What now?

[gettingoverit719]

Last time I posted here was seven years ago. My husband cheated on me with a coworker. We decided to try and work on our marriage. We had our ups and our downs since. Our biggest problem, when we disagree or I tell him what's bothering me, I get ignored for days. A few weeks ago, he accidentally butt dialed me at work. I was at my job, so his entire conversation was on my voice mail. He is normally a more quiet person at home, not a big talker. I listened to his voice mail, he was talking to a coworker, ( when he cheated on me it was with a person of a different race) he works in a big factory. A woman walked by, and he tells his coworker that's what he likes. He starts walking behind this woman telling her ( yelling) I'm a creep, I'm keeping up on you. Needless to say, I'm still in shock hearing my husband talk this way, yelling this as he is up on her. I feel so disrespected. I do not have problems with people of different races. The problem I'm having is the fact that I'm not that race, and apparently that's what he likes, because it's what he said to his coworker. That, and the way he acted. The one thing I do laugh about, he tried to deny it was him at first. Like I don't know his voice after 25 years. This is eating me up. I can't get past this. Now what?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well your trust in him is destroyed, and the questionable voice mail can be concidered a job issue in brought up to a manager. With proper testimony from effected coworker, he may be released from his duty, or be placed in a different field of work while on probation. Obviously, he is a different person with you, and it is unsettling you so much, that your never going to get over it. Think about taking care of yourself both emotionally and care to your needs, as you contemplate separation and how to move on in resolution. I cannot say which direction you will go, but all you can do in the right direction is be strong and do what is best for yourself.

[gettingoverit719]

Thanks for your reply. I think I've forgotten how to take care of me. What I mean by that is, I am attractive, I have a good job, but I have always put his needs first. I work 40+ hours a week, but still get up with him, make him a hot breakfast everyday, pack his lunch etc.... I guess I have revolved my life around him. I'm always the one who tries to make things right. I have a lot of thinking to do. The part that makes it hard, even with all that happened, I love him.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Thanks for your reply. I think I've forgotten how to take care of me. What I mean by that is, I am attractive, I have a good job, but I have always put his needs first. I work 40+ hours a week, but still get up with him, make him a hot breakfast everyday, pack his lunch etc.... I guess I have revolved my life around him. I'm always the one who tries to make things right. I have a lot of thinking to do. The part that makes it hard, even with all that happened, I love him.

 

I know it is difficult to detach a bond even from being hurt. Partially in being in fear, on set of being alone and feeling lost in just thinking of departure. You deserve better, as you should see him as a close friend but not as the person you trusted and loved in marriage. Those days are over, and must be let go to see what lays before you.

[BetrayedH]

The part that makes it hard, even with all that happened, I love him.

 

I doubt that. You love who you thought he was. You're in love with a fantasy.

 

The real "man" you have there is one that still brazenly runs around sexually harrassing the women at work even after he's been caught having an affair with one of them.

[No Limit]

This isn't love, it's co-dependancy and the fear of the unknown. If you don't consider your own life to be worth a little bit more than waste for a cheating liar to do with as he pleases, then I'm sorry for you.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I dunno.. if my wife heard half the crap me and my buddies say when our wives aren't around she'd probably throw up.

 

Sometimes it's just harmless fun.

 

Not to make light of your situation, but are you telling me you and your lady friends never got together and talked about Antonio Banderes, or Denzel Washington or whoever?

 

We need to keep in mind that we are human beings, dealing wiht other human beings here. I swear, some of the self righteousness on this site really takes away from what could be some real healing help.

 

Wayward Spouse accidentally spill some coffee in your new truck? Clearly she doesn't respect you of your values, so you should dump her! lol. Come on...

being cheated on hurts and sucks, but honestly....sometimes I think we expect too much.

[gettingoverit719]

When you write how your wife would respond if she heard how you and the guys talk when away from your spouse, do you mean to other women, or among yourselves?

[TrustedthenBusted]

When you write how your wife would respond if she heard how you and the guys talk when away from your spouse, do you mean to other women, or among yourselves?

 

 

Probably both. I mean, some of the stuff me and my buddies talk about in the garage is just that...garage talk. Vulgar jokes, celebrity fantasies, shenanigans, ballyhoo, etc. She wouldn't like it, but come on.... we're guys, and it's how we socialize.

 

And to other women... I mean... hard to say. I've always been very social, and am known for a certain sense of humor. Would my wife appreciate EVERYTHING I say to some of gals at work? Most definitely not.

 

But it's just in fun. Never offended anyone, or crossed any lines that I feel are inappropriate.

[gettingoverit719]

It hasn't offended your wife because she hasn't heard it. It's one thing to hang out in the garage talking, and it's another to say vulgar things to other women when your wife isn't around. How would you feel if she acted that way around other men and you heard? Would it all be in fun then?

[gettingoverit719]

I'm beginning to think I'm one of very few people who believe in honesty and trust in a marriage. I don't understand why people have such a hard time keeping their promises and vows together. I get hit on constantly, I honestly don't care if other men find me attractive, they don't interest me, my husband does. What's so hard about it?

[TrustedthenBusted]

It hasn't offended your wife because she hasn't heard it. It's one thing to hang out in the garage talking, and it's another to say vulgar things to other women when your wife isn't around. How would you feel if she acted that way around other men and you heard? Would it all be in fun then?

 

Well clearly she DID act that way, and let it go too far, so I totally get that there needs to be respect, and boundaries. I get where you are coming from, and given the situation, he is acting inappropriately, or at least not taking his promised change in character to heart.

 

I just piped in because I think we have a tendency to think that after a betrayal, our spouses should be expected to join the priesthood or convent. That is setting ourselves up for disappointment. They are still who they were, only now they should have a clear understanding of where the appropriate boundaries are.

[BetrayedH]

only now they should have a clear understanding of where the appropriate boundaries are.

 

See, that's the thing. The guy has had a good 5 years to learn something about boundaries and hasn't. His wife reconciled with him after he had a workplace affair, had respect for his long career there and agreed to let him stay in the job, and he still can't have decent boundaries with women at work.