back. with an update. and a story of NC breach.

[Lillyfree]

hello everyone, it's been a while.

 

i've stayed away as all the stories started to depress me too much. considering i was concentrating on sorting out my marriage and healing after the A, i felt it was taking me backwards, so i took a break even though i wanted to help others, just like i've been helped.

 

there have been ups and downs. it took a lot of work, a lot of effort both from myself and my husband. but we're getting there. it's finally looking up.

 

more than the feelgood story about my M - something i wanted to share that could give some hope to those thinking about stopping their A or struggling in the early stages.

 

CM contacted me recently. you can imagine my shock when i saw him pop up with 'hai'. that was it. hai :/

(and before anyone asks, yes he was blocked. due to me combining my social media accounts he became unblocked.)

i know i shouldn't have replied but i did. asked him how he was doing. how work was, life in general.

turns out he did end up moving to my city, about a year ago. didn't want to contact me because he thought i hated him and wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. life was ok, but he was 'still dealing with things'. and so on

 

i just politely said that i'm glad he's taken steps to better his life, and that i hope he works out whatever there is to still work out. wished him all the best.

 

ANYWAY... on and on he went. in the end asking me to meet up. i just laughed to myself a little. i wasn't even angry, just plain felt sorry for him. and most importantly, realised how dangerous it is to have someone on a pedestal, and how blind that fog can make us.

 

so... i said that i'm sorry, but i'm not interested. said that he should seek help for depression he thinks he's suffering. that he's got family and spouse that he should turn to... and then blocked him.

 

so, ladies and gents who think that it's special, and that you'll never find something as amazing as that person that you crave contact with - stay strong in your NC. because that's the only thing that will get you far enough away from that person to see them as they truly are. most of the time they're not the way you see them.

[Lani]

Hiiiiiiiiii Lillly!!

 

So very happy to hear things are looking up for you

Hopefully you don't run into this guy anyway- you know what this city is like! Sounds like you're in the right frame of mind to deal with an accidental run in anyway, so I'm sure all would be fine.

[Lillyfree]

hey lannister!long time no speak hope things are fantastic

 

yeah, it's a small town in the end. the biggest pain is having to find a new hairdresser as he lives around the corner from her ... i'm not going to take great pains to avoid him otherwise, he's very much a no one now and if i do see him it will be non-event...

[Lani]

hey lannister!long time no speak hope things are fantastic

 

yeah, it's a small town in the end. the biggest pain is having to find a new hairdresser as he lives around the corner from her ... i'm not going to take great pains to avoid him otherwise, he's very much a no one now and if i do see him it will be non-event...

 

My hairdresser quit on me, so do let me know if you find a good one!

[Lillyfree]

My hairdresser quit on me, so do let me know if you find a good one!

 

sent you a pm

[Mr. Lucky]

Did you tell your H about the contact, conversation and your OMs request to meet up?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JustJoe]

hello everyone, it's been a while.

 

i've stayed away as all the stories started to depress me too much. considering i was concentrating on sorting out my marriage and healing after the A, i felt it was taking me backwards, so i took a break even though i wanted to help others, just like i've been helped.

 

there have been ups and downs. it took a lot of work, a lot of effort both from myself and my husband. but we're getting there. it's finally looking up.

 

more than the feelgood story about my M - something i wanted to share that could give some hope to those thinking about stopping their A or struggling in the early stages.

 

CM contacted me recently. you can imagine my shock when i saw him pop up with 'hai'. that was it. hai :/

(and before anyone asks, yes he was blocked. due to me combining my social media accounts he became unblocked.)

i know i shouldn't have replied but i did. asked him how he was doing. how work was, life in general.

turns out he did end up moving to my city, about a year ago. didn't want to contact me because he thought i hated him and wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. life was ok, but he was 'still dealing with things'. and so on

 

i just politely said that i'm glad he's taken steps to better his life, and that i hope he works out whatever there is to still work out. wished him all the best.

 

ANYWAY... on and on he went. in the end asking me to meet up. i just laughed to myself a little. i wasn't even angry, just plain felt sorry for him. and most importantly, realised how dangerous it is to have someone on a pedestal, and how blind that fog can make us.

 

so... i said that i'm sorry, but i'm not interested. said that he should seek help for depression he thinks he's suffering. that he's got family and spouse that he should turn to... and then blocked him.

 

so, ladies and gents who think that it's special, and that you'll never find something as amazing as that person that you crave contact with - stay strong in your NC. because that's the only thing that will get you far enough away from that person to see them as they truly are. most of the time they're not the way you see them.

Did you tell you husband about this and what was said?

[Lillyfree]

Did you tell your H about the contact, conversation and your OMs request to meet up?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

i've told him about the contact and the conversation bit.

 

i wasn't brave enough to tell him about the request to meet, as he would have seen red and probably try and track him down.

H doesn't need that right now.

[Lillyfree]

Did you tell you husband about this and what was said?

 

he paused for a few seconds...looked up at me and said 'thank you for telling me. please don't talk to him again'.

 

i could tell he was angry, not with me but with him. he's not an aggressive person but i know that if CM man was there it would not have ended well for him.

 

then he gave me a hug.

[JustJoe]

Sorry, but 100% transparency is just that. So, now you have a new secret, and what will he think, if and when you DO tell him? This is a really bad idea.

[whichwayisup]

i've told him about the contact and the conversation bit.

 

i wasn't brave enough to tell him about the request to meet, as he would have seen red and probably try and track him down.

H doesn't need that right now.

 

Telling the partial truth isn't good enough. You're trying to control here and it's gonna back fire on you. You say 'right now' but what does that mean? Somewhere down the line you'll tell your husband the rest of the truth and hope he isn't too upset/pissed at you for hiding the rest of what really happened?

 

Who are you trying to protect? CM or yourself? Who cares if your H would've seen red and possibly try to track him down. CM knows NC is in place and he saw a crack of an opportunity and jumped at it and you jumped in that crack as well. Why didn't you just ignore him? What really made you answer back?

 

Wasn't your husband upset or concerned as to why you answered CM and didn't ignore and immediately block him again? Fact is, you wanted to talk to him, you asked questions of concern. Instead of not caring at all and not wanting to open that door a crack, you opened it.

[JustJoe]

WWIU is right. this is classic trickle truthing. If and when you do tell him, he will think that you are still in contact with your AP. and that you lied to him.

[Lillyfree]

Telling the partial truth isn't good enough. You're trying to control here and it's gonna back fire on you. You say 'right now' but what does that mean? Somewhere down the line you'll tell your husband the rest of the truth and hope he isn't too upset/pissed at you for hiding the rest of what really happened?

 

Who are you trying to protect? CM or yourself? Who cares if your H would've seen red and possibly try to track him down. CM knows NC is in place and he saw a crack of an opportunity and jumped at it and you jumped in that crack as well. Why didn't you just ignore him? What really made you answer back?

 

Wasn't your husband upset or concerned as to why you answered CM and didn't ignore and immediately block him again? Fact is, you wanted to talk to him, you asked questions of concern. Instead of not caring at all and not wanting to open that door a crack, you opened it.

 

yes, i did make a mistake and talk to him. i should have just ignored it and i didn't. why? i don't know. it was a shock to see him pop up, and i was just treating it like i would have any other person contacting me after a long time, whether i cared what was going on in their life or not.

 

i'm not protecting myself nor CM. i don't want my husband to risk an assault charge because of something i view as minor. had i met up with him then yes, i would definitely tell him. but because CM is still stuck where he was 2 years ago, still willing to cheat on his gf and obviously not having moved on? that's his problem, not my husband's or mine.

[lovinDKT3]

Sorry, but 100% transparency is just that. So, now you have a new secret, and what will he think, if and when you DO tell him? This is a really bad idea.

 

I agree with this, but now its a tough situation. She can't tell him now, it wouldn't go over well.

 

Lilly, I read your history and even with knowing where you guys are now, I was still thinking they won't make it.

 

What I saw was a woman who very much wanted to be with the OM, poked and flipped your marriage, treated your husband poorly then got upset when he rejected you. This went on for a whole year. Now this update.

 

I too had an affair so this is in no way judgement, but what changed? Where did the switch flip? Or was it a slow build?

 

I haven't been posting here all that long, but some of the things I said early make me smh and think who is that woman.

[Lillyfree]

I agree with this, but now its a tough situation. She can't tell him now, it wouldn't go over well.

 

Lilly, I read your history and even with knowing where you guys are now, I was still thinking they won't make it.

 

What I saw was a woman who very much wanted to be with the OM, poked and flipped your marriage, treated your husband poorly then got upset when he rejected you. This went on for a whole year. Now this update.

 

I too had an affair so this is in no way judgement, but what changed? Where did the switch flip? Or was it a slow build?

 

I haven't been posting here all that long, but some of the things I said early make me smh and think who is that woman.

 

i didn't think we were going to make it either. the marriage wasn't good for years before the A, i knew that it was going to either make or break us. thankfully, it didn't break us and we're doing so much better than we have in a long time.

i know what you mean about reading back to earlier posts. i can definitely say that it wasn't me... i had more sense when i was 16 than during and immediately after the A.

 

not sure which switch you're asking about? regarding my M or the way i viewed CM?

[JustJoe]

yes, i did make a mistake and talk to him. i should have just ignored it and i didn't. why? i don't know. it was a shock to see him pop up, and i was just treating it like i would have any other person contacting me after a long time, whether i cared what was going on in their life or not.

 

i'm not protecting myself nor CM. i don't want my husband to risk an assault charge because of something i view as minor. had i met up with him then yes, i would definitely tell him. but because CM is still stuck where he was 2 years ago, still willing to cheat on his gf and obviously not having moved on? that's his problem, not my husband's or mine.

Sorry , but you are making excuses. You are definitely not showing your husband true support. You are thinking of how it will effect you. I do not think you are a truly remorseful WS.

[Lillyfree]

Sorry , but you are making excuses. You are definitely not showing your husband true support. You are thinking of how it will effect you. I do not think you are a truly remorseful WS.

 

that's ok, it's your right to think that way. i know i've done the hard work and everything i possibly could to be a good wife to my husband again.

 

i would say that i am offering my husband support in not fuelling something where he would be the one worse off. because of someone else's stupid actions.

[lovinDKT3]

i didn't think we were going to make it either. the marriage wasn't good for years before the A, i knew that it was going to either make or break us. thankfully, it didn't break us and we're doing so much better than we have in a long time.

i know what you mean about reading back to earlier posts. i can definitely say that it wasn't me... i had more sense when i was 16 than during and immediately after the A.

 

not sure which switch you're asking about? regarding my M or the way i viewed CM?

 

Well both, I guess. I get sabotage of the marriage, picking the H a part during and following the A. I did that also. However, OM wasn't worth turning my head in his direction let along carrying a conversation with that far out. For some reason you engaged him when it should have been at most hello bye. Then you with held the entire truth. Don't you see this as a step backwards? I have come a long way in seeing the things that lead me to the affair and it was little things like this. Then next time alittle more. I see what you did as what my guy calls wayward thinking. Justifing iffy behavior by using the "what good would it do" or "he doesn't need to know".

 

Again not judging, I have just become so aware of these things.

[JustJoe]

that's ok, it's your right to think that way. i know i've done the hard work and everything i possibly could to be a good wife to my husband again.

 

i would say that i am offering my husband support in not fuelling something where he would be the one worse off. because of someone else's stupid actions.

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways, after an affair, you are either honest or you are not. This is yet another example of foggy thinking. You are "supporting" your husband by lying to him. Good idea.

[lovinDKT3]

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways, after an affair, you are either honest or you are not. This is yet another example of foggy thinking. You are "supporting" your husband by lying to him. Good idea.

 

Maybe semantics, but she didn't lie. Same but not. Hopefully if asked she would have admitted he propositioned her.

[anne1707]

Maybe semantics, but she didn't lie. Same but not. Hopefully if asked she would have admitted he propositioned her.

 

It's lying by omission. Affairs would not survive without it.

[whichwayisup]

yes, i did make a mistake and talk to him. i should have just ignored it and i didn't. why? i don't know. it was a shock to see him pop up, and i was just treating it like i would have any other person contacting me after a long time, whether i cared what was going on in their life or not.

 

i'm not protecting myself nor CM. i don't want my husband to risk an assault charge because of something i view as minor. had i met up with him then yes, i would definitely tell him. but because CM is still stuck where he was 2 years ago, still willing to cheat on his gf and obviously not having moved on? that's his problem, not my husband's or mine.

 

That was your first mistake. He isn't just anybody from your past. He's the exOM/CM you had an affair with. He's a cancer to your marriage! You didn't even consider the consequences or think for a minute before replying 'hmm, this may not be a such a good idea, my H will be upset if I reply so I better not.' you jumped at the chance. You have to treat him like an enemy and turn it off, not be polite or anything. Ignore next time, if there's a next time..

 

Bolded. How do you know this? How long as NC been in place? you have no idea what his life is like anymore since you're not in it. for all you know, he may be thinking you wanted him again since in his eyes, you unblocked him. He doesn't know that it happened unintentionally. Assuming isn't good when you really don't know 100%.

[whichwayisup]

that's ok, it's your right to think that way. i know i've done the hard work and everything i possibly could to be a good wife to my husband again.

 

i would say that i am offering my husband support in not fuelling something where he would be the one worse off. because of someone else's stupid actions.

 

CM's or yours? Sorry but you made a (quick) decision and replied back. Shocked or not, it was wrong to do and great that you told your H but you sugar coated it. He's not a child. If he by chance finds out one his own all of the truth, he'll be more upset/pissed than if you just told him all of it from the get go.

 

Your H hopefully would stop and think too - Of course with your encouragement not to go after exCM.

[lovinDKT3]

It's lying by omission. Affairs would not survive without it.

 

I know, I'm trying to give her the benefit of doubt. I also see this as opening the door to restarting.

[Lillyfree]

Well both, I guess. I get sabotage of the marriage, picking the H a part during and following the A. I did that also. However, OM wasn't worth turning my head in his direction let along carrying a conversation with that far out. For some reason you engaged him when it should have been at most hello bye. Then you with held the entire truth. Don't you see this as a step backwards? I have come a long way in seeing the things that lead me to the affair and it was little things like this. Then next time alittle more. I see what you did as what my guy calls wayward thinking. Justifing iffy behavior by using the "what good would it do" or "he doesn't need to know".

 

Again not judging, I have just become so aware of these things.

 

no, i appreciate your views, don't see them as judging at all. i know what you mean about one-by-one little step that ends up with being in an A. i am very aware of signs given out by other men, and have very strict boundaries. with CM, i really didn't think it was a big deal as there are no further steps to take. it was a blip and now it's gone. i would never resume the A nor get myself in a situation where i would be going towards another.

 

as to where and when changes took place - they were gradual. M took a lot slower than the change in how i felt about CM. i hated him for a bit. then i let it go. wished him a good life and that he would learn from what happened as i did. for his benefit and his spouse's.

 

then the NC breach just left me feeling sorry for him. not in the sense that i would rush to his side to save him, but where you shrug and think that some people just choose to be the way they are. and then move on.