Tips for getting over an exit affair by now ex-wife

[Frogger]

My ex-wife told me 1 1/2 months ago that she wanted to leave. It was pretty out of the blue. There were issues, but not "leave a 20 year marriage" issues that I was aware of.

 

I later found out she was having at least an emotional affair for at least 2-3 months before she told me she wanted to leave (and though she strongly denies it, I know the odds are that it was probably physical as well, just based on reading forums like these). I think the affair was mostly just 2-3 months before she told me she wanted to leave, because that's when her text messages hugely spiked.

 

When I confronted her about the affair (I had some details from chat logs, and know she typed "I love you at least a couple of times", but no certain evidence of sex), she first tried to say that she wasn't sure of what she was doing, that she was just messed up from being unhappy and wanting to leave me, and that she wasn't even sure what this guy meant to her. The guy is a co-worker (she works part time, in the nature of working a few weeks or months at a time, then having a few weeks or months off).

 

Again though, as I see so often in the common pattern on these sites, my intuition is that she probably downplayed the severity of the relationship, emotional or otherwise.

 

We are now divorced. She did not even want to try reconciliation. She wanted out. (Before you ask, you can get a divorce very quickly in my state if you know what you are doing and each spouse agrees on how to divide things, etc.) I think she will probably continue to see him after this (though she protests that she has no idea what exactly the future holds, I have seen her subtly shift in how she says it in a way that again makes me think she plans on seeing him).

 

My question is, does anyone have tips or thoughts on how to overcome an "exit affair" like this when you are the betrayed spouse? So much on forums like this are geared toward when the betraying spouse wants to try to reconcile. I don't even have that level of control; she was done with the relationship. How in the hell do you get over essentially being left for another man? (I note that she has said she has no idea whether we could ever reconcile down the road, because again, how can she know the future, but again after reading forums like this, I know that is rationally just minor cake eating/not wanting to just smash me by saying she could never want me - right now she is using the classic "I need to be on my own and find myself" line.)

Edited November 19, 2014 by Frogger

[Striver]

My situation is much the same as yours. Wife said she wanted to take a step back, a week later she wanted to separate and date someone else. I snooped through her emails, never really found much. The guy she wants to date was emailing her a lot, but it was innocuous stuff. Maybe she deleted the worse stuff, I don't know. Her texting really spiked during and after that as well.

 

I stopped investigating because she defied me every time I asked her to stop or go to counseling. Nothing I could do.

 

Really, for me EA or PA means no difference if the result is a walk out the door.

 

As far as you, seek out individual counseling or support groups of course. Otherwise, can you try to analyze her character? Does the way she is handling this situation resemble the way she's handled other stuff?

 

With mine, my soon to be ex is very dominant, a narcissist, always wants things done fast fast fast, a cold streak masked by warmth. Some of these I knew, some of these were only apparent upon recent reflection. But at least I can understand why she is acting the way she is.

 

With me, there is a lot of anger because of utterly no concern for the marriage and what I take to be her disrespect for me. Her leaving with no fight after 20 years must be tough. How does it make you feel? I do agree that there is a lot more waffling by waywards in most cases, on this board and for the people I meet in real life. Only particular people seem to be able to walk away cold.

[mrs rubble]

1 1/2 months from learning of the infidelity to divorce after a 20 year marriage! I'd expect you'd both be still in shock. Take time to reflect.

Do you have children?

You just don't get over huge life changes like this without soul searching & self preservation.

Take care of you first & foremost.

[jackslife]

^^^^^^

 

I thought that. You also seem quite calm and rational about it all. I'm not hearing about you begging to take her back, or losing sleep, or not eating. I've heard people get more upset over moving house than divorcing after 20 years together.

 

I could be way out of line here, but it sounds like you are more peeved and a bit confused, than devastated. You don't sound like a man who has lost the love of his life. It sounds like you see it as an inconvenience or an irritation. Maybe that was why she went. She was in a loveless marriage and just had enough.

 

You haven't mentioned children so I'm assuming there aren't any.

 

You should do see a counsellor to talk things through, and this may help you with future relationships.

[Hardgrind]

OP,

 

 

I am in very similar situation, except that my STBXW started her affair a year ago during a 10-year marriage.

 

 

First, look at the actions of your ex, not what she says. She will try to minimize her role in her choices. Do not buy into it. Her affair says much more about her than you. Trust your own judgement and observations, since she likely will be doing a lot of gaslighting.

 

 

If the divorce is finalized, minimize contact with the ex. Better yet, cut off all contact if you are able. At this point she is just trying to continue to feed off you to fulfil her needs. Usually the wandering spouse will continue to try to feed their own ego/self esteem by claiming they are checking in on you for your own good. The BH is often seen as a backup plan in case things do not work out like they hope with the OM.

 

 

Get your own social life going. You don't necessarily want to jump into another serious relationship immediately, but don't cut yourself off from your friends and family. Meet new friends.

 

 

Don't expect her to come back, and don't be willing to easily take her back if she does want to R. She should jump through hoops for you if she tries to come back. Otherwise there is a high probability that the R is just temporary, and you are just the safe harbor until she finds a new AP when things don't work out with the old one.

[prekopsian]

Hi Frogger

 

There are issues in every marriage. No marriage is perfect, no person is perfect.

 

My ex-wife had an affair, and we'd been together for almost twenty years. Like your ex, she didn't want to reconcile, nor did she show any remorse for her actions. And, like you, I divorced her when I realised that I was the only participant left in the marriage.

 

How to overcome the affair? First of all, realise that it says nothing about you. We all have marital issues. Not all of us cheat.

 

This man she left you for – he's nothing special. As her co-worker, I expect he knew very well that she was married. His core values are as suspect as your ex's. He's no prize.

 

What do you do now? I can tell you what I did. I hired a therapist to help with my mental state, and a personal trainer to help with my confidence. I surrounded myself with family and friends, and I promised myself that I'd never speak with my ex again (predictably, she's the one that keeps reaching out).

 

Get fit. Go out. Make new friends. Be confident. Your ex-wife has given you a gift. Make a better life for yourself with someone that truly loves and respects you.

 

P.

[Trimmer]

You also seem quite calm and rational about it all. I'm not hearing about you begging to take her back, or losing sleep, or not eating. I've heard people get more upset over moving house than divorcing after 20 years together.

You kinda missed the rhetorical construct there, didn't you? I think you meant "I've heard people get more upset over moving house than you are about divorcing after 20 years together," don't you?

 

I could be way out of line here, but it sounds like you are more peeved and a bit confused, than devastated. You don't sound like a man who has lost the love of his life. It sounds like you see it as an inconvenience or an irritation. Maybe that was why she went. She was in a loveless marriage and just had enough.

So, because the OP is able to put together a coherent, rational post describing his situation and chose not to bare his soul regarding whatever emotions he might be dealing with, you conclude that he's a cold fish, and responsible for the loveless marriage that drove his wife away?

 

The OP may be rational enough not to be offended by that assertion, but on his behalf, I am...

 

You should do see a counsellor to talk things through, and this may help you with future relationships.

I certainly agree with this as generally good advice; I just don't agree with your jumping to the victim-blaming conclusion that it's the OP's fault for having created a loveless marriage, based on the scant evidence of your impression of the tone of his post, when it may just be that he's not ready to share his pain on a public forum just yet.

 

My ex-wife told me 1 1/2 months ago that she wanted to leave. It was pretty out of the blue. There were issues, but not "leave a 20 year marriage" issues that I was aware of....

 

I think she will probably continue to see him after this (though she protests that she has no idea what exactly the future holds, I have seen her subtly shift in how she says it in a way that again makes me think she plans on seeing him).

 

My question is, does anyone have tips or thoughts on how to overcome an "exit affair" like this when you are the betrayed spouse? So much on forums like this are geared toward when the betraying spouse wants to try to reconcile. I don't even have that level of control; she was done with the relationship. How in the hell do you get over essentially being left for another man? (I note that she has said she has no idea whether we could ever reconcile down the road, because again, how can she know the future, but again after reading forums like this, I know that is rationally just minor cake eating/not wanting to just smash me by saying she could never want me - right now she is using the classic "I need to be on my own and find myself" line.)

I have the same question as others have asked, about whether you have children, and if so, what ages?

 

If you don't have them, or they are grown by now, I would say the first thing you should do to recover is to limit or eliminate contact with your ex. You said "...she protests that she has no idea what exactly the future holds...", and I would suggest that discussion between the two of you about what the future holds is one of the things that will be an obstacle to your overcoming this and moving forward in your own new life as an individual.

 

I don't mean to minimize the affair - as a matter of fact, I went through a marriage breakup with a very similar profile as yours: minor sticking points but not seeming enough to blow everything up, apparent affair with a "just a friend", with increased texting and "love you..." type crap, ultimately a unilateral departure with no further discussion or attempts to fix things, and realization that the affair was likely more than just emotional, and was going to continue after the divorce... But I think your real grief in the long run will be less specific to the affair, and more over the general loss of the marriage, although at the moment it may seem like you are focused on the affair as the catalyst of that blowup. In the longer-term view, however, I think you'll see that the affair will dim in importance, and the real healing you will need will be from the loss of your long-time partner, irrespective of how that happened.

 

Again, I'm not saying that the affair wasn't horrible and traumatic - I just found that in my case, I was initially outraged and anguished in my focus on the affair, and it wasn't until I got somewhat past that, that I actually started working on the real issue to help me move forward, which was dealing with the loss of my partner.

 

Now, it sounds like you are somewhat still in contact with her about the future and what it might hold. And it also sounds like you have a somewhat rational view of any of her pronouncements about "no idea if we could reconcile..." That's one of those statements that is SAFE SAFE SAFE for her to throw out there, because even if she feels certain that she will never reconcile, it is still a plausible statement: she can say it and still feel like it's more-or-less honest (hey, who can predict the future, right?) And the big benefit: it keeps you somewhat pacified, and somewhat hanging around, feeling like you might want to stay cool and not rock the boat, in case there is some hope for the future.

 

But ultimately - and I think you see this, but I'm just validating it - it's an empty and ultimately meaningless statement. We can't know for sure what's in her head, but my suggestion is that if she took the energy, and went to all the effort of upending her own life to divorce you essentially unilaterally, then realistically she probably doesn't have a lot of room for reconciliation in the future.

 

The consequence of this realization is that - with the possible exception of parenting any kids you have together - any interactions between the two of you will primarily have the twin effects of (a) serving her emotional needs, by using you as a buffer, a safety net (some call this the "emotional tampon" syndrome), and (b) impeding your own recovery and ability to move on, because you are still tied to this element of your past, and basing some part of your current behavior upon hopes that she just might return to you in the future. This orientation on your part will be an obstacle to your moving on, because you will remain - to some degree - in limbo.

 

So the advice here is to begin to sever ties to your past - i.e. her - by putting some thought into the idea that she is most likely gone permanently, and therefore limiting your interactions with her. This will help take your attention off this attachment to your past and your fantasy that she could be a part of the path to your future, which she is most likely not.

 

Note, I am not saying "forget her, forget your marriage, erase all memories, etc..." That would be impossible, and silly, of course. Your marriage is a part of your life and your past, and certainly has elements that are positive, and memories that can be respected. My point is that as you heal and move forward, you should endeavor to reduce and ultimately remove this link to her as a part of your present and future path.

 

Edited to add:

I just want to acknowledge that the two posters above me, Hardgrind and prekopsian, both have excellent points - in several instances, stated much more concisely than I was able to do!

Edited November 19, 2014 by Trimmer

[No Limit]

Stop contacting her or block all paths for her to contact you (unless you have non-adult children). Don't listen to her excuses, justifications and other wastes her brain comes up with. You're out of a marriage, you are now free to do as you please. You don't have to think of her anymore. I hope that the fact that her caring about you has also ceased will help you with that in time.

[road]

Stop contacting her or block all paths for her to contact you (unless you have non-adult children). Don't listen to her excuses, justifications and other wastes her brain comes up with. You're out of a marriage, you are now free to do as you please. You don't have to think of her anymore. I hope that the fact that her caring about you has also ceased will help you with that in time.

 

 

 

Being you chose to not fight the affair then you must go NC, no contact with your WW for life starting now.

[Frogger]

^^^^^^

 

I thought that. You also seem quite calm and rational about it all. I'm not hearing about you begging to take her back, or losing sleep, or not eating. I've heard people get more upset over moving house than divorcing after 20 years together.

 

I could be way out of line here, but it sounds like you are more peeved and a bit confused, than devastated. You don't sound like a man who has lost the love of his life. It sounds like you see it as an inconvenience or an irritation. Maybe that was why she went. She was in a loveless marriage and just had enough.

 

You haven't mentioned children so I'm assuming there aren't any.

 

You should do see a counsellor to talk things through, and this may help you with future relationships.

 

Way, way out of line. I thought she was my soul mate. I begged her to stay. I begged her to come back. I have broken down crying in front of her repeatedly. I lost 20 pounds from being unable to eat. I haven't slept more than three hours a night in a long time.

 

We have two children, 15 and 13.

 

She states she feels bad, but that in the end, she doesn't care about me. And that she is not staying.

 

So since she is utterly refusing to stay, I didn't really see the value in explaining how absolutely gutted I am. She has told me on need to move on.

 

I am seeing a counselor. Frankly, not a lot of answers have come from that. Because there really don't seem to be a lot of answers.

 

What kind of ****ing response did you give? Why the hell would I be asking for help getting over this if I didn't love her and was just a bit peeved? If that were the case, why would I need help moving on?

 

As to Lady Luck, yes, it literally was out of the blue for me. I would ask her, probably every three-four months thought the marriage, if she was happy, if everyjng was fine, if there was anything we needed to work on. I asked because I knew rationally that things can fester in relationships, and I did not want to assume. Her response was always, "I'm fine, I love you."

 

When I asked why she didn't say anything in response to all those times I asked, she said that she was used to putting aside her own problems, and did not want to say anything because she wanted me to be happy.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Frogger

[jackslife]

Way, way out of line.

 

Please accept my apologies. I misinterpreted your original post.

[Realist3]

Again, I'm not saying that the affair wasn't horrible and traumatic - I just found that in my case, I was initially outraged and anguished in my focus on the affair, and it wasn't until I got somewhat past that, that I actually started working on the real issue to help me move forward, which was dealing with the loss of my partner.

 

This x 1000!!!!

 

The affair itself is not something to focus on. It was simply a tool to confirm her already made up mind that she was leaving you. You have to look at the previous 19 years. At some point she checked out; and in a marriage of 20 years just to up and leave suggests it was some time ago. Her check out point may have been 2-5 years ago, and she finally made the decision to make it final.

[oldshirt]

Sit down and think about what would happen if she were killed in a car wreck on her way home from work. Think about what you would have done had she died unexpectedly instead. Think about what you would've done to carry on with your life had she died...

 

......do that.

 

 

Other than coparenting child care arrangements she is dead. She is essentially a corpse other than she is still walking and breathing.

 

Do what you would've done is she died. You would've been in shock and disbelief. Then sadness. Then fear over what will happen next and how life will be without her.

 

Then over time you would burying her (figuratively speaking) mourn her loss then begin to pick up the pieces and begin making plans to move on for yourself and doing things bit by bit, day by day to move forward without her.

 

That's what you need to do now.

[jm2013]

Way, way out of line. I thought she was my soul mate. I begged her to stay. I begged her to come back. I have broken down crying in front of her repeatedly. I lost 20 pounds from being unable to eat. I haven't slept more than three hours a night in a long time.

 

She states she feels bad, but that in the end, she doesn't care about me. And that she is not staying.

 

So since she is utterly refusing to stay, I didn't really see the value in explaining how absolutely gutted I am. She has told me on need to move on.

 

I am seeing a counselor. Frankly, not a lot of answers have come from that. Because there really don't seem to be a lot of answers.

 

What kind of ****ing response did you give? Why the hell would I be asking for help getting over this if I didn't love her and was just a bit peeved? If that were the case, why would I need help moving on?

 

Frogger, do you really deep down inside want this woman back? I know things probably are rather messy inside right now but after about half a year to a year when you're able to process everything the picture gets cleared. It is like looking at one of those pictures that you have to bring close to your face and stare at for a minute and slowly pull it away before you see the real picture. Right now things are not clear right now. Your life just got tossed up side down.

 

I'm sure you are going to ask yourself why about a million times. There won't be a logical answer to your questions besides she is broken. There is a flaw in her. I'm sure after she gets done with her fling she'll be knocking at your door when she's left with nothing (I am hoping at this point you'd be moved on). I don't think the success rates for with AP's last long. Just like any other relationship I'm sure it will hit the same walls as the other. Not to mention I am sure tensions will run higher within each family due to the circumstances. It creates a lot of resentment.

 

Do you have any hobbies? Try and get yourself involved with something to take your mind of things. Work on you. Eat good, lift some weights do some reading. I went to alcohol for a little while then stopped. It did not do anything but made it all worse. If you're having trouble sleeping go to your drugstore and buy some over the counter sleep aids. I've been doing this for a year and it has worked good for me. Though now I'm trying to get off of them and have a natural sleep cycle from wearing myself down at the gym. I'm sure when time allows you'll get into the dating phase which may make this road a little easier as well. Soon to discover there are indeed other women out there who perhaps don't carry these types of flaws. A woman who cherishes and values her time with you and would never betray you on such levels. Good luck. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. Looking ahead there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[oldshirt]

Also look up and institute "The 180" and follow it to the letter.

 

A lot of people seem to think the 180 is a strategy to get someone back. It's not. It's a program to help people get back on their own feet and move forward without the other person and it is also a means to keep people from being manipulated and used by their ex. It's a means to develop yourself so that you don't keep trying to hold on and are able to let go and move with your own life.

[Striver]

As to Lady Luck, yes, it literally was out of the blue for me. I would ask her, probably every three-four months thought the marriage, if she was happy, if everyjng was fine, if there was anything we needed to work on. I asked because I knew rationally that things can fester in relationships, and I did not want to assume. Her response was always, "I'm fine, I love you."

 

When I asked why she didn't say anything in response to all those times I asked, she said that she was used to putting aside her own problems, and did not want to say anything because she wanted me to be happy.

 

If you were checking in with her regularly, you were doing more than most people do.

 

Maybe she can't articulate what went wrong. Not your problem, but it happens. Maybe what was wrong was something innate to yourself that you can't change. Also not your problem, but it happens. You weren't her type somehow, or her type changed, but the effort you put into the marriage was a reason she stayed around as long as she did. Or she had built up resentments. Those are some possibilities.

[Frogger]

Please accept my apologies. I misinterpreted your original post.

 

Completely accepted. You just hit a nerve is all, I completely understand it was unintended.

 

Honestly as well, all I have to type this on is an iPad, so it is hard to be really elaborate in my description (so I understand how what I wrote may have seemed a bit terse or brief). I should be at a real computer soon, and can better respond then.

[Realist3]

Not necessarily true, of course. There's a decent chance that your wife was satisfied with the marriage, and she's going through a process of reinventing your relationship in order to justify her behaviour.

 

If we become unhappy with our partnerships we can speak up, or we can end them. If we choose the former, we owe it to ourselves to be open about our issues, and explicit about their seriousness.

 

There is no excuse for cheating.

 

 

What? She left stone cold. The only thing she is re-inventing is her new life.

[harrybrown]

Did you end up with custody of your kids?

 

Did you have to pay her alimony, child support and get a rotten property settlement? I hope not.

 

She is not the same woman that you married, if she is having this A.

 

You are in pain, I am sorry. The emotional flooding is very difficult to control.

 

Your self-esteem is shot, mine was and sometimes I go back there. It has taken a few years for the pain to lessen.

 

Exercise does help. continue the counseling. And the 180 will be your best friend. Cut her out of your life as fast and completely as possible.

 

No contact, except texting about the kids. Cut her out like cancer.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[fellini]

Not sure what you have is an exit affair, per se - in an exit affair though, it's pretty much true, the WS is looking for a way out the door. The difference is they want the BS to do the job. Your WS told you its over. Another aspect, at least as far as Brown is concerned is that for her EXIT affairs signal the end of the marriage as viable FOR BOTH PARTNERS, but being essentially conflict avoiders neither has the guts to call it quits. So one uses the affair to get the other to call it for them.

 

BROWN has an entire chapter in her book on the Treatment of infidelity focussed on EXIT affairs, but you might find her material on SPLIT SELF more interesting and more relevant. Equally good is Michelle Langley's "WOMEN'S INFIDELITY" where she discuss in incredible detail why women leave their life partners after 15, 20 30 years.

 

Good luck with this uninvited mess in your life.

 

 

My ex-wife told me 1 1/2 months ago that she wanted to leave. It was pretty out of the blue. There were issues, but not "leave a 20 year marriage" issues that I was aware of.

 

I later found out she was having at least an emotional affair for at least 2-3 months before she told me she wanted to leave (and though she strongly denies it, I know the odds are that it was probably physical as well, just based on reading forums like these). I think the affair was mostly just 2-3 months before she told me she wanted to leave, because that's when her text messages hugely spiked.

 

When I confronted her about the affair (I had some details from chat logs, and know she typed "I love you at least a couple of times", but no certain evidence of sex), she first tried to say that she wasn't sure of what she was doing, that she was just messed up from being unhappy and wanting to leave me, and that she wasn't even sure what this guy meant to her. The guy is a co-worker (she works part time, in the nature of working a few weeks or months at a time, then having a few weeks or months off).

 

Again though, as I see so often in the common pattern on these sites, my intuition is that she probably downplayed the severity of the relationship, emotional or otherwise.

 

We are now divorced. She did not even want to try reconciliation. She wanted out. (Before you ask, you can get a divorce very quickly in my state if you know what you are doing and each spouse agrees on how to divide things, etc.) I think she will probably continue to see him after this (though she protests that she has no idea what exactly the future holds, I have seen her subtly shift in how she says it in a way that again makes me think she plans on seeing him).

 

My question is, does anyone have tips or thoughts on how to overcome an "exit affair" like this when you are the betrayed spouse? So much on forums like this are geared toward when the betraying spouse wants to try to reconcile. I don't even have that level of control; she was done with the relationship. How in the hell do you get over essentially being left for another man? (I note that she has said she has no idea whether we could ever reconcile down the road, because again, how can she know the future, but again after reading forums like this, I know that is rationally just minor cake eating/not wanting to just smash me by saying she could never want me - right now she is using the classic "I need to be on my own and find myself" line.)

[HereNorThere]

You are being way too nice. Don't expect her to respect you if you can't even respect yourself. She's the one who was caught cheating (and yes, she's definitely sleeping with this guy) and YOU'RE the one in the extended stay hotel?

 

Get your ass to a therapist right now and start fight for yourself. Don't be a pushover. You're a co-dependent mess right now.

 

Stay strong and kick this bish to curb. Right now she knows that you're still an option. You have to let her know how it feels to be rejected. I know it's hard, man, but you gotta stay strong.

 

P.S. - iPad 3 and above has voice dictation. Hit the microphone button on the virtual keyboard and speak your text

[dichotomy]

My first wife left while involved with another man (married with kids). She showed no remorse (except when she got her ass handed to her by our marriage therapist during our court mandated sessions).

 

I never got any real answers from her - why and what was going on. I can tell you by that time (of her exit affair) what ever issues she had with me or the marriage had been brewing for years and with that came such a resentment that she offered no humanity back to me at the end. Cold and cruel and justified she was.

 

Oh - and the guy she was with - never worked out. He was very much an exit affair or bridge. I found out later from OM's wife she got desperate as our separation and divorce proceeded - even giving OM keys to her new apartment begging him to come and stay with her now that she had her own place. Pathetic.

 

It took me 1.5 years to work this out and get over it mostly. Weekly Therapy, drugs (drugs did not work work).... I was a mess.

 

I had to form a clear picture of what happened as best I could, understand her motivations. I think I got it pretty well nailed. I do remember that day - maybe it was a week, when my mind suddenly switched over - and it was done, no more pain or obsessing. I also remember why it changed - what i was doing - but it would sound strange to you all what finally did it...but it was about freedom for me from being me. I had to be comfortable with me.

 

One thing I learned was that 1.5 years was way, way to long for me to be stewing and retreating from life. I waited way too long to get myself right - and get out and date. 6-9 months should have been enough... but then it takes what it takes for everyone.

[GorillaTheater]

My posts tend to be short, so Frogger please don't take the length of this one as disrespecting the effort you put into your last post, but it seems to me that you're looking for closure, although I suppose it might be couched in other terms.

 

I totally get the desire for closure, and answers to some pretty fundamental questions like what could have possibly motivated your ex, and how on earth did things get so screwed up. In my 50+ years of experience, though, it seems to me that "closure" as such is an illusion for the most part. Any real closure we get comes from within as we come to terms with and accept what happened, whether we remotely understand it or not.

 

I suggest that, unless you have kids together which would make contact unavoidable to some extent, that never speaking to her again will get you to a place of healing and, to the extent it exists, closure, that much sooner.

 

In other words, you're unlikely to ever get answers from her that will make you feel better about and help you understand just what the hell happened.

Edited November 19, 2014 by GorillaTheater

[Frogger]

You are being way too nice. Don't expect her to respect you if you can't even respect yourself. She's the one who was caught cheating (and yes, she's definitely sleeping with this guy) and YOU'RE the one in the extended stay hotel?

 

I have to be clearer about that. I'm in an extended stay hotel because she kept the house in the divorce. I move into a new place sometime in early January. I have the right to stay in the house, but so far I have found that very difficult, as she is there as well, and it is hard to be in the same house without talking to her, hard to have her come home without wondering if she has been with this other guy, etc.

 

But I want to be very clear - even though I gave up the house, I got an incredible divorce settlement in my favor. I don't want to go into the exact details of my assets, but my own attorney (who is quite good, and I have some idea, as I am an attorney myself) told me that I never would have gotten anywhere near what I got if the divorce had been contested.

 

So I just don't want anyone to think that because she got the house, I got screwed in the divorce. Quite the contrary. The house really is not worth all that much from a valuation perspective, and I got far more in cash and assets (along with not having to pay spousal support and other benefits) than I gave up in the house.

 

My first wife left while involved with another man (married with kids). She showed no remorse (except when she got her ass handed to her by our marriage therapist during our court mandated sessions).

 

I never got any real answers from her - why and what was going on. I can tell you by that time (of her exit affair) what ever issues she had with me or the marriage had been brewing for years and with that came such a resentment that she offered no humanity back to me at the end. Cold and cruel and justified she was.

 

Yes. I wouldn't say my ex-wife is being cold, but she does have this sort of smug, zen-master like, "I've figured it out, you will too, it will just take you time," thing going on. It is actually quite irritating. She is acting like she has figured everything out, has come to peace with everything, etc. She says things like, "I need to be alone, I'm not afraid of being alone. You will find that too some day, it will just take you time."

 

I keep wanting to scream at her, "Then why aren't you ****ing alone? You're not afraid to be alone, yet you apparently weren't actually able to do that, since you had a ****ing affair, one that is probably continuing after the divorce. I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time working through this, given that I did not go to some ****ing female co-worker outside of my marriage to give me support and 'comfort' to get through this."

 

I started talking that way a bit mid-last week. I realized it wasn't productive, it was just going to explode our ability to be civil post-divorce regarding the children, etc. It is part of why I moved out early.

 

Oh - and the guy she was with - never worked out. He was very much an exit affair or bridge. I found out later from OM's wife she got desperate as our separation and divorce proceeded - even giving OM keys to her new apartment begging him to come and stay with her now that she had her own place. Pathetic.

 

I keep being tempted to think about that type of thing and wonder about it, but I have been trying to resist. First, I do not think in every case that the relationship with the other person will not work out. I do not want to set myself up for investing mental energy in wanting it to fail, because if it works, it will just be another disappointment/sadness down the road. Second, I realize that continuing to think about her and where she is post-divorce just means my mind is focused on her and not me.

 

I realize it is probably impossible not to wonder how things will work out for her, but I'm trying really hard to resist thinking about it.

 

My posts tend to be short, so Frogger please don't take the length of this one as disrespecting the effort you put into your last post, but it seems to me that you're looking for closure, although I suppose it might be couched in other terms.

 

No thought whatsoever that you are being disrespectful. I'm replying to about 20 people so my posts are long by definition. You're just trying to help by getting your point across. I appreciate it.

 

I totally get the desire for closure, and answers to some pretty fundamental questions like what could have possibly motivated your ex, and how on earth did things get so screwed up. In my 50+ years of experience, though, it seems to me that "closure" as such is an illusion for the most part. Any real closure we get comes from within as we come to terms with and accept what happened, whether we remotely understand it or not.

 

I suggest that, unless you have kids together which would make contact unavoidable to some extent, that never speaking to her again will get you to a place of healing and, to the extent it exists, closure, that much sooner.

 

In other words, you're unlikely to ever get answers from her that will make you feel better about and help you understand just what the hell happened.

 

I've had family and some friends (I do have at least a couple of friends) tell me that. My sister's long-term boyfriend had something similar happen. He said I'm going to thrash around for answers for a long time (months if not a year or more). But that I will eventually understand that I'm never going to get all the answers, and that ultimately, it does not really matter. That what matters is that it is over, and I will have moved on, and that "knowing" ultimately is not as important as it originally feels like it is.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Frogger

[TrustedthenBusted]

EA = PA who is lying.

 

 

I'd go get laid and see if that helps.