Repeated Online Infidelity

[ajt4519]

I'll start off with a small history of our past. I've been with my fiancé now for a little over 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship, he struggled with a porn addiction even though we were very sexually active. This is when my self esteem began to take a large hit. I was young and it hurt to feel like I wasn't enough even though I felt as if I was giving him all that I could. Fast forward 3 years, and I had caught him lying to me time and time again about getting over his addiction but he failed many times. I eventually became okay with the idea of it because it didn't bother me as much because I think I was naive in the beginning to think he'd never watch it. Fast forward one more year, we are engaged and I thought heading in the right direction.. then 3 months later I find multiple online chat room accounts he had. He had been sexually talking to many random girls from all over the world. I felt my world shatter before my eyes. We had it out that night and he broke down mentally as well. At this point, I think he finally realized what was on the line. I decided to stick by his side as he attended therapy where it was discovered he does have a sexual addiction caused by a chemical in balance in his brain. He also downgraded all technology as to where he had no way of possibly messing up again. We survived this terrible terrible time and this past summer began planning our wedding. I eventually became comfortable again and allowed him to go back to a smartphone. Two days ago I found a random number on our bill and turns out it was a random girl he had met on some game on his phone. I talked to her myself and it turns out the conversation was sexual as well. I felt once again like my world had been shattered. He tried to deny it but the girl even sent me a screenshot of the conversation for crying out loud. He eventually gave in and told the truth. He clearly expects me to forgive him as I have so many times before but I'm so lost as to what to do. We've had our future planned for years, marriage and kids but all that seems like it just isn't possible anymore. We live together and I cannot financially support myself yet as I just graduated college recently. I love this man. When we're good, we're great but when is enough, enough?

 

I want to give him a chance but why should I? Our wedding is 9 months away and I'm ashamed to have even started planning a wedding when I knew this was possible again. Do I call off the wedding and move on, or try to help him with his issues? He claims to have only let this happen once since last year and I do believe him as I've been monitoring him since then. My self esteem is very minimal at this point. I feel as if I'm not enough for him and he has to go find that pleasure elsewhere. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I believe maybe he had a relapse on his addiction but am I enabling him by continuing the relationship? I'm lost and in love but stupid, right?

[jm2013]

I'll start off with a small history of our past. I've been with my fiancé now for a little over 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship, he struggled with a porn addiction even though we were very sexually active. This is when my self esteem began to take a large hit. I was young and it hurt to feel like I wasn't enough even though I felt as if I was giving him all that I could. Fast forward 3 years, and I had caught him lying to me time and time again about getting over his addiction but he failed many times. I eventually became okay with the idea of it because it didn't bother me as much because I think I was naive in the beginning to think he'd never watch it. Fast forward one more year, we are engaged and I thought heading in the right direction.. then 3 months later I find multiple online chat room accounts he had. He had been sexually talking to many random girls from all over the world. I felt my world shatter before my eyes. We had it out that night and he broke down mentally as well. At this point, I think he finally realized what was on the line. I decided to stick by his side as he attended therapy where it was discovered he does have a sexual addiction caused by a chemical in balance in his brain. He also downgraded all technology as to where he had no way of possibly messing up again. We survived this terrible terrible time and this past summer began planning our wedding. I eventually became comfortable again and allowed him to go back to a smartphone. Two days ago I found a random number on our bill and turns out it was a random girl he had met on some game on his phone. I talked to her myself and it turns out the conversation was sexual as well. I felt once again like my world had been shattered. He tried to deny it but the girl even sent me a screenshot of the conversation for crying out loud. He eventually gave in and told the truth. He clearly expects me to forgive him as I have so many times before but I'm so lost as to what to do. We've had our future planned for years, marriage and kids but all that seems like it just isn't possible anymore. We live together and I cannot financially support myself yet as I just graduated college recently. I love this man. When we're good, we're great but when is enough, enough?

 

I want to give him a chance but why should I? Our wedding is 9 months away and I'm ashamed to have even started planning a wedding when I knew this was possible again. Do I call off the wedding and move on, or try to help him with his issues? He claims to have only let this happen once since last year and I do believe him as I've been monitoring him since then. My self esteem is very minimal at this point. I feel as if I'm not enough for him and he has to go find that pleasure elsewhere. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I believe maybe he had a relapse on his addiction but am I enabling him by continuing the relationship? I'm lost and in love but stupid, right?

 

I'd take these as warnings as to what is about to come if you marry him. Take a step back and try to look into the future and if it sounds fitting to something you envision. You and your husband buy a new house, have kids then BAM. You stumble upon an affair your husband has been having behind your back. Only this time it is emotional and physical. Now you're totally invested financially and anchored with a child together. If that sounds like a future you want by all means marry him. You're at a tipping point here and can totally avoid a crisis in the near future. He has already proved to be extremely high risk and marrying him in 9 months would be a mistake in my opinion. If you really love him and want to give it a chance I would post pone the wedding and ride it out for awhile before making life altering decisions.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to give him a chance but why should I? Our wedding is 9 months away and I'm ashamed to have even started planning a wedding when I knew this was possible again. Do I call off the wedding and move on, or try to help him with his issues? He claims to have only let this happen once since last year and I do believe him as I've been monitoring him since then. My self esteem is very minimal at this point. I feel as if I'm not enough for him and he has to go find that pleasure elsewhere. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I believe maybe he had a relapse on his addiction but am I enabling him by continuing the relationship? I'm lost and in love but stupid, right?

It may sound strange but Congratulations! You've found out very early in the game. Imagine your tough situation made even more difficult with 2 kids and tens years of marriage.

 

One of two things is true - either he won't commit to fidelity or he can't commit to fidelity. In terms of your future, does it matter which one it is ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

ajt4519,

I'm sorry but this is a crowded relationship = you + him + his addiction, and

he won't ever be able to give this relationship 100% because of this.

 

You say

 

When we're good, we're great

 

but ask yourself how can it be "great" when he persistently lies to you? How can you ever trust him?

 

It seems to me to be escalating. First a porn addiction, now talking to women, the next step is actually meeting them..... Are you going to stick around as his addiction starts continues to take over his life, and destroys your relationship in the process?

 

I feel as if I'm not enough for him and he has to go find that pleasure elsewhere. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do

 

This is his problem not yours. You are not responsible for him, or his addiction(s).

 

but am I enabling him by continuing the relationship?

 

Yes, by continuing to stay in the relationship then you are telling him you accept his behaviour and there is no motivation for him to change.

 

He's already shown you that he's OK with lying to you and he's OK with cheating. Now, are you OK with that?

 

Please do not tie yourself legally to this man.

 

Good luck.

[meandmycats]

I'll start off with a small history of our past. I've been with my fiancé now for a little over 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship, he struggled with a porn addiction even though we were very sexually active. This is when my self esteem began to take a large hit. I was young and it hurt to feel like I wasn't enough even though I felt as if I was giving him all that I could. Fast forward 3 years, and I had caught him lying to me time and time again about getting over his addiction but he failed many times. I eventually became okay with the idea of it because it didn't bother me as much because I think I was naive in the beginning to think he'd never watch it. Fast forward one more year, we are engaged and I thought heading in the right direction.. then 3 months later I find multiple online chat room accounts he had. He had been sexually talking to many random girls from all over the world. I felt my world shatter before my eyes. We had it out that night and he broke down mentally as well. At this point, I think he finally realized what was on the line. I decided to stick by his side as he attended therapy where it was discovered he does have a sexual addiction caused by a chemical in balance in his brain. He also downgraded all technology as to where he had no way of possibly messing up again. We survived this terrible terrible time and this past summer began planning our wedding. I eventually became comfortable again and allowed him to go back to a smartphone. Two days ago I found a random number on our bill and turns out it was a random girl he had met on some game on his phone. I talked to her myself and it turns out the conversation was sexual as well. I felt once again like my world had been shattered. He tried to deny it but the girl even sent me a screenshot of the conversation for crying out loud. He eventually gave in and told the truth. He clearly expects me to forgive him as I have so many times before but I'm so lost as to what to do. We've had our future planned for years, marriage and kids but all that seems like it just isn't possible anymore. We live together and I cannot financially support myself yet as I just graduated college recently. I love this man. When we're good, we're great but when is enough, enough?

 

I want to give him a chance but why should I? Our wedding is 9 months away and I'm ashamed to have even started planning a wedding when I knew this was possible again. Do I call off the wedding and move on, or try to help him with his issues? He claims to have only let this happen once since last year and I do believe him as I've been monitoring him since then. My self esteem is very minimal at this point. I feel as if I'm not enough for him and he has to go find that pleasure elsewhere. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I believe maybe he had a relapse on his addiction but am I enabling him by continuing the relationship? I'm lost and in love but stupid, right?

 

This is really bloody s*itty darlin'. Listen, I can't say I know a great deal about porn/sex addiction, but what I can tell you is that my Mum had to deal with this crap when my Dad went awol.

 

 

First he got his own laptop, and as he was working away from home for months at a time, that's when all the crap started according to Mum. He was on sex chat sites, porn coming out of his ears, and then had an affair in the middle of all of it.

 

 

It got worse and worse until it all blew up in his face. The affair ended but the addiction didn't. He kept making the same old promises she said, until she got pissed off with trying to help him. He was just lucky my Mum does what she does. She packed his bags and kicked his ass out. Long story short, he got professional help with his addiction off his own back.

 

 

That's the secret. If he doesn't want help my love, he won't stop. YOU can't love him out of it, help him out of it, or do anything about it. HE has to be the one to do it.

 

 

Don't marry him. Not now. It would be a huge mistake I can almost guarantee it.

 

 

You can't police him over this, he is not a child, he is an adult who should take responsibility for his behaviour.

 

 

The trouble is, porn/sex addiction alters the brains dopamine levels (the 'excitement' bit of the brain) and the only way to reverse it is with the right therapy/tools/treatment.

 

 

My parents are still together and have been married a long time now, but I've SEEN what it did. Only when my Dad lost everything did he really get that it was HIS issue to resolve. Mum says he's a different man now because porn is out of his life, and I have to say I can see it.

 

 

From what I've seen, I would say call the wedding off. Tell him you cannot accept this way of life any longer. Don't offer assistance, just tell him it is his problem to resolve not yours. Tough love. See what happens. He might turn it around and get proper help, but even if he does, remember that this is who he is, and while he might be able to control it, you will always be on your guard.

 

 

I feel for you really I do, and I wish you lots of luck.

[somecamel]

I'll start off with a small history of our past. I've been with my fiancé now for a little over 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship, he struggled with a porn addiction even though we were very sexually active. This is when my self esteem began to take a large hit. I was young and it hurt to feel like I wasn't enough even though I felt as if I was giving him all that I could. Fast forward 3 years, and I had caught him lying to me time and time again about getting over his addiction but he failed many times. I eventually became okay with the idea of it because it didn't bother me as much because I think I was naive in the beginning to think he'd never watch it. Fast forward one more year, we are engaged and I thought heading in the right direction.. then 3 months later I find multiple online chat room accounts he had. He had been sexually talking to many random girls from all over the world. I felt my world shatter before my eyes. We had it out that night and he broke down mentally as well. At this point, I think he finally realized what was on the line. I decided to stick by his side as he attended therapy where it was discovered he does have a sexual addiction caused by a chemical in balance in his brain. He also downgraded all technology as to where he had no way of possibly messing up again. We survived this terrible terrible time and this past summer began planning our wedding. I eventually became comfortable again and allowed him to go back to a smartphone. Two days ago I found a random number on our bill and turns out it was a random girl he had met on some game on his phone. I talked to her myself and it turns out the conversation was sexual as well. I felt once again like my world had been shattered. He tried to deny it but the girl even sent me a screenshot of the conversation for crying out loud. He eventually gave in and told the truth. He clearly expects me to forgive him as I have so many times before but I'm so lost as to what to do. We've had our future planned for years, marriage and kids but all that seems like it just isn't possible anymore. We live together and I cannot financially support myself yet as I just graduated college recently. I love this man. When we're good, we're great but when is enough, enough?

 

I want to give him a chance but why should I? Our wedding is 9 months away and I'm ashamed to have even started planning a wedding when I knew this was possible again. Do I call off the wedding and move on, or try to help him with his issues? He claims to have only let this happen once since last year and I do believe him as I've been monitoring him since then. My self esteem is very minimal at this point. I feel as if I'm not enough for him and he has to go find that pleasure elsewhere. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I believe maybe he had a relapse on his addiction but am I enabling him by continuing the relationship? I'm lost and in love but stupid, right?

 

Not too sure on how a chemical inbalance is to blame for him having an overactive sex drive, but then again, I'm not one for attaching a label to every thing that happens to us normally as some excuse for acting like we are designed to behave.

 

I know a lot of females have issues with Porn and I'm not going to try and pretend to understand that but OP the messaging other women was over the line and wrong.

 

Please stop trying to find an excuse as to why he behaves the way he does, he doesn't need your help, he needs the help of the numerous women he chats to and he'll never stop doing this. On the bright side he'll end up living a very lonely life and so will you unless you put a stop to this now.

 

You've been a bit of a doormat to this guy and co-dependant of him somewhat.

 

Time to rub those eyes dry and make a decision as to what YOU are going to do in YOUR life.

 

You've already taken him back what twice now?

 

Why waste anymore time, confide in a close friend who can be there to support you if you finally say enough is enough, call off the wedding and work on yourself and your needs.

 

Wishing you the best

[BetrayedH]

Sorry to say it but in case you needed another vote, I'm with the others here.

 

If I had anything to add, it that's I don't believe in porn "addiction." It's a choice. And his actions repeatedly show he's making the same decision regardless of the words he cares to share with you.

 

For what it's worth, I don't blame those that try to reconcile after infidelity; I made an effort myself. But when it continues to happen after they see what the first Dday does to a betrayed partner, it's time to throw in the towel. Reconcile again and I'm afraid you'll have to consider yourself more of a volunteer than a victim.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Not married? No Kids? No Way.

[spanz1]

can you maybe move his interest from online porn sites over to something less threatening to the upcoming marriage, such as political sites, hunting sites, romance sites (like this one), cooking sites, handyman sites? He might have a need to text and chat with others, but make it non-sexual