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Sister brother relationship possible between affair partners?


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Old 1st November 2014, 5:20 AM   #1
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Sister brother relationship possible between affair partners?

I've had an on-line EA with my AP (who is single ) for about 10 months, and now my AP and I know it is best that we should end the relationship due to our guilts and shame. He is supportive of me that I should go back to my husband.

Logically, I know the best thing to do is NC. But both my AP (now ex) & I just couldn't cut all ties because we still treasure this emotional connection between us. I had been trying to do the NC for 3 rounds (during this past 3 months) already. But each time, within 2 to 4 days, we are back in chatting (via texts & calls) again.

My ideal plan is perhaps we can do NC until I am fully (emotionally 100%) getting back to my marriage & my husband. After that, my ex-AP and I can be like a sister/brother type of relationship in the future.

I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage?

Last edited by PinkJade; 1st November 2014 at 5:23 AM..
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Old 1st November 2014, 5:26 AM   #2
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Ask your husband, if he wants your ex AP around? Or are you going to keep your new "brother' a secret, just like you kept the EA secret? See where this is leading? Perhaps it would be better if you would spend more time repairing your marriage, instead of trying to find excuses to keep the AP in your life.

Last edited by JustJoe; 1st November 2014 at 5:28 AM..
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Old 1st November 2014, 5:33 AM   #3
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As a fWS, I have to say that this would be so wrong. It is still lying to your husband. It is still disrespecting your husband. It is still a betrayal. It is still eating cake.


No. You can never be friends with this man. The fact that you are trying to hold on to this OM through a friendship should tell you (it tells us for sure) that you have not really ended the affair.

Edit: I still work with the exOM and the way I manage that is by not having any personal interaction at all with him. We talk work but NEVER personal, not even "harmless" chit chat. If my husband ever thought for one moment that the exOM and I were friends then he would quite rightly end the marriage.
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Old 1st November 2014, 5:45 AM   #4
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Thank you JustJoe for your quick response. I know I have been struggling with the same questions you posted here.

My ex-AP & I know we won't cross the line in the future. The relationship between us will be strictly platonic. Now he also understand we need to be strictly NC until I emotionally (full 100%) getting back to my H.

It is not I'm trying to keep my AP around. It is just being a single child growing up I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone.
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Old 1st November 2014, 5:50 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by anne1707 View Post
As a fWS, I have to say that this would be so wrong. It is still lying to your husband. It is still disrespecting your husband. It is still a betrayal. It is still eating cake.


No. You can never be friends with this man. The fact that you are trying to hold on to this OM through a friendship should tell you (it tells us for sure) that you have not really ended the affair.

Edit: I still work with the exOM and the way I manage that is by not having any personal interaction at all with him. We talk work but NEVER personal, not even "harmless" chit chat. If my husband ever thought for one moment that the exOM and I were friends then he would quite rightly end the marriage.
May I ask what is fWs?
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Old 1st November 2014, 5:53 AM   #6
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Former wayward spouse. I.e. I had an affair just as you are having an affair now.
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Old 1st November 2014, 6:00 AM   #7
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Former wayward spouse. I.e. I had an affair just as you are having an affair now.
Thanks for the "tough love" message. May I ask how long did it take you fully to get back to your husband?

How long was your NC to get to your stage now?
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Old 1st November 2014, 6:08 AM   #8
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Mine was a full 3 year affair and my husband knows as I disclosed.it took a very long time to get where we are now. It was made harder because of working with the exOM. It meant that when my focus should have been on my marriage, it was far too often still on the exOM. It was a huge turning point for me when I stopped myself doing that and that was when the real progress on reconciling the marriage started.

I know you think you can be friends with this man but I know the lies a WS will tell themselves in order to have an affair. Stop lying to yourself about what you want from this "friendship"
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Old 1st November 2014, 6:39 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by PinkJade View Post
I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage?
Something like an undercover brother? I'm going to guess the answer is no. Maybe stop watching Game of Thrones for a bit.

Seriously... anyone you might possibly want to have sex with can't qualify as a sibling.
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Old 1st November 2014, 6:54 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by anne1707 View Post
Mine was a full 3 year affair and my husband knows as I disclosed.it took a very long time to get where we are now. It was made harder because of working with the exOM. It meant that when my focus should have been on my marriage, it was far too often still on the exOM. It was a huge turning point for me when I stopped myself doing that and that was when the real progress on reconciling the marriage started.

I know you think you can be friends with this man but I know the lies a WS will tell themselves in order to have an affair. Stop lying to yourself about what you want from this "friendship"
I totally understand what you are writing here. I whole-heartily appreciate your moral support helping me opening my eyes to reality.

I want to move on & break away from the affair & the emotional turmoil associate with it. So does my exAP.

My current main struggle is
Being a single child growing up, I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone. So a part of my brain is telling me perhaps this brotherly relationship might ease that "dying alone" fear.

Isn't in order to move on, we have to acknowledge our feelings first?

That fear of dying alone is also a feeling that I cannot ignore. I understand it is a underline unresolved problem I need individual counseling to deal with. But is that wrong having a platonic brotherly friendship after a totally-done-affair?
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Old 1st November 2014, 7:27 AM   #11
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Something like an undercover brother? I'm going to guess the answer is no. Maybe stop watching Game of Thrones for a bit.

Seriously... anyone you might possibly want to have sex with can't qualify as a sibling.
I appreciate your input here. I haven't watched a single episode of Game of Thrones so my idea is not from there. Lol

I know you used "possibly want to have sex" here. But TBH, this affair (A) is strictly emotional. I haven't even met my Ex-AP in person. This A was strictly an on-line EA. Both of us didn't and still don't even want any physical contact because we intent to keep the relationship platonic.
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Old 1st November 2014, 8:13 AM   #12
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You say you don't want to die alone hence this I is your excuse to continue a relationship with someone you have never met and say you never intend to meet. Can you see how ridiculous this sounds?

If you are after building friendships because you are lonely then build those friendships with people who you can meet and also not have to hide the relationships from your husband.

Even better, build your relationship with your husband. Tell him you worry about being alone. See what you can do together to make your marriage stronger.


Just to add: if you have to not meet in order to keep the relationship platonic then that says it all really. You want to have sex with this man and the only way you can stop that happening is by not meeting him.
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Old 1st November 2014, 8:43 AM   #13
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"You say you don't want to die alone hence this I is your excuse to continue a relationship with someone you have never met and say you never intend to meet. Can you see how ridiculous this sounds?" - Anne1707

I might sound a bit innocent, but please don't shred on me. Both my ex-AP and I have agreed we will ONLY meet after I fully reconcile my feeling with my husband. I know my priority now is getting back to my H. That's why I broke off this Affair & my ex supports me in this too.

Our EA was 10 months. So perhaps it takes the same amount of time for NC, or longer, like 1 year, 2 years, however long it takes for me to be 100% getting back emotionally strong w/ my husband.
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Old 1st November 2014, 8:46 AM   #14
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So you DO plan to meet? It gets worse. You are justifying actions which you know are wrong.

Talk to your husband!
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Old 1st November 2014, 9:08 AM   #15
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Just to add: if you have to not meet in order to keep the relationship platonic then that says it all really. You want to have sex with this man and the only way you can stop that happening is by not meeting him.[/QUOTE]

Both of us don't want sex. It might sound strange to most of the people here. But really, we never had, have and will want sex in this relationship. I don't know how to explain this. Really, this was an emotional affair only. We both have the mindset of Plato - straightly platonic.

The not meet-up is not to prevent any sexual act; rather, I want to focus my energy getting back to my husband.

My question posted here is just for the future, perhaps a far future.
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