Men: how long did it take to choose divorce over reconciliation?

[VeryBrokenMan]

I've know about my wife's affair for about two months and I'm still split

between reconciliation and divorce.

 

She has been doing everything right and that makes it hard but I can't seem

to get past what she has done.

 

When did you know it was over and how did you get to that place?

[TroyNJ]

When I found out she was cheating, the initial shock fogged me for a week or so, then I started moving towards divorce. I will never accept to be disrespected, and chances are they will do it again.

[Davey L]

Short answer is never.

 

Even many years later something can happen to cause you to re-think whether you want to stay.

 

There are people on here that have split up years after infidelity.

[lolablue17]

There isn't a fixed number.

 

after 2 month you should be after the primary shock. you should think a little more clearly.

 

I have a idea... Try to analyze your process during those 2 month. For example, if you feel you want a divorce 70% of the time what was the situation 1 month ago? maybe you felt like divorcing for 90% of the time?

 

I mean - do you identify any process here or is it the same? If it's the same- why wait any longer? just do it.

 

But if there is a process toward reconciliation, try to wait another 1-2 month... see how you feel then.

[Woggle]

About five seconds.

[VeryBrokenMan]

There isn't a fixed number.

 

after 2 month you should be after the primary shock. you should think a little more clearly.

 

I have a idea... Try to analyze your process during those 2 month. For example, if you feel you want a divorce 70% of the time what was the situation 1 month ago? maybe you felt like divorcing for 90% of the time?

 

I mean - do you identify any process here or is it the same? If it's the same- why wait any longer? just do it.

 

But if there is a process toward reconciliation, try to wait another 1-2 month... see how you feel then.

 

 

I considering divorce right after dday but put those thoughts on hold. Only just started thinking about it the last week or so. In a lot of ways the pain is worse now than 2 months ago even though she is trying very hard to make it work.

[lolablue17]

I considering divorce right after dday but put those thoughts on hold. Only just started thinking about it the last week or so. In a lot of ways the pain is worse now than 2 months ago even though she is trying very hard to make it work.

 

Beside the technical decision to put it on hold, do you fear to leave?

 

Are there children\financial issues?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Beside the technical decision to put it on hold, do you fear to leave?

 

Are there children\financial issues?

 

Given all that she is done, part of me wants to make it work but I'm not sure I can get past it even though she is working very hard on her side.

 

No children but financial interests with multiple business's and assets that would be difficult to separate.

[drifter777]

You started two threads about reconciliation today. One is asking about "happily reconciled" and the other about choosing divorce instead of reconciliation. There is, clearly, a 3rd category that we could call "unhappy & reconciled". That's were the BH stays in the marriage using reasons like staying for the kids or fear of starting over - things like that. That's what I did, and I hoped that time would heal the pain, shame, and anger I felt.

 

I was a coward then and by moving forward and having more children I only made the trap I created for myself deeper. Even now - I'm late 50's - WW and I have recently been awarded permanent custody of our 5 year-old grandson. How could I possible leave now? A year and a half ago, before our grandson came to live with us - I felt I was making good progress toward resolving my feelings on this one way or another. My wife participated by at least trying to be honest and trying to understand why all of these feelings finally overflowed after our last child left the nest. But the current situation completely disarms my spoken & unspoken threat of leaving and she is not as forthcoming anymore.

 

So, unhappily reconciled is the third category and probably the largest. The time to break & divorce is within the first couple months; probably within the first two weeks. You need to regain your character & self-esteem before you start becoming accustomed to living half a life and waiting for the passing of time to heal you.

 

PS: No kids but using "business interests" as an excuse is still just an excuse.

Edited November 17, 2014 by drifter777
No

[Bigdaddyt]

For me I went back and forth from Divorce to reconciliation in my thoughts. I chose divorce because she continued to talk with the AP after I told her NC. She did not show any remorse until I filed against her, that was when she came out of the fog . I decided that I deserved so much better than this and I felt that I would never trust her again. No one here can tell you what the right thing is for you to do, you need to make this choice on your own and I would recommend a separation to allow you time to make an educated decision on your options.

I would tell your Wife what you are thinking and why and tell her if she wants to save the marriage she needs to do the heavy lifting and put some real effort into it. Be strong and over communicate what you need if the marriage is to have a chance of continuing.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm a little over 5 years past D-Day, and there are times I still think very seriously about it. Because I'm wired the way I am, and have small children, I have endeavored to give this marriage a second chance.

 

but every man has his limits, and if most Western Ideology it to be believed, you only get one life, and I am still wondering how I want to spend mine.

[drifter777]

For me I went back and forth from Divorce to reconciliation in my thoughts. I chose divorce because she continued to talk with the AP after I told her NC. She did not show any remorse until I filed against her, that was when she came out of the fog . I decided that I deserved so much better than this and I felt that I would never trust her again. No one here can tell you what the right thing is for you to do, you need to make this choice on your own and I would recommend a separation to allow you time to make an educated decision on your options.

I would tell your Wife what you are thinking and why and tell her if she wants to save the marriage she needs to do the heavy lifting and put some real effort into it. Be strong and over communicate what you need if the marriage is to have a chance of continuing.

Did you have children?

[lolablue17]

Given all that she is done, part of me wants to make it work but I'm not sure I can get past it even though she is working very hard on her side.

 

No children but financial interests with multiple business's and assets that would be difficult to separate.

 

Financial interests with multiple business's and assets are not an issue.

Some people can get pass infidelity, some can't. I my self survived infidelity with one, and didn't with another. If you're willing to put some energy, you can go to a limited period therapy. the therapist will help you find the answer.

 

But i think you should limit the period. give it 1-2 month and if there's no major change, it's probably doomed.

[dichotomy]

Over 9 years, still not decided.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Did you have children?

 

Yes, all adults now.

[Man Mountain Makino]

For me, it's an economic and efficiency argument.

 

Is it worth the effort, time, and energy to reconcile? Will what you get out of that process be worth all the energy you put into it?

 

It seems to me, "no." Why go through all that when you can cut your losses, space yourself the effort and energy, and build a new relationship with a new woman.

 

I've never met a woman I'd go through all that for. Just one man's opinion.

[jm2013]

I'm 1 year out and question reconciliation a lot lately. I had asked a question before about an emotional time line. But from the sounds of it I don't think there is. Just look at this thread. Many of you who stayed are still hammered with questionable thoughts of why you're still with your wives and appear to have resigned yourself to divorce due to age. I don't think I want to do that. If I'm aching years out still I have to ask myself if it is all worth it. Maybe the damage from infidelity for some is too much to go on together. Lately I've been trying to think of what my future would be like without being married to her.

[Copelandsanity]

I'm 1 year out and question reconciliation a lot lately. I had asked a question before about an emotional time line. But from the sounds of it I don't think there is. Just look at this thread. Many of you who stayed are still hammered with questionable thoughts of why you're still with your wives and appear to have resigned yourself to divorce due to age. I don't think I want to do that. If I'm aching years out still I have to ask myself if it is all worth it. Maybe the damage from infidelity for some is too much to go on together. Lately I've been trying to think of what my future would be like without being married to her.

 

I forget the exact statistic, but I believe that it's approximately 30% of couples that are still together 5 years after reconciliation. It's one of the reasons I decided against it. Do you want to waste 5 years out of your life prioritizing an activity that has such a high failure rate? Not to mention that we don't even know if the 30% are even happy, just that they've survived so far.

 

Trust is the entire foundation of a relationship. Infidelity destroys it to bits. For most, there's no going back no matter how much you love or care for someone.

[Bigdaddyt]

Drifter777, Yes I had two very young children boy 5 and a girl 3 at the time.

[badkarma2013]

For me, it's an economic and efficiency argument.

 

Is it worth the effort, time, and energy to reconcile? Will what you get out of that process be worth all the energy you put into it?

 

It seems to me, "no." Why go through all that when you can cut your losses, space yourself the effort and energy, and build a new relationship with a new woman.

 

I've never met a woman I'd go through all that for. Just one man's opinion.

 

 

 

***********MY WIFE WANTING FORGIVENESS ...after D_DAY..I could give a S&^T about WHAT SHE WANTED....................

....she betrayed ,lied and deceived me ...to have a PA while married is the ULTIMATE BETRAYL ...It destroys families and the BSs SOUL...If anyone thinks i was going to spend the remainder of my life in endless Hell of constant TRIGGERS,DOUBT and the never wondering why... They Pegged me wrong..

 

When the tables were turned and i outed him to his BW and cost him everything in his divorce and had them both fired..Now the im sorrys start pls forgive me i was confused....I WASNT

 

I forgave her and filed for D within 60 days....I would not live with a LIAR and someone who thought so little of 22 years together

 

Do Not Confuse Forgiveness With Reconcilition...They Are Not The Same Thing!!!

 

Badkarma Indeed!

[Bigdaddyt]

Drifter777, yes I had two very young children at the time boy5 girl 3. It was the most difficult choice of my life.

[SawtoothMars]

I'm 1 year out and question reconciliation a lot lately. I had asked a question before about an emotional time line. But from the sounds of it I don't think there is. Just look at this thread. Many of you who stayed are still hammered with questionable thoughts of why you're still with your wives and appear to have resigned yourself to divorce due to age. I don't think I want to do that. If I'm aching years out still I have to ask myself if it is all worth it. Maybe the damage from infidelity for some is too much to go on together. Lately I've been trying to think of what my future would be like without being married to her.

 

OK... I'm going to dig into the archives here and pull up a thread by a guy I know. He pours his heart out in such an honest way that you should be able to strongly connect to how he is feeling!

 

Save yourself some time and just read the posts by Dazed.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/40398-wife-made-stupid-mistake

 

And here is the follow up, where he explains why he choise divorce after 3 years of attempting to reconcile.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/127083-update-fro-dazed-after-nearly-two-years

[road]

It takes the brain six months to process the affair after d day. This is why no important decisions should be made for six months. Nothing to do with being for divorce or for recovery. It is about being for making wise directions

[drifter777]

It takes the brain six months to process the affair after d day. This is why no important decisions should be made for six months. Nothing to do with being for divorce or for recovery. It is about being for making wise directions

Exactly six months? To the day? I got a feeling it's different for everyone and six months is probably pushed out there by the "reconcile at any cost" folks. I'm ok with a man or woman spitting in the WS's face and walking out or kicking them out right on d-day.

[Striver]

I forget the exact statistic, but I believe that it's approximately 30% of couples that are still together 5 years after reconciliation. It's one of the reasons I decided against it. Do you want to waste 5 years out of your life prioritizing an activity that has such a high failure rate? Not to mention that we don't even know if the 30% are even happy, just that they've survived so far.

 

Trust is the entire foundation of a relationship. Infidelity destroys it to bits. For most, there's no going back no matter how much you love or care for someone.

 

It's true there is no going back. But look at the success rate for second marriages. Also not so good. Those statistics don't include those who never remarry.

 

Second marriages are problematic for many reasons. Children from prior marriages for one or both partners. No common children if the partners are older. Partners have their guard up more. Less initial optimism about the marriage in general. If the first marriage was a mistake from the start, then maybe the second marriage can be stronger, but if the first marriage was seemingly happy until a sudden betrayal, why can't that happen again?

 

Maybe the betrayed partner is "better off alone", but if they really preferred alone to happy marriage they would divorce before infidelity, or never marry in the first place. So alone is only the lesser of the evils.

 

When infidelity occurs in a marriage with children and that had any happiness, the only choices available are the lesser of evils.