I contacted OM [update: we decided to separate]

[compulsivedancer]

Update from thread starter, posted by moderation:

 

"Anyhow, I wanted to post an update, as we have decided to separate for now"

 

 

I was going to sit this one out, but in his thread H basically asked me to post.

 

A few weeks ago, I went to see OM where he works. I went there because it was the only place I could guarantee he'd be there, and someone else like his parents or girlfriend wouldn't be there.

 

He wouldn't talk to me. He clearly thought I was there to seduce him, and visibly relaxed when I said I was there because I never had a chance to say goodbye. He told me he was really uncomfortable seeing me and gave me 60 seconds to say whatever I wanted to say. My mind went blank, so I left and wrote him a letter, which I stuck on his car.

 

The letter basically told him that I was having a hard time getting past our A, that I had developed feelings for him even though I wasn't supposed to, and that I had been hurting. I sort-of told him I was thankful he'd never contacted me, even if it hurt.

 

I told him that I had not faked anything during the A or ever had another one (or planned to have another one). This was important for me to tell him, as he clearly thought I was some seductive woman come to steal his will when he saw me (his mother implied that I was a bed-hopper who seduced her darling boy in a note she sent to H right after DDay, too).

 

I told him I was sorry for the pain we caused to four people, and for destroying a 15-year friendship. I told him that I had a lot of questions for him, but now I see that it was impossible to have them answered. And I said goodbye, and that I wouldn't contact him again.

 

That's it. Yes, it sounds tiny for all the emotional havoc it caused, but that's what I broke NC for.

 

Why?

I have felt compelled to talk to OM since DDay. After DDay, after spending hours talking to H about the A and about OM, I found out a lot of things about him, about the A, and myself. It fundamentally changed the way I viewed the whole thing. And left me thoroughly confused.

 

I puzzled and puzzled the questions through my mind. I agonized and sifted. When that led me in circles, I tried to move on. I tried being angry, but that simply made me angry at myself, because I was as guilty of everything as he was.

 

I tried forgetting and refocusing. That worked somewhat. I used a coping strategy that has worked in the past...I delayed. I delayed and delayed and delayed, hoping that I would someday not need to any more.

 

In the meantime, things had gotten better with H. And certainly they've gotten better with me and I made a lot of progress - I got control of my life, finances, my job, etc.

 

But then the hysterical bonding ended and I found myself on the back burner again. Date night was over, sex was back to once a week. The gestures like H helping me keep the kitchen clean went away, but H didn't notice because I was doing such a good job keeping it clean on my own. Yay, progress! (H has a standing video game night with his friends but can't manage one night a week with me...and we don't even have kids.)

 

In the meantime we purchased his grandparents' house. I'm the only one on the loan and my entire paycheck goes to the mortgage and bills. When we first bought the house, I told H (who makes about a half-time salary) that we needed to make about $400 more a month. H touched me by making a few calls and figuring out how to make that happen. All of those sources have since dried up and H has made no effort to replace them.

 

I understand. I went through a challenging work scenario for almost two years until I got my current job. But I live in constant financial worry now because I can't depend on him financially. It's been five years since he graduated and he's never managed to make a living that can support roof repairs, children or a mortgage if I lost my job. He has an excellent prospect on the horizon, but it will mean he'll be touring and I'll be even more on the back burner than ever. That and I've learned to be cautiously optimistic about this business.

 

I am more trapped by this house than he is, because I can't unload it on him, and I can't keep it for myself. If I left I wouldn't be able to rent my own place because my house payment is too high.

 

We started talking about kids, which has always been the plan. It's been 5 years since I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy, and I have needed to have children ever since. H and I originally agreed we'd have them before we turned thirty. But when I started my A in 2012 at 28, there were no kids on the horizon.

 

So I love this man, who doesn't want to have a family with me, prioritizes his career consistently over me and over my career. Who can't contribute significantly financially. And who doesn't even really want me much.

 

I turn 30 and he tells me he's not ready for kids. He tells me he thinks we should have separated and he's still not even sure about whether we'll make it long-term.

 

This is July. So I go into counseling shortly afterward because maybe it's me. Maybe I need to make more progress. Maybe I can get over my wish for kids, my wish for a man who actually wants me, my wish for a stable life with a 2-income family.

 

My counselor suggests that OM is symbolic for me of the things I'm missing in my life with H. In the meantime, I sort of break up with H because I'm not sure I want to be a musician's wife any more (he hears that I'm upset he doesn't make enough money). But in the end, we stay together.

 

Finally I tell myself I have to make a decision. So I decide to stay. I decide that I will only judge our relationship on the merits of me and H and stop thinking about OM. And for me this means I need to make a symbolic break with him.

 

I've done this calculation in my head a million times: is it worth H leaving me over doing something I feel I need to do? The answer has always been no. So I've been twisting in the wind and letting it eat me up for the last year and a half.

 

But this time I did the calculation and realized this: I'm going to lose him anyway if I don't get past this. And there's a strong chance one of us will ask to separate here soon anyway. But if I can put OM behind me and be happy with what I've got instead of dwelling on what's missing, there is also a chance I can move forward. I realize there is MORE of a chance of him forgiving me for breaking NC than there is of me successfully moving on in my current state of mind.

 

So there you have it, folks, come what may.

 

I'm sorry, CM, since I haven't laid this all out for you like this, it's gotta hurt to read. But there's where I'm really at. I'm tired and frustrated and angry, and I don't know if I'm ever going to get what I need out of this relationship. But I'm trying to anyway.

 

Do your thing, Loveshack.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[badkarma2013]

i will post this again

All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.

But WS did.

 

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.

That is the hardest thing to live with.

 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.

That time is gone.

 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.

That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.

And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

 

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

 

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.

A more tolerable kind of sadness.

 

 

I could not nor would i EVER forget what my WW did.....i filed for D...I think had I stayed and tried to R ...I truly think this would have been my future!

 

My question to your BH...Why in Gods name are you still with this person...??

 

My hope is that he leaves you asap!! and be in control of his own life..

Edited October 21, 2014 by badkarma2013

[Blackknight]

I broke NC after a year and a half. Actually it was him that reached out but that isn't important. I responded. Unlike you I thought everything was resolved on my side. Then when he asked to talk I got curious and responded. And then we were being inappropriate. All those feelings I thought were gone came flooding back. And now they are gone again and I have put it to rest.

 

Do you feel, you and CM fail, you have put to rest your feelings for OM? Or are you know waiting for a reply?

 

I have only just read some of your story. I think you guys may be a toxic couple and better off apart. But, one of you needs to get the guts to make that happen.

[Sub]

A lot of things said in these threads, a lot of focus on specifics, with the anger, disbelief, etc. I think it's simple after all of this, though. The two of you shouldn't be together.

[Spectre]

You know what? CM needs to drop you CD. Seriously. You wrote this letter so this other d-bag knew the affair was "real" ? Holy sh*t lady, priorities. I can't even comprehend that. Just...wow.

 

You visited him at work because you never had the chance to say goodbye? I..tell me you are messing with us.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Bad karma,

 

So beautifully explained the pain, and why I wonder why would he forgive me? I've done nothing to deserve it and yet he has. Is it a ruse? Has the reality not kicked in and my day is coming where he storms away from his f. Whore wife.

 

Sorry if I'm off topic but this spoke to me so much because it's how I thought he would feel and yet does not. Yet.

[Spectre]

Also please stop saying you love CM. Your entire post contradicts that. It is disturbing to me how important it was for you to make this *other guy* feel comfortable about what happened. That is what I just can't get over. Your mind was focused on this other guy. You had to have a last goodbye, you had to write him letters, etc. I just don't even know what to say.

 

This relationship has become gangrene, sorry.

[badkarma2013]

Bad karma,

 

So beautifully explained the pain, and why I wonder why would he forgive me? I've done nothing to deserve it and yet he has. Is it a ruse? Has the reality not kicked in and my day is coming where he storms away from his f. Whore wife.

 

Sorry if I'm off topic but this spoke to me so much because it's how I thought he would feel and yet does not. Yet.

 

 

80 to 85% of BHS divorce with in 5 years of D_DAY with WWS...Bad odds for Reconciling Wayward Wives..

[Blackknight]

Bad karma,

 

So beautifully explained the pain, and why I wonder why would he forgive me? I've done nothing to deserve it and yet he has. Is it a ruse? Has the reality not kicked in and my day is coming where he storms away from his f. Whore wife.

 

Sorry if I'm off topic but this spoke to me so much because it's how I thought he would feel and yet does not. Yet.

 

No some people's self esteem is wrapped up less in their spouse. Not all BH rect like that. From what i have seen in real life not even most.

[2sunny]

I don't see your actions helping to heal your marriage.

 

Do not have kids.

 

You keep treating your H poorly because you don't respect him.

 

He's been your doormat for too long. Let him be free of your need to have outside validation.

 

Keep working on yourself.

 

 

You keep making poor choices. The M isn't factored into your decisions. Find a new counselor that challenges you to dig deeper into your issues.

 

 

But give your H a chance to live without the drama you consistently hurt him with.

[Blackknight]

80 to 85% of BHS divorce with in 5 years of D_DAY with WWS...Bad odds for Reconciling Wayward Wives..

 

This is simply not true. Nice number to pull out. Is this done by an accredited stat place?because last study I read showed men are less likely to file for divorce than women even in the case of the wife's infidelity. But staying and forgiving are definitely two different things. I am genuinely interested to know where you came up with that one. Women are far more likely to actually leave their husband for the OM so I also wonder if that is skewering the stats.

 

But you know what they say about stats. 92.8% of them are made up on the spot.

[Spectre]

When the partner is more concerned about making the person they cheated with feel better you know it is time to call it quits.

[Blackknight]

When the partner is more concerned about making the person they cheated with feel better you know it is time to call it quits.

 

It wasn't about her making him feel better. If anything she wanted to guilt him. I am not sure where you are getting that. It was about her making herself feel better. So when you accuse someone try to make it at least make sense.

 

Honestly, i think she thought it worth the gamble after all as she said their relationship was doomed anyhow. Apparently the gamble paid off for her because well, he hasn't left yet. Though from the sounds of it I am not sure is much of a prize.

[Clay]

I honestly was very upset when I read your post but I do my best just to point out things I think are wrong with this. I hope this helps you to see what you are doing wrong.

 

A few weeks ago, I went to see OM where he works. I went there because it was the only place I could guarantee he'd be there, and someone else like his parents or girlfriend wouldn't be there.

 

This is probably the worst possible things you could have done. You put yourself in a position to where you can not be accountable for your actions. Your having to see him alone screams that you really want things with him. You should never put yourself alone with any man other than your SO. Especially with your history.

 

The letter basically told him that I was having a hard time getting past our A, that I had developed feelings for him even though I wasn't supposed to, and that I had been hurting.

 

This is another example of why I think you really do want to have a relationship with him. Telling someone you really had feeling for them opens the door for them to express there feelings. This is where you should be shutting things down.

 

 

I sort-of told him I was thankful he'd never contacted me, even if it hurt.

 

This really expresses to me again that you would rather be with him. This are little things people say to trigger a response.

 

I told him that I had not faked anything during the A or ever had another one (or planned to have another one).

 

This really sounds like " I want you to know you were special to me and I meant everything I said" Its another indication that you really want a relationship with him.

 

I realize being on the internet its easy to take anything out of context but seriously if you honestly had no interest in being with the OM then why not include CM in this. Why not be open to him and help him feel more comfortable in your relationship.

 

You probably do have some valid points of how you suffer in your marriage and the choices you both make but you will never get ahead and have a future if you wont trust CM with your feelings like you want him to trust you.

 

Its really up to the both of you if you want to stay together but I can tell you from a person that was betrayed If I had known that my xW was the person she became I would have never had children with her.

 

If you really want to have kids with CM your going to have to make him feel comfortable and safe in your marriage. A marriage is a two way street and honestly the burden will be on you for a long time to show him hes not plan B.

 

I can tell you if it was me I wouldn't have given it another thought. Once I found my xW cheating on me one more time I did not care to what extent it was. I never cared if they even kissed. I was beyond all that when I threw her out.

 

Clearly your putting yourself up on this site one more time knowing your going to take a lot of grief from people. I do think it shows CM that you are still trying to fight for the marriage.

 

I am not writing this to be mean. I am just hoping it helps you see what I think any BS would see.

 

I wish you both the best of luck on this.

 

Clay

[velvette]

Most of what you say doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Did you get the closure you had such a desparate need for? Cant see how if its true OM wouldn't talk to you.

 

What next?

 

I'm quite sure he wasn't afraid of being seduced. That's ridiculous. He's the one who seduced and used you. You really are either very naïve, inexperienced, stupid or just full of yourself. Not sure which it is.

 

Im also pretty sure he tossed the letter in the garbage on his way home. He doesn't care what you felt. The A was about sex to him. It's always about sex unless someone leaves their partner.

 

Whats more interesting is that when all is said and done all the words about what you are unhappy with are just a long winded way of you saying its CM's fault you screwed up.

 

If you are not happy in your M and unable to articulate and negotiate what you want with CM then get a divorce and stop torturing him and yourself.

 

Contacting the OM, creating all this drama is not moving you towards where you want or need to be.

 

Its really cowardly that you laid out all the things you are unhappy with CM about here when you haven't had the guts to discuss them with him.

[compulsivedancer]

Also please stop saying you love CM. Your entire post contradicts that. It is disturbing to me how important it was for you to make this *other guy* feel comfortable about what happened. That is what I just can't get over. Your mind was focused on this other guy. You had to have a last goodbye, you had to write him letters, etc. I just don't even know what to say.

 

This relationship has become gangrene, sorry.

 

It had nothing to do with making him feel better. I needed to get it off my chest. I wanted to talk to him and have him answer my questions, but he wasn't going to go for that, so all that was left was to put my two cents in and tell him what I have been thinking and feeling.

 

I doubt it made him feel "better."

 

The portion you are referring to was partially anger at the possibility that he possibly thinks I'm just some predator out there looking for men to seduce, as that's clearly what his mom thought.

[anne1707]

CD

 

As you may possibly remember, I am a fWS and as I said in your husband's thread, my husband would not have tolerated what you have done.

 

Even if all you say about CM is true, surely you have learnt that reaching out to the OM is not going to help. Surely you have realised by now that you either talk to CM and work it through together or you talk to him, nothing changes so you end the marriage (such that it is now).

 

You and CM are responsible for the state of your marriage. However you are totally responsible for your acts when you reached out to the OM. Stop shifting the blame and accept responsibility AND accountability for what you have done.

[stillmind]

After reading this I think the broken NC is the least of your problems. You and CM have different goals and values. You're just wrong for each other.

 

We all owe it to ourselves to seek happiness. Stop beating this dead horse of a marriage and go find it.

[beach]

You think tooooo much of how you "feel" and too little of how your husband must feel.

 

 

 

Feelings will get you into trouble every time. Especially when you worry so much what others think of you.

 

You aren't married to them. Yet you show your husband so much disrespect by your actions and "your feelings".

 

Stop thinking about yourself. You've been selfish through all of it.

 

If you can't begin to put your husband's feelings before your own the divorce him.

[No Limit]

Your focus is still in OM's direction. And I doubt you'll ever fully turn away from him. I hope your husband has the strength to go his own path.

[whichwayisup]

I was going to sit this one out, but in his thread H basically asked me to post.

 

A few weeks ago, I went to see OM where he works. I went there because it was the only place I could guarantee he'd be there, and someone else like his parents or girlfriend wouldn't be there.

Why didn't tell your husband first, before doing this? Hiding it for a few days made it all so much worse and not showing him the letter, allowing him to read it, also hasn't helped. He feels hurt that you went behind his back, again.

 

Carefully planning this to make sure no gf or anybody else would be there just shows how much thought you've put into this...

 

He wouldn't talk to me. He clearly thought I was there to seduce him, and visibly relaxed when I said I was there because I never had a chance to say goodbye. He told me he was really uncomfortable seeing me and gave me 60 seconds to say whatever I wanted to say. My mind went blank, so I left and wrote him a letter, which I stuck on his car.

 

He didn't want to speak to you because he's done! He's moved on past the A and living his life again.

 

That letter, did you write it then and there or did you write it before you ever left the house?

 

The letter basically told him that I was having a hard time getting past our A, that I had developed feelings for him even though I wasn't supposed to, and that I had been hurting. I sort-of told him I was thankful he'd never contacted me, even if it hurt.

Closure comes within. Your truth is yours, his truth is his... He didn't help you get closure CD. Not at all.

I told him that I had not faked anything during the A or ever had another one (or planned to have another one). This was important for me to tell him, as he clearly thought I was some seductive woman come to steal his will when he saw me (his mother implied that I was a bed-hopper who seduced her darling boy in a note she sent to H right after DDay, too).

 

All dramatic and a web of lies and manipulation. You both are/were at fault for the affair. You betrayed your H, he betrayed his best friend. Doesn't matter who made the first move, it turned into an affair.

I told him I was sorry for the pain we caused to four people, and for destroying a 15-year friendship. I told him that I had a lot of questions for him, but now I see that it was impossible to have them answered. And I said goodbye, and that I wouldn't contact him again.

 

Do you actually mean this? Can you let go and make your own closure? Can you focus on getting rid of exOM out of your system and fix yourself? Can you attempt to make up and recommit to your husband? He's given you chance after chance and you keep blowing it.

That's it. Yes, it sounds tiny for all the emotional havoc it caused, but that's what I broke NC for.

 

Sadly for you, the consequence of doing that, is huge and on the expense of your husband. You never once thought how he'd feel? Why is/was it more important for you to get such closure and speak to exOM rather than be a total open book to your husband? Why are your feelings more important than your H's?

 

 

Why?

I have felt compelled to talk to OM since DDay. After DDay, after spending hours talking to H about the A and about OM, I found out a lot of things about him, about the A, and myself. It fundamentally changed the way I viewed the whole thing. And left me thoroughly confused.

 

And as messed up as it is, some things are left better unknown and left alone. Counseling didn't help, it fueled your obsession. Your T didn't help you make peace with all this, to forgive yourself and exOM so you could move on.

 

I puzzled and puzzled the questions through my mind. I agonized and sifted. When that led me in circles, I tried to move on. I tried being angry, but that simply made me angry at myself, because I was as guilty of everything as he was.

 

You haven't forgiven yourself, that's for sure. You need to find a new therapist and put this to bed for good. Regardless if your husband is there at the end of all this or not, you're broken and it's time to put the pieces back together to fix yourself.

 

 

 

In the meantime, things had gotten better with H. And certainly they've gotten better with me and I made a lot of progress - I got control of my life, finances, my job, etc.

Sadly, that's a farce, all that hard work has been undone. It was a false sense of security for you both...

 

But then the hysterical bonding ended and I found myself on the back burner again. Date night was over, sex was back to once a week. The gestures like H helping me keep the kitchen clean went away, but H didn't notice because I was doing such a good job keeping it clean on my own. Yay, progress! (H has a standing video game night with his friends but can't manage one night a week with me...and we don't even have kids.)

 

you both dropped the ball if this truly is the case, things slipped backwards instead of going forwards.

In the meantime we purchased his grandparents' house. I'm the only one on the loan and my entire paycheck goes to the mortgage and bills. When we first bought the house, I told H (who makes about a half-time salary) that we needed to make about $400 more a month. H touched me by making a few calls and figuring out how to make that happen. All of those sources have since dried up and H has made no effort to replace them.

 

So he is hoping you'll pay the bills and he won't have to find another job or a second job?

I understand. I went through a challenging work scenario for almost two years until I got my current job. But I live in constant financial worry now because I can't depend on him financially. It's been five years since he graduated and he's never managed to make a living that can support roof repairs, children or a mortgage if I lost my job. He has an excellent prospect on the horizon, but it will mean he'll be touring and I'll be even more on the back burner than ever. That and I've learned to be cautiously optimistic about this business.

You two obviously have had marital issues before the A and those problems are still there post-affair. question is, IS this fixable? Is it something you want to fix? Is it something he wants to fix? Or would it be easier to just divorce? No decision has to be made right away but you two must start being completely honest and blunt with one another, lay it ALL out on the line.

 

We started talking about kids, which has always been the plan. It's been 5 years since I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy, and I have needed to have children ever since. H and I originally agreed we'd have them before we turned thirty. But when I started my A in 2012 at 28, there were no kids on the horizon.

 

Will reply more later, dinner time here.

[A.Moscote]

I'm sorry, CM, since I haven't laid this all out for you like this...

I needed to get it off my chest. I wanted to talk to him and have him answer my questions, but he wasn't going to go for that...

What? Your posts above have never been conveyed and discussed together? Crappy communication.

 

Both of you are wasting the reconciliation, each one seems to just kept things within own self, apart from each other.

 

It's a shame, it is so close.

[beach]

Have you peeked at him online at all since seeing him?

[Allumere]

Seems to be the theme today as I have already taken a launch off my soapbox once.

 

I guess the reality is no one should be surprised. If someone has opted to enter into an affair (it is a choice regardless of reason), why is it shocking that they would take another selfish action. At this point it is all about feeding their needs period. There is no impulse control. It's like a drug addict itching for a fix and being so horribly broken that they will DO ANYTHING to get one. No difference here.... she is so wrapped up in this relationship that she can't let it go, she can't move on without closure...hmmm...common theme on LS isn't it. Well just like most breakups THERE IS NO CLOSURE and the advise is NO CONTACT/get on with your life. There was zero reason to see him. You did that because you expected something otherwise a letter, which you could have discussed or shown your husband prior to sending, would have fit the bill nicely. Nope, you crossed the line again because you wanted to see him. Look, I have nothing personally against you. I have no wish for you to fail BUT given where things currently stand you give us nothing to route for.

[NJ123]

This thread is so depressing. Think I'm going to stop going on this section of the site.