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My MOM? A Cheater?


newnameforthis

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newnameforthis

Something over 6 months ago I started a thread with this title. I just tried to update it, but it was locked, as it was too old. Here it is:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/467123-my-mom-cheater

 

This is my update that I tried to post to that thread:

 

I talked with my mom again recently, and she shared something new, which further upset me, so I decided to come back and find this thread.

 

A few weeks ago, my parents were back in the "big city" for some errands. On the way home, they stopped at a liquor store so my dad could get some special wine for making gravy. Marsala? He went in, mom waited in the car.

 

A few minutes later, Dad came out with the wine, and set it on the hood of the car. He held up a finger, like "just 1 minute" and went back in. Moments later she sees Dad and another man come banging out the front door. Dad has hold of this man by his tie, pulling him out of the store. There's lots of commotion and yelling, and Dad ends up slinging this guy down to the ground.

 

The man starts to get up, then dad says something like "Not so tough and smart now?" and shoves him back down. Mom has no idea what's happening, but dad is motioning to her to stay in the car. She said Dad was kind of looming over this guy and told him to either get up and fight or stay down.

 

Dad then tells this man again to either get up and "take what's coming to you" or stay down. The man stays down, and is saying, "I know you're mad, and I apologize". Then, my mom realizes this the the OM. (They are only about a mile from where he now works.) She couldn't even recognize him. Said he looked old and scared.

 

Dad then called him a "pathetic (blank) coward", picked up the wine, and got in the car. He says, "whatever it is, I don't want to hear it" and they head home. My mom said she felt like she was going to be sick, and they even had to pull over the car once. She didn't want to talk much about it, or them, just sad Dad now wishes he'd have done more. She thinks dad actually realized he'd hurt this guy and be in trouble, so he controlled himself.

 

The whole situation has become kind of an elephant in the room, I guess. They don't talk about it, but have monitored the court records to see if anything is filed. Nothing so far. They live in a different county now, so if a warrant were issued, its not likely they'd try to find him.

 

I don't know if this is good or bad. I really just wish I didn't know, because now I'm kind of mad at mom all the time. I wish I'd just never asked if something was going on. The whole thing, I don't know. It pisses me off. She should have never told me.

 

Not sure why I wanted to post this, or if I'll be back. Just to illustrate how bad this is, I suppose. I am NOT going to intrude, and don't want to hear that.

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Just like to say that I am sorry that your are in the outside peeking in. Your dad showed quite some restraint even though some would say he gave in by simply

putting his hands on him.

 

Just like to note that the ignorance that your parents show towards the predicament ( elephant in the room) is one of the contributing reasons to their lagging development ( just presuming that it's lagging) from getting past the affair.

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i definately like your dad. A little force was needed, and a little force was applied.

 

Did your mom really get sick, or was she faking it. I would think seeing her husband kicking this guy's azz would have upped your dad's sex ranking considerably. I bet they had some hot sex that night.

 

Maybe you can try to find out why your mom felt the need to cheat in the first place? buy them both a present, buy them copies of "the five love languages" and have them start relearning how to talk to each other.

 

But be prepared, a lot of men in your dad's position would divorce your mom. Her being the cheater, she had better be doing some heavy lifting to try to get him to love and trust her again.

 

Is this recent cheating, or from 20 years ago (like you say in your other thread)? if it is 20 years....obviously it has never been satisfactorily put to bed by dad. or did he just find out about a 20 year old affair?

Edited by spanz1
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As mentioned in the other thread...for your dad the affair happened just recently - when he found out. Even if it was 20 years ago, this is happening to him now. I hope your mom confesses all to him, no more lies, hiding details. Full confession.

 

Cops are tough guys, but most know how to control and manage violence, You dad is to be commended for controlling his. I hope he is controlling his physical side with your mom as well.

 

It sounds like your dad is using physical outlets (punch bag, beating trees and tractors) to vent, and that's good. I suspect conventional marriage therapy might not be the thing for him. However I worry like many BS - he is focusing anger on the AP and not their cheating spouse.

 

It is tough as a adult to cope with our parents flaws. Mine are passed now - but there was cheating, bad behavior, and bad parenting and so much more with mine. I would say that perhaps like your mom - they grew up alot later in life, I know my dad was very remorseful for his cheating and horrible actions all that time ago. I take peace that the last part of his life he regretted who he was back then and tried so hard so many times to apologize to me and the family. I was glad to have been able to listen to him and offer my forgiveness as he did right by me later in life. I hope you too find some forgiveness for your mom, I know this is all fresh and shocking to you to - even though you were just three. Your mom is different now, but she is facing up to who she was to you and her husband now. Tough for all. So sorry.

 

but why do you think your dad has not divorced your mom? Does he perhaps see a different woman than she was when she cheated? Loyalty ? Your mom as written and talked to you about it - has your dad said anything to you? I agree not your place to intervene, but as someone who lost their parents, I think it is a good thing to offer to listen as you are an adult now. A daughters love and respect...can mean so much to a father (i know). Just offer your dad that - an ear, and love.

Edited by dichotomy
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newnameforthis
Please send me your Dads address. I want to send him a beer and a handshake.

 

Just the kind of thing he'd go in for.

 

This, and the other responses have been a nice reaction. People that get it.

 

About the comment of my mom getting sick, I completely believe it. That's been her reaction thru this whole thing. She's sick, and in disbelief about what she's done. She says she was stupid, and a little crazy-acting. I cannot remember how things were, but I know she's really sorry. Knowing that helps, but still I'm upset and let down.

To answer a couple other questions together, I don't know about divorce. I can't think about it, it just seems crazy. They've always got along well, and have fun together. Anyone can have fun with my dad. He did just find about about this thing that happened over 20 years ago. He's already in his early-retirement mode, had all these plans laid out. That's probably why he is so mad. No chance of another woman, I don't want to think about that either.

Oh, the "elephant" I was talking about was the fight outside the liquor store. My mom told me months ago that they've talked ALOT about the other stuff. Lots of yelling by dad, but definitely nothing physical toward her.

 

Actually, dad has seemed a little more excited lately about some of his projects he has going. He's called me more, rather than just emailing.

Edited by newnameforthis
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Doesn't matter when it happened. He found out he spent 20 years with a liar. I do hope he'll make up his mind and get away from your mother, he needn't waste any more time of his life.

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Doesn't matter when it happened. He found out he spent 20 years with a liar. I do hope he'll make up his mind and get away from your mother, he needn't waste any more time of his life.

 

Yes. Throw away all the good years in light of a mistake twenty years ago. What solid, great advice!! Jesus. You must live in lala land.

 

How about working on the solid life they have had since?

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peaksandvalleys
Yes. Throw away all the good years in light of a mistake twenty years ago. What solid, great advice!! Jesus. You must live in lala land.

 

How about working on the solid life they have had since?

 

How does he know it was solid? He feels he is married to a liar. I don't know if he should leave or not. I know I would/did say to hell with this. What part of his life is built on truth and what part is built on her lies?

 

Congrats to your dad for his constraint. He has my sympathy for the confusion he is now dealing with.

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How does he know it was solid? He feels he is married to a liar. I don't know if he should leave or not. I know I would/did say to hell with this. What part of his life is built on truth and what part is built on her lies?

 

Congrats to your dad for his constraint. He has my sympathy for the confusion he is now dealing with.

 

Look, they remained married for 20 years after the A. I do understand it is all new for the BS, don't necessarily agree with the children being involved, but just flippantly saying "throw it all away and dump your wife" is extreme.

 

Just as you said I do not know if it was solid, neither does the previous poster if it was all garbage. So... let us try to give advice without giving end scenarios. Lots of space to cover between where the BS is now and divorce.

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Seeing as neither the father nor mother are posting, advising divorce is totally irrelevant. The OP cannot make that decision for them.

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Just as you said I do not know if it was solid, neither does the previous poster if it was all garbage.

 

Nothing solid about being lied to every single day for the last 20 years. Might actually make it worse instead of better because it is so long ago.

 

 

Not that I am reading divorce in this or previous thread. And sh*t, can't say I know what I would have done.

 

 

Anyway OP, grats to your dad for both what he has done and in showing restraint, must have been very satisfying. He sounds like a real standup guy :)

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peaksandvalleys
Look, they remained married for 20 years after the A. I do understand it is all new for the BS, don't necessarily agree with the children being involved, but just flippantly saying "throw it all away and dump your wife" is extreme.

 

Just as you said I do not know if it was solid, neither does the previous poster if it was all garbage. So... let us try to give advice without giving end scenarios. Lots of space to cover between where the BS is now and divorce.

 

 

It is new for the BS and therefore all those years and mainly the good things disappear from vision in the confusion. I do know this from experience. Throw all what away? A spouse holding a secret that might have changed life decisions? One does not have to agree with the children being involved as long as it isn't your family or your children. Everyone does not see that the same way either.

 

I would think the poster you are referring to is giving advice based on their life experience and how they see the world. Just as you do to all the young women involved with MM based on your personal experience and points of view.

 

As Anne said the father isn't here reading so get in wound up over a individuals opinion of leaving is irrelevant.

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After any affair some real fundamental questions come up "who I am married to?" "Do they really love me? "Do I not fullfill them?" "is there something missing - something the AP provides/ed?"

 

All these things must come up now for her father. The answer "but I stayed married to you all these years" is not the answer to the question above as people stay married for other less loving or desirable reasons.

 

Thing is - as many of us know - could be years and years of this anguish and turmoil. For many of us- all the assumptions we had about our spouse - are unclear and unknown.

 

Again - for the OP, with a good father hurting and parents in turmoil...just tell him you love him - he knows this for sure and it is a solid thing in times of turmoil to have a childs love.

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Yes. Throw away all the good years in light of a mistake twenty years ago. What solid, great advice!! Jesus. You must live in lala land.

 

How about working on the solid life they have had since?

 

Yes, even if its all built on lies, I should definitely stick to it because really, there's nothing else in this world worth living for than the person that claims to love me dearly despite at least 1 affair. #sarcasm

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Something over 6 months ago I started a thread with this title. I just tried to update it, but it was locked, as it was too old. Here it is:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/467123-my-mom-cheater

 

This is my update that I tried to post to that thread:

 

I talked with my mom again recently, and she shared something new, which further upset me, so I decided to come back and find this thread.

 

A few weeks ago, my parents were back in the "big city" for some errands. On the way home, they stopped at a liquor store so my dad could get some special wine for making gravy. Marsala? He went in, mom waited in the car.

 

A few minutes later, Dad came out with the wine, and set it on the hood of the car. He held up a finger, like "just 1 minute" and went back in. Moments later she sees Dad and another man come banging out the front door. Dad has hold of this man by his tie, pulling him out of the store. There's lots of commotion and yelling, and Dad ends up slinging this guy down to the ground.

 

The man starts to get up, then dad says something like "Not so tough and smart now?" and shoves him back down. Mom has no idea what's happening, but dad is motioning to her to stay in the car. She said Dad was kind of looming over this guy and told him to either get up and fight or stay down.

 

Dad then tells this man again to either get up and "take what's coming to you" or stay down. The man stays down, and is saying, "I know you're mad, and I apologize". Then, my mom realizes this the the OM. (They are only about a mile from where he now works.) She couldn't even recognize him. Said he looked old and scared.

 

Dad then called him a "pathetic (blank) coward", picked up the wine, and got in the car. He says, "whatever it is, I don't want to hear it" and they head home. My mom said she felt like she was going to be sick, and they even had to pull over the car once. She didn't want to talk much about it, or them, just sad Dad now wishes he'd have done more. She thinks dad actually realized he'd hurt this guy and be in trouble, so he controlled himself.

 

The whole situation has become kind of an elephant in the room, I guess. They don't talk about it, but have monitored the court records to see if anything is filed. Nothing so far. They live in a different county now, so if a warrant were issued, its not likely they'd try to find him.

 

I don't know if this is good or bad. I really just wish I didn't know, because now I'm kind of mad at mom all the time. I wish I'd just never asked if something was going on. The whole thing, I don't know. It pisses me off. She should have never told me.

 

Not sure why I wanted to post this, or if I'll be back. Just to illustrate how bad this is, I suppose. I am NOT going to intrude, and don't want to hear that.

 

 

If someone writes in here and says they found out someone was screwing their spouse and they feeling like punching out the AP, we are all somewhat obligated to discourage violence or anything innately illegal.

 

But since this is all 3rd party reporting GOOD FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

 

I would've paid good money to see that. If more BSs did that, there would be a whole lot less adultery in the world.

 

 

And yeah, your mom may have been a little disconcerted sitting there in the parking lot watching it unfold but I'd bet my last dollar her panties were soaked and was dripping down her legs in the car and I'd bet my last penny she rode him like a stolen horse that night when they got home.

 

Don't let her tales of concern over him getting in trouble concern you either. She loved it and her jay jay was probably wetter than it's been in many years and he felt like a million bucks too getting to kick that guys ass.

 

Any other BSs reading that wishes they could've done the same thing.

 

What is priceless out of this story is what was probably going through the OMs mind at that moment. He has probably been feeling all smug and cocky thinking he got some free poontang and got away with it all these years and now he gets his ass kicked right out on Main Street and got what he's had coming for 20 years.

 

This is a victory story. This the good guy getting his day in court.

 

The OM is not going to breathe a word of this to anyone so you can stop trying to look up court records. He's going to tuck his tail up between his legs and slink back under his rock and pray he never encounters your dad again.

 

Even if by some weird fluke charges did get filed, your dad would gladly pay the fine and rake the leaves in the park for his day of community service and he'd do it with a smile on his face the whole day.

 

Don't let anyone kid you or blow political correctness sunshine up your butt, Tossing that piece of crap around gave your dad the biggest hard on of his life. That was more therapeutic than any marriage counseling could ever offer.

 

He felt like a man again. He'll do one of two things because of it. One is he took your mom home and bent her over, pulled her hair and layed the lumber to her like a porn star and took a few huge steps towards forgiving her and putting it all in the past.

 

...or it gave him the giblets to kick the cheat'n ho out and move on with his own life.

 

Either way he's good with it. Justice has been served.

 

Thanks for the update. This is the best story anyone has told on the infidelity page in years :-D

 

 

(Ps - sorry about all the graphic imagery of your folks' Sexlife. I know no one wants to think of their parents as sexual beings but just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't a fire in the furnace).

Edited by oldshirt
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I don't know if this is good or bad

 

 

it's good. It's all good, there is nothing bad here.

 

It was a chance encounter. God wanted it to happen.

 

Your dad did not track him down so there was no stalking or premeditation.

 

He did not actually harm the guy so there is no actual felony crime. The absolute worst that could happen is some relatively small fine and a day or two of community service (and that is if the prosecutor and judge were in really bad moods and really wanted to make an example of him)

 

 

 

. I really just wish I didn't know, because now I'm kind of mad at mom all the time. I wish I'd just never asked if something was going on. The whole thing, I don't know. It pisses me off. She should have never told me.

 

 

you are right, this was her cross to bare and she had no right to burden you with it. She just wanted to cry on someone's shoulder to lessen her burden. That's what best friends, counselors, clergy etc are for. You don't burden your children with your dirty laundry.

 

Not sure why I wanted to post this, or if I'll be back. Just to illustrate how bad this is, I suppose.

 

naw, you wanted to brag on the old man a little and that was fair. Y'all deserved it :-)

 

 

 

 

 

I am NOT going to intrude, and don't want to hear that

 

I think that is wise. There is nothing you can do that will actually help this situation but there are a thousand and one ways you can make it a lot worse. They are a big boy and girl and can manage their own dirty linen. They are in professional counseling so it is being addressed.

 

Your job is to love, honor and respect them both but to stay out of their bedroom and their personal affairs ( no pun intended)

 

 

 

.

 

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Yes. Throw away all the good years in light of a mistake twenty years ago. What solid, great advice!! Jesus. You must live in lala land.

 

How about working on the solid life they have had since?

 

 

 

Not saying divorce is the only course. Regardless of how good the last nineteen years were. It is that for twenty years this BH has been forced to live a lie.

 

 

He through no choice of his own has been placed where now he does not know what to believe.

 

 

I don't blame him with the way WW's trickle truth.

Edited by road
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Doesn't matter when it happened. He found out he spent 20 years with a liar. I do hope he'll make up his mind and get away from your mother, he needn't waste any more time of his life.

 

I agree with you. OP's Dad wasted 20 years with a cheater and a liar. He was living a life that turned out to be a lie. He was betrayed, used and humiliated.

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And yeah, your mom may have been a little disconcerted sitting there in the parking lot watching it unfold but I'd bet my last dollar her panties were soaked and was dripping down her legs in the car and I'd bet my last penny she rode him like a stolen horse that night when they got home.

Eww. NO kid of any age wants to know details of their parents sex life, let alone think of it! :sick:

 

OM won't press charges, he knows not to. Not because your dad is a retired police officer, just because...

 

Your parents have a way of coping and maybe in time they will talk about it all. Their marital issues one way or another will be solved. Neither of them will want to live life walking on egg shells and avoiding the elephant in the room.

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Man Mountain Makino
What is priceless out of this story is what was probably going through the OMs mind at that moment. He has probably been feeling all smug and cocky thinking he got some free poontang and got away with it all these years and now he gets his ass kicked right out on Main Street and got what he's had coming for 20 years.s

 

I think you have an overactive imagination. I doubt this was going through the guy's mind.

 

Personally, I'd never fight over a woman, I thinkiit's one of the dumbest thing a man can do..

 

Probably the worst thing you can do to him is just let him have her. Now she will be wondering in the back of her mind if you ever truly valued and loved her, and he will wonder why you didn't seem to care that she's his problem now. If you are a good enough actor, he will be concerned that you seemed relieved to be rid of her.

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Eww. NO kid of any age wants to know details of their parents sex life, let alone think of it! :sick:

 

. Neither of them will want to live life walking on egg shells and avoiding the elephant in the room.

 

yes there is an ewww factor involved here. But in reality parents are into sex...otherwise you would not be in this world.

 

 

and in your case, your mom is considerably kinkier than you thought. So to understand this all and help, you need to be able to talk to her about such sexual things without condescention or hangups

 

 

You should find out why she felt she had to cheat. Figure out how many men she cheated with (it is very likely to be more than this one man), and how long this affair went on (once 20 years ago is not very believable..more likely it went on for years without your father knowing).

 

 

Only when the truth is out can you give honest and helpful advice.

 

 

So...talk with mom, find out the truth, and see if there is anything you can do to help them mend.

 

 

If dad just found out about it, the affair might have been just last month as far as he is concerned....he is going to be really raw about it for the next year! mom has to reconcile this with all her heart and effort. Her saying "it was 20 years ago, why does it matter any more" types of attitude will just infuriate dad.

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Redheaded Mistress

I don't know why the assumption that his mother was driven into a sexual frenzy over what happened... By needing to throw up, I'd wonder if she still had feelings for the OM. Or if she reached out to him to apologize and offer pity, which leaves the door open to something more. By some of the things the OP has said about their mother, it almost seems she still (at the very least) has a soft spot for him.

 

Besides, not every woman finds this kind of behavior a turn-on... I know I wouldn't find it a turn-on at all. I'd be absolutely appalled and would consider leaving most likely.

Edited by Redheaded Mistress
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and in your case, your mom is considerably kinkier than you thought. So to understand this all and help, you need to be able to talk to her about such sexual things without condescention or hangups

 

 

You should find out why she felt she had to cheat. Figure out how many men she cheated with (it is very likely to be more than this one man), and how long this affair went on (once 20 years ago is not very believable..more likely it went on for years without your father knowing).

 

 

Only when the truth is out can you give honest and helpful advice.

 

 

So...talk with mom, find out the truth, and see if there is anything you can do to help them mend.

 

 

.

 

 

 

I disagree pretty strongly about this. That is the job for the therapist to address, never the child.

 

 

Children should never be put in the position of addressing the parents sexual issues - nope, never.

 

 

The parents are adults and this is the bed they made and they need to deal with it themselves and clean their own house, not have their children clean up their messes.

 

 

Children never have any business in mom and dad's bedroom. I doesn't matter if the child is 5 or 35, the bedroom door is off limits.

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