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girlfriend accused me of seeing someone else


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I've documented my issues with her on these forums for over a year now. I feel like I'm in hs again with the way she acts sometimes. Real quick we have been dating almost 5 years and living together over two years now. She is also 14 years older than me.

 

Long story short last Sat night my gf and her family had planned to visit and local Halloween scare attraction. Last min she backed out and decided she didn't want to go as she'd been there before but I hadn't so I still went. Her family backed out too since she wasn't going. I actually ended up going with some people from work.

 

A few days pass and all was good. I get a call on Tues from my boss asking me to work late this upcoming sat night. When I tell my gf I'm working late this sat she gets upset tells me I'm acting weird and accuses me of seeing someone since it will be two sat in a row. We got into screaming match as a result.

 

Told her if she doesn't belive me she's more than welcome to call my work or bring me dinner.

 

Also told her I'm not putting up with this nonsense and asked her honestly how do I have time to see someone else when I'm always with you. I blatantly told her she's either guilty of something herself hence the accusations or she's Insecure withe the age difference, or she's self destructing the relationship. She denied all of the above and ended her side of the conversation with simply saying "I have a feeling you are seeing someone".

 

This of course is untrue and nor do I intend on seeing any won else, but if this continues I will be leaving.

 

I strongly believe she is guilty of something. I don't think she is cheating on me but maybe is thinking about it? If she is cheating on me it can only be at work she doesn't have time otherwise. She does have a cheating past but not with me but her ex husband (twice)

 

What do you guys make of all this?

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ALWAYS...TRUST...YOUR...INSTINCTS!!!

 

Her being mistrustful for no reason is a sign of both emotional abuse and/or a guilty conscience.

 

 

14 years your senior and she still acts like a 17 year old?

 

 

You're right to think something's fishy...

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TrustedthenBusted

Not enough to go on. But I can tell you the " she isn't cheating because she doesn't have time" line of thinking will get you in trouble.

 

Cheaters always find the time.

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ALWAYS...TRUST...YOUR...INSTINCTS!!!

 

Her being mistrustful for no reason is a sign of both emotional abuse and/or a guilty conscience.

 

 

14 years your senior and she still acts like a 17 year old?

 

 

You're right to think something's fishy...

 

If this were true then his gf would be right about him. Instincts can be rubbish. Some people just knew their partner was cheating and they were right. Others just knew their partner was cheating and they were wrong. Insecurities and jealousy can skewer things just looking bad even can. Her accusing him is such a cliche way that most cheaters do NOT do that. Mostly girls though. If someone does accuse while cheating it is usually the male.

 

Sounds more to me that she as a former cheater knows what people can be capable of and that has made her insecure. And this can be so hard to live with. I would suggest she be given the choice to get into IC and MC and work on her issues or there is the door. Because the paranoia will only get worse. Specially if she goes online an is told to "trust her gut".

 

Are there any other signs she might be cheating? Because sadly anyone of us could be married to a cheater and just not know.

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If this were true then his gf would be right about him. Instincts can be rubbish. Some people just knew their partner was cheating and they were right. Others just knew their partner was cheating and they were wrong. Insecurities and jealousy can skewer things just looking bad even can. Her accusing him is such a cliche way that most cheaters do NOT do that. Mostly girls though. If someone does accuse while cheating it is usually the male.

 

Sounds more to me that she as a former cheater knows what people can be capable of and that has made her insecure. And this can be so hard to live with. I would suggest she be given the choice to get into IC and MC and work on her issues or there is the door. Because the paranoia will only get worse. Specially if she goes online an is told to "trust her gut".

 

Are there any other signs she might be cheating? Because sadly anyone of us could be married to a cheater and just not know.

 

 

As the OP stated, he is NOT being unfaithful so I give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Insecurities and jealousy can skewer things, I agree, but then we've moved onto the emotionally abusive side of the conversation, which is why I posted both ideas.

 

 

I respectfully disagree with you about how 'most cheaters do NOT do that', in my experience, most DO. I've been in the OP's shoes before, been faithful but still accused. My gut told me something was rotten in Denmark. I trusted my instincts and I was right...YMMV

 

 

All I can draw from is personal experience here, please try not to generalize.

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Sounds more to me that she as a former cheater knows what people can be capable of and that has made her insecure.

 

 

a lot of truth to this. Only cheaters know how easy it is. Only cheaters know how little time it takes. No one that has ever cheated in the past will ever say - "he/she doesn't have time to cheat."

 

And this can be so hard to live with. I would suggest she be given the choice to get into IC and MC and work on her issues or there is the door. Because the paranoia will only get worse. Specially if she goes online an is told to "trust her gut".

 

probably a lot of truth to this as well. If she is already conjuring this up out of thin air, it can only get worse.

 

 

 

Are there any other signs she might be cheating? Because sadly anyone of us could be married to a cheater and just not know.

 

Responses above.

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Not enough to go on. But I can tell you the " she isn't cheating because she doesn't have time" line of thinking will get you in trouble.

 

Cheaters always find the time.

 

Agreed. My H had his whole A during work time. Aside from one day they took off work he never met her outside of work, actually only on his lunch hour. They chatted during work hours but his phone was clean and he was always where he should be outside of work hours.

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Redheaded Mistress
I strongly believe she is guilty of something. I don't think she is cheating on me but maybe is thinking about it? If she is cheating on me it can only be at work she doesn't have time otherwise. She does have a cheating past but not with me but her ex husband (twice)

 

What do you guys make of all this?

 

I think you are accusing her exactly what she accused of and got upset over. Just like you got upset about being accused of things, she got upset. Seems logical to me.

 

I also think you guys need to work on your communication and trust issues.

 

Also told her I'm not putting up with this nonsense and asked her honestly how do I have time to see someone else when I'm always with you. I blatantly told her she's either guilty of something herself hence the accusations or she's Insecure withe the age difference, or she's self destructing the relationship. She denied all of the above and ended her side of the conversation with simply saying "I have a feeling you are seeing someone".

 

This of course is untrue and nor do I intend on seeing any won else, but if this continues I will be leaving.

 

All of the above does more to fuel her suspicions, not fix them. Perhaps the better solution would have been to discuss with her why she feels like she does, as opposed to denying if feebly and then accusing her of things. It kind of makes you look guilty.

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I do realize some people accuse. Usually a guilty conscience are a secret wish. But to say most is misleading because most don't. It only talea a trip to a support website for active cheaters or a visit to a place such as AM to realize that most cheaters know how not to get caught and sadly, never are.

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ALWAYS...TRUST...YOUR...INSTINCTS!!!

 

Her being mistrustful for no reason is a sign of both emotional abuse and/or a guilty conscience.

 

 

14 years your senior and she still acts like a 17 year old?

 

 

You're right to think something's fishy...

 

I'm only aware of physical abuse from her first husband. He was both an alcoholic and drug user. She was not aware of this behavior until after they married.

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I also think you guys need to work on your communication and trust issues.

 

Without a doubt.

 

We got into screaming match as a result.

 

Hopefully it was only her screaming as remaining calm gives you much more credibility.

 

That you've been documenting similar issues with her here for over a year now makes me wonder why you're still there :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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If this were true then his gf would be right about him. Instincts can be rubbish. Some people just knew their partner was cheating and they were right. Others just knew their partner was cheating and they were wrong. Insecurities and jealousy can skewer things just looking bad even can. Her accusing him is such a cliche way that most cheaters do NOT do that. Mostly girls though. If someone does accuse while cheating it is usually the male.

 

Sounds more to me that she as a former cheater knows what people can be capable of and that has made her insecure. And this can be so hard to live with. I would suggest she be given the choice to get into IC and MC and work on her issues or there is the door. Because the paranoia will only get worse. Specially if she goes online an is told to "trust her gut".

 

Are there any other signs she might be cheating? Because sadly anyone of us could be married to a cheater and just not know.

 

No, as I've said in my first post I don't think she is cheating. I suspected she may have cheated two years ago but I have zero proof and she refuses to talk about what happen that night. She does make comments about cheating and when I question why she would make such comments, I get "I was only joking". Based on her history I don't find it funny and she is well aware that I don't find those comments funny.

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I think you are accusing her exactly what she accused of and got upset over. Just like you got upset about being accused of things, she got upset. Seems logical to me.

 

I also think you guys need to work on your communication and trust issues.

 

 

 

All of the above does more to fuel her suspicions, not fix them. Perhaps the better solution would have been to discuss with her why she feels like she does, as opposed to denying if feebly and then accusing her of things. It kind of makes you look guilty.

 

I'm actually not accusing her but I did question why she would say such a thing. In my experience the accusers are the guilty ones(not always). I merely gave my opinions and asked for feed back.

 

But I do agree on the communication thing. This wasn't the first time I was accused of cheating ect...When I questioned her the other night on why she thinks I'm seeing someone else I got "it's just a feeling I have". She refused to elaborate any further. In the past I got similar responses, she normally shut's down, puts a wall up and refuses to communicate with me.

 

When I first me her she was upfront but saying she "trust no one".

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Without a doubt.

 

 

 

Hopefully it was only her screaming as remaining calm gives you much more credibility.

 

That you've been documenting similar issues with her here for over a year now makes me wonder why you're still there :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I saw red flags from the beginning. Sadly I felt bad for her and her past and tried helping her. I know deep down she is the way she is due to her abusive ex husband. However she refuses to believe that and says she healed from the abuse a long time ago. I don't see it, nor do I believe it.

 

Above all...I love her and this is why I have stayed in the relationship. I'm beginning to realize this is who she is and won't ever change. She guilt's me into believing I'm the cause of the problems. She constantly plays the victim roll and twist every little thing into making it look likes its me.

 

With that said, my gut tells me she is guilty of something, I just don't know what. Or she is trying to destroy the relationship by pushing me away.(it's working)

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Redheaded Mistress
I'm actually not accusing her but I did question why she would say such a thing. In my experience the accusers are the guilty ones(not always). I merely gave my opinions and asked for feed back.

 

In short, she asked you a "question," and you got upset. You turned it around and did the same thing to her, now you can't figure out why she's upset.

 

But I do agree on the communication thing. This wasn't the first time I was accused of cheating ect...When I questioned her the other night on why she thinks I'm seeing someone else I got "it's just a feeling I have". She refused to elaborate any further. In the past I got similar responses, she normally shut's down, puts a wall up and refuses to communicate with me.

 

When I first me her she was upfront but saying she "trust no one".

 

I wasn't saying she needs to work on her communication. I said both of you do. You're just as awful a communicator as she is, perhaps even worse.

 

You're fantastic at taking inventory on all she's doing wrong, all she does to make things difficult, all her shortcomings... Perhaps it's time to put away that list you've got on her and address some of the issues you play a part in.

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If you want to dispel her fears, embrace transparency. I'd suggest something like this,

 

"Look, I hear that your gut says I'm cheating. From here on out, my life is an open book to you. You can dig through my phone, research my laptop up and down, put voice activated recorders wherever you like, GPS my phone and car, visit me at work, ask me to take a photo of where I am, or whatever else you need. Here's all the passwords I have for everything. When you investigate and find nothing, we both win. I want you to feel secure in this relationship and I'm willing to be as transparent as possible to make it happen."

 

But then you also get her to agree that if she does this for x months and finds nothing, she also agrees to counseling whether it be individual or for couples to acknowledge and work through her trust issues because the status quo is not working for you.

 

I also agree with those that say unfounded accusations are a commonly an indicator that it's actually the accuser that's doing the cheating. Classic projection. It's a common rationalization for cheaters as well, "My partner is probably cheating on me anyway" so they don't have to feel so bad about their own behavior. That said, I also agree that it could just be that she just has a history of being a cheater and that's why she trusts no one.

 

As for having time for an affair, the workplace provides plenty. My wife had about 70 mid-day hotel stays with her OM over the course of a year. They were mid to upper level managers and had freedom for off-property lunches and meetings. They had sex in my house when I was out of town on business and managed to squeeze in a threesome with a prostitute, too (still don't knkw when that one happened). Other than some long work hours (common for her job), I had no chance to suspect anything. Even the frequency of sex with me increased during her affair.

 

For those that scoff at "trust your gut" I think they're missing that the point is to trust your gut enough to investigate. No one has implied that you should toss a relationship just because of a gut instinct. But many, many times that gut instinct is right; it's often enough to merit investigating. And by investigating, you'll either find an affair (which is a helpful thing to know about) or you'll find nothing (which again means that you both win).

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In short, she asked you a "question," and you got upset. You turned it around and did the same thing to her, now you can't figure out why she's upset.

 

 

 

I wasn't saying she needs to work on her communication. I said both of you do. You're just as awful a communicator as she is, perhaps even worse.

 

You're fantastic at taking inventory on all she's doing wrong, all she does to make things difficult, all her shortcomings... Perhaps it's time to put away that list you've got on her and address some of the issues you play a part in.

 

How so? I was the one who opened up the conversation. I asked her to tell me why she feels that why, as I said above.

 

What issues would that be? I'm not perfect in this relationship but I certainly don't cause these issues. If anything I go out of my way for her not to feel this way. You have no justified reason to believe I'm causing these issues or partial.

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If you want to dispel her fears, embrace transparency. I'd suggest something like this,

 

"Look, I hear that your gut says I'm cheating. From here on out, my life is an open book to you. You can dig through my phone, research my laptop up and down, put voice activated recorders wherever you like, GPS my phone and car, visit me at work, ask me to take a photo of where I am, or whatever else you need. Here's all the passwords I have for everything. When you investigate and find nothing, we both win. I want you to feel secure in this relationship and I'm willing to be as transparent as possible to make it happen."

 

But then you also get her to agree that if she does this for x months and finds nothing, she also agrees to counseling whether it be individual or for couples to acknowledge and work through her trust issues because the status quo is not working for you.

 

I also agree with those that say unfounded accusations are a commonly an indicator that it's actually the accuser that's doing the cheating. Classic projection. It's a common rationalization for cheaters as well, "My partner is probably cheating on me anyway" so they don't have to feel so bad about their own behavior. That said, I also agree that it could just be that she just has a history of being a cheater and that's why she trusts no one.

 

As for having time for an affair, the workplace provides plenty. My wife had about 70 mid-day hotel stays with her OM over the course of a year. They were mid to upper level managers and had freedom for off-property lunches and meetings. They had sex in my house when I was out of town on business and managed to squeeze in a threesome with a prostitute, too (still don't knkw when that one happened). Other than some long work hours (common for her job), I had no chance to suspect anything. Even the frequency of sex with me increased during her affair.

 

For those that scoff at "trust your gut" I think they're missing that the point is to trust your gut enough to investigate. No one has implied that you should toss a relationship just because of a gut instinct. But many, many times that gut instinct is right; it's often enough to merit investigating. And by investigating, you'll either find an affair (which is a helpful thing to know about) or you'll find nothing (which again means that you both win).

 

Since we moved in together my life has been completely transparent. She has access to everything in my life except my bank account. She even has access to my phone records. At this point I don't have anything else to show her I'm doing no wrong.

 

I walk on egg shells with her on a regular basis. I'm always waiting to be accused of something next. I work in Phil and god forbid I'm late coming home from work due to traffic...I'm accused of having a drink with someone. I have no life because I try to make her happy. I no longer see friends or family because of her trust issues...

 

She refuses to seek help and at this point I don't think I can remain in his relationship. I'ts not healthy and I no longer get anything out of it.

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Since we moved in together my life has been completely transparent. She has access to everything in my life except my bank account. She even has access to my phone records. At this point I don't have anything else to show her I'm doing no wrong.

 

I walk on egg shells with her on a regular basis. I'm always waiting to be accused of something next. I work in Phil and god forbid I'm late coming home from work due to traffic...I'm accused of having a drink with someone. I have no life because I try to make her happy. I no longer see friends or family because of her trust issues...

 

She refuses to seek help and at this point I don't think I can remain in his relationship. I'ts not healthy and I no longer get anything out of it.

 

Well, it sounds like you're decided. And seeing that she's not a spouse to whom you've made lifetime vows, I don't see how anyone could blame you for moving on.

 

My guess is that it's just the logistics of living together that are slowing down this decision. It's not easy to break up with someone when you're both on a lease, share furniture, etc..

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DLM she could what's called "projecting"where she says you are cheating when it's actually her.

It happens often.

Agree, It happen to me, My wife is 9 years my senior @ 55yr, She nuked our family with her own insecurity. Divorced now, 18 days the aftermath. If you truly love her, keep your eyes and ears open. Trust yourself and your gut.

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Have you ever tried just sitting her down, and asking her directly if she was cheating? Watch her reaction, it'll tell the tale.

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I've been keeping an eye on her like a hawk lately. Phone, computer and car are all clean. I see nothing strange. The other day we met for lunch. Prior to meeting she sent me a strange text that really didn't make sense. When we did meet, I asked what was up with the strange text you sent me. Her eyebrows began to twitch and she looked nervous when I grabbed her phone to show her what she had sent.

 

 

 

Again, I don't think she is cheating. But I do think she is guilty of something.

 

Something hit me yesterday that I overlooked but doesn't mean anything is definite. Last year my gf started a new job and talked about her boss and stopped. She began mentioning this creepy guy who always starred at her. She would bring him up a few times a week for months. Eventually the stares led to him hitting on her, asking her out. One day he asked her to go for a ride in her car when she was leaving work for the day. He actually grabbed her keys and got into the driver seat. She made him get out and nothing happened any further that day. After that that incident she kept blowing her kisses and just asking her out on a daily basis. According to her, he is well aware she had a bf and would bring me up all the time. He would even come sit with her on her lunch break while we were talking on the phone...

 

She would complain about how annoying he was but didn't show me signs of doing anything to stop it. She even told me how she would egg him on like she enjoyed the attention. I told her she needs to speak up for herself or inform her manager so it stops.

 

About a month ago, she came home and told me how all of a sudden he stopped hitting on her when she apparently she told him I was a police officer so he backed off. She has only mentioned him once that I can remember since then. I thought this was fishy, but let it go till yesterday.

 

Lately she has also been very edgy. Picking fights for no reason, flat out lying and twisting my words ect...Last night we looked at a house her daughter is interesting in buying. So they wanted me to go look at it and tell them what I think of the property. The whole way home I gave my opinion on the place. When we got home, we still discussed the property over dinner and again after dinner while watching TV. We talked about different things good and bad with the property while I'm doing most of the talking. In a three hour period I must have given my opinion three times over and out of no where she say's "Your not serious!, you havn't said one word about this place!!".

 

I look at her like she has two heads and quickly remind her who just gave their opinion over the last three hours...this is a perfect example how she has been lately. It's impossible to have a conversation with her!

 

I will bring up one last thing that has always bothered me since the beginning of our relationship. My gf on occasion would joke about cheating. After a few times I questioned why she would make such comments and I'd always get " your too sensitive, I'm joking". I told her I don't find those types of jokes funny especially coming from someone with a cheating past.

 

This IMO does not mean she was, is or will cheat on me, but IMO takes cheating lightly and will prob not think twice about doing so. Would you agree?

Bolded is the biggest redflag of all!!!

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