Emotional Timeline

[jm2013]

So I was at my wife's work last week and went into her office. I couldn't help but notice she has our daughter displayed all over her office and only one family picture of all of us. I don't know if I'm over analyzing this but the thought crossed my mind. I sat there for a second and wondered if the only reason she wanted to stay in the marriage was our daughter. Though she'd never admit that. Maybe the guilt would have eaten her from the inside if she would have ran off with the other guy.

 

Lately I have felt like I'm in some sort of waiting period. Like after x amount of time things will feel "better" if you will. Things still feel broken even though the dynamics of things changed immensely. In no way does my wife feel special like she used to. I still look at her different...Tainted. Hell, I rarely kiss her. Ever since this went down I don't often kiss her or even say I love you. I haven't said I love you to her since D-Day. Though I have indirectly said it.

 

I know this is going to come off weird. It's like I feel happy right now cause I do most of the time. But there's also times I just feel blah. Things she would never understand. Things sometimes feel questionable. I look at the woman in front of me and sometimes ask myself if this is all worth it. Then I look at my daughter and know she is. I love her so much. I don't know if this is normal but as the time ticks I had originally thought "it will only get better". Now it feels like as more time passes by it just gets more disgusting to think about and analyze.

 

Then I come here and read stories that just disgust me even more. I read the stories of failed reconciliations. The success rate appears very minimal. There's either no contact being broken even years out or a hot new affair being started years down the road. I couldn't even begin to imagine living another d-day..

 

I know I've been up, down and side to side about this. It's been a wild emotional roller coaster ride that's for sure. I also feel at times my wife is trying to make me dependent on her. She has not stopped doing things for me. I've tried to tell her to stop many times but she keeps doing it saying she likes to do it all for me. She's not my mother. I'm not sure if this is a tactic she's trying to use to make me as dependent on her as she can in weird ways. I know that probably sounds kind of weird. But at times it is what it feels like.

 

Lately I've also been thinking about all of the junk that goes with this. I sit here and wonder how many times her and OM had a laugh at my expense. Or how many times they sat there talking about being together and wish things were different. Or how they wished they had met first and gotten married and had kids. I have no clue. I'm sure a lot of these conversations did happen. A few sessions ago with the counselor I had suggested she take a polygraph. I am really thinking about having her just do it to see how honest she's being with me. That I guess will tell the real story of what is happening...

 

I had a bad week a couple weeks ago too. I met up with a co worker who I used to work with and we had lunch. Coming to find out his wife just left him. He said she told him she did not love him anymore and went on telling us all about it. Then the craziest thing happened. His wife and her other man walked in. I could only imagine the emotion that was flowing through him to watch his wife with her new man getting lunch together.

 

He just said he wants it all to be done with as soon as possible so he can just move on. I looked at his situation and could only think that I had thought I was going to be in that same boat. I don't know where I was going with that. It just sucks watching somebody else in emotional trauma. You could tell this is still pretty fresh to him.

 

If you're still reading this thanks for reading my brain dump for the day.. I know this probably all just sounds like a bunch of rambling and I apologize. It just feels good to get it all out.

[merrmeade]

...

I know this is going to come off weird. It's like I feel happy right now cause I do most of the time. But there's also times I just feel blah. Things she would never understand. Things sometimes feel questionable. I look at the woman in front of me and sometimes ask myself if this is all worth it. Then I look at my daughter and know she is. I love her so much. I don't know if this is normal but as the time ticks I had originally thought "it will only get better". Now it feels like as more time passes by it just gets more disgusting to think about and analyze.

 

Then I come here and read stories that just disgust me even more. I read the stories of failed reconciliations. The success rate appears very minimal. There's either no contact being broken even years out or a hot new affair being started years down the road. I couldn't even begin to imagine living another d-day..

 

I know I've been up, down and side to side about this. It's been a wild emotional roller coaster ride that's for sure. I also feel at times my wife is trying to make me dependent on her. She has not stopped doing things for me. I've tried to tell her to stop many times but she keeps doing it saying she likes to do it all for me. She's not my mother. I'm not sure if this is a tactic she's trying to use to make me as dependent on her as she can in weird ways. I know that probably sounds kind of weird. But at times it is what it feels like.

 

Lately I've also been thinking about all of the junk that goes with this. I sit here and wonder how many times her and OM had a laugh at my expense. Or how many times they sat there talking about being together and wish things were different. Or how they wished they had met first and gotten married and had kids. I have no clue. I'm sure a lot of these conversations did happen. A few sessions ago with the counselor I had suggested she take a polygraph. I am really thinking about having her just do it to see how honest she's being with me. That I guess will tell the real story of what is happening...

...

 

I don't have any insights, only echos and hope that someone else responds with something helpful. Maybe this is the cost of R. Like selling your soul to the devil or "be careful what you want, you just might get it." I really feel like I've lost myself and don't know where to look for it. It's like "blahs" but more flat. I can't even get enough 'umph' to start a thread to discuss it. Will be interested in your responses...

Edited October 28, 2014 by merrmeade

[Red123]

I don't have a solution but I have had days like what you are describing for sure. I am a year past Dday and those days are becoming less and less. In the first couple of months it was survival mode at best. Then a few months of what felt like deep sorrow. Then anger and the expectation that he fix me and my feelings. From November of 2013 until now he has done everything in his power to make things right and has maintained his end of NC. I went through a couple of months of what you are describing where the thoughts if them were eating me alive and I was weighing whether the pain was worth it, if we were worth it. I was giving him next to nothing and telling him I don't know if I can do this every few days. He began losing hope and I had none. It looked pretty much like R was not going to work. I can't remember exactly what the first thought was, but my thinking started to change. I started to look at this from outside of myself, where the pain wasn't so deep, still there but not as deep. I looked the state of us before it began, how I was treating him and his attempts to change things with us. I weighed who he is now vs the 3.5 months of the A and the aftermath it included. Then I thought about the fact that although I agreed to R, I hadn't tried at all, just sat with the pain. So I started to try, a little at first then as it becomes more natural it am able to try even harder. I tell him and show him I love him, we make time for each other and I am feeling happy again. It's not perfect, we still discuss the A when I need to but I actually feel the need less and less. I don't have the answer but this is where I have found myself lately. I hope you find what you need to feel good again. I may fall again too, but I feel so much stronger and I have faith that whether we work out or not I'll be ok.

[gettingstronger]

There is a similar thread to this open as well- and yes, I agree that infidelity sets off thoughts you never imagined- I, too, get the blahs..like this is what my life has become, I am a stat I never wanted to be- I know I am forever changed and this hand was dealt to me by the one I love and trusted the most-

 

SO- I am still in R and it is mostly good- I do remind myself I would be damaged no matter what path I decide so I am working as hard as I can to rebuild my marriage-

[beatcuff]

So I was at my wife's work last week and went into her office. I couldn't help but notice she has our daughter displayed all over her office and only one family picture of all of us.

 

i'm in my office right now. children out number wife by a large margin. and it should --- visitors ask about the children.

 

why? it's small talk that is SAFE, just like the weather.

[jm2013]

Sometimes I feel like I'm driving an old car that constantly needs repair. This car has been damaged severely and is still broken but drivable. It takes years to fix and still may not be fixable after sinking years, days and many hours into it. With years of uncertainty, the car you once had brand new and loved may never feel the same again. I weigh the cost of reconditioning my old car and putting all the effort in to try and restore it to its once excellent condition in which it was in long long ago when it was first obtained.

 

Then once in awhile I get that thirst to drive a new car I know isn't broken. A car that drives great, is new and starts me off at 0 miles. As soon as I drive that car off the lot I know and trust it is going to work. I don't know if it will fail in a few years but with my promise and commitment to take care of it and treat it right it may just last a lifetime. With many years of driving experience I know now to treat my car right and be gentle with it. I know better than to treat it bad cause I know now it will fall apart and stop working after so many years of neglect and mistreatment.

 

Today is a new day. I hope all of you have a great day. I know there are some good times and bad. After reading many stories here I made myself an emotional timeline. It seems like people heal after about 2 + years after infidelity. This is probably going to be a problem for me if I hit the 2 years and still feel similar to how I do today. I would have to question if I have locked myself into a mental prison and am doing time for somebody else's crime. We mostly have good days but I don't think there's a day that goes by where something doesn't make me think about this terrible mess that has been here for just over a year now. I hope one day it will go away and we can move on from it with a true forgiveness that can be given.

[revelations]

Truthfully my whole perspective on marriage and relationships have changed drastically over the past few years. Anymore when I see a young, newlywed couple I can't help but to feel sorry for the guy. The odds are very high for that guy that is newly married that his wife will cheat on him at some point in time, or she will just walk out on him. Once in divorce court he will find out quickly that he is nothing more than a slave, being force to work to keep his ex wife in a lifestyle that she is use to. His home and kids will be replaced by his ex wife's latest love interest.

 

After I found out about my ex wife's cheating I left her. I knew that their was no way I could ever look at her the same way. I knew that I would trust a stranger on the streets more than her because she had proven herself to be untrustworthy. I knew that if I tried to stay that it would be myself I would have let down more than anything else. By leaving I was at least able to stop the abuse and protect myself. If I had stayed then I would have only allowed the abuse to continue or even if the abuse stopped I would still be justifying it. Once you have been cheated on, nothing that a wayward spouse can do that can ever correct, makeup or make even what has been done to the betrayed spouse. Some men will say that after time the marriage to their formal wayward wife is better than ever. I don't doubt them, they maybe right and okay with how things are for them. For myself the thing that always hurts the worse was knowing that I am always her second choice. This alone made my choice to walk away and easy choice.

[Sub]

I sat there for a second and wondered if the only reason she wanted to stay in the marriage was our daughter.

 

I can relate to a lot of your post(I'm 3 years out, my best friend is currently going through a D after finding out his W was having an A), but the above was something I've given a lot of thought to myself. My WW in essence admitted to me early on in our R that our son was the main reason she stayed. It wasn't so much that she didn't love me anymore, but that he was kind of a guiding light to find her way back to "us", so to speak. It hurt to hear, but then I realized that I was pretty much in the same position. We decided to separate after D-Day, she put down money for an apartment, and I was pretty much done. After one particular sleepless night, I was angry and ready to D. Then I hear a door open, little feet coming towards me, and suddenly our 5-year-old son is curled up next to me in bed. And it brought me back from the ledge. I understood where my WW was coming from at that point. And fortunately it's paid off, as we're in a good place now. This may or may not apply to your situation, but I think "staying for the kids" isn't always just about sucking it up, keeping up appearances for them, etc. You may also find that it's part of your reason to stay as well.

[Friskyone4u]

Jm2013

If you need her to take a polygraph then ask for it. Her cheating gave you the right to ask for whatever you need to heal . But before you ask for a poly, make sure you know what you will do if it reveals something you did not want to be true.

[jm2013]

Jm2013

If you need her to take a polygraph then ask for it. Her cheating gave you the right to ask for whatever you need to heal . But before you ask for a poly, make sure you know what you will do if it reveals something you did not want to be true.

 

That's just the thing. There's no doubt in my mind there would be things that are still hidden. The length of the affair, love and physical encounters. I would also like to know if I was the backup plan. Perhaps he told her he didn't want to leave his family when I found out and just cast her aside. I have no clue. What I do know is they were engaging in daily communication to the day I found out. So there was still something there between the two.. Every time we talk about it even with the counselor she tries to minimize what the relationship was. I always get "I would think and feel the same way if I were in your shoes as well". And it gets left at that.. But deep down I know there is more to the story. If I find her lying to me through a polygraph it would completely destroy what is left. It would further show she is only thinking about herself and trying to minimize what she did to protect herself. Everything is about her. That would confirm that attitude and mentality is still in there but being suppressed.

[the_artist_1970]

The greatest advice that my DH and I were given in MC was that we could stay together for the sake of our children or we could rebuild a M that we both love to be in. We decided to stay together and be the total object of each other's affection. Of course I went through years of anger/depression/sadness/doubt and fear but at this point in our M and lives and I can truly say that I am happy to be M to him and he feels the same way. Not kissing your W is a very bad thing and will cause her to long for a man's affection and tender touch. It sounds like you both are staying together for your child and that is not good for either of you. Most ppl need love and affection and most of the time if one is not getting it from their spouse it draws them to seek it outside of the M. I know it's hard but you two have to decide that you are going to really rebuild or end the M. It's hard as heck to rebuild but it can be worth it in the end. It's time to sit your W down and have an honest heart to heart talk with her. It is also time to do some soul searching and decide if you can or even want to rebuild your M. Rebuilding a M after an A isn't for everyone. You can still love your daughter and care for her without being M to your W.

[jm2013]

I can relate to a lot of your post(I'm 3 years out, my best friend is currently going through a D after finding out his W was having an A), but the above was something I've given a lot of thought to myself. My WW in essence admitted to me early on in our R that our son was the main reason she stayed. It wasn't so much that she didn't love me anymore, but that he was kind of a guiding light to find her way back to "us", so to speak. It hurt to hear, but then I realized that I was pretty much in the same position. We decided to separate after D-Day, she put down money for an apartment, and I was pretty much done. After one particular sleepless night, I was angry and ready to D. Then I hear a door open, little feet coming towards me, and suddenly our 5-year-old son is curled up next to me in bed. And it brought me back from the ledge. I understood where my WW was coming from at that point. And fortunately it's paid off, as we're in a good place now. This may or may not apply to your situation, but I think "staying for the kids" isn't always just about sucking it up, keeping up appearances for them, etc. You may also find that it's part of your reason to stay as well.

 

This is definitely true. If my wife and I did not have our daughter there would have been no hope for us to reconcile. It would have been much easier to deal with in my opinion. My daughter was a gateway to our reconciliation process. I never got my wife to admit to that. She tried hard to get me back. I left the house and she had ample time to go be with the other guy. So there are two things that may have happened at least in my case. A) He did not want to leave his family and it just ended. And B) She truly loves me whole heartedly and wanted our marriage to work. But it doesn't make sense to me cause their texting and phone calls lasted all the way up to the day I pulled the phone records and confronted her about it.

 

When I saw my friend's wife sitting in line grabbing some food with her other man I could only wonder what was cycling through his head. I cannot believe he was so calm about it from the outside but probably melting inside. The man who preyed on his wife was standing before him. The man that took everything he knew and loved and helped strip it all away. When I saw this before my eyes I was even flooded with emotion. I knew what he was feeling from the inside.

[TrustedthenBusted]

That's just the thing. There's no doubt in my mind there would be things that are still hidden. The length of the affair, love and physical encounters. I would also like to know if I was the backup plan. Perhaps he told her he didn't want to leave his family when I found out and just cast her aside. I have no clue. What I do know is they were engaging in daily communication to the day I found out. So there was still something there between the two.. Every time we talk about it even with the counselor she tries to minimize what the relationship was. I always get "I would think and feel the same way if I were in your shoes as well". And it gets left at that.. But deep down I know there is more to the story. If I find her lying to me through a polygraph it would completely destroy what is left. It would further show she is only thinking about herself and trying to minimize what she did to protect herself. Everything is about her. That would confirm that attitude and mentality is still in there but being suppressed.

 

I could have written that post almost word for word. And yeah, I think this is just how it is after an affair. It's funny too, because if you really think about it, an affair partner is JUST another boyfriend. She probably had a few before she met you, and I'm sure none of the thoughts about those guys turn your stomach like this latest one. 5 years later, I can tell you that my wife's OM, to me, has been filed away with all the other boyfriends that I don't give a rat's ass about. In fact, if I had to rank him, he'd be near the bottom of the pile. Se could have done much better.

 

Anyway, back to life, today, and in the future. I think this is just how it is. I think you can still make a go of it, but unfortunately it takes more effort on OUT part in order to make that time a happy time. It's unfair, and lopsided, and it seems like it would be so easy to just start over with someone else. But there are no safety nets out there, and you will never go back to trusting anyone as blindly as we all did our spouses. So the next relationship, while not tainted, will still also be less-than. That's because we've been changed. We've had our eyes FORCED open and we see that we were no safer than anyone else out there.

 

But... you will NEVER go through another D-Day like the first one. If she does it again, you will know without any further doubt, that she is not worth your time, and I suspect you will feel relief more than pain.

 

But I hear you man. There were times I used to have these little fantasies that my wife actually died some quick painless death like a car accident. That's when it hit me.... wow... do I even care about this person at all? And the answer was no.

 

But slowly I inched my way back up from that, and am committed to a fresh start together. Only this time, the rules of engagement are much clearer, and not just implied like they were when we were much younger.

 

Look at the bright side... you just got this out of the way. Most people's spouses will cheat, and a lot of poor saps ( like we used to be ) will never be the wiser.

 

I prefer to know the score.

[Striver]

My sympathies to your situation.

 

There are three possible scenarios. One is you and WW attempt R, successful or not. The other two are she leaves you for OM, or you refuse to R. All of them stink.

 

My WW is leaving me for OM, and we have multiple kids. Stinks. Kids are young, I will lose my home, lose at least some contact with them. WW is also a dominant person and I will have to work hard to ensure she does not shove me out of their lives or certain sectors of their lives.

 

Despite the low success rate, a lot of people attempt R if it is offered. Because they don't want to lose what they have other than the relationship itself. Also because it's not always that easy to move on. Yes, I can find someone else to date, but I still have xW and kids to deal with, she probably does too. In some ways I will be freer because I will never expect to have the level of trust I once had with anyone. Some of my fears will be gone because of what has happened. I no longer fear death the way I once did. Freeing in some ways, but mostly it isn't worth it.

 

There are worse things. Between this and cancer, I will take this. People that are physically dying would likely trade places with us in a heartbeat. Keep that in mind.

[jm2013]

The greatest advice that my DH and I were given in MC was that we could stay together for the sake of our children or we could rebuild a M that we both love to be in. We decided to stay together and be the total object of each other's affection. Of course I went through years of anger/depression/sadness/doubt and fear but at this point in our M and lives and I can truly say that I am happy to be M to him and he feels the same way. Not kissing your W is a very bad thing and will cause her to long for a man's affection and tender touch. It sounds like you both are staying together for your child and that is not good for either of you. Most ppl need love and affection and most of the time if one is not getting it from their spouse it draws them to seek it outside of the M. I know it's hard but you two have to decide that you are going to really rebuild or end the M. It's hard as heck to rebuild but it can be worth it in the end. It's time to sit your W down and have an honest heart to heart talk with her. It is also time to do some soul searching and decide if you can or even want to rebuild your M. Rebuilding a M after an A isn't for everyone. You can still love your daughter and care for her without being M to your W.

 

How many years of anger/depression/sadness/doubt and fear did you go through to finally put in all the effort into your marriage? We have had many of those conversations. I will self admit it is hard to show my wife the kind of affection that was so easily given before I knew about her affair.

[the_artist_1970]

Truthfully my whole perspective on marriage and relationships have changed drastically over the past few years. Anymore when I see a young, newlywed couple I can't help but to feel sorry for the guy. The odds are very high for that guy that is newly married that his wife will cheat on him at some point in time, or she will just walk out on him. Once in divorce court he will find out quickly that he is nothing more than a slave, being force to work to keep his ex wife in a lifestyle that she is use to. His home and kids will be replaced by his ex wife's latest love interest.

 

After I found out about my ex wife's cheating I left her. I knew that their was no way I could ever look at her the same way. I knew that I would trust a stranger on the streets more than her because she had proven herself to be untrustworthy. I knew that if I tried to stay that it would be myself I would have let down more than anything else. By leaving I was at least able to stop the abuse and protect myself. If I had stayed then I would have only allowed the abuse to continue or even if the abuse stopped I would still be justifying it. Once you have been cheated on, nothing that a wayward spouse can do that can ever correct, makeup or make even what has been done to the betrayed spouse. Some men will say that after time the marriage to their formal wayward wife is better than ever. I don't doubt them, they maybe right and okay with how things are for them. For myself the thing that always hurts the worse was knowing that I am always her second choice. This alone made my choice to walk away and easy choice.

 

Wow, what a bleak outlook on life and M. This is so incorrect on so many levels. I for one love my FWH totally and I am happy to be his W even though he made the huge error in judgement by cheating six years ago. I also never felt like my DH second choice. I know now and always have known that I am his first choice, his lover and his W. And I have been faithful to him since I met him and will NEVER be unfaithful. If he happens to cheat again, I can happily divorce him and move on with my life. But I am so glad every day to have him in my life.

[jm2013]

Wow, what a bleak outlook on life and M. This is so incorrect on so many levels. I for one love my FWH totally and I am happy to be his W even though he made the huge error in judgement by cheating six years ago. I also never felt like my DH second choice. I know now and always have known that I am his first choice, his lover and his W. And I have been faithful to him since I met him and will NEVER be unfaithful. If he happens to cheat again, I can happily divorce him and move on with my life. But I am so glad every day to have him in my life.

 

Would you really happily divorce him? How much more deceived would you feel after x amount of years of emotional pain and effort to restore your marriage and your spouse goes on to have another affair taking you for granted once again. That would imply those feeling of the old were still there and relevant the whole time during your reconciliation. I know this is all hypothetical but coming here and reading stories of reconciliations is scary. Stories time and time again of reconciliation then another slip up. Whether it is breaking no contact or finding another person which things get carried away with. This would imply the person doing the destruction has some major internal issues they've still struggled with during the course of a reconciliation.

[the_artist_1970]

How many years of anger/depression/sadness/doubt and fear did you go through to finally put in all the effort into your marriage? We have had many of those conversations. I will self admit it is hard to show my wife the kind of affection that was so easily given before I knew about her affair.

 

It took me about four years total. The first two years were the worse. I know it's hard to show your W affection but if you don't she will crave it like a person in the desert without water and that leaves her vulnerable for another A.

[Be_Strong]

jm,

When you make the choice to reconcile you have to do it with full awareness that you are exposing yourself to the very real risk of being betrayed again in the future and the risk of the reconciliation simply not working out. And despite the possibility of facing excruciating pain and heart-break again in the future, you need to dive head first into the reconciliation and give it everything you've got. In other words, put your heart back out there on a platter. It's a high risk / high reward situation. If you're holding some of yourself back to protect yourself or simply can't fully invest in the reconciliation, you shouldn't even bother trying.

[jm2013]

My sympathies to your situation.

 

There are three possible scenarios. One is you and WW attempt R, successful or not. The other two are she leaves you for OM, or you refuse to R. All of them stink.

 

My WW is leaving me for OM, and we have multiple kids. Stinks. Kids are young, I will lose my home, lose at least some contact with them. WW is also a dominant person and I will have to work hard to ensure she does not shove me out of their lives or certain sectors of their lives.

 

Despite the low success rate, a lot of people attempt R if it is offered. Because they don't want to lose what they have other than the relationship itself. Also because it's not always that easy to move on. Yes, I can find someone else to date, but I still have xW and kids to deal with, she probably does too. In some ways I will be freer because I will never expect to have the level of trust I once had with anyone. Some of my fears will be gone because of what has happened. I no longer fear death the way I once did. Freeing in some ways, but mostly it isn't worth it.

 

There are worse things. Between this and cancer, I will take this. People that are physically dying would likely trade places with us in a heartbeat. Keep that in mind.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was offered a chance at reconciliation and had thought about it. If I had just walked away for good would I have looked back and wondered if it would have worked? I decided to try and take the higher road and work out our marriage. I'm not putting an outside smile on and living in complete hatred underneath. Like I said before, most days are happy days. Though I still think about everything a lot. My wife will catch me just staring off into space deep in thought. I think she knows what I'm thinking about at times.

 

I think there are certain people who'd rather be hit by a bus, die of whatever than to lose everything around them. I was there and ready to lose everything I had around me and thought at one point I was even losing my job. I felt like I was going to be left with absolutely nothing at one point and had no hope. I was just numb to this world.

 

I could have written that post almost word for word. And yeah, I think this is just how it is after an affair. It's funny too, because if you really think about it, an affair partner is JUST another boyfriend. She probably had a few before she met you, and I'm sure none of the thoughts about those guys turn your stomach like this latest one. 5 years later, I can tell you that my wife's OM, to me, has been filed away with all the other boyfriends that I don't give a rat's ass about. In fact, if I had to rank him, he'd be near the bottom of the pile. Se could have done much better.

 

Anyway, back to life, today, and in the future. I think this is just how it is. I think you can still make a go of it, but unfortunately it takes more effort on OUT part in order to make that time a happy time. It's unfair, and lopsided, and it seems like it would be so easy to just start over with someone else. But there are no safety nets out there, and you will never go back to trusting anyone as blindly as we all did our spouses. So the next relationship, while not tainted, will still also be less-than. That's because we've been changed. We've had our eyes FORCED open and we see that we were no safer than anyone else out there.

 

But... you will NEVER go through another D-Day like the first one. If she does it again, you will know without any further doubt, that she is not worth your time, and I suspect you will feel relief more than pain.

 

But I hear you man. There were times I used to have these little fantasies that my wife actually died some quick painless death like a car accident. That's when it hit me.... wow... do I even care about this person at all? And the answer was no.

 

But slowly I inched my way back up from that, and am committed to a fresh start together. Only this time, the rules of engagement are much clearer, and not just implied like they were when we were much younger.

 

Look at the bright side... you just got this out of the way. Most people's spouses will cheat, and a lot of poor saps ( like we used to be ) will never be the wiser.

 

I prefer to know the score.

 

I just want to touch base with what you're saying. So right after you found out you could have cared less about your wife? She was the bottom of the barrel to you? Then between then and some point you guys started clicking again and fell back in love with each other? I did have the same mentality about the boyfriend thing. I told my wife I felt even worse cause the guy is a complete tool bag. He just looks like a tool. But it's not surprising considering her list of boyfriends. She was not the most popular person in school. We come from two different backgrounds. She comes from a secluded group of band geeks she had through school. I clicked with just about everybody and hit the social scene pretty hard. Had many friends and was popular in school. I had started to wonder that when she gets showered with attention in adulthood it makes up for the pieces of her puzzle that were perhaps missing when she was growing up..

[Sub]

But it doesn't make sense to me cause their texting and phone calls lasted all the way up to the day I pulled the phone records and confronted her about it.

One thing I did have a grasp on after discovering the A was that my WW's feelings for the OM weren't just going to disappear. She was saying that it was over, and it was maybe on its way. But I knew it wasn't and that she was just trying to keep me out of it. I told her as much, and she was in contact with him for a couple months after D-Day. Thing is, I was aware of it, and in a way encouraged it. I could be wrong, but I actually think that part of the process helped us the most in the long run.

[the_artist_1970]

Would you really happily divorce him? How much more deceived would you feel after x amount of years of emotional pain and effort to restore your marriage and your spouse goes on to have another affair taking you for granted once again. That would imply those feeling of the old were still there and relevant the whole time during your reconciliation. I know this is all hypothetical but coming here and reading stories of reconciliations is scary. Stories time and time again of reconciliation then another slip up. Whether it is breaking no contact or finding another person which things get carried away with. This would imply the person doing the destruction has some major internal issues they've still struggled with during the course of a reconciliation.

 

Absolutely! I will divorce him immediately! That's the thing. My DH is a wonderful man. I have known him for 25 years. Even if he did cheat again, I still know that my DH is an awesome guy who I had the pleasure of being married to. If he cheats again, it won't tear me apart like it did the first time, and even though I would no longer want to be married to him I won't ever forget all of the wonderful years he has given me. I will leave him knowing that he just can't be faithful and let some other woman/women deal with sharing him. I feel very luck to have had him as a husband because he is a one of a kind. I know for a fact that I can happily divorce him.

 

I have a husband because I love our love affair not because I need a man for financial reasons or just having a man around. I have a great career and I can live out the rest of my life being single if I need to.

[jm2013]

One thing I did have a grasp on after discovering the A was that my WW's feelings for the OM weren't just going to disappear. She was saying that it was over, and it was maybe on its way. But I knew it wasn't and that she was just trying to keep me out of it. I told her as much, and she was in contact with him for a couple months after D-Day. Thing is, I was aware of it, and in a way encouraged it. I could be wrong, but I actually think that part of the process helped us the most in the long run.

 

 

I can kind of relate here. When I left my house I WANTED my wife to be put under that temptation to be with him to see where her heart was truly. I left and to be honest had kind of expected for her to veer off that path. There are only two possible scenarios in my situation that hold true. A) he did no want to be with her or B) she really did not want to be with him, loves me and wants to make us work. She of course has always stated it is B and HE was the one pursuing her. Of course this sounds good from the outside. If she said - "I tried to be with him and he did not want any part of it. He did not want to leave his wife because that would destroy his family. So I figured I would give us a shot". That of course doesn't sound too good.

[Sub]

If she said - "I tried to be with him and he did not want any part of it. He did not want to leave his wife because that would destroy his family. So I figured I would give us a shot". That of course doesn't sound too good.

 

Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to move past that.

[Be_Strong]

If she said - "I tried to be with him and he did not want any part of it. He did not want to leave his wife because that would destroy his family. So I figured I would give us a shot". That of course doesn't sound too good.

Yeah, it wouldn't work under that scenario. In my case, after D-day, the MOM aggressively pursued my wife with everything he had, even going so far as to move out of his family home and filing for divorce to demonstrate how committed he was to my wife. So, I knew that the fact that my wife was choosing to stay and reconcile was not her running back to me as a second choice.