NC breach. Shields were down, hull damaged.

[Compulsive Musician]

In the year and a half (geez is that all?) that's passed since the affair, I have grown, developed, adapted as a person.

 

I am fundamentally the same, and substantially different. My outlook and goals, how I see myself in the world around me, and how I conceptualize human relations.. they've all kind of experienced paradigm shifts.

 

I still have my dark days, but they are spread out. Life has gone on in pretty wonderful ways overall. I still have moments where I ponder whether or not we will stay together, but it is now just as rooted in curiosity and adventure as it was in pain. The 'math' for desired life always works (by an ever changing margin) in CD's (Compulsive Dancer) favor.

 

I was on the way back from a gig, and over the course of the long drive home, I found myself in a dark spot. These happen, protocol seems to be: I become somewhat moody (usually only toward CD), I keep to myself and invariably life provides something ELSE to ponder (or I go to bed).

 

I've learned to recognize unhelpful thoughts, to see and emancipate myself from the negative feedback loops my mind so readily weaves.

 

Three nights ago, this dark spot in hardly any different than its predecessors.

 

Until CD informs me she broke NC three weeks ago.

 

Now a reminder for the kids at home keeping score (this saga is all laid out here on LS, for the curious backstory readers):

 

-January 29th, 2013 was D-Day. NC rules established (for presumably obvious reasons)

 

-sometime last fall, CD 'accidentally' runs into Douche. Total accident. You know, she just went to the place he works, during the hours he works there, to drop off some books (it's a library) and somehow, just UNFATHOMABLY, 'oops' they crossed paths. Man, if those libraries could only think of -some way- to acommodate book drops any time of day, this could've been avoided.

 

I feel the agenda is unambiguous here.

 

-she spend THE REST OF THE YEAR searching his name multiple times a day, on google, google plus, fb (him, his friends and family, anything to get a glimpse of him. Funny given he's not a notably attractive guy)... you know, only when shes bored and stuff..presumably my wife is easily bored.

 

-three weeks ago, she intentionally sought him out to give him a letter. She meets him at work, he won't acknowledge her (kudos to him). She pursues him as he tries to exit the scenario, and he tells her she's got 60 seconds to say whatever, then go. He's not comfortable talking to her. She leaves him a letter on his truck, since he won't take it.

 

 

So, I see that as 3 ever increasing, glaring breaches of NC.

 

She swears she 'needed to for closure'. That she 'never got to say goodbye'. That 'her views and positions (presumably not sexual positions for him this time around) have changed,' that she 'needed to let him know'.

 

Bonus frustration, requiring even MORE faith in a self-absorbed liar: She wrote, printed, and deleted the file of this letter at work, so I will never know what it actually said.

 

CD is pretty straightforward. She's (presumably out of guilty conscience) told me about NC breaches 1 and 3... granted weeks after the fact (actually, MONTHS after the 1st one). What she says feels and sounds true.

 

Her ego seemingly refuses to accept she was just a **** doll (even though that was their original agreement). For her, it needs to be more.

 

Her validation issues often place her (by her telling) at the center of thoughts, conversations, and event that are often tangentially related to her at best. To her credit, she's gotten better about this. But it's deep.

 

Ask her about the underlying 'why' of her actions ('why is this important', 'why do you think this will improve things', 'why are you still hung up on X, Y, Z'), and the response is almost always 'I don't know'.

 

CD is seeing a therapist, and in general, she's getting her life together. It's been pretty cool to watch it happen.

 

The affair served as a catalyst for both of us to evaluate everything, and outside of the relationship, everything is a LOT better.

 

Now pair ALL OF THIS with the fact she turned 30, is freaking out about her age, and the pressure of having kids is at a whole new level from her. At times like these, it can feel like its her way of trying to trap me.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable for me to feel rushed and uncomfortable with starting a family, given our current circumstances.

 

I suppose I'm just venting. I don't have people I can really vent to about these things. It would just make people hate her, and while that would seem inviting when I'm pissed, it wouldn't be helpful the REST of the time. I do not want to have to attack and defend for perspective to others. More anger doesn't make for more peace.

[Hobbes' wagon]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

How do you feel?

 

What are you thinking of doing?

 

How many more chances will she get?

 

Best wishes!

[revelations]

CM based on what you just wrote I could understand you being angry. However just as you so wisely pointed out, anger does not solve the problem. To me it seems like CD has a sever lack of respect for you and does not care if her actions hurt you. After all it has been a long time and by now I am sure that CD understands how badly her actions have hurt you. The thing is instead of trying to heal and show you that she is now trustworthy (you know something that she promised she was when you said "I do"), she is going out of her way to prove she is not trustworthy. You may be looking at CD and her actions differently than I am, this I can understand, after all you did marry her for a reason. At this point and seeing these actions CD has taken I would file for divorce. You have given her more chances than most people would have. You have done the heavy lifting and been very understanding. The truth is that CD is not doing the same in return.

 

If she is just turning 30 and freaking out about it, you had better well believe that her cheating days are probably not over. After all if she is bold enough to seek out her xOM to talk and pass letters to, then she will be willing to do more. I hate to say this, but CD just wants you their as a shoulder to cry on and support when one of her flings does not work out. When you tell her that she is pretty, this no longer validates her. So she needs it from someone else and of course this leads to the bedroom. Let's face it the only reason she is seeking out her xOM is to validate herself and she is not thinking about how this will effect you. This is because it is only her feelings that are important and not yours. I don't mean to sound rude to you CM, however this is the kind of woman you RUN from, not walk away from. I can tell you that based on your posts and CD's posts on here (and I have read them all) your days of her cheating are probably not over. You may not find out about it when it happens, it may be 10 or 15 years later, however I give it high odds that she will cheat again.

 

I wish I could tell you something different, however if I did then I would be doing you an injustice. Please sit down and really look at your situation from a third persons point of view. If your best friend was telling you your same story would you advise him to hang in their? Probably not, you would probably tell that friend to get away from her. CD has already proven to you time and time again that your feelings, your emotions, your mental well being does not matter to her. I can say this because if it did matter to CD then she would not be doing these things. Needing closer is just an excuse to justify her actions. Do some thinking about this. Then I would suggest freeing yourself from her and start trying to enjoy life without all this drama that CD is creating. You are going to have to look out for your own well being, because if you don't no one will. I think you know that you cannot count on CD to look out for your well being. I hope things improve for you CM and that you make the right choices. I hate seeing a man destroyed from the inside by a cheating wife that thinks of only herself. Hopefully you will start thinking of yourself a little and realize that you do not deserve to be treated like this. Well I'll get off my soap box now and wish you a good day sir.

[Clay]

I really don't think you are both good for each other. If she clearly needed this why did she not bring this to you. The part about reconciling is about being truly open and transparent. The other part that bothers me is why did she have to see him in person. Its one thing to write a good bye letter for closure but seeing him and being alone with him.

 

It really does not sound like it was just a good bye letter. If it was then why not show you the letter and work with you on her feelings.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

You clearly are a much better person than me I am not sure I would be able to deal with this all over again.

 

Clay

[Owl]

I'm usually one of the "reconcile" gang that tries to post advice to folks to help them reconcile. Given that, my next comments should be taken with that in mind.

 

Her last action...writing a letter, delivering it, and ensuring that you cannot see the contents...do indeed indicate a massive lack of respect towards you.

 

She does not respect you.

 

She does not care about you enough to make any kind of safe relationship partner.

 

Why she did this...irrelevent. What the letter contained...equally so.

 

The fact that she did this, this far into 'recovery'...is a clear and concise indicator that she simply didn't care enough about you, nor her relationship with you, not to do this.

 

Personally, I would recommend this be a 'last straw'. She's not relationship material. Cut your losses and run.

 

And this from someone who did successfully reconcile.

[velvette]

I'm usually one of the "reconcile" gang that tries to post advice to folks to help them reconcile. Given that, my next comments should be taken with that in mind.

 

Her last action...writing a letter, delivering it, and ensuring that you cannot see the contents...do indeed indicate a massive lack of respect towards you.

 

She does not respect you.

 

She does not care about you enough to make any kind of safe relationship partner.

 

Why she did this...irrelevent. What the letter contained...equally so.

 

The fact that she did this, this far into 'recovery'...is a clear and concise indicator that she simply didn't care enough about you, nor her relationship with you, not to do this.

 

Personally, I would recommend this be a 'last straw'. She's not relationship material. Cut your losses and run.

 

And this from someone who did successfully reconcile.

 

I think and have long thought your W is a toxic person. You cant have a safe or healthy R with a toxic person.

 

Everything is about her imo.

 

What shes done is brazen and basically just a big "FU, I'm going to do what I want to do no matter how it hurts you."

 

And, she cant even claim ignorance of how hurtful it would be because she's seen it on here a million times.

 

She clearly requires more therapy to fix whatever is at the root of her behavior.

 

Sometimes when people are this toxic, you need to let them go to fix their own crap.

 

One thing is for sure. You cant have a successful reconciliation with a liar.

[anne1707]

I am so sorry to hear this CM and I am so disappointed in CD. As a fWS, if my husband had found that I had done what CD has done, he would have had my bags packed and waiting outside the door for me when I got home. As Owl said, for her to do this so far into the reconciliation process is very bad. It also makes me question how much time she spends emotionally wrapped up in thinking about the exOM when all her focus should be on you and your marriage.

 

Don't sit back and take this quietly. Don't gloss over this. Don't let her get away with this blatant lack of respect and consideration.

 

I just cannot see how CD could possibly justify or even try to excuse what she has done. There is no justification at all for such cruel behaviour.

[peaksandvalleys]

Sir, you need to run.

[No Limit]

You are playing with your future here. And it needn't be a guessing game if you'd just stomp your foot to the ground for once and stood your ground.

The "baby pressure" should also worry you. Whenever you become a father, surely you want to raise your own children that you're blood-related to, right?

[gettingstronger]

It must be difficult to love someone who is so deeply damaged. I feel for you. I am with the others that say it's time to part ways. Easier said than done I am sure so we will be here to try to offer advice no matter what path you decide. As always, take care of you. You can get lost in trying to save another.

[thummper]

I've been in her corner since I first became aware of your situation. She seemed so sincere in her desire to put that terrible mistake behind her and totally reconnect with you. I don't know if I've ever been more disappointed in someone I had come to admire and respect. Sounds ridiculous I know, but when I first read your latest post, I actually felt sick to my stomach. Keep the faith, CM.

[JS84]

I'm not familiar with your story as everyone else is but the only advice I can give is DO NOT KNOCK HER UP.

[DKT3]

I've been in her corner since I first became aware of your situation. She seemed so sincere in her desire to put that terrible mistake behind her and totally reconnect with you. I don't know if I've ever been more disappointed in someone I had come to admire and respect. Sounds ridiculous I know, but when I first read your latest post, I actually felt sick to my stomach. Keep the faith, CM.

 

Not ridiculous because I felt the same way reading this. I kept thinking NO, oh NO as I was reading.

 

With that being said, this comment had me very worried about where her head was

 

compulsivedancer wrote

*

I guess this is how I feel when I'm upset: I've been ready for years, and he was still talking two years when the affair started. Now that there's so much more at stake, why should I believe he'll ever want kids with me?

 

The tone has changed. We're talking a lot more specifically about kids these days. It's just really easy to lose faith.

 

 

In some ways, but in this case I'm worried that it'll never change. I'm worried that there will always be a reason to push it back further because he'll never really be ready.

 

CM I have never spoken to you here, but I have with CD and I really believed in her. To me this is shocking and in a way I feel slightly betrayed.

[whatatangledweb]

How many chances are you going to give her? I have followed both of you and I saw how you gave her another chance after the bs reason for stalking him online. Then she does this. What would worry me is what would have happened if the OM would have wanted to restart the affair. Would she have done it?

 

She wants kids right now yet she contines this. I would not be able to trust her again nor would I start a family with someone who puts her needs above others not caring about the pain she causes them.

 

Her excuse just don't make sence. She has been obsessed with him a year and a half since it ended. I was one that also believed her about out hard she was trying. She was not trying hard enough. I'm sorry but I would have divorced over this latest betrayal. Too many strikes...went to see him, tried to talk to him, left a letter to him, deleted the original so you can't see what she really wrote.

[HereNorThere]

I kinda figured something was up recently.

 

The only thing that gives me any sort of hope in this situation is the fact that it does sound like you have her figured it.

 

See, she's really, really, super good at the rationalization, justification, woe is me, selfish self-absorption thing, but it seems like you've already caught onto it. You combine that with her lack of impulse control, and she's really just a ticking time bomb. Sure, she'll admit things like this to you, but it's not out of loyalty, it comes from a place of selfishness as well. Telling you relieves her guilt by selfishly transferring it over to you.

 

I want to recommend something to you that I think most people will not like. I suggest that you go talk to your friend. Sure, he really, really messed up, but at the same time, your wife went over there and offered it up on a plate. I think he has more answers for you than she does. Something tells me that things didn't go down exactly the way she said they did. Dude, she's obsessed with him, but I don't think it's the other way around. She basically dangled a glass of water in front of a man in the desert. She's made comments in other threads that lead me to believe she's told him things you arent supposed to know.

 

It sucks man and I'd give anything to buy you a beer. You already know how she is and that's that. You have to figure out whether or not you can accept living with someone who is this selfish, obsessive and impulsive. If you stay, you're gonna have to be on your toes and always make sure you know what her latest obsession is. It may be your best friend one week, having a baby the next, and then your best friend again... Or not, but it will always be something. It will get harder because she's figuring out your methods, but she'll always find a way to do whatever she wants.

 

You seem like the world's chilliest guy and I'm sorry you reached the event horizon of this emotional blackhole. You still have a chance to walk away with your life in tact. Once you have a kid, it's game over.

 

At least talk to an attorney and for god sakes, buy some condoms.

[billy baru]

CM,

 

You deserve better.

 

"Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater". You gave her another chance, she threw it right back at you with all the disrespect she could. Don't stand for that, man.

 

BB

[velvette]

CM

 

It seems clear from CD's behavior and what you have said that she has a mess of issues to unravel.

 

Sometimes, often, if we are with people like this, we have complementary issues of our own. Even if you don't, living with other people's dysfunctional behavior is enough to give you issues.

 

Loveshack is fine for a sanity check, venting, perspective etc. But, it cant take the place of therapy if that's what's needed.

 

You mentioned that you don't have people you want to talk to in real life. You might benefit from your own therapist to hash this out with.

 

Your posts frequently have a sort of parental tone in recounting and analyzing CD's behavior. That's not a good recipe for a R where one person is the naughty child acting out their childhood(FOO)issues and the other is the rescuing parent.

 

Not to mention that on top of whatever dynamic already existed, this ongoing deceit from CD is emotionally abusive behavior towards you. Stick around for enough of it and you will lose yourself and your ability to sort out whats what.

[HermioneG]

I'm usually one of the "reconcile" gang that tries to post advice to folks to help them reconcile. Given that, my next comments should be taken with that in mind.

 

Her last action...writing a letter, delivering it, and ensuring that you cannot see the contents...do indeed indicate a massive lack of respect towards you.

 

She does not respect you.

 

She does not care about you enough to make any kind of safe relationship partner.

 

Why she did this...irrelevent. What the letter contained...equally so.

 

The fact that she did this, this far into 'recovery'...is a clear and concise indicator that she simply didn't care enough about you, nor her relationship with you, not to do this.

 

Personally, I would recommend this be a 'last straw'. She's not relationship material. Cut your losses and run.

 

And this from someone who did successfully reconcile.

 

Every word of this. Every word.

[thummper]

CM have you demanded to know what was in the letter she gave him (or at least gave to his truck?) I can't help but wonder if it was full of pinings and regret, not "regret" for what they did to you, but regret in the fact that they had to end their dalliance and sexual romps and then *sob* just didn't have a chance so say "Good-bye" to each other. How touching. Sorry. My mood has gone from depressed to furious. I really believed in her, but now I feel like I was sold shares in the Brooklyn Bridge and just found out I was flim-flammed. Does she really understand what she's done by this further betrayal? Doesn't she care that this one thoughtless act could actually be the final thing that ends her marriage? She must be totally obsessed with this guy. How high school can you get?!

[Friskyone4u]

This one is simple my friend. Your wife is still emotionally involved with this man and if he was to change his mind and want her again you will be right back where you started.

If you have a child with her you will pay the price.

These were deliberate breaches of NC and it looks like she will get away with it.

You can do better. Get rid of her

[thummper]

I personally believe that CD is desperate to be a mother, and it's not happening for her.

[Bryanp]

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Unfortunately for you her actions speak volumes. Enough is enough. It is obvious that she does respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[HereNorThere]

When a guy tracks someone's moves online, leaves notes on a car, corners someone at their place of employment...

 

It's called STALKING, not breaking NC.

[Hope Shimmers]

Put me down as someone who believed in CD and is really disappointed and disillusioned to read this.

 

CM, it's time to move on. She would not be doing these things with OM if she did not think/obsess about him still. Find someone who will make you the #1 priority. Women like that do exist.

[Hope Shimmers]

I personally believe that CD is desperate to be a mother, and it's not happening for her.

 

Well maybe her choices to sleep with her H's best friend had something to do with that not happening.

 

But now, what does that have to do with her disrespect by contacting OM?