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How long does it take a wayward wife to get "over it"?


VeryBrokenMan

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VeryBrokenMan

I know I've seen 3 to 5 years quoted for the BS, but what about the WS?

 

Does it take just as long?

 

Assuming they want to reconcile what is their pain like compared to the BS?

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I know I've seen 3 to 5 years quoted for the BS, but what about the WS?

 

Does it take just as long?

 

Assuming they want to reconcile what is their pain like compared to the BS?

 

You cannot put a figure on this, she may have as much investment in the OM as she has with a waiter, a mechanic, a doctor or a lawyer (ie none, he merely did a job for her) or the OM may be the "love of her life" and she will take a lifetime to get over him.

All levels of investment in between.

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Get over the emotional/physical loss of the OM or getting over the incident as it applies to the hurt she caused and the sorrow and embarrassment she may feel?

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VeryBrokenMan
Get over the emotional/physical loss of the OM or getting over the incident as it applies to the hurt she caused and the sorrow and embarrassment she may feel?

 

Well I guess both. Her affair was 3 months long, I guess I want to know when she will get over losing him and also when she gets over the devastation she has caused me.

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I'm a WW...it's been 3 1/2 years since my DDay which ended my A. For me, I feel the embarrassment, humiliation, and regret everyday. The first year, it was crippling for me to socialize, to work, to function normally day to day. I put up the front that it was all ok but alone I would cry every day and every night. Over the next few years, I cry less but feel it daily. It's like a haunting feeling - I can laugh, enjoy myself, my husband, family and friends. But there's always a lil bit of sadness and guilt. I remind myself that I can't change what I have done in the past and that I have my family and husband with me now, right this moment, I should appreciate the moment completely.

 

I'm forever humbled by what I have done and I try to remind myself what blessing this second chance is!

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VeryBrokenMan
I'm a WW...it's been 3 1/2 years since my DDay which ended my A. For me, I feel the embarrassment, humiliation, and regret everyday. The first year, it was crippling for me to socialize, to work, to function normally day to day. I put up the front that it was all ok but alone I would cry every day and every night. Over the next few years, I cry less but feel it daily. It's like a haunting feeling - I can laugh, enjoy myself, my husband, family and friends. But there's always a lil bit of sadness and guilt. I remind myself that I can't change what I have done in the past and that I have my family and husband with me now, right this moment, I should appreciate the moment completely.

 

I'm forever humbled by what I have done and I try to remind myself what blessing this second chance is!

 

That's pretty moving, thanks for posting it. Hope my wife can get there.

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Well I guess both. Her affair was 3 months long, I guess I want to know when she will get over losing him and also when she gets over the devastation she has caused me.

 

Do you know for sure it was only 3 months long? How long would it take you to get over a woman you were dating for 3 months? You're pretty fresh into this. I'd try to make sure you know what the true timeline is. My wife initially told me she "did not" have an affair and it only happened "one" time and was stopped. She stuck with that story for awhile and even in counseling. Then I drilled her more and more repeatedly and it went from one time to five times with an affair that lasted over a year.

 

I used to think I was in the 90% range. But you start getting a sixth sense to smell out BS. Lately I've pondered it and who she was during her affair. The more I think about it the more I get sick to my stomach wondering how my wife carried the strength to go to work and be a completely different woman for him while coming home to me, her husband with bitterness and hatred. She went out of her way to even compare me to him at times. These are things you cycle through your head over and over again. I've probably replayed how she was, what we did and what happened over that course. I have had many sleepless nights pondering this. In my case I think I'm at a point where she knows there's enough info on the table for me to settle with. Perhaps 5 sounded better than 100. Maybe they banged every day for all I know. I have no clue but nothing surprises me anymore. How is one supposed to trust the words that come out of their WW's mouths after such betrayals? Trickle truthing and further deepening the betrayal I think helps just crush and destroy the marriage completely. If she came to me initially and told me I think I could have dealt with it better. Initially I would have been just as upset. But I think down the road I would have looked back and gave a small amount of respect for the fact she had enough guilt to come to me and tell me the truth without me uncovering everything having to play PI and have her lie over and over again to my face.

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I've probably replayed how she was, what we did and what happened over that course. I have had many sleepless nights pondering this. In my case I think I'm at a point where she knows there's enough info on the table for me to settle with. Perhaps 5 sounded better than 100. Maybe they banged every day for all I know. I have no clue but nothing surprises me anymore. How is one supposed to trust the words that come out of their WW's mouths after such betrayals? Trickle truthing and further deepening the betrayal I think helps just crush and destroy the marriage completely. If she came to me initially and told me I think I could have dealt with it better. Initially I would have been just as upset. But I think down the road I would have looked back and gave a small amount of respect for the fact she had enough guilt to come to me and tell me the truth without me uncovering everything having to play PI and have her lie over and over again to my face.

 

Have you told her this?

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Do you know for sure it was only 3 months long? How long would it take you to get over a woman you were dating for 3 months? You're pretty fresh into this. I'd try to make sure you know what the true timeline is. My wife initially told me she "did not" have an affair and it only happened "one" time and was stopped. She stuck with that story for awhile and even in counseling. Then I drilled her more and more repeatedly and it went from one time to five times with an affair that lasted over a year.

 

I used to think I was in the 90% range. But you start getting a sixth sense to smell out BS. Lately I've pondered it and who she was during her affair. The more I think about it the more I get sick to my stomach wondering how my wife carried the strength to go to work and be a completely different woman for him while coming home to me, her husband with bitterness and hatred. She went out of her way to even compare me to him at times. These are things you cycle through your head over and over again. I've probably replayed how she was, what we did and what happened over that course. I have had many sleepless nights pondering this. In my case I think I'm at a point where she knows there's enough info on the table for me to settle with. Perhaps 5 sounded better than 100. Maybe they banged every day for all I know. I have no clue but nothing surprises me anymore. How is one supposed to trust the words that come out of their WW's mouths after such betrayals? Trickle truthing and further deepening the betrayal I think helps just crush and destroy the marriage completely. If she came to me initially and told me I think I could have dealt with it better. Initially I would have been just as upset. But I think down the road I would have looked back and gave a small amount of respect for the fact she had enough guilt to come to me and tell me the truth without me uncovering everything having to play PI and have her lie over and over again to my face.

 

Just walk away from this decaying marriage and get divorced. You will begin to heal as soon as you make the decision to do it and even more when you start up the action. You are too young to be so miserable and throw your happiness away. You've tried hard and you simply are not the kind of man who will ever accept what she did to you.

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Well I guess both. Her affair was 3 months long, I guess I want to know when she will get over losing him and also when she gets over the devastation she has caused me.

 

If my husband even sort of seemed like he was having a hard time "getting over the loss" of his AP, well, that curb can really hurt.

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Have you told her this?

 

Yes.

 

Just walk away from this decaying marriage and get divorced. You will begin to heal as soon as you make the decision to do it and even more when you start up the action. You are too young to be so miserable and throw your happiness away. You've tried hard and you simply are not the kind of man who will ever accept what she did to you.

 

This is where I'm having trouble. Maybe two years out does it get better? Does the pain really go "away" and scar? Or will I always look back and say, wow look at what this woman did. She had an affair that lasted over a year, thought she was in love with with this guy then chose me! I feel special. Could this marriage have a possibility of blossoming into something that was better? I guess I still have so many questions. But for one, things to me at least get less desirable as time passes by. I look around me and wonder if down the road I could find the right one. I didn't the first round but maybe years down the road there's a woman who would never consider having an affair. I also look around me and wonder how much infidelity I'm actually surrounded by in the office.

 

I'm going to give this a little time. I'm in no hurry. I'm paying off bills and getting out of debt right now. Also, I like being around my daughter all the time. Here's the weird part. My wife is making me happy right now. No arguing, plenty of sex and good communication. The things that are really bothering me are my pesky memory and feeling like her plan B. I'm sure her emotional pain from being discovered healed rather quickly while I get to sit back and revisit those feelings and look back at everything that happened over the course of the year and just say wow. I just want to add one more thing, I still don't trust her. I trust "some" things about her but I don't have any deep trust for her. She shattered that repeatedly. I'm not sure if there's a way that would ever come back or if these feelings would be there for the duration of the marriage.

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thaikickboxgirl

I'm sorry to say in my case I never got over it. Married 15 years and cheated 5 times. But I am also bipolar and part of that leads to obsession with other men.

 

I hope it works out for you though.

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Bittersweetie

I'm forever humbled by what I have done and I try to remind myself what blessing this second chance is!

 

I have to agree with this statement. I'm a fWW, almost five years out from d-day. I am thankful every day for the second chance my H gave me and our relationship. I've used that second chance to work on both myself and my relationship. I made horrendously poor choices that hurt people. I wish I hadn't, but I cannot go back and unchange things. So I've made the decision to learn from those choices and be the best person I can be. That doesn't mean I have forgotten what I did or the pain I caused. I am just spending my energy focusing mostly on the road ahead rather than the rear view mirror.

 

To answer your question, for me the A was over before d-day. I was addicted to xOM and it was more about breaking that addiction. Once I went completely NC (including not even googling/FB stalking, etc), I moved on from xOM. As for "getting over" the devastation I caused my H, I still struggle with that sometimes. One cannot take back the pain caused, but I do my best every day to make him feel loved and safe now.

 

Hope this helps.

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Never. What would they regret? Cake eating? Please, deception doesn't kill you. And even if it did, a wayward spouse has at least 1 person to comfort them.

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I know I've seen 3 to 5 years quoted for the BS, but what about the WS?

 

Does it take just as long?

 

Assuming they want to reconcile what is their pain like compared to the BS?

 

 

Well VeryBrokenMan I can tell you exactly how long it will take a WW to get over it when she is with me. It will take her about 2.5 seconds to get over her OM and be worried about more important things like where to live, because she will be out on her butt. However do they feel any pain, of course they do. They feel the pain of having to find someone else to use and abuse. Oh, you mean do they feel pain because of the pain they have caused you? Sorry not a chance on this one, your just another person that was convenient to use and now that the cheating is out of the bag she will just be wondering when you will get over it. The only pain or sorrow that is felt is that of getting caught and nothing more. I give no woman a second chance and only a very select few even get a first chance. If you want companionship adopt a dog. If you want to get laid, see an escort. Besides women are cheaper at an hourly rate and unlike marriage their is no balloon payment at the end.

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lilmisscantbewrong

I think every circumstance is different. I am close to 5 years from my last (and final) DDay and it was excruciating the first year, for certain. Our situation was hard because we were all friends, so not only did I lose, what I thought at the time was my "best friend", we all lost friends - people we went to church with, vacationed with, went to dinner with, etc. So my husband will even tell you now that he felt the loss as well. It changed everything.

 

 

My husband was obviously hurt, devastated, angry, etc. But he did love me - he was just lost, lonely and didn't know where HE went wrong (and at that point he hadn't done anything wrong).

 

 

I don't want to make excuses or anything, but when someone is in your life regularly and then all of a sudden they are gone because of no contact, it is like death. There isn't any way around it. My husband knew I was grieving (imagined or real) and he was too. We both were grieving.

 

 

All this to say, it does take time - sometimes lots of it. Both he and I are the same people we always were, but we are also different. The focus is different now. We both have done things we regret (he ended up having an affair about a year after my last Dday). But now I think we understand what we almost lost - our life we had built together.

 

 

It is MUCH better today. I can tell you that from experience. There are times that Xmom does come to mind, but it is different now. It is much easier to move on and not dwell. Things will remind you. In fact I have thought much lately about how the weather will ALWAYS remind me. When it turned cold just in the last week, it was a clear, cold reminder of those initial days and weeks right after Dday. I don't know if that will ever go away no matter what happens.

 

 

I know I might be attacked for saying this, but give her time. If you love her and if she loves you and wants to make it work, give her the time to heal. Help her heal by asking what you can do - maybe she just wants to be held? During the initial few months, I needed to feel my husband's arms around me. Allow her to ask you what YOU need to heal.

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain - truly I am - I would not wish what I went through on my worst enemy - truly I wouldn't.

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Decisiontomake

I have been both a BS and a WW and have very simple comments on this post.

 

 

They feel the pain of having to find someone else to use and abuse. Oh, you mean do they feel pain because of the pain they have caused you? Sorry not a chance on this one, your just another person that was convenient to use and now that the cheating is out of the bag she will just be wondering when you will get over it. The only pain or sorrow that is felt is that of getting caught and nothing more.

The above is NOT true.

 

 

 

 

I give no woman a second chance and only a very select few even get a first chance. If you want companionship adopt a dog. If you want to get laid, see an escort. Besides women are cheaper at an hourly rate and unlike marriage their is no balloon payment at the end.

Seriously? This does NOTHING to help the OP.

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Yes.

This is where I'm having trouble. Maybe two years out does it get better? Does the pain really go "away" and scar?

 

Throw out any expectations regarding timeline. First, we are all different and second - a timeline is a way of saying to yourself that time will magically heal this wound.

 

Or will I always look back and say, wow look at what this woman did. She had an affair that lasted over a year, thought she was in love with with this guy then chose me! I feel special. Could this marriage have a possibility of blossoming into something that was better? I guess I still have so many questions. But for one, things to me at least get less desirable as time passes by. I look around me and wonder if down the road I could find the right one. I didn't the first round but maybe years down the road there's a woman who would never consider having an affair. I also look around me and wonder how much infidelity I'm actually surrounded by in the office.

 

There is no silver lining here and I know you know that as well. You aren't going to ever feel "special" because your wife had a LTR and then "chose" you. You busted her. You have no idea how long this would have gone on. By definition you are plan B. She might deny that and say that she loved you much more than OM. But her plan A was to have you both. You for security and companionship and him for the passion and hot sex.

 

And thinking about finding the "right" one is probably not a good way to look at life after divorce. Just be yourself, by yourself, and date the women who interest you. The rest takes care of itself.

 

I'm going to give this a little time.

I'm in no hurry. I'm paying off bills and getting out of debt right now. Also, I like being around my daughter all the time. Here's the weird part. My wife is making me happy right now. No arguing, plenty of sex and good communication.

 

Your in no hurry because you are young-ish and can't picture yourself 15 years down the road. Paying bills and getting out of debt is a good thing, but compared to your emotional recovery and a chance for happiness it doesn't mean a thing.

 

And how long do you think your wife can entertain you by not arguing & talking with you about her feelings and giving you all the sex you want? I don't know either but this is not reality for any marriage. Just sayin'

 

The things that are really bothering me are my pesky memory and feeling like her plan B. I'm sure her emotional pain from being discovered healed rather quickly
while I get to sit back and revisit those feelings and look back at everything that happened over the course of the year and just say wow. I just want to add one more thing, I still don't trust her. I trust "some" things about her but I don't have any deep trust for her. She shattered that repeatedly. I'm not sure if there's a way that would ever come back or if these feelings would be there for the duration of the marriage.

 

I can safely say that you will never forget what she did. And when the thought pops into your mind it will hurt all over again. You will learn how to swallow your feelings - most of the time - when this happens, but it will always cause you pain. Like me, you might come to the realization that you should have divorced her back then because you simply are not going to "get over" this - but now you are invested even more heavily in the marriage and family then you were then. Splitting is not going to get easier.

 

You have to make a tough call here. You have to try to project out a few years and predict whether you are going to be able to accept all of this and find peace of mind. That you can look at your wife and not see the betrayal. Since I don't think any man can do this I always advocate that he divorce his WW. When their are children involved I do think it's worth trying and maybe even making a conscious decision to stay FOR the kids. But have an exit plan because that will comfort you a little bit when the images of her screwing OM intrude into your mind.

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I know I've seen 3 to 5 years quoted for the BS, but what about the WS?

 

Does it take just as long?

 

Assuming they want to reconcile what is their pain like compared to the BS?

 

 

****Mine got over it when the OM left me pics on a hard drive of her engaged in sex acts she swore she would never do AND never DID WITH ME...AND I SHOWED THEM TO HER FAMILY AND 60 DAYS LATER I FILED FOR D....

 

She got over it then...I promise you!

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Well I guess both. Her affair was 3 months long, I guess I want to know when she will get over losing him and also when she gets over the devastation she has caused me.

 

 

Took my wife 4 years, maybe 5. It was a long process for her to let go of fond feelings, then view OM differently (as a worm), and also finally what she did as wrong in general and wrong to me. But I will be honest I am not married to a woman who dwells on personal regret or shame much - or the past. She lives only in the moment. Wish I was the same.

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I have been both a BS and a WW and have very simple comments on this post.

Originally Posted by revelations viewpost.gif

They feel the pain of having to find someone else to use and abuse. Oh, you mean do they feel pain because of the pain they have caused you? Sorry not a chance on this one, your just another person that was convenient to use and now that the cheating is out of the bag she will just be wondering when you will get over it. The only pain or sorrow that is felt is that of getting caught and nothing more.

The above is NOT true.

 

Wrong, some women and men do react this way. To claim it is not true is to simply hide from the truth.

 

 

I give no woman a second chance and only a very select few even get a first chance. If you want companionship adopt a dog. If you want to get laid, see an escort. Besides women are cheaper at an hourly rate and unlike marriage their is no balloon payment at the end.

Seriously? This does NOTHING to help the OP.

 

Yes it does, it shows him he has more options than simply staying with a cheating wife.

 

I am on here simply to help my fellow man. I help them by reminding them that there is no law and no reason to keep engaging in a behavior that harms them both emotionally and financially. Simply put, most people here do not like it when I tell the slaves that they can leave the plantation.

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Decisiontomake
I am on here simply to help my fellow man. I help them by reminding them that there is no law and no reason to keep engaging in a behavior that harms them both emotionally and financially. Simply put, most people here do not like it when I tell the slaves that they can leave the plantation.

 

Your post -first para - was written to infer that ALL OW/OM react in that way. That's what I was referring to as untrue. And as for "leaving the plantation", I get that but your reference to escorts was a little distasteful. Perhaps there was a better way for the plantation message to have been made!

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Took my wife 4 years, maybe 5. It was a long process for her to let go of fond feelings, then view OM differently (as a worm), and also finally what she did as wrong in general and wrong to me. But I will be honest I am not married to a woman who dwells on personal regret or shame much - or the past. She lives only in the moment. Wish I was the same.

 

 

 

It is a well known fact that many a WW recover their marriage and yet do not show remorse for the affair.

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