Rin Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I was with my fiance for 3 years, I have recently found out he has had some skeletons in his closet. Before we started dating he had been cheated on by his ex girlfriend multiple times, abused, and overall very closed off. After he and his ex girlfriend split, he found out she had posted numerous pornographic videos of herself online. He found out by his friends sending him the links, he was devastated. It took a long time for him to open up to me, and when we did we were inseparable. When we were together for 6 months, I found out he still had nude photos of his ex girlfriend. He refused to delete them, after a fight he finally did. He then knew how I felt, and how I felt it was unfaithful behavior to hold on to naked photos of someone he's slept with. (Porn is OK!) We were fine after that, didn't have many issues. I recently found out that throughout our relationship he has been looking up and watching his ex girlfriends porn videos. She has 5. (Amateur, self posted) He claims he stopped looking at the video for "sexual reasons" after a year together. And after that he would only look at the video to see the comments that he got. He is essentially sugarcoating his words and trying to make himself look like the good guy. No man goes on his ex girlfriends porn video to just look at comments. No respectable man looks at said video while with a woman he claims he wants to marry. He told me that he doesn't believe doing this was the least bit unfaithful. I disagree. I feel betrayed, and cheated. I guess I want to see if anyone has any opinions or experience on a similar matter. Would you deem this behavior as unfaithful? Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 That's fked up. With all the porn out there he is purposely hunting down his exes. I think he has unresolved feelings for her and that's not cool. I'm not too okay with porn in general but DEFINITELY NOT with ex gf porn. What did he say when you asked why he was purposely searching out HER porn instead of general porn? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rin Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 He'd say anything to get himself out of trouble. He says he'd look because she hurt him badly and it made him feel better to know he did better, that she has turned into someone promiscuous. That he wasn't the "bad guy she made him out to be in the end." Then he claims it made him feel better to see the hateful comments she would receive. But yes, even hate is still a feeling towards an ex, and if its that strong, then he shouldn't be considering marrying me. Realistically, any man looking, and searching for his ex's porn video, isn't just going to look at the comments. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 He'd say anything to get himself out of trouble. He says he'd look because she hurt him badly and it made him feel better to know he did better, that she has turned into someone promiscuous. That he wasn't the "bad guy she made him out to be in the end." Then he claims it made him feel better to see the hateful comments she would receive. But yes, even hate is still a feeling towards an ex, and if its that strong, then he shouldn't be considering marrying me. Realistically, any man looking, and searching for his ex's porn video, isn't just going to look at the comments. I would tell him "I'm sorry but I'm not interested in marrying someone who has such strong feelings (good or bad) for their ex." I mean seriously someone who insists that they hate their ex so much is really just saying "I love my ex". :sick: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 He hasn't cut his ex off. Ask him what he truly feels about her, and if he won't let this go, I'm afraid you should let go of him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 He's a guy. And he is going to watch that video 10000 more times over the course of his lif whether you like it or not. If you had a video of yourself and an old beau out there on the net, you'd probably check it out once in awhile too. The fact is we all think about exes from time to time and sometimes "fondly" if you get my meaning. Perfectly normal. Only this guy has a video to go with it. I think you need to decide for yourself whether this issue is something you can handle or not. Because i promise you its an uphill swim otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 but it is not cheating...... Féd up, unresolved issues, living in the past,still holding a torch..... Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Wa-a-a-it a minute. It's not just any porn. It's someone he slept with. And not only that, it's his ex gf someone who rejected him, fked with his head, made him feel inadequate and then did it some more. So now, he's having sex with her again mentally. Besides that, he's lying. He's keeping secrets. And she said how she felt about it. How's that not cheating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Are these actual sex videos of him and her together or her and other guys (or gals) or just her by herself? Either way, this may be a situation where it is a matter of degrees. Him taking a peek once in a blue moon to see if she's put out any new material is probably normal and will cause no harm and isn't an issue unless you make it one. If he is checking up every day and crying himself to sleep at night and pining over her then you have a big problem. It all depends on where things lay in the spectrum between those two extremes. I have some private pics and vids of my wife and I and I will keep them locked in a safe until I die (the kids are going to be in for quite the schlock some day LOL) If she were to die or divorce and I were to remarry, I would honor my new wife but I would never destroy the pics/vids. I'd be as discrete and compassionate as I could but I'd never get rid of them. I would do my best to make sure she didn't know about them but if she found out, I'd do my best to make sure she wasn't inconvenienced by them either. This is all about degrees and context. It's unrealistic to think that a guy will NEVER take a peek at on old GF. But it is quite realistic and necessary to leave the past in the past and focus 99.999% of your energies on the partner in the present. If he is spending more than 1% of his time and energies on any old GF, it might be worth reevaluating the relationship. If he is spending less than 0.1% on her, it may be best to just have a don't ask/don't tell policy and let him be a guy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 He'd say anything to get himself out of trouble. He says he'd look because she hurt him badly and it made him feel better to know he did better, that she has turned into someone promiscuous. That he wasn't the "bad guy she made him out to be in the end." Then he claims it made him feel better to see the hateful comments she would receive. But yes, even hate is still a feeling towards an ex, and if its that strong, then he shouldn't be considering marrying me. Realistically, any man looking, and searching for his ex's porn video, isn't just going to look at the comments. Put your wedding on hold. Fact is, it seems he's still not over the ex, or the pain she caused him. if he was really over her, he'd not search for her online, she wouldn't be in his thoughts at all. He's not indifferent at all, you're right. He is immature and has emotional baggage from his past and now you have to deal with it. Makes for an unhealthy relationship! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 When Facebook hit the scene, everyone I knew immediately looked up everyone they had ever dated back to kindergarten, and then went through 1000 pictures. If there were sex videos... lets just say that Facebook stock would be trading at about 1500.00 a share! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rin Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 @oldshirt It was videos of herself she posted. Nothing new since. He has been going back to the videos throughout our relationship. It wasn't a once in a blue moon kind of deal, which upsets me. He claims he keeps going back on the porn website to see the "comments people leave". I know that is a lie. He knew how I felt when I discussed having her nudes, and he chose to go behind my back and look at her videos. I feel very betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I can understand how you'd feel betrayed. I can also see why you don't think it unreasonable for him to get his porn jollies elsewhere. To him, it's not his problem, it's yours. I think if you're going to go through with a marriage with this guy, you're going to have to accept that he'll be popping in to watch his ex from time to time, as he doesn't seem willing to stop; Marriage/dating, or not. If that's unacceptable to you, I'd call the whole thing off. If you go along and marry him, you're going to have to shut up and color. If this isn't settled prior to marriage, you're basically telling him you're fine with it. It's really your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 3 years and still not over his ex. Lying. Not respecting what you want, not willing to do these things for you. I know it's easier said than done but this is a look into your future. It is cheating, it may not be physical but it's certainly emotional and mental. Unless he speaks to a therapist and works on his issues, do not marry him. You shouldn't have to be dragging him kicking and screaming to do these things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 @oldshirt It was videos of herself she posted. Nothing new since. He has been going back to the videos throughout our relationship. It wasn't a once in a blue moon kind of deal, which upsets me. He claims he keeps going back on the porn website to see the "comments people leave". I know that is a lie. He knew how I felt when I discussed having her nudes, and he chose to go behind my back and look at her videos. I feel very betrayed. Personally, I don't think it's cheating per se. Dysfunctional, maladaptive and sad for sure, but not cheating. The fact that he's still putting all this time and energy into such a toxic endeavor is what is problematic. It's not cheating because it's not being reciprocated by his ex GF and it's not interactive with her. It's just him pining and perving over her vids. It's not cheating, it's just creepy, psycho and pathetic. In fact if she was reciprocating and carrying on with him somehow, that would make sense and be understandable. .....this is just plain nutty and creepy. Even though I do not believe this to be cheating, I agree with the others that you should put any future plans on hold until this is either resolved completely or is determined to be unresolvable in which case the best course of action would be to wish him well and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I don't think this is cheating. I do think it's disrespectful towards the woman when a man seeks out any porn, or goes to strip clubs. I'm a fuddy duddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 When we were together for 6 months, I found out he still had nude photos of his ex girlfriend. He refused to delete them, after a fight he finally did. He then knew how I felt, and how I felt it was unfaithful behavior to hold on to naked photos of someone he's slept with. (Porn is OK!) Cheating? Not technically... But It's a glaring sign he's not over her and you're wasting your time. And it is trashy and disrespectful to both you and her. We were fine after that, didn't have many issues. I recently found out that throughout our relationship he has been looking up and watching his ex girlfriends porn videos. She has 5. (Amateur, self posted) He claims he stopped looking at the video for "sexual reasons" after a year together. And after that he would only look at the video to see the comments that he got. He is essentially sugarcoating his words and trying to make himself look like the good guy. No man goes on his ex girlfriends porn video to just look at comments. No respectable man looks at said video while with a woman he claims he wants to marry. He told me that he doesn't believe doing this was the least bit unfaithful. I disagree. I feel betrayed, and cheated. I agree, he isn't cheating, but he is behaving in a way that's not respectful or acceptable. He's clearly not over her and if you stay with him, you're in for a lifetime of heartache. He's not into you like he is her. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and leave now. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Tough ! I made my fiance, now wife purge some photos of certain ex's (not nude !). But the temptation to view normal pictures on line (FB, etc) is tough enough - I mean many people take a peak at ex's that way. But to have nude videos of your ex's on line available any time - how to control that looking? It is disrespectful and disturbing for him to do this....and it is cheating - IF - you decide this is a boundary for you and your relationship and tell him so. But how to control that temptation to click a key and see a video of your ex. Wow, he has unresolved issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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