 

It would be my belief that if you had not gotten caught ..You would still be engaged in an A with the OM... Nope - not a chance. After just a couple of weeks I was bored with it.

 

I also truly believe that (not after being caught) but before, you did not STOP the chain of events because YOU LIKED IT...I also think if you were honest with yourself,you would agree... I actually was honest - I did say it was a naughty little game - yes I did like it for a little while.

 

There are couples here and on another forum...That i have spoke with..that the WW had an A and was caught / or confessed...The BH chose to R with WW...F@#KING YEARS LATER,I MEAN YEARS...THE BH STILL TRIGGERS ..HAS SELF ESTEEM ISSUES AND CONSTANT DOUBT...MORE THAT 1 COUPLE... That's what we're working on.

 

If that is R and the price of staying with a WW or WH....YOU CAN KEEP IT..I ONLY HAD 2 WORDS AT THE END FOR HER....GET OUT...

You are absolutely entitled to feel that way and if that's what worked for you I am truly happy for you .... perhaps I am arrogant (AND my husband as well as we do both believe this) but our marriage IS special, and it is SO worth fighting for.

[ChickenFlower]

Thank you Ronni - this is useful... I don't want to seem "forceful" ... I just don't want things to get stagnant, so thats where it can be confusing on what the right course of action is (or if no action is best - no pun intended)

[pteromom]

There was no love involved with what I did, and that would be the kicker for me.

 

The thing is - only you know what is in your heart and what you were thinking at the time.

 

You have to realize that for him, this isn't just about you having sex with another man. He is having to rethink everything he knows about you. Are you telling the truth, or are you lying? He doesn't know. Because he never expected you to do something like this, so he feels as if he doesn't know whether to trust that the you he has known all this time is the real you at all.

 

When you say "I didn't have any feelings for him and I was just drunk", he doesn't know if that is true. He doesn't know if your tears are due to the fact that you regret hurting him, or if they are due to you being ashamed about being caught.

 

The only way you are going to prove it to him is through time. And I am afraid you are going to have to put your worries about reduced intimacy on the back burner for now.

 

What you should do:

 

- be kind, gentle and understanding. If he wants to talk about your infidelity, even if it the same conversation you've had 10 times, sit and talk. Do NOT get defensive or blow off his concerns.

 

- As noted above, if you see him going into a dark place, be attentive and loving. Not necessarily hugs and kisses - I am sure you know by now how he defines love. (If not, read the 5 Love Languages with him.) Maybe it is doing a bunch of sweet things for him. Maybe it is showing appreciation for all he does. Maybe it is giving him compliments on his physique. Maybe it's dressing sexy for him. Maybe it is sending him little texts and writing him little love notes.

 

Everyone is different, and it is important to show him love in the way that makes HIM feel loved. (Hint: If you've been pressuring him in any way for more sex and he's been avoiding, that's likely not his love language, or at least not at this point.)

 

- Be completely transparent. No passwords on anything. Let him know what you are doing, who you are seeing, where you are going, etc. When you aren't with him, you want to eliminate all the questions and doubts in his mind.

 

- Keep telling him you love him. Not in a desperate, "don't leave me" kind of way, but in an honest from-the-heart kind of way. Kiss him goodbye in the morning. Kiss him goodnight - even if you are horny and wish you were having sex instead.

 

Over time, you will earn the trust back. And the more work you put into earning his trust back, the quicker the time will honestly be. Walking around acting like nothing happened doesn't heal wounds.

[pteromom]

Have to add...

 

BUT - if the intimacy was declining before you had the affair, you have to realize that it could be his "normal", and you should be thinking about what you want to do if that is the case.

 

Can you live with less frequent sex long-term, if you are in a loving relationship otherwise? If not, you should be making a contingency plan during this time as well.

[Clay]

Hmmmm ... I do honestly believe I could get over this. Probably much easier than him. There was no love involved with what I did, and that would be the kicker for me. If he was to have an affair and there was LOVE, then I wouldn't be able to forgive.

 

I could be wrong but you don't sound like your really all that upset to the damage you have done to your H. It honestly sounds like your just staying with him because he is safe. If that is the case what a tragedy for the both of you.

 

You should invite your H to this site. I would love to hear view of your betrayal.

 

He is going to need all the help he can get if you are serious about trying to reconcile.

 

You make it all sound like some sort of a sick joke. I hope honestly I am just reading this wrong.

 

Clay

[ChickenFlower]

Clay you are reading it wrong. I do NOT mean to come across as cavalier about any of this ... I know what I did and the pain I have caused without a doubt. I guess its a little hard for me to convey real emotion through typing? I don't know. Thank you for pointing out how its coming across though I will try to be a little more thoughtful with my words and responses.

[badkarma2013]

I could be wrong but you don't sound like your really all that upset to the damage you have done to your H. It honestly sounds like your just staying with him because he is safe. If that is the case what a tragedy for the both of you.

 

You should invite your H to this site. I would love to hear view of your betrayal.

 

He is going to need all the help he can get if you are serious about trying to reconcile.

 

You make it all sound like some sort of a sick joke. I hope honestly I am just reading this wrong.

 

Clay

 

 

 

*******Some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten or forgiven .....badkarma 2014****

[jbrent890]

Hmmmm ... I do honestly believe I could get over this. Probably much easier than him. There was no love involved with what I did, and that would be the kicker for me. If he was to have an affair and there was LOVE, then I wouldn't be able to forgive.

 

What you need to understand is that for guys it doesn't matter if there was emotions involved or not. The physical act of you having sex with someone else literally destroys us. I feel for your husband. My wife and I are going through the same thing. The difference is that my wife is owning it. She has yet to call it a mistake. Even though she was drunk, she knew exactly what she was doing. And yes I haven't been able to have sex with her either.

[badkarma2013]

What you need to understand is that for guys it doesn't matter if there was emotions involved or not. The physical act of you having sex with someone else literally destroys us. I feel for your husband. My wife and I are going through the same thing. The difference is that my wife is owning it. She has yet to call it a mistake. Even though she was drunk, she knew exactly what she was doing. And yes I haven't been able to have sex with her either.

 

*******I agree more than you know....A WS has to put them selves in a position for it happen...they have to take the time to get drunk....All the while RED FLAGS are popping up all over the place...AGAIN THEY DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE ...THEY MADE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO HAVE SEX WITH THE AP...

 

BEING DRUNK IS NEVER AN EXCUSE...I truly believe (after much reading and study after my D..The WS likes it and truly wants to have sex with AP...Seen too much to make me believe different...

 

Oh but when they are caught...the IM SORRY...PLS FORGIVE ME ETC...TOO LATE THE DAMAGE IS DONE.

[Clay]

Clay you are reading it wrong. I do NOT mean to come across as cavalier about any of this ... I know what I did and the pain I have caused without a doubt. I guess its a little hard for me to convey real emotion through typing? I don't know. Thank you for pointing out how its coming across though I will try to be a little more thoughtful with my words and responses.

 

Well sadly this is what your going to have to do if you really want your marriage to work. Your not only going to have to figure out how to better relay your feelings your going to have to learn real humility. He not only has to see it he will have to feel it. There will be days that are harder than the previous ones and this is when your going to have to be at your strongest to support him.

 

I sadly am one of those people that believe cheaters do not deserve a second chance. I am not saying its impossible in my mind that people cant change and learn to be better people I am just saying the numbers that are successful are so small its like maybe two or three I have felt I believed after the last year and a half of being on this site and other sites.

 

Your going to seriously need to get yourself into counseling. Your going to have to give up all your freedoms and become totally transparent. No passwords no hiding nothing. Your going to have to honestly welcome this change. If you don't he will see it as your still trying to hide something and you will have doomed your chance of reconciling over something stupid.

 

I would invite him to these sites. I would encourage him to get into counseling as well. He is going to need it.

 

Clay