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My husband's female friend (Updated)


confusedwifey81

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confusedwifey81

Hello all…I am new here and could really use some adviceA little back story, my husband and I have been married for 3 years, we dated for almost one year before. I have had some issues with my hubby but I still love him. While we were dating, my H cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. I decided to forgive him and continue seeing him. We got engaged kinda of quick but I was in love. Right before our wedding, my H confessed to cheating on me just about 2 weeks from our wedding date! I was so hurt but I decided he made a mistake and I still wanted to be married and didn’t want to call off the wedding so I got married anyway. When H and I got together he told me he did not want anymore kids, which I went along with thinking I could change his mind after we were married. But he was adamant in NOT wanting anymore kids! My husband has a good job but I just have a job as a cashier for very minimal wage (I have no education or skills). He said that people treat kids like puppies or something just to have (he has a pre-teen daughter from a previous relationship). He said he makes enough money to take care of me, my daughter (from a previous relationship) , and his daughter, so enough to support us as is. I was never fully over the cheating and depressed that he refused to have more kids with me. I told him I wanted to stop my birth control and he told me he would get a vasectomy! I also believe he has cheated on me a couple more times since being married but can't prove it. Anyway this issues lead us to where we are now

 

I decided to separate from my H (I told him I loved him but was not IN love with him) and moved myself and daughter in with a family member. My daughter is very upset about all the changes with having to move, a new school and misses her step dad very much. After I leave, I snoop on my husband’s phone and see he has been commenting and liking a specific girl’s facebook page. I have never heard of this girl before. I decided to make a fake facebook page and snoop on her. I was upset to find out that this girl is beautiful! I mean she is model pretty and very young looking. My H and I are in our 30’s and this girl looks early 20’s, so quite bit younger than me. She never accepted my friend request so I made another fake page but she declined that request as well. During this whole time, my H is talking to me less and less…like he’s distracted or something and not focusing on me or this marriage even though I left! I called H to tell him that me and my daughter are very sad about situation…I ask him how he is feeling and says that he feels ok! That made me mad! How are you ok while I’m depressed over leaving!

 

So I ask him if has been seeing or dating anyone and he actually tells me that he has been spending time with his friend and tells me her name! Lo and behold it’s the girl from facebook that I already felt funny about! He just confirms it just like that! He tells me they are NOT dating and are just friends…he can talk to her about the situation with me and blah blah. What really made me mad is he did not even attempt to hide her! He seemed happy when speaking on their friendship, he didn’t try to hide her or anything. I don’t believe he didn’t TRY to date her (she might have turned him down) because this girl is pretty, young and already has her BSN all in her 20’s. I feel like I could never compete with her on any level.

 

So fast forward, I decide I want my H back and don’t want to risk this “friendship” with the other girl to grow anymore. I know he has been sad since my daughter and his daughter wanted to be back together as a family that he decided to give it another try, though I can tell he isn’t the happiest about it...I tell him that I need to know everything that went on between him and this “friend”. He tells me nothing and that he already told me about her (which he ALWAYS mentions her by name, not “she” or “her”), he seemed very frustrated by me asking about her. I tell him I want to sit down and have a talk with her and quickly said “ NO. This is between us, leave her out of it”.This kinda made me mad, like he was defending her from me. I tell him cut all contact with her, she makes me uncomfortable. He says he will.

 

BUT I am still not convinced they were just “friends” so I send her some messages on facebook, telling her who I am and everything I want to know. She didn’t respond so a couple days later I messaged her again and sent her some more friend requests. I also sent a fake email that looked like t was from H to get her talking but no response. BUT what she did do was tell my H everything I was doing to her! He told me to stop and leave her alone. I am mad, I feel like he should make her talk to me, to prove to me he was faithful. So the next weekend I send another friend request, I have already told her who am I and I thought she would be woman enough to talk to me about my H. Nope, she tells on me to him again! My H confronted me again and could tell he was getting tired of me reaching out to her. He tells me to STOP and I ask him why won’t she speak to me? If it was nothing but friends why won’t she talk to me? He told me that she does not want to be a part of our bullsh** and he doesn’t blame her. He told me to leave her alone.

 

So I snooped in his phone again. He has NOT ended contact with her! He was honest and told her he was working on his marriage but that he still liked her a lot and was very attracted to her, she was his biggest temptation. He told her that he couldn’t spend time with her one on one anymore because she was swaying his decision to stay married. He said it wasn’t anything she was doing to sway his marriage (I guess she encouraged him to work it out with me), it was just her period, that he wanted her. He told her he was trying to keep her away from the drama that is ME. He told her he would never make her his OW and that’s why he needed to step back and try again on our marriage, so he can say that he tried, especially for the kids. He told her he had no idea if it would even work with me again. He told her she can still call him whenever she wants, if she ever needs anything to call him and basically that he still wanted to be friends even though I asked him NOT to!

 

Then I saw the times she told him that I contacted her and he apologized over and over and over to her about me contacting her. That he was just trying to be honest and he should have kept his mouth shut and her name out of it. He told her he was trying to keep her away from the drama. He also told her that he over everything and it about to say F*** it. He told her he may try MC with me, but he didn’t sound happy and basically told her that he still has no idea what he is going to do even though he told me and her that he would agree to trying again. I am so lost and confused! What is going on here??? Is she really just a friend?? Why is he so defensive about her and kinda protecting her from me???? Why won’t she talk to me?? What should I do??? I have not moved back home yet

Edited by confusedwifey81
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Husbands need to be communicating with their wives NOT other women. That's a bomb just waiting to explode.

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Do not move back home. Your H is not 'fixing' the marriage. Your H is a liar, a proven cheater from before and he has not owned up to anything nor shown any remorse. he isn't worthy of a second chance. Your daughter deserves a better man to be her step dad. This guy is selfish, mean and has no respect for you.

 

Sorry you're hurting but please, stand up and file for divorce. Your H has made some real bad choices in the past and he continually still makes bad choices which hurt you.

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Your first impulse -- to move out and move on from this marriage -- was the correct one. I think you just got caught up in the urge to "compete" for your husband after you saw he had been talking to another woman.

 

He cheated while you were dating, and gave you chlamydia. He cheated on you before you got married. And now he is once again talking to another woman.

 

Three strikes...and he should be out.

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confusedwifey81

I also want to mention that I THINK he has cheated a couple times since being married but I don't have any proof. Also this girl tried ending the friendship with him but he won't let the friendship go. She told him she would leave him alone and not contact him anymore after I contacted her. He kinda freaked and blew her phone up and texting her to call him so they can talk.... They haven't been talking much lately...

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I am wondering why you feel compelled to.stay with someone who.treats you so shabbily? Chlamydia? No more kids (dealbreaker)? OW (and she is b/c she is sapping your husbands affections and he wants it to continue)?

 

Do yourself a favor: speed walk, elbows akimbo, for the nearest exit.

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I have say this, you are at disadvantaged place comparing to another girl, age/career/education. Unless you have a magic weapon, your H is on his way out of marriage. To stop having more kid with you is a proof.

 

Believe me, men treat marriage based on logic calculation, not some emotion.

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confusedwifey81

Well in my husbands defense he has not been intiating contact with her or spending time with her. Maybe he is waiting for things to calm back down? She hasn't been contacting him either but he already made it known that contact was welcome... But he has been focusing on our kids and working out how to bring our family back together. I don't understand why he won't block her. Does he have feelings for her? I don't understand why he was so honest with her and he must care about her if he doesn't want her to be his side piece?

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confusedwifey81
Do not move back home. Your H is not 'fixing' the marriage. Your H is a liar, a proven cheater from before and he has not owned up to anything nor shown any remorse. he isn't worthy of a second chance. Your daughter deserves a better man to be her step dad. This guy is selfish, mean and has no respect for you.

 

Sorry you're hurting but please, stand up and file for divorce. Your H has made some real bad choices in the past and he continually still makes bad choices which hurt you.

 

He was sorry when he confessed his cheating. He told me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me. That sometimes men just cheat. He just wanted to move past it as quick as possible and didn't want to do any therapy

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With all the fake friending and email, You've made this about her when she's not your problem - your husband is. I'd worry less about her and more about him...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She is the least of your problems. Your biggest concern should be your serial cheating husband. Sounds like you married him knowing full well who he was (cheater and not interested in more kids) but you figured you could change him into a different man. He will not change for you, you cannot make him somebody he is not.

 

 

As for why the OW doesn't speak to you. Well your husband probably told her not to and he has probably told her that you are a little loony. Your repeated friend requests, emails, and fake emails pretending to be him likely confirmed for her that you are unstable. Not saying you are but if he planted that idea in her head and then you sent her all these emails and requests it probably looks like you are unstable to her.

 

 

It doesn't matter why she won't speak to you because she is not the problem. Your husband has already cheated on you numerous times. Why do you need more info from the OW. You already know your husband is a cheater, she doesn't have to confirm that for you. Probably you should divorce your husband, heal and then move on, but don't ever think you can change a man, it never works.

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Your husband is a cheater.

 

Why would you knowingly go back? You didn't want him...then decided you only wanted him when the young beauty showed up. That's not a good reason to get back together.

 

You said you aren't in love with him.

 

Just divorce him and then he can cheat on someone else.

 

Stop expecting to speak to her - it's kind of creepy.

 

Your conversations at this point between you and your husband should only be about you and him.

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He told her he was trying to keep her away from the drama. He also told her that he over everything and it about to say F*** it. He told her he may try MC with me, but he didn’t sound happy and basically told her that he still has no idea what he is going to do even though he told me and her that he would agree to trying again. I am so lost and confused! What is going on here??? Is she really just a friend?? Why is he so defensive about her and kinda protecting her from me???? Why won’t she talk to me?? What should I do??? I haven't moved back home yet.

 

This guy has NEVER treated you well, nor loved you, nor had any respect for you. I don't care how handsome he is or how much money he makes... the guy just treats you like dirt.

 

Wouldn't you be happier with a man who loved you? Who wanted kids with you? Who isn't constantly cheating on you? Don't you deserve that?

 

If you really want this guy.... your going to have to play hard to get, but not too hard. - Best of Luck!

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You may as well divorce this man. Cheated twice and gave you an STD all before the honeymoon.....you should play the lottery next :rolleyes:

 

He's not worth your time.

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confusedwifey81
This guy has NEVER treated you well, nor loved you, nor had any respect for you. I don't care how handsome he is or how much money he makes... the guy just treats you like dirt.

 

Wouldn't you be happier with a man who loved you? Who wanted kids with you? Who isn't constantly cheating on you? Don't you deserve that?

 

If you really want this guy.... your going to have to play hard to get, but not too hard. - Best of Luck!

Well I did tell him I wanted to separate and i did leave him. I just feel like he put in a real effort to get me back while he was wrapped up in this other girl. Now he has not talked to her in almost 2 weeks and she hasn't contacted him...that's a good thing right?

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confusedwifey81
You may as well divorce this man. Cheated twice and gave you an STD all before the honeymoon.....you should play the lottery next :rolleyes:

 

He's not worth your time.

Yes but at least he confessed the cheating to me before the wedding right? That's counts as something, he could have hidden it from me forever. he hasn't been talking to her in the last 2 weeks almost... I know that he also admitted to her that he cheated on me in the past, I don't understand why he would tell her that?

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gettingstronger

Well, I guess its up to you if you want to continue this battle- and it is a battle- he has feelings for another, he has cheated multiple times, he has someone ready and willing to jump in should you ever do something that he does not like- thats a pretty big deck stacked against you- you have to figure out if you are up to this-

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confusedwifey81
Well, I guess its up to you if you want to continue this battle- and it is a battle- he has feelings for another, he has cheated multiple times, he has someone ready and willing to jump in should you ever do something that he does not like- thats a pretty big deck stacked against you- you have to figure out if you are up to this-

but does he really have feelings for her? He did cut her off for the most part and besides i thought usually the man wants to stay married. It would be devastating to my daughter (his stepdaughter) if we split up for good. i know he cares about my daughter like she is his own.

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Yes but at least he confessed the cheating to me before the wedding right? That's counts as something, he could have hidden it from me forever. he hasn't been talking to her in the last 2 weeks almost... I know that he also admitted to her that he cheated on me in the past, I don't understand why he would tell her that?

 

 

And you know he hasn't contacted her in 2 weeks, how exactly???? Because he told you?

 

 

I don't understand why he would tell her that?

 

He told her that because he was downplaying his commitment to you, to her.

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confusedwifey81
I have say this, you are at disadvantaged place comparing to another girl, age/career/education. Unless you have a magic weapon, your H is on his way out of marriage. To stop having more kid with you is a proof.

 

Believe me, men treat marriage based on logic calculation, not some emotion.

what do you mean by the bolded? Also he never wanted anymore kids even before we started dating. But I know he said to that girl that if they had gotten together before we were married they would have probably had a kid...I think he was just joking though. I mean from what I read MM don't really mean what they say to these other women. And if he is on his way out of our marriage why is he trying to bring our kids back together and possibly go to MC with me?

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but does he really have feelings for her? He did cut her off for the most part and besides i thought usually the man wants to stay married. It would be devastating to my daughter (his stepdaughter) if we split up for good. i know he cares about my daughter like she is his own.

 

You should go back and read everything you have posted. Ask yourself what his actions have been toward this woman. I think if you are honest with yourself, you will come to find that he does indeed have feelings for this woman.

Edited by Realist3
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confusedwifey81
And you know he hasn't contacted her in 2 weeks, how exactly???? Because he told you?

 

 

 

 

He told her that because he was downplaying his commitment to you, to her.

Because i snoop and I haven't seen anything from her. i think she is moving on. Why would he want to downplay his committment? Admitting he is a cheater will make him look stupid to her. Her response to him was that he could easliy do that to her, he was upset and wished he never told her because he didn't want her to think that...

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confusedwifey81
You should go back and read everything you have posted. Ask yourself what his actions have been toward this woman. I think if you are honest with yourself, you will come to find that he does indeed have feelings for this woman.

Ok maybe he did while we were separated but now he wants to work on our marriage so that means his feelings can't be too deep for her. MM hardly ever leave for the other woman...he's a family man, i can't see him doing that

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Couple of things here. First, it is obvious he has not been an ideal partner. So you have reasons to not be sure if you are in love with him anymore. And those reasons made YOU make the decision to separate( correct me if IMisunderstood that) . When you separated was the agreement no dating others???

Now he finds some other woman he likes, her age and attractiveness are not relavant. Then YOU decide you want him back. And he is having a hard time going NC with her.

Seems like a little double standard here. A lot of tolerance for women having a hard time with so called "fog" for OM but when men feel that way they are scumbags.

You husband have you plenty of reasons to not want to be married to him. And you chose to separate. You two need to have some real heart to heart talks and what you see your future as, and then set some boundaries and expectations for each other, which on his part must include transparency and a total committment to you. It looks like you have been lucky and they have not actually started a PA, but she needs to go, but that will probably happen when you to are focused and committed to R:

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Because i snoop and I haven't seen anything from her. i think she is moving on. Why would he want to downplay his committment? Admitting he is a cheater will make him look stupid to her. Her response to him was that he could easliy do that to her, he was upset and wished he never told her because he didn't want her to think that...

 

"Do that to her...."

 

Now why on Earth would she be concerned that he would do that to her if they weren't getting close? It may not have been the best move on his part, but the fact that she gave that response should make things pretty clear to you about what is going on between them. He is/was trying to have an affair with her.

 

You may not be as good of a snooper as you think. But, even if you are, it doesn't appear that you are understanding what you are reading.

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