I cheated on my husband.

[leabee]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2. He is the most loving and caring person I have ever met and is the first person to love me unconditionally. I love him with all my heart and always will.

 

I still cheated. 9 months ago I cheated with a mutual friend whilst my husband was asleep in our bedroom. Two weeks later I met up with the guy and did it again. I disgustingly allowed my husband to drive me to the tram stop and pick me up when I was meeting this OM. We also exchanged sexual text messages and emails. These stopped after a few weeks and then restarted again a few months later. Whilst I didn't want to meet up with the OM again I engaged in flirtatious and sexual messages because I was fearful that he would tell my husband. Thankfully, the messages just stopped by me just being courteous and pretending like nothing happened and going back to how we interacted before we had slept together.

 

Then, my husband and I decided to try for a baby, we had worked very hard and sacrificed a lot for many years so we could be in a position to raise a child, and now we are. I became pregnant very quickly and was over joyed. Yes I was feeling guilty before I became pregnant, but continued to justify not coming clean to my husband by saying "I deserved this guilt, I need to live with it and I can not risk causing him so much pain".

 

When I became pregnant however, I was consumed with guilt and anxiety. I would look and my husband and be disgusted with myself at what I had done. I still kept it from him for three more months. I promised I would be the wife he deserved me to be, and actively made changes to improve our relationship (although constant morning sickness got in the way a little). As my health began to suffer I became worried about our baby's health and realised I needed to show my husband the respect I didn't show him when I strayed. I knew that for us to be a strong and healthy family, I needed to be open and honest with him. I told him what I had done 3 days ago and understandably he is devastated.

 

I could talk about how I cheated because; our sex life at home wasn't great, or because of my lack of self worth, respect and self-esteem but I know that none of these can justify my hurting the most important person in my life.

 

He has agreed to go to counselling and we have an appointment in a few days. I know it is I that have put us in this position and I am willing to work at changing my behaviour and becoming the wife I want to be. I want to explore the reasons why I did this and overcome them so that he will eventually regain trust and love for me. I am prepared to do what it takes to rebuild our marriage.

 

I am distraught at the pain, hurt and anger I have caused him and can't begin to understand how much he must hate me right now. Thought of this being on his mind daily and effecting his sleep is killing me and I can't imagine what it is like for him.

 

I am writing a journal directed at him daily, to demonstrate my remorse and express what I will do to get us through this. He says he does still love me and wants to be with me. He hasn't read the journal yet and I understand that at the minute what it is, is just "words" and that it is my behaviour that will prove I am remorseful and have learnt from my mistakes. I am telling him constantly that I love him, how special he is and how much he means to me. I am showing him affection, which at times is rejected and I understand why. I have and will continue to be open and honest with the questions he has as I know we need to do this if we are to move forward, despite the my shame, disgust and embarrassment. I am asking him a lot if he wishes to talk about it, or has any questions.

 

I so desperately want to be able to help him heal and re-build our marriage but I am not sure how best to go about it. Am I doing the right things?

I look at him daily and realise how wonderful a father he will be and I want us to be able to raise our child together in a loving happy home. I have realised the selfless love he has always given and how so very important he is to me. I know I did wrong and people are right to judge me, but any advice you have on what I need to do to help him through this would be really appreciated.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs.

[Sub]

I have to say, I think you've done a lot right here in regards to your relationship with your H: the disclosure, the counseling, the talking, the journal. So kudos for that and hang in there. You seem like you're on the right track. Although I may ease up on saying "I love you" constantly. Actions are more important, and those words can tend to lose their effect after a while if said incessantly.

 

My main question: What's become of the OM? You said he's a mutual friend. Has your H addressed him?

[leabee]

Thank you for your kind words!

 

 

With regards to the OM, my Husband contact him and told him knew, the OM apologised and said he would disappear from our lives. I've deleted any way I had of contacting him and have promised my husband that if he contacts me or I bump into him I will let my husband know.

 

 

I just don't know what to do for the best for my husband!

[Sofie2013]

You did the right thing and I know from first hand it’s difficult to do- I am glad you came clean with him.

 

He is in shock right now. Give him time. It is not something that will fix itself in 24 hours. What the future holds we cannot say. Also make sure you do everything in your in power to help your husband move pass your cheating. You have been given a wonderful second chance not a lot of us get one so make sure he never regrets giving you one.

 

Ps. Take care of yourself. Infidelity alone is a lot to overcome and now add baby to it but it can also be a blessing.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, you've done a TON of things right.

 

Statistically, a voluntary disclosure doubles your chances at reconciling. It is HUGE because it demonstrates true remorse. When an affair is instead discovered, the betrayed spouse has no idea if your remorse is true or just another lie because it was forced.

 

Absolutely keep up the honesty, even when it's absolutely brutal. Men do have a hell of a time with the physical aspect of a wife cheating but by and large, it's the lies and deception that do the most harm. Your best bet is to commit to NEVER lying to him again. Who wants a partner in life that is willing to lie to them?

 

Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. And keep reading and posting.

 

Good question from the other poster about the OM. Committing to having No Contact (NC) for life is probably a must.

 

Enroll in individual therapy to determine why you chose this route. Even if you had marital problems, cheating obviously doesn't solve them. And your husband was in the same marriage and didn't cheat. Avoid any references to the marriage when discussing your poor decision. Your marriage didn't cause you to cheat. Your decision is what took you there. So dig deep into why you made that particular choice instead of the other options. Are you severely conflict avoidant? Have an excessive need for external validation? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? If you can determine your personal "why," then you may be better prepared to avoid that coping mechanism in the future and your husband can feel less worried about suffering a repeat performance.

[leabee]

You did the right thing and I know from first hand it’s difficult to do- I am glad you came clean with him.

 

He is in shock right now. Give him time. It is not something that will fix itself in 24 hours. What the future holds we cannot say. Also make sure you do everything in your in power to help your husband move pass your cheating. You have been given a wonderful second chance not a lot of us get one so make sure he never regrets giving you one.

 

Ps. Take care of yourself. Infidelity alone is a lot to overcome and now add baby to it but it can also be a blessing.

 

 

Thank you. I am so grateful he is giving me this chance. I don't deserve it, I know. What I did showed a complete lack of respect and love for my husband and I have to strive to change myself. I will do everything in my power to help us overcome this, trouble is, sometimes, I just don't know what to do,

[leabee]

Yes, you've done a TON of things right.

 

Statistically, a voluntary disclosure doubles your chances at reconciling. It is HUGE because it demonstrates true remorse. When an affair is instead discovered, the betrayed spouse has no idea if your remorse is true or just another lie because it was forced.

 

Absolutely keep up the honesty, even when it's absolutely brutal. Men do have a hell of a time with the physical aspect of a wife cheating but by and large, it's the lies and deception that do the most harm. Your best bet is to commit to NEVER lying to him again. Who wants a partner in life that is willing to lie to them?

 

Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. And keep reading and posting.

 

Good question from the other poster about the OM. Committing to having No Contact (NC) for life is probably a must.

 

Enroll in individual therapy to determine why you chose this route. Even if you had marital problems, cheating obviously doesn't solve them. And your husband was in the same marriage and didn't cheat. Avoid any references to the marriage when discussing your poor decision. Your marriage didn't cause you to cheat. Your decision is what took you there. So dig deep into why you made that particular choice instead of the other options. Are you severely conflict avoidant? Have an excessive need for external validation? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? If you can determine your personal "why," then you may be better prepared to avoid that coping mechanism in the future and your husband can feel less worried about suffering a repeat performance.

 

 

Thank you, I am going to mention to the MC on Thursday with my husband if they think Individual Counselling will help. I think you're right and that I need to explore my own issues, insecurities and overcome them. I feel I did need external validation, which is even more difficult for me to comprehend since my husband has always validated me and made me feel loved. I thought, exploring these issues in MC would show my husband that I am going to be open and honest and committed to change.

[BetrayedH]

Being proactively transparent is another huge step you can take. Your life should be an open book.

 

If you're going to be five minutes late because you're picking up some milk, you text him a picture of you at the store with the milk. Don't let him get anxious about your whereabouts; anticipate his anxiety and head it off at the pass.

 

As for "words" as another poster mentioned, many times they do ring hollow in the first weeks and months after Dday. I found that a simple and heartfelt, "I'm sorry" was typically the most effective. I also found physical touch to be helpful but some betrayed spouses react differently. Some crave physical contact and sex, as a sort of reclaiming of their wife (and her ass) and some need a good long amount of time before they can touch you. Find out what works for your husband.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, I am going to mention to the MC on Thursday with my husband if they think Individual Counselling will help. I think you're right and that I need to explore my own issues, insecurities and overcome them. I feel I did need external validation, which is even more difficult for me to comprehend since my husband has always validated me and made me feel loved. I thought, exploring these issues in MC would show my husband that I am going to be open and honest and committed to change.

 

Yes, I tend to think that MC is a wise idea to help show your commitment. Keep in mind though that MCs have a tendency to try to confront both partners about their contributions to the marriage. Some even suggest that both parties bear some responsibility for an affair. If you hear anything remotely like that, you need to RUN from that MC. It's imperative that you don't allow any sort of "blameshifting" onto your H.

 

As for external validation, it can be a really insidious "need." As a marriage progresses, the validation we get from a spouse becomes less and less valuable. It's not much of an ego boost. He is, after all, contractually bound to you. In fact, he's not even allowed to have sex with anyone else. So his advances don't do much for you. But that new guy at work? If he gives you new attention, that's very validating. Even moreso if he's married because you'd really have to be something special for him to risk his marriage and family. That's a huge rgo stroke. It's nearly impossible for your husband to compete.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, I am going to mention to the MC on Thursday with my husband if they think Individual Counselling will help.

 

It might be wise to schedule this on your own. Efforts mean a lot more when they aren't prompted. Keep the word "proactive" in mind. If you own as much if the healing process as possible, it will mean much more than just being in some kind of reactive damage-control mode.

 

For what it's worth, I applaud your efforts. Few waywards have the courage to make the confession and take ownership of their choice to have an affair. You are lightyears ahead of most.

[leabee]

Being proactively transparent is another huge step you can take. Your life should be an open book.

 

If you're going to be five minutes late because you're picking up some milk, you text him a picture of you at the store with the milk. Don't let him get anxious about your whereabouts; anticipate his anxiety and head it off at the pass.

 

As for "words" as another poster mentioned, many times they do ring hollow in the first weeks and months after Dday. I found that a simple and heartfelt, "I'm sorry" was typically the most effective. I also found physical touch to be helpful but some betrayed spouses react differently. Some crave physical contact and sex, as a sort of reclaiming of their wife (and her ass) and some need a good long amount of time before they can touch you. Find out what works for your husband.

 

 

Thanks. I am striving to be more affectionate and understanding when I am rebuffed. There are times when the sight of me must make him feel sick. But I do think he maybe sick of "my words" and I know it is my actions and consistent and long term change that will prove these words aren't hollow or manipulative. As regards to the physical contact, I have an over whelming desire myself, to be physically close to him all the time. And to make "emotional love" if that makes sense? When we have it feels like I am rediscovering him all over again. It feels intense and I just can't stop kissing him and telling him I love him. Trouble is, I'm sure he isn't experiencing it quite the same right now.

[Sub]

Trouble is, I'm sure he isn't experiencing it quite the same right now.

 

Patience. And tempering expectations. You're going to have to let him take it at his own pace. Show him an understanding of this and it will help. The pregnancy may cause him to be a little more measured with you, which can be good and bad. Good in that it's another thing to bond over and look forward to as a couple. Bad in that it may cause him to suppress some anger that may crop up down the line.

[revelations]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2. He is the most loving and caring person I have ever met and is the first person to love me unconditionally. I love him with all my heart and always will.

I still cheated. 9 months ago I cheated with a mutual friend whilst my husband was asleep in our bedroom. Two weeks later I met up with the guy and did it again. I disgustingly allowed my husband to drive me to the tram stop and pick me up when I was meeting this OM. We also exchanged sexual text messages and emails. These stopped after a few weeks and then restarted again a few months later. Whilst I didn't want to meet up with the OM again I engaged in flirtatious and sexual messages because I was fearful that he would tell my husband. Thankfully, the messages just stopped by me just being courteous and pretending like nothing happened and going back to how we interacted before we had slept together.

Then, my husband and I decided to try for a baby, we had worked very hard and sacrificed a lot for many years so we could be in a position to raise a child, and now we are. I became pregnant very quickly and was over joyed. Yes I was feeling guilty before I became pregnant, but continued to justify not coming clean to my husband by saying "I deserved this guilt, I need to live with it and I can not risk causing him so much pain".

When I became pregnant however, I was consumed with guilt and anxiety. I would look and my husband and be disgusted with myself at what I had done. I still kept it from him for three more months. I promised I would be the wife he deserved me to be, and actively made changes to improve our relationship (although constant morning sickness got in the way a little). As my health began to suffer I became worried about our baby's health and realised I needed to show my husband the respect I didn't show him when I strayed. I knew that for us to be a strong and healthy family, I needed to be open and honest with him. I told him what I had done 3 days ago and understandably he is devastated.

I could talk about how I cheated because; our sex life at home wasn't great, or because of my lack of self worth, respect and self-esteem but I know that none of these can justify my hurting the most important person in my life.

He has agreed to go to counselling and we have an appointment in a few days. I know it is I that have put us in this position and I am willing to work at changing my behaviour and becoming the wife I want to be. I want to explore the reasons why I did this and overcome them so that he will eventually regain trust and love for me. I am prepared to do what it takes to rebuild our marriage.

I am distraught at the pain, hurt and anger I have caused him and can't begin to understand how much he must hate me right now. Thought of this being on his mind daily and effecting his sleep is killing me and I can't imagine what it is like for him.

I am writing a journal directed at him daily, to demonstrate my remorse and express what I will do to get us through this. He says he does still love me and wants to be with me. He hasn't read the journal yet and I understand that at the minute what it is, is just "words" and that it is my behaviour that will prove I am remorseful and have learnt from my mistakes. I am telling him constantly that I love him, how special he is and how much he means to me. I am showing him affection, which at times is rejected and I understand why. I have and will continue to be open and honest with the questions he has as I know we need to do this if we are to move forward, despite the my shame, disgust and embarrassment. I am asking him a lot if he wishes to talk about it, or has any questions.

I so desperately want to be able to help him heal and re-build our marriage but I am not sure how best to go about it. Am I doing the right things?

I look at him daily and realise how wonderful a father he will be and I want us to be able to raise our child together in a loving happy home. I have realised the selfless love he has always given and how so very important he is to me. I know I did wrong and people are right to judge me, but any advice you have on what I need to do to help him through this would be really appreciated.

 

 

Okay you did good by telling your husband that you cheated on him. At least he can make an informed decision to stay or leave you. I will give you that, however only that. You are very entitled and selfish woman and you like others on here may be asking why. I noticed that once you cheated on your husband with a mutual and ended it, that is when you decided with your husband to try for a baby. I can't help but to think that you wanting this baby had something to do with trying to keep your betrayed husband around? I mean after all if you were not pregnant then it would be much easier for your BH (Betrayed Husband) to just leave you. So you may have told your husband, however you wanted to make sure he was stuck with you first. To me a woman who brings a child into this kind of mess is a very low and selfish person. Your actions where not just selfish, they are mean and cruel to both your BH and that child. I have read some pretty despicable things on loveshack, however yours is by far one of the lowest. My God, cheat on your husband, then get pregnant so that it makes him choose between happiness or his kids.

 

However I do have to thank you. It is reading posts like yours that makes me truly grateful to be single. I don't miss these drama games at all. Thankfully I can just read them on here and realize just how lucky I am today.

[Owl]

One more thing to consider.

 

Reconciliation after infidelity is NOT a sprint...it's a marathon.

 

This isn't going to be resolved this week. Nor month. Nor year.

 

It will likely take you and your husband somewhere between 2 and 5 years to sort through the damage done and truly recover/reconcile, even with both of you doing all the right things.

 

Be prepared for that.

 

Also be prepared for your husband to be on an emotional rollercoaster for quite sometime. The good news is that the ups and downs will level out over time (months to years).

 

Somedays, he'll be sooo glad that you both chose to reconcile. Other days, he'll 'trigger' on something, and feel like he's right back in the middle of it again.

 

Patience. Consistent remorse and willingness to work to fix the damage is your best course here.

[Sub]

I have read some pretty despicable things on loveshack, however yours is by far one of the lowest. My God, cheat on your husband, then get pregnant so that it makes him choose between happiness or his kids.

I don't think that's a fair accusation at all. Be single. Be happy. Fine. Don't fault others for trying to put it back together.

[revelations]

I don't think that's a fair accusation at all. Be single. Be happy. Fine. Don't fault others for trying to put it back together.

 

It is not faulting someone for trying to put it back together. It is the way she is trying to put things back together. Bringing a kid into that mess is just wrong, it is wrong to her BH and wrong to that kid. I would not be saying this if she had told her BH before they tried for a baby.

[NJ123]

I don't think that's a fair accusation at all. Be single. Be happy. Fine. Don't fault others for trying to put it back together.

 

I could understand why he thinks that though. She should have admitted it to him BEFORE they tried to have a baby. Now she's putting him in an incredibly hard position of whether to stay or not. The kid isn't even born yet & he has to decide what to do now. Very hard position to be in.

[Sub]

It is not faulting someone for trying to put it back together. It is the way she is trying to put things back together. Bringing a kid into that mess is just wrong, it is wrong to her BH and wrong to that kid. I would not be saying this if she had told her BH before they tried for a baby.

 

I don't think it was a conscious way of trying to put things back together, though. Going by her post, it was something they had discussed for a while as a couple, even before the cheating. I can understand the argument that she should have told him earlier. But it doesn't sound as though she got pregnant strictly as a means of keeping her BH.

[NJ123]

I don't think it was a conscious way of trying to put things back together, though. Going by her post, it was something they had discussed for a while as a couple, even before the cheating. I can understand the argument that she should have told him earlier. But it doesn't sound as though she got pregnant strictly as a means of keeping her BH.

 

I'd really like to hear her reasoning for getting pregnant before she admitted it though. That's pretty harsh if you ask me.

[Be_Strong]

I have to say that, like revelations, the thought did cross my mind that getting pregnant was an intentional or subconscious action to increase her security for the subsequent confession. Even if there was no premeditation with getting pregnant, that's a pretty horrible position for the husband to have to find himself in.

[Be_Strong]

BH is also going to be haunted by thoughts about whether this unborn child is his.

[Sub]

I could understand why he thinks that though. She should have admitted it to him BEFORE they tried to have a baby. Now she's putting him in an incredibly hard position of whether to stay or not. The kid isn't even born yet & he has to decide what to do now. Very hard position to be in.

 

But it's the position they're in. I'm fully aware that her BH may think as you do at some point. I'm not giving her a pass for doing what she did. But she's done a lot to show she's presently focused on her H and their M. And I believe she came here to talk about steps going forward.

[NJ123]

But it's the position they're in. I'm fully aware that her BH may think as you do at some point. I'm not giving her a pass for doing what she did. But she's done a lot to show she's presently focused on her H and their M. And I believe she came here to talk about steps going forward.

 

Yeah, it's the position their in because she didn't admit to cheating beforehand. And who says the H isn't think about all this right now, instead of just "at some point"?

[Sub]

And who says the H isn't think about all this right now, instead of just "at some point"?

 

He probably is. But what's the advice here, on what she needs to do to help him through this?

[NJ123]

He probably is. But what's the advice here, on what she needs to do to help him through this?

 

I don't know but he'll likely need some sort of marriage counseling on his own to decide what to do.