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I know... (Updated)


longjourney

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I know that my WH would not be with me if we did not have kids.

 

I know that I am a drain on our M due to my health issues, that are only getting worse.

 

I know that my WH loves/loved the OW.

 

I know that my WH wishes he could stop wanting to be with her.

 

I know my WH wants to be with her more now since she is D.

 

I know my WH did not mean to hurt me.

 

I know my WH will stay in our M because he feels bad leaving me alone.

 

I know my WH loves his kids even more then he loves OW.

 

I know my WH loved the OW even before he knew me, and has ever since.

 

I know I am not strong.

 

I know I am making do, and thankful that he is staying with me.

 

I know I am an embarrassment to strong women.

 

I know I would be lost without my WH's help with the kids and the house.

 

I know I still try to stalk the OW on social media, but it gets me no where.

 

I know I try to "look happy" to her, even though my gut is telling me they are still in contact. (and how stupid would that make me feel?)

 

I know I see my WH drift off often and it brings me back to when I first suspected the LTA.

 

I know they have SO much in common and that he admires the mother and person that she is.

 

I know she makes him laugh.

 

I know he thinks she is fun to be around.

 

I know they have been friends for years.

 

I know he finds her sexy AND beautiful.

 

I know my gut is not wrong, I feel it so strongly.

 

I know I have to find strength and I am hoping by writing this all out, it will start to become more real. My IC thought it was a good idea also

 

Thanks for listening.

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There's some contradictory stuff there. Is it what you H says or what you think? Hugs, it's hard in the beginning. I would imagine you have a lot going for you or why on earth would he marry you in the first place. Affairs rock us and knock our confidence but it doesn't last forever xx

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There's some contradictory stuff there. Is it what you H says or what you think? Hugs, it's hard in the beginning. I would imagine you have a lot going for you or why on earth would he marry you in the first place. Affairs rock us and knock our confidence but it doesn't last forever xx

 

He has said all those things, we are a roughly a year out from DDay. After DDay I found out they were still in contact with a second cell phone. But mind you he has not said these things to be malicious, this is though out a year of this mess, and he did not say it to hurt me. He was finally being honest after I found the phone. Since recent health scares with me, he HAS said that he feels bad for my situation, and was afraid to lose me, BUT, the OW has gone through a recent separation and heading toward divorce, and my gut is SCREAMING.

 

 

Why did he marry me? LOL. The OW was already married, and had turned him down so many times before that, that he gave up trying after a while, and then lucky me came along and hung around. I know he often said he was going to wind up alone, so I guess I fixed that issue, but if he could have had his choice??? Wellllll, I think we know where that goes.

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A lot of the pain we feel as betrayed spouses comes from an internal dialogue wherein we tell ourselves that we are unworthy of fidelity. We think that we as people were responsible for our own pain because we were inadequate in some way, because if we really were wonderful loving people worthy of respect, then why did our WS cheat on us?

 

As a BH I wondered this too. It was very self destructive.. adding to the destruction my WW brought to me with her long term affair (LTA).

 

I thought that maybe I was lacking in so many ways. Maybe I was not good enough in bed, or not smart enough, or handsome enough, or not funny enough, or maybe I didn't do enough around the house, or maybe I didn't pay enough attention to my WW. The list (like yours) went on and on. Basically I thought that I did not deserve to be treated with respect.

 

This is a really poisonous internal dialogue... and one my WW was quick to agree with because it justified her affair.

 

I am going to tell you one true thing right now - and I want you to listen. Your husband does not deserve you. He is a liar, and a cheater, and an abuser. If you stay with him, you are the one settling for less than you deserve.

 

Now another true thing - your husband cheated because of something defective inside him. NOTHING you could have done or not done would have prevented his cheating. Your husband is the one with inadequacies. Your husband is the one that's broken. None of the reasons for his affair are on you - ALL of it is on him.

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A year out? Wow no wonder you are feeling like you are.

 

If he's not 100% committed to working on your marriage let him go. You are worth more than that. I'm over 10 yrs out and my xH is a long distant memory. Turn to your family and friends

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Why did he marry me? LOL. The OW was already married, and had turned him down so many times before that, that he gave up trying after a while, and then lucky me came along and hung around. I know he often said he was going to wind up alone, so I guess I fixed that issue, but if he could have had his choice??? Wellllll, I think we know where that goes.

 

I think you have to be careful at this point, the temptation for a BS to practice revisionist history is almost overwhelming. If it's your goal to stay in the marriage (and it may be too soon to tell), you'll want to stick to the facts. He chose you and married you for a reason. Only you can determine if that reason still makes sense. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I have read other posts by you and for now I'm not responding to the particulars of this post.

 

What I would really like to hear is what would have to happen for you to be rid of this man and live on your own or with the support of family/friends.

 

Just pretend for me and tell me what you would need for that to happen.

 

I get from your posts that you think its impossible and I understand you have health issues, but what would you need to be able to tell this man to take a hike if he is not all in with you and your marriage?

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Hope Shimmers

LongJourney, I have read your threads for awhile now - many you don't ever come back to reply to so I am guessing it is just venting. I hope you will start listening to people here.

 

You are so much stronger than you believe. I don't know what your health issues are, but I don't care if you are a quadriplegic with terminal cancer. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU ARE GIVING YOURSELF CREDIT FOR!!! And NONE of your health issues take one thing away from who you are!!!!!!!!

 

Your threads are focused on putting yourself down while making excuses, more or less, for why your H screwed around on you. He doesn't deserve it, or you.

 

I'll repeat what another poster said because he was right. Your H does NOT deserve you. He does NOT!

 

Until you learn to believe that, you are doomed to a life of this forever. Is that what you want? You are soooooo much better than that. Why not stand up for yourself because YOU DESERVE IT and let us help you the rest of the way? You can do it... please believe it. If you don't believe it, no one else can help you. :( But if you will take that step, you have a whole life ahead of you, and I know that everyone here will back you 1000%.

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Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. Yes I do not often get back here and reply to the wise comments, and yes as one poster said, I do come here to vent.

 

 

So many have said that my WH does not deserve me, and I deserve SO much better. For me it is hard to draw the line, and yes my health has A LOT to do with it, not to mention our kids. If I could magically suck the knowledge of his LTA out of my brain and just took a peak into our lives on any given day, I would think this is a family that is "so together". We work well together. We have a nice family unit.

 

 

The problem is that such a gadget does not exist and I cannot suck what I know out of my brain. I know my WH stays out of obligation. I know if he could magically change his circumstances, he would never have married me and he would have been with OW.

 

 

I have read so many times on this forum that the A is not real, that both parties involved only give their best to the other person. I have read that they do not deal with every day issues as a M couple does. Well what do you say to my WH and his OW. They knew each other VERY well, prior to being M. They have seen the true other person and that love grew through the years. Her BH and I just got in their way. I am still in their way. I do think that is partially why I stay as well. I don't want her to get him. I don't want my child (and step child) around her, and if the truth be known that is because once they do start their lives together, everyone will see how much happier he is and how good they are together.

 

 

I know you all mean well, but ouch, it SO hurts.

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@longjourney

 

I think long term affairs (LTA) are really a different animal than a ONS or something that really doesn't have the emotional connection. LTA's are real relationships.. the people involved know each other well, and the feelings they have for each other are sincere.

 

However I also think that in pretty much every relationship, that we only show parts of ourselves to the other person. We do this with friends, and we do this with our spouses.

 

I've been married for more than 35 years to my WW, and there are things about me she does not know. These are things about my past, and things about my personal beliefs. It isn't that I actively hide these things from her, but these aspects of my self don't really have any credence or relevance to our relationship. Basically they never come up.

 

With that in mind I think my WW only shared parts of herself with her OM.. maybe these were parts of herself that she has not shared with me.

 

The relationship your WH has with this OW is not the same as the relationship he has with you.

 

You know, IF their feelings of love they profess to have for each other were strong and as sincere as they say, they would find a way to be together. A D can happen and both parents can still have good relationships with their kids. Children who come from divorced parents are generally fine - and really aren't any more scarred than children that come from intact families.

 

I think that sometimes kids can sense tension, and that your WH thinks he would rather be with this OW - and that can scar them far worse than coming from divorced parents.

 

Just my opinion though.

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Yes, I know my kids would be "okay" if we divorced, but I wouldn't be. As I said, one of my BIGGEST fears is me letting my WH go to be with OW and them starting their lives together. That would include my child and step child. I cannot fathom the idea of their happy family.

 

 

I do realize that they have not lived the daily lives together, but they have known each other longer then I have even known my WH and they do know who each other are, VERY WELL. They do know each others basic traits and beliefs, feelings and intimacy's. I almost believe that he has been more himself with her then he is with me.

 

 

I do not feel our kids feel any tension between us because we are civil and friendly to each other, it's just that when I am alone with myself, I start to think about what a sham our M is and if this is how it will be forever. I do know that my WH will not leave without me asking him to, he will stay because he knows he needs to take care of me and my issues. It's funny when I think back, it was the way he was attentive to my illness when I was first diagnosed before we were M'd that made me think that he was "the one". Like I said, he is just a nurturer, I know he would do the same for OW AND he would truly want to be there. I remember all the times he has taken care of me during the LTA, and I thought I was SO lucky and our love was SO rare, and he was already YEARS into the A.

 

 

I look at it this way, at least now I know what is going on. I know they still talk (not for a fact, but I know) and just the fact that I am bracing for it, makes it so much less painful then being blindsided EVER again.

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This is excruciating to read and, of course, harder to live. I can see how you have put all this together, but everyone here is right: You owe yourself so much more than you owe them! You're so painfully fatalistic about this and accepting of the standard AP approach to infidelity. Star-struck lovers every one, they thrive on their romance-novel lives. They met too late or too early. Obstacles are there to help the sexual tension build and keep the drama throbbing.

 

Give me a break. You don't really have to buy into their self-assigned entitlement. Nor should you agree to suspend rational thought and accept their fuzzy thinking and mystical justifications. Who decided they were 'meant to be'? It's just a mind-f..k away whether the fairy dust of true love falls on one head or another. Hell, how in the world do you think MILLIONS of people in arranged marriages all over the world come to love each other passionately and deeply for life?

 

No, you don't deserve to be the fall guy here, lj, and you have just as much right to expect his love and devotion. He's a schmuck for letting his heart turn away from you in your hour of need, and you did nothing to deserve it but still excuse his disloyalty. He knows the world should and would revile him for leaving you alone and taking the kids away. The ignominy of such an action is the same for the inaction. He's no martyr, and you don't have to be either. Please. You deserve his love as much or more than she does.

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I do think that is partially why I stay as well. I don't want her to get him.

 

But who do you really punish with this approach? It's neither of them as they've proven over time they'll see each other when they want to. If love really conquered all, they'd be tiptoeing thru the tulips together.

 

So who's the real victim of your current "stay and eat a sh*t sandwich" approach :confused::confused::confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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What makes you think you're standing in their way?

She rejected him, even tough he was chasing her, remember?

Why would she want him as a real-life partner now, when she didn't want him then? I think he would leave you if she were avaiable to him. You said it yourself that he only married you because she was not available.

 

Doesn't mean that just because she gets divorced, that she will want to end up with your H. Seems more like a pedestal situation where she's the one who is far beyond his reach, romantically. And that motivates him even more.

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Yes, I know my kids would be "okay" if we divorced, but I wouldn't be. As I said, one of my BIGGEST fears is me letting my WH go to be with OW and them starting their lives together. That would include my child and step child. I cannot fathom the idea of their happy family.

 

 

I do realize that they have not lived the daily lives together, but they have known each other longer then I have even known my WH and they do know who each other are, VERY WELL. They do know each others basic traits and beliefs, feelings and intimacy's. I almost believe that he has been more himself with her then he is with me.

 

 

I do not feel our kids feel any tension between us because we are civil and friendly to each other, it's just that when I am alone with myself, I start to think about what a sham our M is and if this is how it will be forever. I do know that my WH will not leave without me asking him to, he will stay because he knows he needs to take care of me and my issues. It's funny when I think back, it was the way he was attentive to my illness when I was first diagnosed before we were M'd that made me think that he was "the one". Like I said, he is just a nurturer, I know he would do the same for OW AND he would truly want to be there. I remember all the times he has taken care of me during the LTA, and I thought I was SO lucky and our love was SO rare, and he was already YEARS into the A.

 

 

I look at it this way, at least now I know what is going on. I know they still talk (not for a fact, but I know) and just the fact that I am bracing for it, makes it so much less painful then being blindsided EVER again.

 

I think you are deluding yourself and steamrolling your ego in the process.

 

She keeps rejecting him, he is NOT good enOugh for her, so like a Labrador retriever, he keeps wagging his tail hoping she pets him.

 

To protect HIS ego, he tells her and himself that he CANNOT leave you because of your illness. What a noble man! She takes pity, still keeps in touch with him, yet does NOT choose him because that would make her the wicked witch: A woman who steals a man away from his sick wife.

 

Your H agrees. She isn't rejecting HIM, she just can't bear to be the bad person and he agrees....what a great lady.

 

the lies people tell themselves just blows my mind. That they have convinced you, a smart woman, of this tragic nonsense blows my mind even more.

 

CALL their bluff.

 

Whatever it takes. Send him to her....tell him you've met someone online and want to pursue it....he's free to be with her, you'd never stand in the way of true love....if he could still help with the kids and the house, that would be great as your online guy lives on the other side of the planet....blah...blah...blah...

 

I give it six months tops.

 

they have created a scenario with your illness as the major excuse. remove it.

He still may do as much; she may not really want him, but REMOVE your illness as the tragic reason why they cannot be together.

 

I double dare you.

 

What is the worst that could happen? the DO wind up together but he still remains a devoted father and a helpful xspouse.

 

You wind up with your self-respect.

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Real love requires courage.

 

If they really loved each other and the only impediment is not to look like evil people for harming the sick wife, they would have the courage to figure out how to live their love out loud while also ensuring that you are taken care of.

 

I think as others have said that what you keep seeing as some larger than life love affair between the two of them is not all that.

 

I'm with Spark. Kick his ass to the curb and see how long it lasts.

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CALL their bluff.

 

Whatever it takes. Send him to her....tell him you've met someone online and want to pursue it....he's free to be with her, you'd never stand in the way of true love....if he could still help with the kids and the house, that would be great as your online guy lives on the other side of the planet....blah...blah...blah...

 

I

I double dare you.

 

What is the worst that could happen? the DO wind up together but he still remains a devoted father and a helpful xspouse.

 

You wind up with your self-respect.

 

And if he goes??? Then I am back to what I DON'T WANT!!! I don't want him with OW. I do not want my children around her every other weekend.

 

 

I know you are all trying to be kind, telling me that my WH and OW are in fantasy land. That is not the case with them. THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 20 YEARS!!!! Are they perfect together and won't face normal issues all couples do? Of course they would.

 

 

Yes he would look like a gigantic jerk for leaving me in my situation, but is that the reason I want him to stay?? Actually correction, that is already the reason he is staying.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just the opposite, I am facing reality. As much as it sucks, it is true. Do I know I deserve someone who truly loves me? Yes I know that, but sadly those are not the cards I was dealt.

 

 

So what are my options? I don't want to/can't do this thing called life by myself. I love my WH for helping me and being the father of my kids. I am not so delusional that I believe I could never move on and find "someone", but that puts me back to square one. I do not want my children with the OW, and the famous saying here is trust your gut. Well my gut is telling me that they are still talking, if not seeing each other, and that they WILL be together. So where does that leave me??? I do not want HER around my kids!!! I may be weak with a lot of things, but not with my kids.

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And if he goes??? Then I am back to what I DON'T WANT!!! I don't want him with OW. I do not want my children around her every other weekend.

 

 

 

 

So you are content with living a lie. Knowing what you "know" you would rather keep him stuck with you in an obvious farce of a marriage because you don't want him to be happy with her. You are using your illness as a crutch.

 

It is painfully obvious to everyone that this situation is crushing you, and I think everyone empathizes with that, but let it go. As hard as it may be at least you won't be burdened by living a lie.

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And if he goes??? Then I am back to what I DON'T WANT!!! I don't want him with OW. I do not want my children around her every other weekend.

 

 

I know you are all trying to be kind, telling me that my WH and OW are in fantasy land. That is not the case with them. THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 20 YEARS!!!! Are they perfect together and won't face normal issues all couples do? Of course they would.

 

 

Yes he would look like a gigantic jerk for leaving me in my situation, but is that the reason I want him to stay?? Actually correction, that is already the reason he is staying.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just the opposite, I am facing reality. As much as it sucks, it is true. Do I know I deserve someone who truly loves me? Yes I know that, but sadly those are not the cards I was dealt.

 

 

So what are my options? I don't want to/can't do this thing called life by myself. I love my WH for helping me and being the father of my kids. I am not so delusional that I believe I could never move on and find "someone", but that puts me back to square one. I do not want my children with the OW, and the famous saying here is trust your gut. Well my gut is telling me that they are still talking, if not seeing each other, and that they WILL be together. So where does that leave me??? I do not want HER around my kids!!! I may be weak with a lot of things, but not with my kids.

 

LJ...so gently I ask, you are,living this ego-crushing existence to spare your children knowing the OW?

 

Why? If you truly believe it is inevitable that they will be together, or pursue a relationship despite your illness, isn't it logical your children will meet her? Spend time with her?

 

Not once did I say you should divorce. I just said give him the permission to be with his soulmate.

 

they've known each other for 20 years....how? Via text, emails, or time pre-kids?

 

have they paid bills together? Negotiated the trash to the curb? Up all night with a vomiting child?

 

Why are you so sure their unrequited love is just meant to be?

 

And if they do wind up together, your H can then tell your children he stayed because caring for their sick mother was the right thing to to do for you and for them....sigh.....

 

How noble he will seem to them, how patient and kind his long-suffering and patient OW may seem to them.

 

I may throw up. Why, oh why, aren't you?

 

have him help with the house, help with the kids, but please let him go so they both stop using your illness as THE end all! be all excuse for not being together now.

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I get you don't want the OW around your kids, I do. What is staying with him truly doing for YOU and your kids? You've lost your self-esteem, respect and confidence. You compare yourself and obsess over the OW while giving your children a false reality of who their father really is. How is living like this healthy for you or your children? Helping with your illness and the children does NOT make him a noble or good man. It's the job of a husband and father.

 

I'm a strong believer in trusting your gut. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he still was talking or seeing the OW. Why wouldn't he LJ? You haven't made him face the consequences of his actions. He knows that he can have a girlfriend on the side and you won't leave him. He knows that he can secretly see his OW during the day and come home to you and his kids every night without the burden of paying alimony or child support because you won't leave him. He knows that he doesn't have to commit to reconciling his marriage because again you won't leave him. You are giving this selfish man a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants.

 

I can literally feel the pain in every single one of your posts and it breaks my heart. I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I know you're hurting from the inside out. I and the other posters here want you to be happy. We know that as long as you stay, you'll never find that happiness and peace you deserve. Reconciliation takes two and he's proven to you time after time that he's not willing to do what it takes. He's destroying your soul and you are giving him that power.

 

You are stronger than you think LJ. Starting from square one just might be a blessing in disguise. I honestly believe that you are afraid of leaving him. Your fear is paralyzing you. I just want you to seriously look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, "If I don't respect myself, who will?" You're children will be okay sweetie. They will admire and respect you for leaving a bad situation. I know you're set on staying with your WH and making sure that the OW doesn't get him, but I have hope that one day you'll change your mind. I wish you peace.

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You say this is not hurting damaging your kids but any tension is going to rub off on the kids, no matter how well you think you are hiding it.

You are hiding behind the "I don't want her near my kids", excuse to make sure you do nothing about this situation.

You are playing the martyr here.

He may have stuck the knife into your belly, but you are the one twisting it to cause maximum damage. You are in self destruct mode, ATM.

 

Go find a good therapist, one that will motivate you and increase your self esteem.

DO NOT LET THEM WIN.

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And if he goes??? Then I am back to what I DON'T WANT!!! I don't want him with OW. I do not want my children around her every other weekend.

 

 

I know you are all trying to be kind, telling me that my WH and OW are in fantasy land. That is not the case with them. THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 20 YEARS!!!! Are they perfect together and won't face normal issues all couples do? Of course they would.

 

 

Yes he would look like a gigantic jerk for leaving me in my situation, but is that the reason I want him to stay?? Actually correction, that is already the reason he is staying.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just the opposite, I am facing reality. As much as it sucks, it is true. Do I know I deserve someone who truly loves me? Yes I know that, but sadly those are not the cards I was dealt.

 

 

So what are my options? I don't want to/can't do this thing called life by myself. I love my WH for helping me and being the father of my kids. I am not so delusional that I believe I could never move on and find "someone", but that puts me back to square one. I do not want my children with the OW, and the famous saying here is trust your gut. Well my gut is telling me that they are still talking, if not seeing each other, and that they WILL be together. So where does that leave me??? I do not want HER around my kids!!! I may be weak with a lot of things, but not with my kids.

 

 

This is bananas. You are manipulating your M by guilting your H into caring for your health issues. Get a nurse, home care attendant or family member. Is your illness terminal? Why is your H obligated to stay?

 

I couldn't live like that. You sound like you are watching your own life from the outside and speaking in the third person. Wake up and get a grip and D your H. This M is not a good one. You aren't together for the right reasons. No one should use their kids as an excuse. You say they would be happy...then let them be. Why are you making it difficult when you know your H hasn't committed to you 100%.

 

These posts don't make sense. You know what's wrong. Fix it.

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Hope Shimmers
Whatever it takes. Send him to her....tell him you've met someone online and want to pursue it....he's free to be with her, you'd never stand in the way of true love....if he could still help with the kids and the house, that would be great as your online guy lives on the other side of the planet....blah...blah...blah...

 

I give it six months tops.

 

they have created a scenario with your illness as the major excuse. remove it.

He still may do as much; she may not really want him, but REMOVE your illness as the tragic reason why they cannot be together.

 

I double dare you.

 

What is the worst that could happen? the DO wind up together but he still remains a devoted father and a helpful xspouse.

 

You wind up with your self-respect.

 

Yes!!!!

 

longjourney, take this advice. Tell your H that you've met someone else that you want to be with. Send him to the OW with good wishes. I would bet he would be so shocked at your strength and apparent non-need of him that he would have trouble not falling over!

 

And, I guarantee that he will see you in a new light... as a strong women who DOES NOT "NEED" HIM... which will scare the crap out of him, confuse him, make him wonder about you, and ultimately, make him not very happy that you don't need him anymore and have "met someone else".

 

And let him live this little fantasy that apparently is in his head. Get it over with. Spark gives it six months... I would vote for less... maybe three months, tops.

 

Really, what do you have to lose? You need to change the dynamic to one where YOU are in control instead of him.

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You ask for help from friends, family members, neighbours. You can do this alone, be with your kids. Your H staying with you out of pity/obligation and not feeling in love with you is more damaging than if he leaves. You'll feel alone and lonely being in this marriage.

 

The OW doesn't have to be around your kids, not for a long time.

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Hey, wait a minute. Are you guys telling her to manipulate him into seeing her differently by lying to him? I can't go along with the lying and doubt if she could bring it off either. Lying? For real?

 

But maybe you could find someone that way. Why make it a ruse? Just do it. Probably do you worlds of good. Can't see that loyalty to him should stop it anyway, and online is a great idea. Why not? It would REALLY take your mind off him... and them.

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