Jump to content

Do Wayward Wives always do new sexual things?


VeryBrokenMan

Recommended Posts

VeryBrokenMan

My wife admitted to doing some things with her lover that she has never been able to do with me. They had phone sex multiple times, they exchanged naked pictures and tried a lot of different positions when they were together, etc. Her oral skills went from OK, to amazing since her affair. And her sex drive is off the charts high.

 

Is all that typical of a women having an affair?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is all that typical of a women having an affair?

Not just women.

 

Men too experience this because in a marriage, one gets comfortable with what is done and oftentimes cannot or will not try new things.

 

And, yes, the sex drive goes through the roof because it is *new* and *forbidden.*

 

My 62-year old sister is experiencing this type of phenom right now and her husband can barely keep up.

 

People - not just women - ebb and flow with their libidos and sexuality.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Decisiontomake

I was a virgin when I met my husband and although our sex life wasn't bad undid way more with my AP. There were no pre conceived/habitual ideas and I made the most of that. It fees somehow silly to suddenly be someone different sexually with someone you've been with long term. That sounds ridiculous I know. Just telling you how I felt.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My working theory is that waywards don't take such a huge risk with the marriage, nuclear family, reputation, and potentially their career for the sake of more vanilla. If they're going to risk it all, it's going to be extraordinary. As well, the nature of the relationship is pretty well known to be temporary from the outset. This ain't someone you're bringing home to meet Mom. And by virtue of being secret, they're "safe" to go wild without the judgment of anyone close to them.

 

ETA: this is in stark contrast to the spouse at home with whom they have to negotiate everything in life with. It's safer to be vulmerable with an AP than it is with a spouse.

Edited by BetrayedH
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

Women who risk everything for an affair are usually emotionally involved and checked out of their marriage before the sex actually occurs. Unlike a man, where sex is the most important need, emotional needs normally play a more significant role in a woman's decision to cheat. Aside from the excitement and not having to worry about what AP thinks, wild sexual acts she would not consider with her husband are sometimes the price she pays for having this new man meet her emotional needs.! Not saying the WW does not enjoy it. Just believe this is one of the reasons they do it

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I was a virgin when I met my husband and although our sex life wasn't bad undid way more with my AP. There were no pre conceived/habitual ideas and I made the most of that. It fees somehow silly to suddenly be someone different sexually with someone you've been with long term. That sounds ridiculous I know. Just telling you how I felt.

 

 

 

Does your BH know this?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Most of the time people cheat because their spouse isnt satisfying them, either emotionally or physically.

 

Nah, I don't buy that. People cheat because they choose to cheat rather than keep their commitment. It's a personal problem, not a marital problem.

  • Like 16
Link to post
Share on other sites

I had an A for 20 months, mostly emotional. The few times it was sexual it was uncomfortable and I was stiff. However I did feel free to express many more non sexual things with the OM.

 

Oddly enough I did get freakier with my husband during. I think it was guilt driven.

 

Honestly, I would think this would be common since I'm guessing that most married women go into affairs no really caring about what the OM thinks of her, or very little. There is no responsibility in affairs, no kids, no bills its all selfish, all about ones self.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this is a pretty good question. After I discovered my wife's affair she started doing things that used to bother her but now do not. She still denies giving her AP oral sex. I think she still lies about some things that happened during her affair. I think she thinks if she told me all of the nitty gritty details I'd pack up the bags and leave for good.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Decisiontomake
Has your BH ever suspected?

 

 

Why have you not told him?

 

yes he has suspected. And I haven't told him for many reasons; don't want to hurt him, we are currently separated and he need never know, if we reconcile I'd have to man-up and tell him, which probably is one reason that I'm hesitant to separate. Also, I have been on the other side as a BS and would rather not have know. My affair is over.

Link to post
Share on other sites
yes he has suspected. And I haven't told him for many reasons; don't want to hurt him, we are currently separated and he need never know, if we reconcile I'd have to man-up and tell him, which probably is one reason that I'm hesitant to separate. Also, I have been on the other side as a BS and would rather not have know. My affair is over.

 

I think this logic is incredibly self serving. Why don't you let him make the decision if he wants to be with you or not after you confess? As a BS I would have given my wife MUCH more respect for coming to me about her affair than having me discover it and get blatantly lied to. Then lied to again and again and even in MC. She stacked so much betrayal, broke NC and kept up the lies for awhile. She is probably still lying about things. What are you going to do when the cat comes out of the bag years down the road if you reconcile your marriage? Do you really want to deal with that then? He'll feel double betrayed. Your marriage most likely suffered hard during your affair because you diverted your emotional and physical attention to another man while placing your husband on the back burner.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

One of things I find repulsive..as an idea or train of thought...is why it's 'riskier' with a spouse in this example a 'husband' to do certain sexual things than with the OM. If anything, the marriage should be where all the wild hot kinky stuff happens.

 

 

When the women does other things with her AP she wont do with her husband, this shows a major intimacy problem in the marriage. I know it may feel silly to suddenly do something new sexually with a spouse, but what people don't realize is that they actually NEED to be keeping it new and exciting with a spouse in order to serve and satisfy that psychological side of themselves and thus the marriage.

 

 

Interestingly, most people aren't acutely aware of that deeper unconscious dilemma and it shouldn't take an affair and acting out in new and wild ways in the affair to bring that issue to the surface.

 

 

I wonder why it feels silly for people to do something new with their spouse when it should be the opposite. I know the answer that is usually given but I suspect that it shows how we disregard the importance of sex in marriage after a while.

 

 

It's the whole differentiation issue from the book Passionate Marriage (for those that have read it).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Decisiontomake
I think this logic is incredibly self serving. Why don't you let him make the decision if he wants to be with you or not after you confess? As a BS I would have given my wife MUCH more respect for coming to me about her affair than having me discover it and get blatantly lied to. Then lied to again and again and even in MC. She stacked so much betrayal, broke NC and kept up the lies for awhile. She is probably still lying about things. What are you going to do when the cat comes out of the bag years down the road if you reconcile your marriage? Do you really want to deal with that then? He'll feel double betrayed. Your marriage most likely suffered hard during your affair because you diverted your emotional and physical attention to another man while placing your husband on the back burner.

 

 

I have been a BS as well so please understand I have both sides of the coin under my belt - every situation and person is different. If I were to reconcile, I would start that hard road by being honest as I understand a foundation has to be strong for something to work. And yes there are self serving elements in not telling, of course, but there are also elements of protecting my husband for something he may never need to know if we continue down a path to divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It feels somehow silly to suddenly be someone different sexually with someone you've been with long term. That sounds ridiculous I know. Just telling you how I felt.

This isn't ridiculous at all. In fact, it's incredibly on point. With someone new you have a clean slate and can be and act however you want with that person sexually.

Link to post
Share on other sites
the_artist_1970
This isn't ridiculous at all. In fact, it's incredibly on point. With someone new you have a clean slate and can be and act however you want with that person sexually.

 

Really??? I think someone who thinks like this has some serious commitment issues. I can do ANYTHING sexually with my DH and I want to please him. I cannot even imagine another man touching me the way my DH does. This is just really weird.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously jm2013 you found out, but if your wife had had a short affair with someone who you would never find out about, what would be the purpose of her telling you about it?

Telling you, to ease her conscience perhaps, but so you could lie in agony every night for months if not years?

Blissful ignorance, may have meant your marriage continued strong and happy.

So while total honesty may seem correct, I feel sometimes it does more harm than good.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
It's like - "Hi honey, sorry I cheated on you for a year and a handful of months. I wanted to test the waters outside of our marriage. I did, it was fun, but then you found out. I had to make a painful choice of this other man or you and line item each of your strengths and weaknesses but ultimately decided to be with you. So here I am honey, I am sorry! Please forgive me. I promise, PROMISE it will never happen again."

 

This is a great way to express it plus some people simply enjoy shopping. It’s like the TV show “House Hunters.” One house is in the perfect neighborhood while the other house has an attached garage. Which house do I want?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Obviously jm2013 you found out, but if your wife had had a short affair with someone who you would never find out about, what would be the purpose of her telling you about it?

Telling you, to ease her conscience perhaps, but so you could lie in agony every night for months if not years?

Blissful ignorance, may have meant your marriage continued strong and happy.

So while total honesty may seem correct, I feel sometimes it does more harm than good.

 

You know what's funny is that my wife had that same mindset. That to me is a load of crap. I would choose the harsh reality of my life any day over blissful ignorance. I wanna know the type of person I share my bed with is. I still found out that my wife cheated and I feel that the last two years were a complete lie because she wanted me to live in blissful ignorance. Is it too much to ask for a honest relationship these days.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
You know what's funny is that my wife had that same mindset. That to me is a load of crap. I would choose the harsh reality of my life any day over blissful ignorance. I wanna know the type of person I share my bed with is. I still found out that my wife cheated and I feel that the last two years were a complete lie because she wanted me to live in blissful ignorance. Is it too much to ask for a honest relationship these days.

 

Two reasons why the WS keeping the secret of a discontinued affair to herself/himself doesn't work. One, as in your case, the BS finds out anyway and then the no disclosure makes the situation even worse. Second, the WS has to be capable of completely shouldering the weight of those lies and betrayal without it adversely affecting the relationship with the BS. I'm skeptical this is possible for most WS's. A BS will usually know that something is wrong--they just won't know why and it will eat at them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Obviously jm2013 you found out, but if your wife had had a short affair with someone who you would never find out about, what would be the purpose of her telling you about it?

Telling you, to ease her conscience perhaps, but so you could lie in agony every night for months if not years?

Blissful ignorance, may have meant your marriage continued strong and happy.

So while total honesty may seem correct, I feel sometimes it does more harm than good.

 

 

You're right. With your logic I could reconcile with my wife while also self indulge with new experiences from other women around me whether it be emotionally or physically.. Doing this behind her back to fulfill my own needs and not telling her should be the best option to save her the emotional trauma while operating our marriage as if we're exclusive to each other. I get it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

jm2013

You are being a bit facetious there, but I do understand your point of view. A few years ago I would have felt the same, but now, not so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jm2013

You are being a bit facetious there, but I do understand your point of view. A few years ago I would have felt the same, but now, not so much.

 

Also, I just want to ask. What is the point of operating in a one sided open marriage? IF any WS feels the need to venture out of the nest why don't they extend and offer the same opportunity to the BS? Then both can date, emotionally attach and bang anybody they want until they find the perfect person they can finally leave the marriage for.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes some (I wont argue how many) cheating women will engage (or experiment) in acts with strangers or casual partners (affairs) that they wont in their role as wife and mom. They can step out of these roles and act in ways - do things - that might be difficult with their husband and still wake up the next day and argue about were to go for thanksgiving dinner. In other words they can't be a whore in the bedroom and be nice PTA mom the next morning with their husband - they worry that they will be seen as a whore from then on and treated as such by their husband and father of their kids.

 

They wish to retain the respect and image with their husband - where they don't give a ...with some guy they don't live with. Further, driven by the forbidden, and the need to obtain the attention of another man, they will be open or give more.

 

Now I might debate CarrieT about this happening with men. I am not sure what "acts" a WH is going to allow or do, with a OW that he would not with his wife. Perhaps more passion, more attention, or time to OW, but purely sexual acts given out to OW - that he withheld from his wife? Never heard of this.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...