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Lied about having a relationship with wife's best friend before meeting her is cheati


Oldliesareback

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Oldliesareback

ng?

 

I have been married to my wife for 8.5 years now. We have a son and daughter. We have been happily married with no infidelity or major arguments..until last month.

 

More than a decade ago, BEFORE I MET MY WIFE, I dated her (now) best friend for close to a year when we both were in law school in NY. It started off as a fling and then became serious but we had to end it when she moved to the west coast. I stayed in NY and started working and eventually met my wife at a bar through a coworker introducing her as a friend. She worked in another very prestigious law firm in the city as a paralegal.

 

We dated and got married two years later. As it turns out, my ex girlfriend (who I did not keep in contact with at ALL..no email, etc.) came back to the east coast and wound up working at my wife's law firm. Like something out of a movie, my wife and her became good friends and started hanging out with her. A few months later, I met my wife for drinks and was introduced to her new friend. I was speechless and so was my ex...I had not seen her in so long.

 

I knew my wife spoke highly of her new friend so I automatically diffused the situation by telling my wife that I knew her friend from college because I had "seen her around at a few parties or whatnot". I did not want to cost my wife her new friendship over something that happened a long time ago.

 

My ex picked up on my hesitancy to reveal our old relationship so she went along with it. The next few weeks my ex apparently was dodging my wife (as my wife told me) so I decided to look up her info online and give her a call and tell her that, "my wife does not make many friends and she really likes you so let's forget about our past and you and her can just hang out". It worked and my ex and my wife slowly became good friends.

 

Over the years, my ex has been to our house many times and we spend a decent amount of time together (all three of us). The only times I am alone with my ex is when I used to jog in the morning three years ago; I would bump into my ex often and we decided to just jog together. We both live near Battery Park. My wife hated jogging but I told her about how I would jog with her friend and she trusted me.

 

Everything went well for the past few years until a month ago when someone from our law school class tagged my ex and I in a "throwback" photo cuddling intimately on facebook. My wife saw this and confronted me and I said that the picture was misleading (not sure why I lied). She then immediately called her friend and demanded to know the truth while on speaker and my ex blurted everything out.

 

My wife has been irate since then. She has accused me of having an ongoing affair behind her back and making a fool of her. She asked me why I lied and if I loved my ex. She asked me if I "screwed my ex" during those jogs or whenever. She even hit me a few times.

 

I have been staying at a hotel the last two weeks. I am not sure what to do or say. I have been talking to my ex to sort this out and my wife found out about that (looking at phone history) and automatically assumed the worst.

 

My kids are just confused so I need some advice. Is my wife justified in being angry? What can I do to defuse the situation?

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Oldliesareback

Also not sure if it matters but my wife also has deep insecurities about her looks and career prospects. She is a beautiful woman but I supposed objectively, after her pregnancies, she has gained some weight. My ex is a single woman and is very into working out/yoga so is very toned.

 

In addition, my ex is a very successful lawyer and my wife just felt she was not cut out to be a lawyer (low grades/LSAT) and not to mention her taking care of the kids at a reasonable hour.

 

These things combined made her more vulnerable to the idea of me being a cheater with her bf/my ex.

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Dude. You lied to your wife about a sexual past with her best friend, then spent time 'jogging' together, then lied again (you said you were a lawyer right :rolleyes: ?) about the 'throwback' picture, THEN to top it all off you STAYED IN TOUCH from your hotel room no less with the very source of your lies....

In your professional opinion, You tell Me, does she have a right to 'behave like this' because of all your lies? :confused:

 

?..I'd say yes. Definitely yes. You've got a lot of work ahead of you Starting with NEVER EVER TALKING TO your ex lover/jogging partner/Wife's best friend EVER AGAIN.

CiH*

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Also not sure if it matters but my wife also has deep insecurities about her looks and career prospects. She is a beautiful woman but I supposed objectively, after her pregnancies, she has gained some weight. My ex is a single woman and is very into working out/yoga so is very toned.

 

In addition, my ex is a very successful lawyer and my wife just felt she was not cut out to be a lawyer (low grades/LSAT) and not to mention her taking care of the kids at a reasonable hour.

 

These things combined made her more vulnerable to the idea of me being a cheater with her bf/my ex.

 

OMG!! Now your saying how much better looking and smart your exlover/jogging partner is than Your Wife?!!?

Let me ask you, how long have you been wanting to get back into your ex's pants? Before Your Wife had YOUR babies and trashed her body for your offspring, or after?

 

Seriously though, your argument would get you thrown out of court, do you see this yet??

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I think she is justified in being suspicious and being pissed. You went through a lot of effort and trouble to deceive her and pull one over on her. You and your ex essentially entered into a conspiracy to pull the wool over her eyes. It's amazing it lasted as long and got as in depth as it did.

 

 

I don't think you are going to be able to convince her you didn't have an affair by just talking to her. Hell I'm not even sure I believe that either.

 

 

I think you are going to have to set up some sessions with the best marital therapist money can buy and then set up a polygraph and try to convince the therapist that there wasn't a more sinister agenda to this. Perhaps if you can convince the therapist you aren't a snake in the grass he/she may be able to peel back the layers and work through this enough to convince your wife you weren't trying to pull off the biggest scam of the century.

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LivingWaterPlease

Yes, I do think your wife is justified being angry with the fact that you didn't tell her the truth when you first realized she was good friends with your exGF.

 

The only right thing to do now is to admit to your wife that you really messed up, ask her to forgive you, and remember from now on to always tell the truth.

 

Both you and your W are growing and learning. You are going to make mistakes. The most important thing you can do is to take your lumps when you make a mistake, do all you can to make it right, work through it and continue on communicating honestly.

 

If you and W always tell the truth in the kindest and most tactful way possible you will save yourselves a lot of grief in the long run.

 

Live and learn!

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Oldliesareback
OMG!! Now your saying how much better looking and smart your exlover/jogging partner is than Your Wife?!!?

Let me ask you, how long have you been wanting to get back into your ex's pants? Before Your Wife had YOUR babies and trashed her body for your offspring, or after?

 

Seriously though, your argument would get you thrown out of court, do you see this yet??

 

I was not implying that from my comments. I was simply stating that objectively, my ex is in better shape and more successful than my wife. That honestly cannot be argued against in a matter of fact. I even told my wife this when she asked.

 

However, I love my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Isn't that what is ultimately what counts?

 

As far as the lying, I agree, I can see how I was foolish to keep on denying but my intentions were honestly good. My wife does not have many friends and I did not want to cost her one. I should have came clean from the start. However, her accusing me right now about an ongoing affair is just not fair. I have been a loving husband all along (no late nights, etc.).

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Oldliesareback

The polygraph is a great idea. I honestly thought of that as well before hand. I just need my wife to start listening to me. She just hangs up the phone unless it is to do with the kids.

 

I messed up on the calls to the ex. It was honestly to see if she had heard from my wife and what was going on (they see each other at work..not that they talk anymore).

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I was not implying that from my comments. I was simply stating that objectively, my ex is in better shape and more successful than my wife. That honestly cannot be argued against in a matter of fact. I even told my wife this when she asked.

 

However, I love my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Isn't that what is ultimately what counts?

 

As far as the lying, I agree, I can see how I was foolish to keep on denying but my intentions were honestly good. My wife does not have many friends and I did not want to cost her one. I should have came clean from the start. However, her accusing me right now about an ongoing affair is just not fair. I have been a loving husband all along (no late nights, etc.).

 

But you lied AND then told her how much hotter and more successful Your ex is feeding into her insecurities. Do you do that to your ex lover? Or just the people you care about?

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Stop. Just stop talking to your ex girlfriend/jogging pal/lying partner. Like now big guy. Every conversation is proving your Wife's theory. Just STOP.

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ng?

 

I have been married to my wife for 8.5 years now. We have a son and daughter. We have been happily married with no infidelity or major arguments..until last month.

 

More than a decade ago, BEFORE I MET MY WIFE, I dated her (now) best friend for close to a year when we both were in law school in NY. It started off as a fling and then became serious but we had to end it when she moved to the west coast. I stayed in NY and started working and eventually met my wife at a bar through a coworker introducing her as a friend. She worked in another very prestigious law firm in the city as a paralegal.

 

We dated and got married two years later. As it turns out, my ex girlfriend (who I did not keep in contact with at ALL..no email, etc.) came back to the east coast and wound up working at my wife's law firm. Like something out of a movie, my wife and her became good friends and started hanging out with her. A few months later, I met my wife for drinks and was introduced to her new friend. I was speechless and so was my ex...I had not seen her in so long.

 

I knew my wife spoke highly of her new friend so I automatically diffused the situation by telling my wife that I knew her friend from college because I had "seen her around at a few parties or whatnot". I did not want to cost my wife her new friendship over something that happened a long time ago.

 

My ex picked up on my hesitancy to reveal our old relationship so she went along with it. The next few weeks my ex apparently was dodging my wife (as my wife told me) so I decided to look up her info online and give her a call and tell her that, "my wife does not make many friends and she really likes you so let's forget about our past and you and her can just hang out". It worked and my ex and my wife slowly became good friends.

 

Over the years, my ex has been to our house many times and we spend a decent amount of time together (all three of us). The only times I am alone with my ex is when I used to jog in the morning three years ago; I would bump into my ex often and we decided to just jog together. We both live near Battery Park. My wife hated jogging but I told her about how I would jog with her friend and she trusted me.

 

Everything went well for the past few years until a month ago when someone from our law school class tagged my ex and I in a "throwback" photo cuddling intimately on facebook. My wife saw this and confronted me and I said that the picture was misleading (not sure why I lied). She then immediately called her friend and demanded to know the truth while on speaker and my ex blurted everything out.

 

My wife has been irate since then. She has accused me of having an ongoing affair behind her back and making a fool of her. She asked me why I lied and if I loved my ex. She asked me if I "screwed my ex" during those jogs or whenever. She even hit me a few times.

 

I have been staying at a hotel the last two weeks. I am not sure what to do or say. I have been talking to my ex to sort this out and my wife found out about that (looking at phone history) and automatically assumed the worst.

 

My kids are just confused so I need some advice. Is my wife justified in being angry? What can I do to defuse the situation?

 

...and this folks is why lying is not good

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LivingWaterPlease

I also want to add this.

 

It sounds as if you're a fairly young man.

 

I have watched our society change over the years. It used to be that honesty was a desired trait and an asset in all dealings.

 

As things stand now, it seems that dishonesty is pervasive, even in high places. So that possibly in your youth you've never been exposed to people of integrity, being that they seem to be in short supply these days.

 

If you will allow this situation to cause you to change your moral compass and make a decision to always tell the truth in all things, both personal and in your career, you will prosper and also gain the respect of many; your family and friends, but also your colleagues.

 

Sometimes it may seem telling the truth is a foolish thing to do, but let this be a lesson to you.......telling the truth is always the best and right thing to do; and always the safe thing, even when it may not seem as if it is and even when it may be the most difficult thing to do.

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Here...

 

Put yourself in your wife's shoes.

 

You introduce her to your new best friend. This cool guy who now works at your firm. He's single, in great shape and a new partner at your law firm. He also happens to be your wife's ex-lover.

 

They go to great lengths to conceal their past relationship from you. They've also been jogging together in the morning for several years. You've been totally absent from these jogs.

 

Then some old friend tags your wife and your best friend in an intimate photo and your wife lies that the photo is misleading. You then call your best friend with your wife beside you and he finally gives you the truth about his past relationship with your wife...the relationship they've been hiding from you for years.

 

WOULD YOU NOT BE SUSPICIOUS?

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Think you just need to be 100% honest with your wife now. The only thing you have done wrong is hiding stuff from your wife and the way to fix that is to tell her everything.

 

Understand you point about ex being objectively more attractive. Just don't put it quite like that to your wife. I know what you mean; my wife has at times leg herself go a bit but I've still desired her more than any other because she's my wife and I love her. But just too hard to explain that.

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Think you just need to be 100% honest with your wife now. The only thing you have done wrong is hiding stuff from your wife and the way to fix that is to tell her everything.

 

Understand you point about ex being objectively more attractive. Just don't put it quite like that to your wife. I know what you mean; my wife has at times leg herself go a bit but I've still desired her more than any other because she's my wife and I love her. But just too hard to explain that.

 

Do you recommend OP continue his chatting up the OW or to Never contact her again as this is still fueling her suspicions, which can hardly be blamed?

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Redheaded Mistress
ng?

 

I have been married to my wife for 8.5 years now. We have a son and daughter. We have been happily married with no infidelity or major arguments..until last month.

 

More than a decade ago, BEFORE I MET MY WIFE, I dated her (now) best friend for close to a year when we both were in law school in NY. It started off as a fling and then became serious but we had to end it when she moved to the west coast. I stayed in NY and started working and eventually met my wife at a bar through a coworker introducing her as a friend. She worked in another very prestigious law firm in the city as a paralegal.

 

We dated and got married two years later. As it turns out, my ex girlfriend (who I did not keep in contact with at ALL..no email, etc.) came back to the east coast and wound up working at my wife's law firm. Like something out of a movie, my wife and her became good friends and started hanging out with her. A few months later, I met my wife for drinks and was introduced to her new friend. I was speechless and so was my ex...I had not seen her in so long.

 

I knew my wife spoke highly of her new friend so I automatically diffused the situation by telling my wife that I knew her friend from college because I had "seen her around at a few parties or whatnot". I did not want to cost my wife her new friendship over something that happened a long time ago.

 

Oh dear.

 

ex picked up on my hesitancy to reveal our old relationship so she went along with it. The next few weeks my ex apparently was dodging my wife (as my wife told me) so I decided to look up her info online and give her a call and tell her that, "my wife does not make many friends and she really likes you so let's forget about our past and you and her can just hang out". It worked and my ex and my wife slowly became good friends.

 

Oh double dear.

 

Over the years, my ex has been to our house many times and we spend a decent amount of time together (all three of us). The only times I am alone with my ex is when I used to jog in the morning three years ago; I would bump into my ex often and we decided to just jog together. We both live near Battery Park. My wife hated jogging but I told her about how I would jog with her friend and she trusted me.

 

Because when you play with fire, nothing but a blowtorch will do?

 

Everything went well for the past few years until a month ago when someone from our law school class tagged my ex and I in a "throwback" photo cuddling intimately on facebook. My wife saw this and confronted me and I said that the picture was misleading (not sure why I lied). She then immediately called her friend and demanded to know the truth while on speaker and my ex blurted everything out.

 

My wife has been irate since then.

 

You mean your wife didn't take it well being lied two by the two closest people in her circle for what sounds like months or longer? How strange... Said noone ever.

 

She has accused me of having an ongoing affair behind her back and making a fool of her. She asked me why I lied and if I loved my ex. She asked me if I "screwed my ex" during those jogs or whenever. She even hit me a few times.

 

All legitimate, except for her hitting you.

 

Even reading it out, I'm not sure if I'm buying what you're selling. It just seems such a stupid thing to lie about... Even after getting caught. The whole series of events just is so weird.

 

I have been staying at a hotel the last two weeks. I am not sure what to do or say. I have been talking to my ex to sort this out and my wife found out about that (looking at phone history) and automatically assumed the worst.

 

Well of course she assumes the worst... It's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, why would you call someone else to help save your marriage when that someone else is somebody who has been a cause of the problem to begin with? Why wouldn't you call your wife for help on what to do? It's like being at the ER with a bullet wound and calling the guy who you told to shoot you for medical advice when the doctor is right there.

 

My kids are just confused so I need some advice. Is my wife justified in being angry? What can I do to defuse the situation?

 

You look up the word 'justified' in the dictionary and there is a picture of your wife's face next to it. And short of moving to Mars, if you want to diffuse the situation, you're way too late for that.

 

Have you asked your wife what to do? Or just the lady you aren't sleeping with though your actions send a different message entirely?

 

I was not implying that from my comments. I was simply stating that objectively, my ex is in better shape and more successful than my wife. That honestly cannot be argued against in a matter of fact. I even told my wife this when she asked.

 

Which I'm sure went over like kittens, rainbows, and kisses and your wife appreciated your honesty.

 

Or she told you to see if the hotel you're at does monthly rates.

 

Because I'm sure hearing her husband saying "Trust me, that hotter, more successful girl who I used to see every morning alone, who I lied to you about knowing, dated and slept with for a year... Yeah, I'm not sleeping with her now because even though, objectively speaking, you're not as smart and kinda let yourself go after having two kids in 5 years, I love you too much." thrilled her to bits.

 

However, I love my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Isn't that what is ultimately what counts?

 

Not if she thinks you're lying. The fact a hotel has been your home for two weeks goes to show she doesn't think so either.

 

far as the lying, I agree, I can see how I was foolish to keep on denying but my intentions were honestly good. My wife does not have many friends and I did not want to cost her one. I should have came clean from the start. However, her accusing me right now about an ongoing affair is just not fair. I have been a loving husband all along (no late nights, etc.).

 

Except for this huge lie and your continued efforts to make the whole incident seem shady.

 

As far as costing her a friend, who's to say she'd want to be bosom buds with somebody who slept with her husband? And why do you think you should have the final say in her friendships?

 

As a card carrying member of the BTDT club, you couldn't have handled this any worse than you did.

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You and your ex (wife's friend) made a huge mistake by not telling her that you two dated years ago back in college. Your wife is a grown woman, not a child. You assumed she'd freak out and end the marriage? Everybody has a past and your ex is someone from your past. What would have been the big deal if you two had just told her?

 

Anyway, the lying and omitting/down playing has now made your wife doubt you and her friend. She doesn't have trust. You two made a fool of her, jogging and spending time together, no wonder your wife thinks there's more going on.

 

All you can do is apologize to her, don't justify, just make it up to her not only in words but in actions that you ARE the trustworthy man she married. This is going to take a lot of time to work through so I hope you're patient and really love your wife. You have a lot to do to regain her trust again.

Edited by whichwayisup
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As far as the lying, I agree, I can see how I was foolish to keep on denying but my intentions were honestly good.

Isn't there a road somewhere paved with good intentions?

 

Lies, secrecy, denial, outside of marriage discussions, hot ex-GF jogging partners - why would you wife think you were cheating :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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You say you love your wife. You probably would stay with her even if you had an affair. Most straying men stay out of duty and a sense of security a wife and homelife provide. Most wives don't understand that often a cheating husband still loves them and never thinks of leaving.

 

So your wife likely will never understand that to you this is harmless. So you gotta fix it from her point of view if you want to stabilize your marriage.

 

Because really, people do stray to shop around and eventually leave. So your wife has a point too. But if you know you aren't seriously shopping around but just window shopping, she has no idea which. (Unless you really are trying to leave, in which case tell her so she can prepare--you don't have to leave right away. She's an adult...she can take it.)

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But you lied AND then told her how much hotter and more successful Your ex is feeding into her insecurities. Do you do that to your ex lover? Or just the people you care about?

 

Quite!!! I bet your wife is so hurt. Why why why would you do that??? 'Objectively' has no place in this situation. Poor woman :(

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My wife tried to hide every single one of her ex's from me, including keeping in contact with some of them, and an EA (yes emotional affair) with ex one up until shortly after our marriage. Including letting me meet several of them unknowing. It destroyed what we had, and we have never been the same as husband and wife.

 

Your relationship with your EX (jogging, secrete call, agreement to hide past) is right on the borderline of an EA....but for sure it was full of lies, betrayal and disrespect to your wife. The "smell test" of anything like this - was that you and your ex decided to hide it from the get go. Your wife will not trust you. Suggest you treat this like you cheated and confess all, and provide anything she needs from you...

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gettingstronger

Yes, she has a reason to be mad-only she can decide if its a deal breaker or not- she is lost and hurting-seems she got this info at a really bad time- when she was already feeling low- I think you should give her time and space to sort through all of it-let her know you love her and how much you regret not coming clean-its obvious that you and the ex-girl friend conspired to keep your previous relationship a secret and you have to understand how much that hurts her-

 

Time and space- AND continue to be remorseful with no excuses-

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Is my wife justified in being angry?

 

absolutely she is. she now has every right to believe you wanted to reignite your old flame. i see nothing else here that says otherwise.

 

please explain why you would not say (on the ride home): "uh hon i hit that in college". then SHE could decide how to move forward.

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Yes, she has a reason to be mad-only she can decide if its a deal breaker or not- she is lost and hurting-seems she got this info at a really bad time- when she was already feeling low- I think you should give her time and space to sort through all of it-let her know you love her and how much you regret not coming clean-its obvious that you and the ex-girl friend conspired to keep your previous relationship a secret and you have to understand how much that hurts her-

 

Time and space- AND continue to be remorseful with no excuses-

 

...and no more talking to your ex g/f!

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Wow, who'd have thought that professional people could be so dumb?

 

The big question is why you didn't tell your wife that her new best friend was an ex?

 

What you omitted to say, but what your wife picked up on, was that you wanted to see your ex on a regular basis and being honest with her would have stopped that. You did not tell your wife about your ex because you worried about her poor social circle, but because you wanted to see your ex! You are kidding no one but yourself here.

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