xtymorgan Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Has anyone who has reconciled decided to renew your wedding vows? I'm not talking about remarrying if you actually divorced. We never finalized ours. I'm talking about just a simple ceremony to re-pledge our love for one another in front of God and family. H is willing to do this (at least he said so when he first came home) and I think it's a good idea. But I don't think I want to make a big ceremony out of it. BUT he still hasn't made our reconciliation Facebook official and I'll be honest, it bothers me a bit. When he was with her, he posted a picture of them together and said "me and my lady"! But he still hasn't posted anything about me. When they were together, he changed his FB status to "in a relationship with ________" which was probably the hardest thing I went through the whole summer. Now that he's back home, I want him to do those things for me. We've been together 12 years (minus this summer "romance" he had with OW). I know it's still early but I'm getting anxious for him to announce to the world that he's back home and that he loves only me. Here's my question(s): Can anyone speak as to why he's not "announcing" being home or his feelings for me? He's been home 2 months. (And I should tell you he's been WONDERFUL to me since coming home.) Is it just too early? Is he embarrassed? Should I read anything into this? I worry that he (although he only knew her 6 months) loved her more than me in that short time. Or at least in a more deep, passionate way than he loves me. Also, he told me a while back that he would be willing to renew our vows but I don't know when he wants to do this. I don't want to push him since, like I said, he's only been home 2 months. Anyone else had that same worry? That he/she loved the OW/OM more than he/she loves you? He swears that he only "thought" he was in love with her and that he realized it's only been me he loved for the past 12 years. But again, he seemed so infatuated with her while he was with her. So much so that he posted "me and my lady" on FB!! Am I just wanting too much too quickly? Should I just let time take its course? I just want him to profess his love for me and be willing to tell the world that he is sorry and he loves only me and that he's committed to our marriage for the rest of our lives. Which brings me back to the renewing of vows. Good idea? Bad idea? Who's done this? Was it helpful? And finally, how did you go about accomplishing this. Sorry for the long post and the many questions but as you all can understand, I have a lot on my mind right now. Thanks, Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 My H and I have not renewed vows (I'm the fWS) but I can certainly understand why some would liek to do this. However what I would say, based on your other thread and your opening post here, is that maybe you (both of you) are not ready for this yet. You are still in the very, very early stages of reconciliation and the last thing you need is more pressure. Take things slow and steady, don't rush yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 I have never understood this. If one of the spouse broke their wedding vows the first time then what makes you think doing it a second time would make a difference or have any more meaning to them than the first time? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 If renewing your vows makes you feel better, by all means,go for it. However, it really doesn't hold any value in the real world. By all accounts, your partner doesn't actually take that kind of the seriously. For me personally, renewing my vows with a cheater would be a huge trigger because you already know that they aren't a faithful person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Retaking your vows is no substitute for the long road of very demanding, painful, uncertainty process of reconciliation. Don't even imagine it as symbolic. There is real work involved, not a couple of chants. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 I can understand your irritation about him re-committing so slowly, and not being out in the open with it on FB etc., while he was so head over heels and quickly involved and in love with the ow. That would make me sad, too. I think he should be overjoyed and thankful you took him back. How did it happen? Did she break up with him, or he with her? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 BUT he still hasn't made our reconciliation Facebook official and I'll be honest, it bothers me a bit. When he was with her, he posted a picture of them together and said "me and my lady"! But he still hasn't posted anything about me. When they were together, he changed his FB status to "in a relationship with ________" which was probably the hardest thing I went through the whole summer. Personally, I would rather he made the step of changing his FB status, first before you go haring off organising another vow ceremony. It may turn out to be very embarrassing for you, if he has taken this relationship underground, or he is only back because he has nowhere else to go, or he is about to cheat on you again. You need to be very sure that he means to stay, and be faithful before you go ahead and perhaps make a very public fool of yourself. How was this relationship uncovered? Link to post Share on other sites
intheblinkofaneye Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Here is a link to a story where a couple did this. Hope this helps. https://4littlefergusons.wordpress.com/surviving-infidelity/ Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Sorry but I'd never even dream about doing this. People of the past centuries just don't pledge fealty to God anymore (unless they're soldiers sent away to hot spot areas maybe), their previous cheating proves this; besides, having my vows spat on a second time would disgust me to no end. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 First; the one who cheats obviously doesn't take that kind of pledge, ceremony, promise very serious, so why waste energy on it a second time. Second; why would you renew your wows, did you break them? I would much rather he recommited through actions than words and paper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 First; the one who cheats obviously doesn't take that kind of pledge, ceremony, promise very serious, so why waste energy on it a second time. Second; why would you renew your wows, did you break them? I would much rather he recommited through actions than words and paper. She's trying to do anything she can to get her hold life and security back. Eventually she'll realize that not only will she never get back, it never really existed in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 I've been thinking about doing the same thing. I think it's important, when the time is right, to recommit in a symbolic way. Congratulations to you and your spouse for recovering. Be open and honest about your needs with him. If you want a public announcement, ask for it. Communicate how you feel. All the best to you both. Keep moving forward together. Link to post Share on other sites
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