regret143 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 My wife was having an affair, and a month ago we decided to try to save our marriage. She has 2 tickets for a show, and we are having a date night. She swears to god she bought those tickets after we decided to reconnect, but I saw the email, and I know she is lying. She actually bought while she was with the other guy, probably to go with him, I think. Those tickets are kinda expensive and she has no money, so when I asked, she said "do you think I would spend my money to go with him? I would get him to buy!" (the guy is rich). So I'm torn... I don't know if I let go and enjoy the night or I should be upset. Does it really matter? She bought for him, but is giving to me. Idk what to think... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Don't reconcile with a wayward spouse that is still lying to your face. That's no kind of partner to have in life. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I think you have to talk to her. Tell her that you know she bought the tickets before you two decided on this plan. I agree with Betrayed in the sense that you can not start to rebuild something on a foundation of lies but maybe she lied with good intentions, like she really wants this to work & didn't want to waste the money. I'm not so sure I would want to go on that date though. Perhaps if you believe that her motives were pure, you can send her to the theater with on of her friends & you two can do something else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Those tickets are kinda expensive and she has no money, so when I asked, she said "do you think I would spend my money to go with him? I would get him to buy!" (the guy is rich). Disturbing statement as it underscores how calculated the affair was. She did a risk/reward analysis and your marriage - and you - were in second place. Does it really matter? She bought for him, but is giving to me. Idk what to think... I'd rather sit and watch paint dry for three hours... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Just go, try to have some fun. However, its hard enough to go through this with someone who is being open and honest. If she can't be honest about when she got the tickets then there is little hope AT THIS POINT, you are still close to discovery and it could change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Disturbing statement as it underscores how calculated the affair was. She did a risk/reward analysis and your marriage - and you - were in second place. I'd rather sit and watch paint dry for three hours... Mr. Lucky In her defense, he invited that man into their bedroom and allowed him to have sex with her, in a sense he put himself in a secondary or beta position. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I do not understand why you did not confront her and tell her that you knew that she was not telling you the truth about the tickets? When you allow her to keep lying to you without consequences then this type of behavior will continue. What were you thinking? If you do not respect yourself then who will? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Wow. I may stop posting in threads where I haven't read the OP's entire history. Much left unsaid here... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blackknight Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Some people lie. Like outright lies over the silliest things. Is your wife that or was she worries you wouldn't go if you knew it was bought previously. Or you wouldn't believe her she was planning to go with you. I'd tell her you know she is lying and go from there. And go to the show. If your mind won't let you enjoy it you can always get up and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Some people lie. Like outright lies over the silliest things. Is your wife that or was she worries you wouldn't go if you knew it was bought previously. Or you wouldn't believe her she was planning to go with you. I'd tell her you know she is lying and go from there. And go to the show. If your mind won't let you enjoy it you can always get up and leave. I agree...let her know that You know her lies and deciet continue... To jump topic for a moment...( for Blackknight)...the stats that i gave in a earlier post that 80% +- of BHs filed for divorce within 5 years...came from counselors and post on ezine...however the point you made was spot on... majority of WWS lost or have NO RESPECT for their BHs after D-DAY..and they either they do not change...or eventually force the BH to file by continuing the affair and making it an Exit Affair ... Using some other stats...academy of Trial Lawyers state almost 70% of divorces filed in last 3 years have been filed by Women...again in agreement with you... Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 All, UK stats just for interest ;- http://www.relate.org.uk/files/relate/separation-divorce-factsheet-jan2014.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hi regret143 - After reading your post the first question that comes to mind is regarding this e-mail that you saw. What was it and how does this prove that your wife is lying? As a divorced man, I encourage husbands and wives to reconcile if at all possible. So, I honor the choice to work on your relationship and give the marriage every opportunity to succeed. I know first-hand that things aren't all that great out here in bachelorsville. There is a reason, after all, that the two of you got married. Having said that, infidelity and dishonesty are two killers of marital intimacy. Are you guys getting professional help as you seek reconciliation? There is a great book titled Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke that could be beneficial. I also recommend Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson especially if you think that she is still lying to you. In any event, don't you think it is wise to resolve the issue in your own heart before you go to the show? Sitting there stewing would be counter-productive to the purpose you want to go for any how. When one partner has betrayed the other, complete honesty and openness is necessary by that partner for trust to be built again. Trust is the basis of all committed love. I hope you and your wife make it through this because your relationship can be better than it was before if you do the hard work necessary. Professional guidance could really help. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) My wife was having an affair, and a month ago we decided to try to save our marriage. She has 2 tickets for a show, and we are having a date night. She swears to god she bought those tickets after we decided to reconnect, but I saw the email, and I know she is lying. She actually bought while she was with the other guy, probably to go with him, I think. Those tickets are kinda expensive and she has no money, so when I asked, she said "do you think I would spend my money to go with him? I would get him to buy!" (the guy is rich). So I'm torn... I don't know if I let go and enjoy the night or I should be upset. Does it really matter? She bought for him, but is giving to me. Idk what to think... Playing hypothetical - would she have not taken you out while cheating on you. Many WS continue as normal with their spouses - events, dates, sex while having an affair. Is this event the kind of thing she would have gone to with you - had she in the past (before affair) ever gotten tickets to these kind of things for you and her? Only you can guess if they were for you - whether or not she was still in the affair. If so - she still should have not lied about timing...but if she did buy them for you (while still with him) she would lie just to avoid it. Or maybe she can't remember the timing. My decision would be this - is this event something I really want to go to ? Something I would really like ? then let her take you pay for the tickets, make or buy you dinner to boot... and hopefully f your brains out just the way YOU like it done. But if its not your cup of tea - then say I would prefer you take me to something I would really like instead. P.S. I know my wife, and also OM enough, as well as even her other ex's before me, and I know what kind of events we/I go to - vs them. We spent a lot time on making sure we only went "us places" on date nights and other times. This got relaxed years later.. a bit. Edited October 22, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 This is an easy one. You tell her that you know she bought the ticket during the affair, and whether you believe they were for him or not, simply aren't comfortable going. She lied about when she bought them, and you'd be lying, by omission, by not telling her you know this. Use this as an opportunity to set boundaries. No more lying means NO MORE lying about anything. If she'd lie about ticket purchases to spare your feelings, she'd lie about a whole lot worse than that. Sounds like you are still early on. Take it slow, and preserve your sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 By the way, I went through something simliar. My D-Day came about 4 days before I was supposed to leave town for a ski trip. The trip? It was a surprise Birthday present from my lovely wife. She called my best buddy in Colo, and bought me a flight, and a ski package there. I was supposed to go hang out with him for a long weekend, and it seemed like a very nice gift at the time. Of course, I realized that what was really happening was she was just sending me out of town. She of course denied this, and swore to God she just thought it would be a nice gift. Yah, right. I didn't go on the trip of course, and we just had to eat all that money. I couldn't possibly have enjoyed it. Although thinking back, I sometimes wish I went. When me and my buddy get together, we usually did pretty well with the ladies! lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) In her defense, he invited that man into their bedroom and allowed him to have sex with her, in a sense he put himself in a secondary or beta position. Nope sorry, this is NO excuse. He invited the guy in and also told him to get out. The wife did not listen, this ain't on him. Regret: do the right thing, LEAVE THIS WOMAN. Seriously..why are you still here man? Flee. She is still lying to you. It won't end. Get rid of her now. This is like an infection, get rid of it before it spreads to the rest of your body. At this point, any lie should be seen as a reason to walk. Sorry, she does not get to lie to you anymore about anything. Especially stuff about the other guy though..so you should just drop her, she is making you look like a fool. Edited October 22, 2014 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 I think you have to talk to her. Tell her that you know she bought the tickets before you two decided on this plan. I agree with Betrayed in the sense that you can not start to rebuild something on a foundation of lies but maybe she lied with good intentions, like she really wants this to work & didn't want to waste the money. I'm not so sure I would want to go on that date though. Perhaps if you believe that her motives were pure, you can send her to the theater with on of her friends & you two can do something else. I can't tell her I know, because I sneaked into her email (she left it logged in) and looked for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hi regret143 - After reading your post the first question that comes to mind is regarding this e-mail that you saw. What was it and how does this prove that your wife is lying? As a divorced man, I encourage husbands and wives to reconcile if at all possible. So, I honor the choice to work on your relationship and give the marriage every opportunity to succeed. I know first-hand that things aren't all that great out here in bachelorsville. There is a reason, after all, that the two of you got married. Having said that, infidelity and dishonesty are two killers of marital intimacy. Are you guys getting professional help as you seek reconciliation? There is a great book titled Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke that could be beneficial. I also recommend Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson especially if you think that she is still lying to you. In any event, don't you think it is wise to resolve the issue in your own heart before you go to the show? Sitting there stewing would be counter-productive to the purpose you want to go for any how. When one partner has betrayed the other, complete honesty and openness is necessary by that partner for trust to be built again. Trust is the basis of all committed love. I hope you and your wife make it through this because your relationship can be better than it was before if you do the hard work necessary. Professional guidance could really help. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for the kind words. And yes, we are seeing a counselor. Trust in our marriage is all messed up. from both sides. I'm very sad about it... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I can't tell her I know, because I sneaked into her email (she left it logged in) and looked for it. wrong. You can tell her you weren't confident that she was telling the truth, so you looked at her email, and found out that your suspicions were correct. There should be no need for "sneaking." Transparency should be the way you live if you plan to see this through. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 Playing hypothetical - would she have not taken you out while cheating on you. Many WS continue as normal with their spouses - events, dates, sex while having an affair. No, her affair was never (or almost never) a secret. and she bought the tickets when she already had plans to move out of our home. Later she decided she wanted to try to work on our marriage again. Is this event the kind of thing she would have gone to with you - had she in the past (before affair) ever gotten tickets to these kind of things for you and her? Only you can guess if they were for you - whether or not she was still in the affair. If so - she still should have not lied about timing...but if she did buy them for you (while still with him) she would lie just to avoid it. Or maybe she can't remember the timing. My decision would be this - is this event something I really want to go to ? Something I would really like ? then let her take you pay for the tickets, make or buy you dinner to boot... and hopefully f your brains out just the way YOU like it done. Its a standup comedy. I like it, but when I watch on netflix, I need subtitles. I have a bad ear for english. It's very likely I will get 50% of the jokes only... But if its not your cup of tea - then say I would prefer you take me to something I would really like instead. P.S. I know my wife, and also OM enough, as well as even her other ex's before me, and I know what kind of events we/I go to - vs them. We spent a lot time on making sure we only went "us places" on date nights and other times. This got relaxed years later.. a bit. Yep. same here. This a thing looks much more like OM and her than me and her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I am really about to. Hope is the last thing we give up, right? On top of that, we have weak financials and kids. Well..all I can say is I am glad you are getting ready to leave this person. Link to post Share on other sites
Timmos Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I can't tell her I know, because I sneaked into her email (she left it logged in) and looked for it. At this point there shouldn't be a need to sneak into anything. You should have complete access to every account she owns. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Have some backbone. The only reason she suddenly changed her mind to work on the marriage was because her OM got cold feet. You say you have weak financials; go to the concert, then stop before going in, maybe sell them to a random guy/girl outside and go home again, tell your wife she can go on her own. Your kids need that money more than your lying WS who'll probably think to herself "If only he were here instead..." all night. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 wrong. You can tell her you weren't confident that she was telling the truth, so you looked at her email, and found out that your suspicions were correct. There should be no need for "sneaking." Transparency should be the way you live if you plan to see this through. Both the WW and the BS have to be honest to recover the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 At this point there shouldn't be a need to sneak into anything. You should have complete access to every account she owns. First step to rebuilding the broken trust is full access and accountability. Link to post Share on other sites
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