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Betrayal, and the Statute of Limitations.


TrustedthenBusted

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TrustedthenBusted

So I'm 5 years past D-Day. Very few triggers these days, and if I'm being honest, things between us are mostly good. That is to say that things are good most of the time.

 

That said, the magic has undeniably faded, and we have settled into what I consider to be a less than fulfilling existence. I can only imagine she feels the same way. In fact, I know she does.

 

What I'm wondering about is if anyone feels the way I do.

 

To wit: Sometimes I feel like what we have isn't enough for me. I'm definitely not getting my primary needs met, and as a result, I can feel myself not meeting hers either. yah, i know...chicken/egg yadda yadda.

 

Thing is, at this point, if I were to call it quits, I can't say for sure that it's because of infidelity, or even the broken trust. Sure those were contributing factors to much unhappiness over the last 5 years, but it really doesn't feel like what's got me against the ropes today.

 

5 years ago I agreed to stay, if we could use this experience to become stronger and more united. But that hasn't happened.

 

5 years ago, I said I'd give it a year, and then another, and then another.

 

5 years ago I would have left because she cheated on me and lied to me.

 

But today... those things have been forgiven, and if I left it would be for what's going on today, and not what went on back then.

 

 

Thing is, I feel like to her, her affair(s) have created this eternal trump card that I don't ever want to play, but still ANYTHING I don't like today, is just viewed as the result of her cheating.

 

It's as if that event put a crack in the dike, and that crack will ultimately be the root cause for any failure of our marriage.

 

I don't want it to be this way. And I don't even know if I want to leave. My strong preference would be for things to improve and for us to be happier and closer, but she is making that impossible.

 

I'm rambling, and probably not making a whole lot of sense. But my real question is: Has anyone been this far past the infidelity and left for reasons NOT tied to the cheating?

 

I understand that had she not cheated, I'd probably NEVER consider divorce the way I sometimes do, but still - it's not like I'd be leaving over residual anger or anything. I'd truly be leaving because we just aren't as happy together as I think two people should be.

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It's hard to say... honestly if you haven't really worked through whatever the issues were before she cheated or since, then it doesn't matter how many years go by. The issue will still be there.

 

If, however, after all this time you just aren't feeling it with her and it can't be fixed and you have done everything you could do to deal with the infidelity and other issues then it might be time to throw in the towel.

 

What did you two really do to deal with the infidelity? Did you got to counseling? Find different ways to communicate with each other, discover how to keep things "new" and "exciting"?

 

I get the feeling that you recognize that what she did in the past does in fact effect how your relationship is now, but it isn't the WHOLE story. There are other things going on that don't sit right with you. Maybe you feel like she just isn't the one you want to be with anymore? Maybe you are tired of the albatross of "she cheated" hanging over your relationship?

 

Whatever it is, maybe her cheating did in fact mean the beginning of the end for ya'll and you are just now seeing it? I don't know but I do think that even 5 years on, it can be a factor in problems in your relationship if you haven't properly dealt with it.

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Decisiontomake

 

Just posted a response and computer crashed - agh! So if this appears twice, I'm sorry!

 

 

I said that I think the above quote is very profound! Can't all marriage "problems" be traced back or attributed to one event, or a combination of events? However, the ultimate separation or divorce does not necessarily lead back to any of them individually. It's the sum of the whole kinda thing as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

My husband had an affair 5 years into our marriage and I then did so just prior to our separation (he does not know about it), but I can honestly say that they are not the "reasons" for where we are now. We grew apart, wanted different things, loved each other but were just existing etc.

 

 

6 months into our separation and I still question if we're doing the right thing, if we tried enough, if more work would make it better etc - the answer to all three being yes honestly, but with different weight/value attached to them.

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Things between us are mostly good. That is to say that things are good most of the time.

 

Sounds normal and fine...ok.

 

the magic has undeniably faded, and we have settled into what I consider to be a less than fulfilling existence.

 

What happened here now? Can you be specific?

 

 

if anyone feels the way I do.

 

 

Affairs or no affair many marriages go through long stretches of not so fulfilling.

 

 

I'm definitely not getting my primary needs met, and as a result, I can feel myself not meeting hers either.

 

Again - can you be specific - what needs for you and her are not being met. What are each of you responsible for meeting - that your not.

 

 

I can't say for sure that it's because of infidelity, or even the broken trust. Sure those were contributing factors to much unhappiness over the last 5 years, but it really doesn't feel like what's got me against the ropes today.

 

 

Affairs leave pain and damage sometimes permanent - like loosing a limb or body part, you move on and cope and accept, but somedays you understand you lost a limb or body part.

and if I left it would be for what's going on today, and not what went on back then.

 

What is going on... let me rephrase the question differently, ending things with her now would provide what for you ? How would this let you get what you want without her - is there something you feel another person would provide you?

 

Thing is, I feel like to her, her affair(s) have created this eternal trump card that I don't ever want to play, but still ANYTHING I don't like today, is just viewed as the result of her cheating.

 

Well as a BS/BH i would have to say you "earned" in pain - that trump card. Sorry, but she messed up and its yours to play any time you wish - 10 years from know if you want. Just my view. Vow Broken by her - you get to own a get out of jail card till the end.

 

 

My strong preference would be for things to improve and for us to be happier and closer, but she is making that impossible.

 

What is she doing to block things.

 

But my real question is: Has anyone been this far past the infidelity and left for reasons NOT tied to the cheating?

 

Its been more years for me - and while I have stayed, its not been easy and thoughts of ending it come up. The issue (my needs not getting met) is mainly sex, we have struggled with an up an down sex life, mostly declining, but some ups (like recently). While not specifically I guess tied to the Fair - it kind of is (too complicated to explain here).

 

Also again like a loss of limb or body part or major injury...you experience some stress or illness or its cold out or something negative...were does some of that pain show up - in the "old injury" area. Get it? You took out your knee in football 20 years ago, and when your sick or its really cold out - it hurts and you remember that game injury.... tied but not tied, a hurt and loss and weakness that burdens normal life and normal non related stuff that happens later.

 

Also in the last few weeks - the triggers and pain have come up for me for NO damn reasons on her part at all. She has been pretty good lately I am mad, but I have to go to IC in secrete, because its "not her fault" the affair old injury is acting up - and there is no reason at all to be angry now at her. F -me.

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If she's not meeting your needs...and you're no longer working to meet hers...then either fix that situation, or end it.

 

Doesn't matter if the 'root' of the problem is infidelity from 5 years ago, or something totally unrelated and new this week.

 

Communicate how you feel, make a choice as to whether you both are willing to put forth the effort to find and fix where the lack is between you, and then decide if you're going to fix it, or end it.

 

That simple. Not easy...but simple.

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TrustedthenBusted
It's hard to say... honestly if you haven't really worked through whatever the issues were before she cheated or since, then it doesn't matter how many years go by. The issue will still be there.

 

If, however, after all this time you just aren't feeling it with her and it can't be fixed and you have done everything you could do to deal with the infidelity and other issues then it might be time to throw in the towel.

 

What did you two really do to deal with the infidelity? Did you got to counseling? Find different ways to communicate with each other, discover how to keep things "new" and "exciting"?

 

I get the feeling that you recognize that what she did in the past does in fact effect how your relationship is now, but it isn't the WHOLE story. There are other things going on that don't sit right with you. Maybe you feel like she just isn't the one you want to be with anymore? Maybe you are tired of the albatross of "she cheated" hanging over your relationship?

 

Whatever it is, maybe her cheating did in fact mean the beginning of the end for ya'll and you are just now seeing it? I don't know but I do think that even 5 years on, it can be a factor in problems in your relationship if you haven't properly dealt with it.

 

Well I do feel like we worked through the issues to a large extent. She eventually took ownership for what she did, and why. Because of the people she chose, I was able to accept that the affairs were really about her mental state, and not about her just fawning over some cute guy. Neither was very good looking, and we both think one might actually be gay.

 

Anyway, we did go to counseling. MC and IC. We learned how to better communicate, which we now do. We learned what eachother's primary needs are. WE've learned what irks the other, and how to better deal with our frustrations.

 

Thing is, for all we've learned, putting that education into practice is proving to be too difficult for her.

 

I need very little to be happy. Sex and a halfway clean house is pretty much it.

 

But apparently that is too much to ask for.

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Well I do feel like we worked through the issues to a large extent. She eventually took ownership for what she did, and why. Because of the people she chose, I was able to accept that the affairs were really about her mental state, and not about her just fawning over some cute guy. Neither was very good looking, and we both think one might actually be gay.

 

Anyway, we did go to counseling. MC and IC. We learned how to better communicate, which we now do. We learned what eachother's primary needs are. WE've learned what irks the other, and how to better deal with our frustrations.

 

Thing is, for all we've learned, putting that education into practice is proving to be too difficult for her.

 

I need very little to be happy. Sex and a halfway clean house is pretty much it.

 

But apparently that is too much to ask for.

 

Then tell her so, and file for divorce.

 

Or...lower your expectations.

 

Those are really the only things that YOU can do about the situation.

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TrustedthenBusted
Things between us are mostly good. That is to say that things are good most of the time.

 

Sounds normal and fine...ok.

 

Agreed. Which is probably why I continue to stay. I think I am somewhat realistic in what I expect a 50+ year marriage to include. I've always said that if you are married for 50 years, and 10 of them suck, that's still a B.

 

 

 

the magic has undeniably faded, and we have settled into what I consider to be a less than fulfilling existence.

 

What happened here now? Can you be specific?

 

Typical "roommate" experience. I often feel like she wants a man around the house, a confidante, a handy-man, a security guard, a chef, a father, and a dog whisperer.... but not a boyfriend. I want to feel like a boyfriend. A lover. Something.

 

 

if anyone feels the way I do.

 

 

Affairs or no affair many marriages go through long stretches of not so fulfilling.

 

Yeah. And most of the time I'm ok with that. Just not right now.

 

I'm definitely not getting my primary needs met, and as a result, I can feel myself not meeting hers either.

 

Again - can you be specific - what needs for you and her are not being met. What are each of you responsible for meeting - that your not.

 

So my love language is Touch. And I have a normal-to-high sex drive, where she doesn't seem to have almost any. I am working to be very patient during her libido lows, but she doesn't show me the same courtesy during my highs.

 

And when she does, there is a palpable lack of enthusiasm. Ever during her affair there was complaints that she wasn't into it. So this is one issue. The other is her being a bit of a slob, despite an overwhelmingly clear understanding of how frustrating that is for me.

I can't say for sure that it's because of infidelity, or even the broken trust. Sure those were contributing factors to much unhappiness over the last 5 years, but it really doesn't feel like what's got me against the ropes today.

 

 

Affairs leave pain and damage sometimes permanent - like loosing a limb or body part, you move on and cope and accept, but somedays you understand you lost a limb or body part.

 

Yeah. I totally acknowledge that the affair permanently removed her from the pedestal I had her on, so it's party in ANY separation would be key. That's my problem though... I feel like if I left because I chose not to live in a sexless marriage, to her the reason would always be my "refusal to forgive" Not that it would matter after I was gone. But still...

 

 

and if I left it would be for what's going on today, and not what went on back then.

 

What is going on... let me rephrase the question differently, ending things with her now would provide what for you ? How would this let you get what you want without her - is there something you feel another person would provide you?

 

Well, this is the big unknown, right? Leaving her gives me what? Freedom? The opportunity to go find someone knew whose needs better align with my own? Hell, I dunno. I don't feel the need to go find someone new. If anything I just feel the need to not feel my current frustrations anymore. maybe it will pass.

 

 

 

Thing is, I feel like to her, her affair(s) have created this eternal trump card that I don't ever want to play, but still ANYTHING I don't like today, is just viewed as the result of her cheating.

 

Well as a BS/BH i would have to say you "earned" in pain - that trump card. Sorry, but she messed up and its yours to play any time you wish - 10 years from know if you want. Just my view. Vow Broken by her - you get to own a get out of jail card till the end.

 

Trump card, yes. Get Out Of Jail Free card, no. There is no way she'd stick around after a taste her own medicine. No narcissist I know would do that. No.. I've given her a second chance to rebuild what we had. I wouldn't do anything to ruin that myself. But I do agree that once there's an infidelity, you can decide whever you want, that you are done dealing with the pain of it.

 

 

My strong preference would be for things to improve and for us to be happier and closer, but she is making that impossible.

 

What is she doing to block things.

 

It's what she's not doing. Basically I have a frustration, I discuss it with her, she understands and hears me need, she agrees that my need is reasonable, she promises to work harder to meet my need, and then the conversation ends, and nothing changes.

 

Before, when there was no communication, and we relied on clairvoyance to meet eachothers needs, missing the boat was understandable. But to make them clear and reasonable, only to them ignore them.... that feels like neglect to me.

 

 

But my real question is: Has anyone been this far past the infidelity and left for reasons NOT tied to the cheating?

 

Its been more years for me - and while I have stayed, its not been easy and thoughts of ending it come up. The issue (my needs not getting met) is mainly sex, we have struggled with an up an down sex life, mostly declining, but some ups (like recently). While not specifically I guess tied to the Fair - it kind of is (too complicated to explain here).

 

Also again like a loss of limb or body part or major injury...you experience some stress or illness or its cold out or something negative...were does some of that pain show up - in the "old injury" area. Get it? You took out your knee in football 20 years ago, and when your sick or its really cold out - it hurts and you remember that game injury.... tied but not tied, a hurt and loss and weakness that burdens normal life and normal non related stuff that happens later.

 

Also in the last few weeks - the triggers and pain have come up for me for NO damn reasons on her part at all. She has been pretty good lately I am mad, but I have to go to IC in secrete, because its "not her fault" the affair old injury is acting up - and there is no reason at all to be angry now at her. F -me.

 

Yeah, I really try not to let those old injuries find their way into our current conversations though, because once THAT subject is brought up, her head goes down, her tail goes between her legs, and the communication slows to a drip.

 

She really regrets what she did, but at the same time, still occasionally plays a bit of the victim when it comes back up and causes her some difficulty.

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TrustedthenBusted
Then tell her so, and file for divorce.

 

Or...lower your expectations.

 

Those are really the only things that YOU can do about the situation.

 

I like to believe there are other alternatives. Sometimes these feelings hit me hard, and at other times, they do not.

 

So I vent when I need to, and try to appreciate the times that I don't.

 

I certainly don't expect teh next person to be perfect either, so the devil I know ( and have children with ) may be better than the devil I don't.

 

Big decision.

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I like to believe there are other alternatives. Sometimes these feelings hit me hard, and at other times, they do not.

 

So I vent when I need to, and try to appreciate the times that I don't.

 

I certainly don't expect teh next person to be perfect either, so the devil I know ( and have children with ) may be better than the devil I don't.

 

Big decision.

 

Like what?

 

What are the other alternatives that you find acceptable?

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Like what?

 

What are the other alternatives that you find acceptable?

 

Like continuing to understand what the roadblocks are for her. Or taking a closer look at what I may be doing ( or not doing ) to contribute to the problem.

 

Basically trying hard to work it out. Divorce is really a last resort to me, as I don't see it as a guaranteed doorway to happiness. Only the end of a few particular frustrations.

 

 

Hell, maybe I'll even talk to her about openly having a mistress or a don't ask don't tell policy. Maybe I need to make it clear to her that I have no intention of living the rest of my life on her libido schedule alone.

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What are the other alternatives that you find acceptable?

With a spouse who's able to resist the lessons from counseling but not the dangers of an affair, he's living the only other alternative.

Hell, maybe I'll even talk to her about openly having a mistress or a don't ask don't tell policy.

If you think divorce has complications and downside, wait til you try this :eek: !

 

You've been given good advice - fix it or divorce...

 

Mr. Lucky

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This is a textbook example of why you should not forgive cheating. It is..the little things that begin to change. It is just..to me, who wants to live like this? Come on. I have to say there is no statute of limitations on being cheated on. As long as the person is alive and in a relationship with you..they will remember it. See, all cheaters should be forced to read this topic to see what it does to a relationship. All people even THINKING of cheating should read this: even when you "work it out" it's..not really worked out. Food for thought. Things will never ever be the same again, this is the result. It is to the point where I'd rather be alone then going through a relationship that is just some dried up husk of what it used to be. I'd rather just find someone else.

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It is just to me, thinking of adultery as a mere "unpleasant chapter" in a marriage is giving it too little credit. An "unpleasant chapter" to me would be like..that time you fought for several days straight and you had to sleep on the couch for a few nights, not some hugely epic betrayal with consequences that will last years, perhaps *decades* and possibly require therapy to fix. That is more then just an unpleasant chapter, that is an unpleasant friggin volume.

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A person can sustain a particular kind of traumatic brain injury whereby they feel pretty good after it happens and drop dead the next day. The damage to their brain is fatal but it takes some time for that damage to shut down your life. Its like your wife's cheating 5 years ago is the traumatic injury that doomed the marriage. Now that damage is killing it.

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Bittersweetie

Hi Trusted,

 

I hope it's okay to respond as a fWW. My BH and I are five years out from d-day as well. One of the things we discussed after d-day was that just because we were choosing to stay together now did not mean we were staying together forever. We choose to be with each other every day. My H said that he no longer would accept a sub-par relationship, then or at any time in the future. And that if either of us got to a point where the relationship was sub-par, then we would talk to the other about it. It would be a difficult conversation, but we'd already had worse ones.

 

I think for us, today, we are in a better place. I did a lot of work on me and us, and so did he. It's been tough at times lately, mainly because we have a toddler and my H is transitioning to a new job with much more responsibility. So while I wouldn't call it sub-par at all, our relationship is at a lull. I think the difference now is I recognize that this is just a phase for us, and we will move forward from it, and I keep my eye on us and making sure we stay connected.

 

So I guess what I am trying to say is that at five years out, maybe you should take a look at things and decide if it's a phase, or permanent. And if there is more work to be done on your relationship, and if so, if you want to take that on. Does that make sense? Those questions may help is deciding how to move forward.

 

I don't know if this helps...good luck.

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That said, the magic has undeniably faded, and we have settled into what I consider to be a less than fulfilling existence. I can only imagine she feels the same way. In fact, I know she does.

 

Thing is, at this point, if I were to call it quits, I can't say for sure that it's because of infidelity, or even the broken trust. Sure those were contributing factors to much unhappiness over the last 5 years, but it really doesn't feel like what's got me against the ropes today.

.

 

 

***************************************************************

i will post this again

All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.

But WS did.

 

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.

That is the hardest thing to live with.

 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.

That time is gone.

 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.

That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.

And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

 

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

 

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.

A more tolerable kind of sadness.

 

 

I could not nor would i EVER forget what my WW did.....i filed for D...I think had I stayed and tried to R ...I truly think this would have been my future!

 

My question to you ...Why in Gods name are you still with this person...??

 

My hope is that you leave asap!! and be in control of your own life..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

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Hi Trusted,

 

I hope it's okay to respond as a fWW. My BH and I are five years out from d-day as well. One of the things we discussed after d-day was that just because we were choosing to stay together now did not mean we were staying together forever. We choose to be with each other every day. My H said that he no longer would accept a sub-par relationship, then or at any time in the future. And that if either of us got to a point where the relationship was sub-par, then we would talk to the other about it. It would be a difficult conversation, but we'd already had worse ones.

 

I think for us, today, we are in a better place. I did a lot of work on me and us, and so did he. It's been tough at times lately, mainly because we have a toddler and my H is transitioning to a new job with much more responsibility. So while I wouldn't call it sub-par at all, our relationship is at a lull. I think the difference now is I recognize that this is just a phase for us, and we will move forward from it, and I keep my eye on us and making sure we stay connected.

 

So I guess what I am trying to say is that at five years out, maybe you should take a look at things and decide if it's a phase, or permanent. And if there is more work to be done on your relationship, and if so, if you want to take that on. Does that make sense? Those questions may help is deciding how to move forward.

 

I don't know if this helps...good luck.

 

Thank you. It really does help to hear. A great deal in fact. Not for nothing, but I to pay far more attention to the replies from those who are in my boat. 5 or so years out and working, over those who called it quits right away, and really don't know what a protracted R is all about.

 

You hit the nail on the head. Is this a phase? Or is it our new way of life? There are good times, and long good stretches, but those don't make it into most of my vents. You know how it is... when it's bad, you feel like it's going to be like this forever... but it isn't.

 

To badkarma2013,

 

Why am I still with this person? Becuase I am still interested in winning the end-game. I know a lot of old, happy couples who raised their families, remained close, and stuck together through tremendous hardships. And in the end, were surrounded by loving family members, and a sense of mission accomplished.

 

Statistically, I'm sure most of them have been through an infidelity and the struggle that follows. I know it. Hell, my grandparents went through it.

 

It is a horrible betrayal. Usually perpetrated for the dumbest of reasons, hurting the people you love the most. And I'm sure it's not very easy for WS's to stick around for the aftermath either. But when they do, they too are hurting. Unlike some on here, I can empathize with a WS who got their curtain of deceit yanked back. That is a tough hole to climb out of.

 

So when my wife shuts down, I have a choice to view it as a time when I'm not getting my needs met, or I can choose to view it as a time to double-down, and work harder to lift her back up.

 

Part of my current struggle is I just don't feel like bothering. I'm tired. And when we are BOTH tired....well... you get what we've got going on right now.

 

Time will tell. But this is my family, and at this time, I'm choosing to deal with a lot to keep it intact. It's been 5 years that I'd say were not the greatest. But if it's only 5 or 6 out of the next 50.... I'll take that. You can get into the Hall of Fame for less.

 

Also, I don't think divorce automatically equates to taking control of your life. I think making your needs explicit, and understanding your partners needs is also a form of taking control. And I'm waiting on my partner to get to this point as well. I think she needs to get over some of the shame so that our conversations on topic can be more fruitful.

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I am 13 years past dday, and I very much relate to OPs POV.

 

The thing is that time itself doesn't matter - time itself doesn't heal. It's what's done in that time that makes the difference. In my case, my WW just wants to brush her LTA away. She expects me to trust her now because she is being faithful now. So any work by her to fix herself never happened.

 

Our past affects our present and our future. The past is like the foundation of your house. If you destroy that foundation you'll probably need to rebuilt the entire house, and if you rebuild the house it probably won't look much like the old one. In fact you may not like that new house after it's rebuilt.

 

IMO people don't give enough weight to the impact of being betrayed with an affair. This is a HUGE deal, and yet we are pushed to forgive and move on as if the betrayal were just a pump in the road of the marriage.

 

I think being betrayed like this wounds and changes us at a very deep level, and people who haven't experienced it just will never understand. It's a life altering event that changes us and how we view the world and all our relationships. It changes how we see ourselves.

 

As to the OPs question. I've spoken to many BH online that have stayed in the M for decades, then divorced their WW. They stayed for their kids, for the financial security they worked for, and family issues. In the end the kids grew up and moved away, they looked at their finances and found they would be ok without their WW, and realized that the family issues weren't as big a factor as they thought it was. These guys stayed for decades and then divorced.. and the thing is that everyone else thought the divorce wasn't about the affair, but the reality is that it was the affair that caused the divorce.. it just took awhile to get there.

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Seems like your WS didn't work hard enough and now you're left with emptiness. I hope you finally - FINALLY - have the power to leave. 5 years are a lot of time you could have spent much more happily. Wait for your partner to come around? Then you might as well wait for the end of your time - or hers - altogether.

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TrustedthenBusted
Seems like your WS didn't work hard enough and now you're left with emptiness. I hope you finally - FINALLY - have the power to leave. 5 years are a lot of time you could have spent much more happily. Wait for your partner to come around? Then you might as well wait for the end of your time - or hers - altogether.

 

I hear ya. Maybe "waiting" wasn't the right term. More like "working toward" is what I meant.

 

Tough to say. But I think we're due for another big talk. I'm not afraid to leave. I can actually see where being alone would be fantastic.

 

But I'm still working for what I want and value, which is having my family together and happy.

 

There are no guarantees out there, and at my age ( 43 ) anyone out there who is still available is likely to have just as much baggage as I'm carrying already.

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People grow apart and get divorced all the time. Not all of them are due to infidelity. People get divorced after 5, 10, 20, 30 years of marriage.

 

People get divorced because the marriage isn't working for whatever reason, it doesn't necessarily have to be tied in to a prior infidelity.

 

......and if it is, that's just the risk the WS takes when their clothes hit the floor beside the wrong bed.

 

Either way, no one is obligated to remain in a failed marriage just because they agreed to try to reconcile at an earlier date.

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I relate very much to OP, feels exactly the same here 3½ years after.

 

I've chosen to stay to try and make the family unit work. This isn't an infinite decision. I know that she probably is in it still for the kids, so it's likely that we'll some day.

 

Our relationship isn't the same anymore, not even close. Is it any different than other marriages? Could I be happier in a new relationship? Maybe - who can tell. I have proved myself to have unrealistic expectations before. I imagined our marriage would be forever, and that we would walk hand in hand towards the sunset, 124 years old. Would it be any different if I find myself another woman to share my life with? Who knows, maybe, and maybe not, fifty/fifty it seems.

 

I guess you can say I have settled for what is, but I try each day to make the best of it. I sometimes wonder if the overall sadness about what once was is supposed to vanish some day. I'm not sure - maybe I was just naive and set the bar too high for us back then. Maybe I got it all wrong, maybe marriages are supposed to be like this - maybe, who knows, infidelity is just part of the package, and if you stear free of it, you miss out on something :confused:

 

Anyway OP, you're not alone. Live your life step by step, decide from day to day what you want to do today. If you need to quit one day, just do so, don't feel bad about it - you don't need anyone's permission, and your wife set the stage.

 

Take care.

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