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She won't just leave him alone.


Tootiredtofight

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Tootiredtofight

I don't know what to do. I am angry and hurt with him right now. I've never been one to seek advice from strangers but I feel like I am all alone. My parents are no help. My friends like the homewrecker and would blame my husband because she plays innocent so well it is disgusting. I make more than my husband and would end up paying alimony. The worst thing is I would lose my wonderful stepdaughter that I raised!

 

These women always seem to go after him. This one is persistent. Two years ago she got him in to bed with her when he was drunk. He doesn't remember anything. She had been trying to start an affair with him and I had warned him but he is so clueless he brushed it off. And then after this incident he denied it happened when she pushed for more and he refused she told her husband and me that they had had an affair. I think she was trying to get us to break up. She had no proof. I didn't believe her but I was mad at him for being too nice. And getting so drunk he blacked out while around her.

 

It gets worse. Now two years later I just caught him in communications with her. They work in the same building but different departments. And I let him because I knew he only saw her maybe once a month. But they have been chatting. I found a picture when I was going through his phone. Not a really bad photo but not one you send a co-worker. He says that he never asked for it but his reply was more than "friendly". I even sent her a message before from him that was really cruel.

 

I told her husband. I don't know what else to do. She is relentless. Why can't she leave my husband alone. I have asked her to so many times and she just lies and lies and says it his him contacting her. But never has any proof. How do you stop someone outside from coming after your husband?

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Keep her away from your husband? That's not up to you, that's up to him.

Trust me, if he wanted to get rid of her, he would.

He may tell you that she's the pursuer, but a) I wouldn't believe him anything at this point, b) she says the opposite is true, c) what does it matter? He doesn't "fight" her, that's for sure. Why else would he end up in her bed? Drunk or not, the best case scenario here is that he "just" has weak boundaries, which will always lead to trouble, no matter what, unless he starts working on that. Worst case scenario: he lies and actively pursues her, not vice versa, and has had an affair with her ever since. Which, if you look around and open your eyes and listen to other people's experiences with infidelity, is the most likely situation.

 

What did her H say when you exposed them? Have there been any consequences? How did YOU put your foot down?

Because, just waiting around HOPING they will stop, will obviously not solve the problem. He is still sneaking around lying to you about their relationship. No matter what it is, physical, emotional, sexting, sending pictures etc., this woman plays a role in his life. She has never gone away and never will, if they don't have to face consequences. Being nice to him and waiting it out hasn't done anything for you. So my advice is: tell him what you know, lay down the rules and watch him like a hawk. If he doesn't comply with your requests, then act. This is disrespectful behavior on his part, and he doesn't put you first, like he should. Unacceptable.

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Why don't you tell her husband? Otherwise you can't stop her from doing anything and I doubt your husband is an innocent bystander.

 

And why would you have to pay alimony? Does your husband not work?

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Ok let's start with a little reality check so we are all on Planet Earth here before we get started.

 

A man of character who loves his wife and is devoted to her and his home and family could come home from work to find a dozen naked Swedish supermodels writhing around in baby oil begging for his dck and he would step over them and go into the house and shut the door without looking back.

 

The reason your family would blame your husband for this is because he is responsible and accountable for his actions and responsible for his conduct with this other woman.

 

Your husband is a cheater and he cheated. Now she may be a slutty skank, but he made a conscious decision to woo her and flirt her up and take her clothes off and put his penis into her. Then he made the decision to cover it up and downplay it so it could continue.

 

This OM bares some culpability as well but your husbands actions are and his involvement with it are all on him.

 

He chose to get drunk and use that as an excuse so it is therefor not an excuse. There are drunks. There are cheaters. Your husband is a drunken cheater.

 

First step in all of this is to face up to the fact he is a drunken cheater and a louse and a no-goodnick and stop making excuses for him and then we can work from there,

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Tootiredtofight

The reason I know it is her not him because I know him. And she was my friend and I know her. If he pursued her she would have some sort of evidence. And she would gladly show me. She delights in hurting me. I honestly think she is doing all this to hurt me. She is a lot of names I can't say on here. Everyone loves her but I know the real person behind the bubbly outgoing exterior. She knows how to manipulate my husband and does.

 

My husband apologized to me. He said that what I saw was the first interaction and it had been friendly. He said he only replied to the picture because he was worried if he didn't she would get mad at make up a story like last time. Our marriage is really rocky and he said we didn't need her drama. That I should just ignore her like he is. I haven't heard a peep from her since telling her husband. But we live in a small town and inevitably will be seeing each other. Especially since we share close friends.

 

He did have consequences to the first time. Really bad ones that hit him where it counts. This time I'm just too tired to fight.

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Tootiredtofight
Why don't you tell her husband? Otherwise you can't stop her from doing anything and I doubt your husband is an innocent bystander.

 

And why would you have to pay alimony? Does your husband not work?

 

I did tell her husband right away. But he either doesn't care or believes her lies and does nothing for consequences. She goes along her merry way.

 

My husband does work now but doesn't make much. But was a stay at home dad for years. Where I live you also have to pay child support for step children because I am a guardian. And I'd lose her.

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Tootiredtofight
Ok let's start with a little reality check so we are all on Planet Earth here before we get started.

 

A man of character who loves his wife and is devoted to her and his home and family could come home from work to find a dozen naked Swedish supermodels writhing around in baby oil begging for his dck and he would step over them and go into the house and shut the door without looking back.

 

The reason your family would blame your husband for this is because he is responsible and accountable for his actions and responsible for his conduct with this other woman.

 

Your husband is a cheater and he cheated. Now she may be a slutty skank, but he made a conscious decision to woo her and flirt her up and take her clothes off and put his penis into her. Then he made the decision to cover it up and downplay it so it could continue.

 

This OM bares some culpability as well but your husbands actions are and his involvement with it are all on him.

 

He chose to get drunk and use that as an excuse so it is therefor not an excuse. There are drunks. There are cheaters. Your husband is a drunken cheater.

 

First step in all of this is to face up to the fact he is a drunken cheater and a louse and a no-goodnick and stop making excuses for him and then we can work from there,

 

I don't even know if he did have his penis inside her. He says he probably was too drunk to get it up and wishes he could remember. And don't you believe in drunken mistakes? I do. I have made them before just not on this level.

 

I do understand what you are saying. But I honestly believe she is the problem and if she went away there would be no others.

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You type like your husband is a victim - like he's not responsible for participating.

 

You want him to do something about it? File for divorce and see if that wakes him up and invokes change in him. If it doesn't then you can be free of a jerk.

 

He has all the responsibility of what he's caused. Be mad at HIM not her.

 

If he doesn't want to change this - it won't ever change. It looks like he wants it to continue knowing it hurts you. That's not love!

 

And stop defending his bad behavior - it's like you're helping him to make it ok - it's not ok. Blame him!

Edited by beach
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I don't even know if he did have his penis inside her. He says he probably was too drunk to get it up and wishes he could remember.

 

you are going by what people say and not by what they do. People can say anything, but they are what they do. Your husband was in bed with another and has pictures and has conversations on his phone.

 

You are still in denial and still under the fog of disbelief and illusion. That's ok we understand. It's all part of the process. We have all see it countless times before. In time your fog will lift and you will see it clearly. You just have to get to the point where you accept what your own eyes and your own gut are telling you.

 

 

And don't you believe in drunken mistakes?

 

 

oh I believe people do stupid crap when they are drunk. But they are still held accountable for their behavior. If my wife screws some guy when she's drunk, then she still has some other guys dck in her and it is still infidelity and she will still be held accountable and will still face the same music.

 

You need to take the same stand. The drunkeness is just being used as a get-out-of-jail card and you are allowing it so it will continue and will likely escalate.

 

People don't have to drink. If someone does stupid and harmful things when they drink, then they need to stop drinking. Taking the drink is a conscious choice. When someone does bad things when they drink and they continue to drink, then they are still accountable for their bad behavior.

 

Your husband went to bed and had sex with another woman. He still did it even though he was drunk. He is still accountable but only if you hold him accountable.

 

 

I do understand what you are saying. But I honestly believe she is the problem and if she went away there would be no others

 

that is also part of the fog and delusion of a betrayed spouse (BS). The truth is it is a character flaw of the wayward spouse (WS) and given similar circumstances (which is being around other women) he will do it again, especially since nothing has happened to him this time.

 

 

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thirtysomethingteen

You can't make her go away. Even if you could it's unlikely it would make a difference for long as there are plenty more where she came from.

 

Have you met with an attorney to see what your options are?

 

Your husband sounds an awful like my husband back in his cheating days: underemployed (if not outright unemployed) with a harem of bimbos that "just won't leave him alone!" I finally found proof that he had been sleeping with both the ex and the slutty coworker who "just wouldn't leave him alone." Go figure, in the 4 years since D-day there has yet to be a single incident with a woman who "won't go away."

 

Ask yourself as a woman, would YOU spend years chasing a married man who made it clear he wanted nothing to do with you? I highly doubt it.

 

It sounds like you have enabled him in his victim mentality for far too long. Time for him to grow up, get a real job and stop leading other women on (and hooking up with them) for his own gratification. But you can't control him, only yourself, and as long as he knows you'll fall for his BS nothing will ever change (at least not for the better).

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He obviously hasn't had enough consequences to never participate again.

 

He's not honest. He flirts with other women. He acts like he's single.

 

 

Nothing about him looks like he's married. Is that what you want? You want to spend years and years wondering?

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Can you contact their work HR department and complain about her obvious sexual harassment? That might shake things up a bit

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My X called his lawyer and had a cease and desist letter created and mailed that included consequences of violating the request.

By that time he hated her and himself.

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I don't know what to do. I am angry and hurt with him right now. I've never been one to seek advice from strangers but I feel like I am all alone. My parents are no help. My friends like the homewrecker and would blame my husband because she plays innocent so well it is disgusting. I make more than my husband and would end up paying alimony. The worst thing is I would lose my wonderful stepdaughter that I raised!

 

These women always seem to go after him. This one is persistent. Two years ago she got him in to bed with her when he was drunk. He doesn't remember anything. She had been trying to start an affair with him and I had warned him but he is so clueless he brushed it off. And then after this incident he denied it happened when she pushed for more and he refused she told her husband and me that they had had an affair. I think she was trying to get us to break up. She had no proof. I didn't believe her but I was mad at him for being too nice. And getting so drunk he blacked out while around her.

 

It gets worse. Now two years later I just caught him in communications with her. They work in the same building but different departments. And I let him because I knew he only saw her maybe once a month. But they have been chatting. I found a picture when I was going through his phone. Not a really bad photo but not one you send a co-worker. He says that he never asked for it but his reply was more than "friendly". I even sent her a message before from him that was really cruel.

 

I told her husband. I don't know what else to do. She is relentless. Why can't she leave my husband alone. I have asked her to so many times and she just lies and lies and says it his him contacting her. But never has any proof. How do you stop someone outside from coming after your husband?

 

IMO this problem is up to your WH to fix. I would bet this woman is getting some kind of signal from him and that is inspiring her to keep after him. Maybe for him this pursuit is good for his ego?

 

Anyway - you WH needs to get as nasty with her as it takes to make her go away. All contact with her needs to be severed. And these friends who see the OW as a nice person.. they need to go too.

 

He needs to fix it. If you keep trying to shut her down the OW will just think you are preventing her and your WH from being together, and believe that your WH wants that, but you are keeping them apart.

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There is a guy at work I had a fling with last year and he is still around talking to me. That was more than a year ago and he could shake me off to stop talking to me if he wanted to but he doesn't. He might even be seeing someone, no idea. The point is, it's his choice, I couldn't make him if he didn't want to.

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You're accountable for the things you do while drunk. If you break the law while drunk the judge doesn't say "Oh, he was drunk, he didn't mean it." I've been hammered, lost-my-shoes drunk and propositioned by attractive men. I told them I was flattered but married and promptly removed myself from the situation. I've been drunk enough to do silly, outrageous things that I wouldn't have the nerve to do sober, but I've never been drunk enough to violate my moral code and ruin my husband's life.

 

Your husband is 100% to blame for sleeping with her, and 100% to blame for any continued contact. She might be the skankiest, nastiest, most conniving piece of festering gutter trash that ever crawled out of a sewer, but if he's in contact with her it's because he wants to be.

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Tootiredtofight
You type like your husband is a victim - like he's not responsible for participating.

 

You want him to do something about it? File for divorce and see if that wakes him up and invokes change in him. If it doesn't then you can be free of a jerk.

 

He has all the responsibility of what he's caused. Be mad at HIM not her.

 

If he doesn't want to change this - it won't ever change. It looks like he wants it to continue knowing it hurts you. That's not love!

 

And stop defending his bad behavior - it's like you're helping him to make it ok - it's not ok. Blame him!

 

I already told you I can't divorce him. I would lose my step daughter. I love her like my own. I did kick him out before. Threatened again. His problem is he is too nice and does need to get nasty with her. But I tried that using his name and she still came back. Or never left.

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Tootiredtofight
He obviously hasn't had enough consequences to never participate again.

 

He's not honest. He flirts with other women. He acts like he's single.

 

 

Nothing about him looks like he's married. Is that what you want? You want to spend years and years wondering?

 

He doean't flirt with women. He was flirty with this one woman. He does act married. And as for consequences I had a revenge affair after the drunk incident. I made sure he knew and it hurt him like hell. But he still denied having an affair with her so I think he is telling the truth.

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TrustedthenBusted
His problem is he is too nice and does need to get nasty with her.

 

 

That is not his problem.

 

His problem is he banged her and is in an active affair with her and is getting away with it while you make excuses for him.

 

In fact... his situation is ideal.

 

YOU are the one with the problem.

 

Trust me...I had the same one.

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Tootiredtofight
IMO this problem is up to your WH to fix. I would bet this woman is getting some kind of signal from him and that is inspiring her to keep after him. Maybe for him this pursuit is good for his ego?

 

Anyway - you WH needs to get as nasty with her as it takes to make her go away. All contact with her needs to be severed. And these friends who see the OW as a nice person.. they need to go too.

 

He needs to fix it. If you keep trying to shut her down the OW will just think you are preventing her and your WH from being together, and believe that your WH wants that, but you are keeping them apart.

 

Don't you think she just looks for something not there? I know lots of women who have done that. But you are very right. He needs to get nasty and tell her to F off. Only one friend even knows about the whole thing and they think my husband is a willing partner. It is my best friend so we don't talk about it. I am not going to lose friends because of her.

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Tootiredtofight
You're accountable for the things you do while drunk. If you break the law while drunk the judge doesn't say "Oh, he was drunk, he didn't mean it." I've been hammered, lost-my-shoes drunk and propositioned by attractive men. I told them I was flattered but married and promptly removed myself from the situation. I've been drunk enough to do silly, outrageous things that I wouldn't have the nerve to do sober, but I've never been drunk enough to violate my moral code and ruin my husband's life.

 

Your husband is 100% to blame for sleeping with her, and 100% to blame for any continued contact. She might be the skankiest, nastiest, most conniving piece of festering gutter trash that ever crawled out of a sewer, but if he's in contact with her it's because he wants to be.

 

Actually, recently a guy in the news got a slap on the wrist for murder. He got a manslaughter charge instead of first or second degree murder. That was because of the level of intoxication they were at when he murdered him. Only 5 years in prison. That is just one of many stories where being drunk is a factor in the outcome.

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He IS a willing partner in his ongoing communication with her that looks like an affair!

 

If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck it must be a duck.

 

Stop making excuses FOR him and defending him.

You don't have a marriage because he is cheating on you.

 

Act accordingly.

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Tootiredtofight
Nobody forgets sex. Nobody.

 

He was black out drunk. It means he was functioning but has no memory of what happened. Google it. And like I said we don't even know if he had sex.

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