My fiancee cheated on me

[star gaze]

Hello everyone.

I need some advices. I am 29 years old male. My fiancée cheated on me and I’m pretty unsure how to go about it. We were (are? English is not my first language so please bear with me) each other’s firsts, though she had a couple of boyfriend before me. She’s the only one I’ve been with. We have been in relationship for about 4 years now and we had planned to get married after I finish my PhD which will take about 2 years, I hope. I came abroad for training last month and I will not be home for another month. She confessed to me via phone that she had slept with another guy twice within the last week and had kinda emotional relationship with him for about a month, that is as soon as I left the country. I am already stressed about my research and now this news has a very debilitating effect on me. I’m a pretty proactive in my relationship and did everything in my power to maintain it and thrive it. I used to visit other forums like ‘self-improvement’ and ‘general relationship’ in this site, but I never imagined I will be posting in this forum.

She is 27. She is a medical student. She had the affair with an optometry student, who she said I’m not acquainted to. She refused to tell me about him and told me that we will discuss in detail what and how it happened once I return. She said she will call me every day. She said that she had broken all the contacts with this guy and that she will do anything to regain my trust which is very very shaky right now. Please, advise me how to go about it; what should and shouldn’t I do?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stargaze You are lucky that your fiancee showed you exactly what kind of a person she is before you two got hitched for life. She is a bad egg and you would do well to steer clear of her from now onward. Write her a straight forward note stating that cheating is a deal breaker for you and while thanking her for her honesty, let her know that frankly, if she could not stay chaste while you were away for a short while you dread to think what would happen if you were to be assigned to some project for a long duration away from her. Wish her well in her future life and tell her it is best that you two go your separate ways. If she has any sense she will realize the enormity of her betrayal and will try and rectify her shortcomings before she gets into another long term relationship. Cheers!

[gettingstronger]

I feel like you have a bright future and a lot on your plate right now, so any stressful relationship is not in your best interest. I would call it quits now and if you feel the need to stay in touch, do that- when you finish your studies if the two of you are willing maybe rekindle now- I feel like you need to be a little selfish and put you and your studies first-

[star gaze]

Thank you everyone. My mind is doing somersaults right now. I am all alone here, with no friends whom I could talk to. This thing is killing me. I was more inclined to give her a second chance, given our long history and I did love her so much until last night; also, seeing that she confessed and sounded very remorseful. Right now, and for all day today, I feel like I am jumping the line of hate and love back and forth. Our families are entangled, meaning her parents know my parents and we have a lot of common friends.

 

I called my sister tonight, and found that her friend saw my fiancée with some guy in a café. She is pretty sure that my fiancée saw her too. The café is very far from the area we live in and also far away from our colleges; there’s a park nearby which is popular among her friends for dating and solitary making out. I think it’s the same café where I took her few times. Now, I’m thinking that my fiancee’s honesty and forthcoming is not because she was remorseful, but may be because I would come to know about her dalliances from the grapevine. I am seriously thinking of breaking up, and as “gettingstonger” said focus on my studies; it’s stressful already as it is. This will seriously affect my social life; but my personal life is more important. Thank you everybody who chimed in. Now, I’m waiting for her dreaded nightly call.

[jm2013]

Thank you everyone. My mind is doing somersaults right now. I am all alone here, with no friends whom I could talk to. This thing is killing me. I was more inclined to give her a second chance, given our long history and I did love her so much until last night; also, seeing that she confessed and sounded very remorseful. Right now, and for all day today, I feel like I am jumping the line of hate and love back and forth. Our families are entangled, meaning her parents know my parents and we have a lot of common friends.

 

I called my sister tonight, and found that her friend saw my fiancée with some guy in a café. She is pretty sure that my fiancée saw her too. The café is very far from the area we live in and also far away from our colleges; there’s a park nearby which is popular among her friends for dating and solitary making out. I think it’s the same café where I took her few times. Now, I’m thinking that my fiancee’s honesty and forthcoming is not because she was remorseful, but may be because I would come to know about her dalliances from the grapevine. I am seriously thinking of breaking up, and as “gettingstonger” said focus on my studies; it’s stressful already as it is. This will seriously affect my social life; but my personal life is more important. Thank you everybody who chimed in. Now, I’m waiting for her dreaded nightly call.

 

Listen. You have two paths you can take right now. You sound like you're going to make a lot of money here soon when you graduate. Do you want your self centered fiancee to marry you, break your heart again and have you pay for it emotionally and monetarily?

 

Do yourself a favor and run far away. If this is how she feels about you being her fiancee I could only imagine how any marriage would go.

 

"Our families are entangled, meaning her parents know my parents and we have a lot of common friends."

 

You are lucky! Now think about if you were TRULY entangled with this woman. I mean having kids, a house and being financially tied together. That doesn't sound too pleasing right? By a stroke of luck you caught it before this point. Yes, you are in pain right now. But that pain will dissolve quickly and you will be able to move on with your life and your studies and find the woman of your dreams when you're ready to settle down. Good luck to you.

[gettingstronger]

Stargaze-think about all the hard work and dedication you have put in to get where you are right now-that shows your mental toughness and your ability to focus on yourself and your future-I know it would be hard and lonely and the drama from family is sure to be a distraction, but at least it is a means to an end- good luck and I am sorry you are hurting-

[GirlStillStrong]

When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

 

People will SAY all sorts of things, especially about how they feel. It's easy to get caught up in what they say after they have been "found out." I have found it best not to get bogged down by what people tell me but instead, focus my attention on what I observe they DO. It is clear this woman has lied to you in the past; you should expect more of the same now and in the future.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this hurt. There must be a community of people from your country accessible to you where you are. Why don't you seek them out for support and socialization? It will help you get your mind off of this person who has lied to you.

 

Either way, please make sure you are taking good care of yourself!

[martaldn]

you dont have to give her another chance. she has to earn another chance.

break up with her and make her fight for you and your relationship.

if she really care about you 2 she will fight hard.

set yourself free and focus on your studies and your life now.

[troubadour]

Star Gaze, don't be a fool.... you two aren't even married yet and she has been already cheating on you. You are delusional if you think there is any real chance she can be a faithful wife. Do you want to be a cuckold husband?

 

End it today. Just send her a short text message: You are single. Have a nice life.

[troubadour]

When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

 

 

Just like GirlStillStrong said above.... belive them when they show you who they are.

[Chi townD]

Thank you everyone. My mind is doing somersaults right now. I am all alone here, with no friends whom I could talk to. This thing is killing me. I was more inclined to give her a second chance, given our long history and I did love her so much until last night; also, seeing that she confessed and sounded very remorseful. Right now, and for all day today, I feel like I am jumping the line of hate and love back and forth. Our families are entangled, meaning her parents know my parents and we have a lot of common friends.

 

I called my sister tonight, and found that her friend saw my fiancée with some guy in a café. She is pretty sure that my fiancée saw her too. The café is very far from the area we live in and also far away from our colleges; there’s a park nearby which is popular among her friends for dating and solitary making out. I think it’s the same café where I took her few times. Now, I’m thinking that my fiancee’s honesty and forthcoming is not because she was remorseful, but may be because I would come to know about her dalliances from the grapevine. I am seriously thinking of breaking up, and as “gettingstonger” said focus on my studies; it’s stressful already as it is. This will seriously affect my social life; but my personal life is more important. Thank you everybody who chimed in. Now, I’m waiting for her dreaded nightly call.

 

 

 

Yeah, sounds like she had to tell you before word got to you. Therefore, I feel that if she's remorseful, it's only because she's sorry that she got caught. Not because she was actually cheating on you.

 

 

Another telling sign for me is that she won't tell you who the guy is. She's protecting her affair partner. Hence, she would rather protect her affair than tell you the truth. And if she can't be completely honest and transparent with you, then she's not as serious about saving what you two had.

 

 

Time to move on, dude.

[FusionCutter]

People deserve fundamentally a partner that won't cheat. You can do better than this.

[CarrieT]

Our families are entangled, meaning her parents know my parents and we have a lot of common friends.

 

Call off the wedding immediately and "out" her behavior to both families.

[aliveagain]

Friend, she knew she was caught and thought she would have a better chance of sweeping this under the rug if you heard it from her first. Protecting the other mans identity means she is more concerned about him than she is about you, she is choosing him over you. She started cheating from the moment you left, obviously there was something happening before you left. She says she has been intimate with him twice in the last week. When you spend time reading other peoples experience on this site you know that the number of times is probably much higher

 

The reason she isn't telling you who O/M is because she's not sure who she wants to be with, she's still test driving him. She just created a huge imbalance in your relationship, one you can never fix because she is still your only sexual partner but you are no longer her only sexual partner. This happened while in a committed relationship with you thus breaking her engagement contract with you. If they cheat on you before you marry guess what they will do to you after you marry them? Imagine how she will act when the pressures of children, finances and the newness of the relationship take their toll on her.

 

You deserve to be with someone you can trust and can guarantee you the paternity of your children. If your foolish enough to take her back, have a lawyer prepare a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of everything if you divorce because of a new infidelity. She is not remorseful, she still protects O/M. Run.

[whichwayisup]

Call off the engagement immediately. She chose, not once but twice to have sex with someone else and she also let herself get emotionally close to him for a month. That's not an accident, it didn't "just" happen.

 

She isn't that remorseful and she certainly can't be trusted. She won't totally be open with you about details, picking and choosing what she's telling you.

 

Sorry you're hurting and going through this.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I won't tell you what to do. I will only tell you that this will NEVER go away. It will NEVER not have happened. You will NEVER go more than a few days without thinking about it, and you will NEVER go out of town again without being at least a little bit worried.

 

If you think you can deal with that...by all means marry her.

 

Otherwise, there are a lot of other women out there who will not do this to you.

 

( actually... thinking about it more...there probably aren't. )

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for this news. There's nothing easy about learning that your significant other has had an affair. It becomes even more complicated considering that you are engaged to get married. How you move forward is based on what you want to do. Trust is not an easy thing to rebuild after it has been destroyed. It can be done, but it's always easier with the help of a professional (counselor). Many things need to be discussed when you see your girlfriend face-to-face. I hope it works out. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Friskyone4u]

So she did it once and then went back for seconds. Sounds to me like she liked it. Then she refuses to tell you anything and only because someone saw her does she confess anything. And you want to marry this girl??? You have not even said your vows and she is banging other guys while you are not around and from what you said the minute you left the emotional affair began.

When so many people tell you the same thing, most of them are right.

Find yourself a partner worthy of you. She showed you what she is

[elaine567]

DO not blame yourself, do not go down the "if only I had not gone abroad" route. You have done nothing wrong.

Distance is actually good here, it gives you time to think, away from the pressure of her and your "entangled" families.

 

There was you, carving out a nice future for the two of you and there was she, unable to be faithful even for the first month you are away.

 

As others have said, if she cannot be faithful during your engagement, how is she going to be faithful as a wife?

There is no need to sit down and answer her nightly calls, end it ASAP, and get on with your life, is my advice.

[Trimmer]

I called my sister tonight, and found that her friend saw my fiancée with some guy in a café. She is pretty sure that my fiancée saw her too.... Now, I’m thinking that my fiancee’s honesty and forthcoming is not because she was remorseful, but may be because I would come to know about her dalliances from the grapevine.

That is exactly what I thought as soon as I read that your fiancée probably knew that she had been seen.

 

Yeah, sounds like she had to tell you before word got to you. Therefore, I feel that if she's remorseful, it's only because she's sorry that she got caught.

I agree. And here's the other point that supports that: if she were truly remorseful, wouldn't she have been remorseful after doing it just one time? Wouldn't that be enough for any normal person to become extremely remorseful and stop? And yet, then she did it a second time. That doesn't sound like a basically good person who made a mistake and is truly remorseful - which I'm sure is how she is trying to present herself - it sounds like someone who is scared of the consequences now that she got caught.

[Trotters]

What about it being a "mistake"?. She may never do it again & learnt her lesson?

[DKT3]

If she was truly in a place where she was remorseful there would be no information off limits. Right now she isn't "really" there, she is looking to protect herself, and maybe keep her affair going by not giving you his name and details. Think about this, your a bright guy, if you didn't know him why wouldn't she tell? Reason being, when you returned you would be able to find out if she had really cut it off, which is doubtful she has.

 

You are actually in a good spot (if that is ever possible in these situations), the distant between you two give you total control over your interactions with her. Its a good option to tell her you would like no contact until you return so you can focus on YOU and your studies. This time will be good for you to decide if this is something you can continue or not.

 

But remember, right now she isn't on your team, she is showing loyality towards the other guy and protecting herself above you. A truly remorseful cheater would be totally focused on helping you get through this, not with holding information.

[d0nnivain]

If you honestly think this is a one time "mistake" there may be some merit to trying to let her repair the damage & working together to get past it. While you are doing that all wedding planning should be on hold.

 

However, in this case, the whole process is more likely an exercise in futility because you will still be away at school, she will still be in closer proximity to him then you & you won't be able to monitor what's going on. This will make you paranoid & detract from your studies.

 

It just sounds like lose lose.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, unfortunately most of the people responding to you here on LS speak from experience. Also unfortunately, your girlfriend has given you no choice in what action to take.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Read the NC Guide. Use friends, family and LS to bear some of the weight of this. It isn't your fault. I know it's hard to believe, but this sort of thing can make you stronger.

[Trimmer]

If you honestly think this is a one time "mistake" there may be some merit to trying to let her repair the damage & working together to get past it.

Although one should remember that it was apparently at least a two time "mistake" (remember that she is assuredly not revealing all the details...), so it seems that that she made the "mistake" once, then had time to think about it before going back and making the same "mistake" again at least one more time.

 

It starts to sound less like a "mistake" when you think of it in that context...

 

As for this:

What about it being a "mistake"?. She may never do it again & learnt her lesson?

See my comments above about it being a "mistake", and also note that there is some convincing possibility that she only admitted it because she was aware that she had been seen out with the other man.

 

And as far as "learning one's lesson", aren't there some things that should be pretty much obvious to a mature adult? Things one shouldn't have to learn by practicing the "mistake" at least two times?

 

Do you really have to f**k someone else two or more times to learn that you aren't supposed to do that while in a committed relationship? Like she's going to say "Oh, now I realize..." and be a fundamentally altered, better person after?

 

My opinion is that this is not so much a mistake that one learns from and then is good and trustworthy for the rest of one's life, but rather that it is revealing of a character flaw that is not so quickly mended, and may well have implications for the continuing relationship (if it does continue.)