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I feel like I'm cheating


cjuarez1991

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I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years now married 1 1/2. Throughout those years we have had so many fights and been on the verge of leaving each other to this day. I feel as he does not appreciate me. He never tells me I'm beautiful, buys me flowers randomly. I have come to grips with the fact he does not have one single romantic bone in his body so I've given up on that part; but it still feels as if he never notices me or anything he is always to busy watching tv on his phone or watching football. I started a job at a breakfast restaurant about 2 months ago. It's right on the highway and next to a big gas station which means a lot of oilfield guys and truck drivers come through; well last Friday 2 guys came in I cashed them out and they sat down to eat and I made convo with them. These guys had been there 2weeks before and I had told my co worker that I thought he was very attractive I feel this is why I tried to make convo with them bc I was attracted to one of them. Well my co worker was watching us while I was talking to them and when they left he (my co worker) started laughing and said "omg that guy was so into you I almost had to tell him if he needed a napkin for all that slobber" which I did see him paying so much attention to me and staring at me a lot. This made me feel good about myself like wow someone actually might have been attracted to me and actually was interested in something I was saying it made me feel good about myself. niw this whole past week I have been so excited to go to work in hopes he would come again the week went by and nothing the only one who came in was his friend who was with him before. I had high hopes he would come in today seeing as both times he has come in have been on Fridays but nothing . I know it's wrong but I'm pretty upset he didn't come in and feeling very down, I shouldn't care bc I am married but I can't help it. Should I be feeling guilty or is this ok. I feel as if he I am cheating maybe not physically but mentally maybe. I feel like if this guy was interested it would be hard to turn him down. Maybe it's bec my husband pays little to no attention to me idk but I know this is wrong. Any opinions suggestions welcome thank you

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Okay I have to ask, why did you marry your husband if you were always fighting with him? Now with the guy that is flirting with you I can see what is going on. He is giving you something that you lack in your marriage. I mean after all your a woman and women like to feel wanted. The good thing is that going by what you have wrote you have not done anything I would say is wrong. Truthfully the fact that you feel guilty about this situation is a good sign.

 

So let's handle first thing first, that is do not cheat. You already know your getting into the dangers zone on this so back out of it now before you hurt yourself or anyone else. Now with your husband you may want to try to sit down and express some of these things to him. I mean just be blunt and say that your not feeling like your wanted or attractive to him. Opening up communication will help you two out a lot. When you do try and talk with him try to use a soft approach to it. I mean let him know about your concerns then ask him what his are. Let him know that he is important to you. If you find that talking with your husband is not working out so well, back off, don't argue or fight with him about it. Instead wait for a while then bring up marriage counseling to him. Often times a third party can help to open up this line of communication between you two. If you can, offer to pay half the cost of this. Sometimes a local church will offer these services pretty cheap.

 

I will tell you that I have read a lot of women's stories on here that start out just like yours. The only difference is that they usually post after they have already cheated and are trying to figure out how to help their husband cope with it. Read some of the stories on here and you will see just how much damage cheating will cause. Here is a rant that I wrote about what cheating does at least on a man's perspective.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

You are smart and have done the right thing, you looked for help before actually cheating. Keep doing that and try to patch it up with your husband. If you feel that you cannot, then file for a divorce. At least you can say that you did your best. I do wish you the best of luck. I wish more people were smart like you and looked for help before cheating.

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You need to take this very seriously. Your marriage is in crisis. You are ripe for the Pickens for infidelity.

 

You may have a legitimate grievance with your husband but if you cheat the blood and dirt will be on your hands.

 

You are within your right to want more out of life and marriage. You are within your right to light a fire under his ass and to get with the program. And you are even within your right to give him an ultimatum that he either step up to the plate or you will leave or get it elsewhere.

 

But you are obligated to inform him until he fully understands how dissatisfied you are and what the current stakes of the situation are. He needs to understand that you have been neglected to the point you are licking your chops over roughnecks.

 

If he is fully informed and still chooses to do nothing, then it's on him as far as I'm concerned (others will disagree) but you are obligated to inform him of where things stand with you.

 

Girl hints don't count. You have to make him understand.

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TrustedthenBusted

Tell your husband EXACTLY how you feel. Up to, and including the fact that you are even finding yourself feeling susceptible to attention from other men.

 

When I found a slightly forward email between my wife and another guy, I confronter her, and she told me exactly how she was feeling, and even feeling tempted to seek attention elsewhere. I was shocked and upset, but glad she told me that, and I took immediate steps to remedy the situation.

 

A few days later, I found out she had been in an affair already for two months, and then it all went to hell.

 

But the point is, when she told me how she was feeling, I reacted appropriately. So BEFORE you lie and cheat and tarnish the rest of your life... communicate.

 

YOu have to at least give that a chance first. Ask any wayward and they will tell you that if they didn't give openness a try, they regret it.

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I agree you should tell him. Maybe say, "a couple of guys came in and complimented me, it felt nice to be told I was beautiful. I just wish you would do it more often"

 

I think maybe in marriage we get upset about one thing, but pick fights about a totally different subject because we don't always feel comfortable with our true feelings. The problem is the spouse can't read our minds.

 

To this point I don't really see where you've done anything wrong. If you start doing things with the intent of being closer to this guy that's where you start to enter the grey zone. Soon following that will be exchanging numbers, then secret communications right into emotional and physical cheating. Then its too late, now isn't too late.

 

Give your husband a chance to fix it, if he can't or won't meet your expectations you have to be brave enough to walk away. But please do so with bringing another man into the picture. This way, if you have to walk away you do so guilt free, and without bringing unneeded havoc into your life.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. I will do my best to talk to him about this. Usually when we talk about it everything goes wrong and we end up fighting. His usual response is that I'm too needy or that we have the rest of our lives for that . It has been hard but i trust we will get through this

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His usual response is that I'm too needy or that we have the rest of our lives for that . It has been hard but i trust we will get through this

I'm sorry..."the rest of your lives" for what? This IS the rest of your life, and his life, and your lives!

His response makes no sense (to me). Does it make any sense, to you? Do NOT let him shame and silence you with some absolutely ridiculous accusation of you being "too needy" or "too" anything or "not enough" of anything.

 

This is how it happens where one spouse (woman or man) is not living up to explicit and, more importantly, implicit vows and promises and reasonable expectations, and gets all "blown away" and "blindsided" when the other wants a divorce or, egads, ends up cheating.

 

There is no miracle to "get through this". It needs effort and caring and interest on BOTH sides. Your H is NOT making a full contribution, NOT pulling his share of the load. OF COURSE the attention, however artificial or sex-based, of others will feel welcome and self-affirming. Why on earth would it NOT do that???

 

Your H is going to be all over you when you end up leaving him, or when you end up having an affair. Keep the 'permalink' to your post handy so, at that time, you can show him exactly how he actually did play a significant part in either of those scenarios...and how he had full power and control -- ALL the power and control -- to prevent either one of them playing out. But he's not doing that, and he is going to blame you for his lack of doing that.

 

Hugs and best.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. I will do my best to talk to him about this. Usually when we talk about it everything goes wrong and we end up fighting. His usual response is that I'm too needy or that we have the rest of our lives for that . It has been hard but i trust we will get through this

 

Life is short. Everybody should know this even more so since 9/11. Just turn on the news you see people getting killed by drunk drivers, distracted/texting drivers, shot, knifed, you name it. Live for today and make the best of it, don't wait 'we have the rest of our lives.' MAKE your husband understand that he has to show you more love and attention. That you married him for a reason and that if he can't spend time with you and have fun, be a great husband, then maybe you two should divorce.

 

He sounds stubborn and stuck in his ways! The thing is, he's comfortable. Deep down you know he loves you. You know him and obviously knew from the get-go he wasn't a deep romantic guy so don't expect that from him. Look for other ways he shows you love. It may not be delivered the way you want it to be, but it's there.

 

Be honest and tell him that you were/are *this close* to having an affair. THAT will get his attention.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. I will do my best to talk to him about this. Usually when we talk about it everything goes wrong and we end up fighting. His usual response is that I'm too needy or that we have the rest of our lives for that . It has been hard but i trust we will get through this

 

When people say someone is being 'needy' it usually means that they do not want to be bothered to meet their needs.

 

Well guess what, we all have needs and we will all eventually strive to get those needs met. What this is all going to boil down to is you are going to get your needs met one way or another and you can give him the option of stepping up to the plate and trying to meet them himself or he get left along side the road and let someone else do it.

 

As far as, "we have the rest of our live....." That is the lamest one I've heard yet. I say ask for the exact day and time that the rest of your lives start. Mark it on the calendar if you and have your bags packed and by the door the night before in case he drops the ball on that one too.

 

Ronni W was on the money THIS is the rest of your life. Right here, right now is your life. Does he think he is going to wake up as Mr Attentive and Mr Romantic on Tuesday the 27th????

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Here is some news that you aren't going to like. You seem like someone that doesn't like to rock the boat or upset people and aren't really comfortable stating your needs and then holding people to it.

 

The bad news here is he doesn't "hear" you. You may have hinted or have mentioned what you need out of the marriage but it didn't sink in to him. To him it was just whining and background noise. He's not taking it seriously.

 

To get him to to really listen to you and get him to take you seriously, you are basically going to have to blow something up (figuratively speaking). You are going to have to shake up his whole world and destabilize his sense of security.

 

Right now he think you are basically an adjunct to his life that he care treat however he wants and he has complete security that no matter how he treats you, you are going to be there and won't rock the boat.

 

In order to get his attention you are going to have to rock the boat. You are going to have to make him experience first hand how serious you are.

 

In your case it's probably going to take coming home and finding you moved out with divorce papers sitting on the table for him to sign before his fog clears and he realizes what's really happening.

 

Where I'd recommend to start is packing some bags and moving in with a friend or relative and when he calls give him the option of meeting with a therapist and starting therapy in good faith and actually listening to you and taking you seriously, or getting a divorce so you can move on and find someone that actually cares about you.

 

The catch to all of this is has to be for real, it can't just be a threat or manipulation. You have to be ready, willing and able to actually follow through with it or it will all mean nothing. If he calls your bluff and you don't follow through, you will be his bitch and he will own you and his treatment of you will get WORSE.

 

This is a bad situation here and you need to take it seriously and your primary task at this point is to get him to take it seriously. A simple, "Honey, we need to talk.." Is not going to be any more affective today than what it has been in the past. Something is going to have to get blown up before he takes notice.

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(Side bar note for other posters: notice how shook up she is and how excited she is about a truck driver that winked at her in a diner. Hear in her voice how dissatisfied she is and how frustrated and dissatisfied with her husband she is. Notice how near the end of her rope she is.

 

Now keep in mind this is just from a truck driver winking at her in a diner. Imagine what her state of mind would be if said truck driver had her ankles behind her ears slapping her in the ass with his nut sack and whispering all the wonderful things he's going to give her and all the wonderful things they are going to do together if she would just forget about her husband and focus all her sexual energies on him.

 

This why when guys find out about their wives meeting with other men it is an extremely LATE SIGN and things are usually too far gone to fix.

 

The sudden shock and horror of getting caught will often make thempromise to end the affair and work on the M but you can see how far gone they are at that point. They may try to keep their body in the marriage but their heart and jay-jay have left the building.

 

This is why whenever someone posts about a recent change in behavior, many of us automatically advise to look for a 3rd party. 9 times out of 10 there is one and if it can be caught in the caught before the declaration of feelings stage, it might be able to be fixed.

 

But if it isn't caught until after the sex and orgasms stage, it will more often than not be unfixable even if people to to work on it for a year or two. )

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Hi cjuarez, I don't get it! From what you have written about your marriage and your husband both seem toxic to me. You have barely been married for a year and a half and if this is how things are then you are going to be in trouble over the long haul. How can you build a happy married life if your husband behaves with you the way he does. You had ample warning before you got married as, if both of you were constantly fighting, during the period you dated, then the red flags should have been waving wildly. What were you thinking? That things would smoothen out once you got married and your husband would magically turn over a new leaf and become caring and loving towards you.

 

You are at a crossroads at this point of your life. The very fact that another man's attention gives you such a thrill and gives you a warm feeling inside while leaving you anxious about when you are going to run onto him again is an indication that you are treading on a mine field. Proceed at your peril. What you can do is sit your husband down and lay down your cards in front of him. He either makes an effort to acknowledge you or he gives you your freedom and you walk out free from a very toxic relationship. If you stick to the path you are on you your world will blow up in your face. Also there should be a finite timeline for your husband to take action in the matter. I would also suggest that you introspect deeply as to whether there is anything wrong with you that is causing your husband to behave in this way. That will give you insight into your relationship overall.

 

So think about it and make your decision in a carefully calculated manner for your own good. Remember in this matter you and your happiness come first! Cheers!

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Your intention is to see/interact with the stranger dude.

 

Since your relationship with your husband is in satisfying you are looking for something else that's a better match for you. A man who will listen to you and pay attention to you so that you feel important or "loved".

 

 

Why not end the M first? You state it's not working. End it first before starting anything else. Proper order is key. It eliminates pain to self and others.

 

It "looks like" the M is over and has been for a while so end it.

 

Then you are free to do whatever you wish.

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