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Antidepressants and affairs...


OverIt75

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I'm a fairly new poster here, but some may have read my story. I got involved with my married boss about a year ago. I too am married. We've been 'trying' to end it for months now, with it finally being over for about 6 weeks. I know I am wrong and have been trying to untangle myself from this mess. I regret ever taking that first step.

 

So last August, I finally gave in and started taking an antidepressant...not for depression, but for panic attacks I had going back about 3 years. I never really wanted to take the med, as I just wasn't sure what it would do to me. But after trying to cope for so long, I decided to give it a shot.

 

Within two months of starting it, I found myself in an affair. Please don't get me wrong...I am NOT blame-shifting. What I did is all on me. But I'm curious if somehow it could have impacted my feelings - specifically if it affected my conscience and guilt. I feel that I have never actually developed an appropriate level of guilt. I am regretful, but I can't muster up many other feelings I think I should have.

 

I was reading today that SSRIs (certain antidepressants) can cause apathy in some people. That's kind of how I've felt. Sort of flat and like I can't really grasp the consequences of what I've done.

 

I've decided to wean off of it. Anyone else had the same experience? Or just wonder about the science of it?

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I'm a fairly new poster here, but some may have read my story. I got involved with my married boss about a year ago. I too am married. We've been 'trying' to end it for months now, with it finally being over for about 6 weeks. I know I am wrong and have been trying to untangle myself from this mess. I regret ever taking that first step.

 

So last August, I finally gave in and started taking an antidepressant...not for depression, but for panic attacks I had going back about 3 years. I never really wanted to take the med, as I just wasn't sure what it would do to me. But after trying to cope for so long, I decided to give it a shot.

 

Within two months of starting it, I found myself in an affair. Please don't get me wrong...I am NOT blame-shifting. What I did is all on me. But I'm curious if somehow it could have impacted my feelings - specifically if it affected my conscience and guilt. I feel that I have never actually developed an appropriate level of guilt. I am regretful, but I can't muster up many other feelings I think I should have.

 

I was reading today that SSRIs (certain antidepressants) can cause apathy in some people. That's kind of how I've felt. Sort of flat and like I can't really grasp the consequences of what I've done.

 

I've decided to wean off of it. Anyone else had the same experience? Or just wonder about the science of it?

 

Edit: Admit to your husband that you cheated if you didn't already. He deserves to know. And maybe it's possible the anti-depressants could have impacted your feelings, but it's still absolutely no excuse at all.

Edited by NJ123
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Actually, a more severe side of effect of ssri's and snri's is loss of libido.

 

Sure, there are a some known side effects of ssri's like mania and other impulse control issues, but considering the massive amount of people taking them from everything from to depression to IBS, I think it's safe to say that the chances of it causing infidelity are rare.

 

 

There are drugs that have been linked to more risk taking, novelty seeking behaviors, but they target the neurotransmitter dopamine, not serotonin.

 

 

Sorry, you cheated. That was a choice that you made. Trying to externalize it isn't going to help you fix your flawed character.

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Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I said that I take full responsibility for what I did, and that I do NOT believe it 'caused' me to cheat. I was just curious if it could have impacted my ability to really feel appropriate guilt.

 

I am not a bad person. I did a very weak and selfish thing and am totally accountable. I've been married 15 years (together with my H for 19) and have NEVER done this before. But I have FELT different this last year. Of course, there's that whole 'chicken and egg' thing.

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Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I said that I take full responsibility for what I did, and that I do NOT believe it 'caused' me to cheat. I was just curious if it could have impacted my ability to really feel appropriate guilt.

 

I am not a bad person. I did a very weak and selfish thing and am totally accountable. I've been married 15 years (together with my H for 19) and have NEVER done this before. But I have FELT different this last year. Of course, there's that whole 'chicken and egg' thing.

 

Well if your not a bad person, than admit to your husband what you did if you haven't told him yet.

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Hope Shimmers
I'm a fairly new poster here, but some may have read my story. I got involved with my married boss about a year ago. I too am married. We've been 'trying' to end it for months now, with it finally being over for about 6 weeks. I know I am wrong and have been trying to untangle myself from this mess. I regret ever taking that first step.

 

So last August, I finally gave in and started taking an antidepressant...not for depression, but for panic attacks I had going back about 3 years. I never really wanted to take the med, as I just wasn't sure what it would do to me. But after trying to cope for so long, I decided to give it a shot.

 

Within two months of starting it, I found myself in an affair. Please don't get me wrong...I am NOT blame-shifting. What I did is all on me. But I'm curious if somehow it could have impacted my feelings - specifically if it affected my conscience and guilt. I feel that I have never actually developed an appropriate level of guilt. I am regretful, but I can't muster up many other feelings I think I should have.

 

I was reading today that SSRIs (certain antidepressants) can cause apathy in some people. That's kind of how I've felt. Sort of flat and like I can't really grasp the consequences of what I've done.

 

I've decided to wean off of it. Anyone else had the same experience? Or just wonder about the science of it?

 

First of all, no one can "diagnose" you on an internet forum, although it seems like some have tried given the replies so far.

 

Impossible to say for sure, but statistically it would be more likely that any apathy that you have is a result of depression and not the meds that you are taking. I have never seen a patient who had apathy because of SSRIs, although I won't ever say it's not possible. Just not very likely based on what we know about the medications. Very hard to separate out too, because apathy is a significant effect of depression.

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If you don't mind sharing - which medication are you taking?

 

I have taken a few different antidepressants, and anti anxiety meds in my life. Each had different affects. Honestly none worked for me all that well, as my depression was situational and not internal. A mild anti anxiety med I am on now does work however. You might try a different one.

Edited by dichotomy
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-anti depressives can often lessen libido. You'd think that would make someone less likely to cheat.

 

- the "apathy" thing may be worth some consideration. The that raises though is are you 'apathetic' in other areas of your life as well. Are you letting your appearance go? Do you go for days on end without brushing your teeth or changing your socks or underwear? Do you let things slide at work? Has the oil light in your car been on for the last month?

 

- it can be dangerous to adjust or 'wean' your own meds. Changing medication dosages should only be don't under the guidance and supervision of a doctor.

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If you don't mind sharing - which medication are you taking?

 

I have taken a few different antidepressants, and anti anxiety meds in my life. Each had different affects. Honestly none worked for me all that well, as my depression was situational and not internal. A mild anti anxiety med I am on now does work however. You might try a different one.

 

Hi Dichotomy - I am on sertraline (Zoloft in the US). To comment on another poster's questions, I am not apathetic in that I don't brush my teeth or forget to put gas in my car. It is more that I'm just not as concerned. I went on the med for anxiety and it has helped. But it's strange - I notice things like I'm not fretting when my kids spend the night with friends, or stressed about my next work presentation. It's like that rush of adrenaline that I should have just doesn't happen. It feels like my lack of concern has spilled over into this awful situation. I know logically I don't want it. But it's like my conscience is a third party observer. Weird.

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First of all, no one can "diagnose" you on an internet forum, although it seems like some have tried given the replies so far.

 

Impossible to say for sure, but statistically it would be more likely that any apathy that you have is a result of depression and not the meds that you are taking. I have never seen a patient who had apathy because of SSRIs, although I won't ever say it's not possible. Just not very likely based on what we know about the medications. Very hard to separate out too, because apathy is a significant effect of depression.

 

True Hope. I would certainly say this whole affair mess has caused some depression. It's hard to know.

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Outside of severe depression, antidepressants are shown to work equal with placebo.

 

In no way, shape or form would I accept a premise that antidepressants caused you to cheat, or even were a factor. I would accept the premise that you were depressed and chose a spectacularly bad coping mechanism in cheating, however, but the meds did not do it. You did.

 

http://www.newsweek.com/why-antidepressants-are-no-better-placebos-71111

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whatatangledweb
I'm a fairly new poster here, but some may have read my story. I got involved with my married boss about a year ago. I too am married. We've been 'trying' to end it for months now, with it finally being over for about 6 weeks. I know I am wrong and have been trying to untangle myself from this mess. I regret ever taking that first step.

 

So last August, I finally gave in and started taking an antidepressant...not for depression, but for panic attacks I had going back about 3 years. I never really wanted to take the med, as I just wasn't sure what it would do to me. But after trying to cope for so long, I decided to give it a shot.

 

Within two months of starting it, I found myself in an affair. Please don't get me wrong...I am NOT blame-shifting. What I did is all on me. But I'm curious if somehow it could have impacted my feelings - specifically if it affected my conscience and guilt. I feel that I have never actually developed an appropriate level of guilt. I am regretful, but I can't muster up many other feelings I think I should have.

 

I was reading today that SSRIs (certain antidepressants) can cause apathy in some people. That's kind of how I've felt. Sort of flat and like I can't really grasp the consequences of what I've done.

 

I've decided to wean off of it. Anyone else had the same experience? Or just wonder about the science of it?

 

I take antidepressants and I do feel the flatness . I can still feel guilt and understand consequences. I also wouldn't have the energy or spark to have an affair . It never crossed my mind . Do you think you started the affair to see if you could feel anything? I understand feeling like you are sort of drifting through life but not feeling it. You may want to try a different med for panic attacks.

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Medicine didn't cause you to cheat.

 

It's not causing you to avoid feeling.

 

It's you. Plain and simple.

 

You may actually FEEL MORE when you are honest with your husband about you're cheating.

 

Try it! See if you feel things then!

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NJ and 2Sunny - not intending to ignore you. You're right. Telling would be the honest thing to do. And I imagine it would probably shake me out of my stupor to an extent. But I just feel numb. It's like I know what I need to do, and I know intellectually how awful and stupid my decisions were. But again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

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NJ and 2Sunny - not intending to ignore you. You're right. Telling would be the honest thing to do. And I imagine it would probably shake me out of my stupor to an extent. But I just feel numb. It's like I know what I need to do, and I know intellectually how awful and stupid my decisions were. But again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

 

Then tell your husband all of it.

 

 

You will see that you are then capable of "feeling".

 

You haven't "felt" anything YET because you haven't had any consequences.

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I take antidepressants and I do feel the flatness . I can still feel guilt and understand consequences. I also wouldn't have the energy or spark to have an affair . It never crossed my mind . Do you think you started the affair to see if you could feel anything? I understand feeling like you are sort of drifting through life but not feeling it. You may want to try a different med for panic attacks.

 

Thank you Web. I hesitate to give credence to the 'looking for a feeling' idea, because it goes against everything I am SUPPOSED to believe. But, that thought has occurred to me. Ever since this started, I feel like I've been looking for a feeling. Drinking more. Obsessively listening to music, hunting new music down. I've taken up new hobbies. Just lots of stuff. Of course all of that could be an effort to drown out the thoughts in my head.

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Your symptoms sound more like depression than anything.

 

Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand.

 

It may just be that the medication is resolving your anxiety which was more noticeable to you because of the panic attacks and now without them you are more noticing the depression.

 

Talk therapy in addition to the meds might help you address the depression if that's what it is. Specifically with a therapist that is familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

There are also self tests online to see if you are depressed. Depression can be mild to full blown and mild depression can be like apathy.

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NJ and 2Sunny - not intending to ignore you. You're right. Telling would be the honest thing to do. And I imagine it would probably shake me out of my stupor to an extent. But I just feel numb. It's like I know what I need to do, and I know intellectually how awful and stupid my decisions were. But again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

 

It seems your trying to blame every other thing but yourself. If you have any conscience, you'll admit to it. I don't get how you'd be able to look your husband in the eye knowing what you did. If you don't tell him than your not as good of a person that you say you are. I just don't understand how people can keep a secret of this magnitude. That would eat me up inside everyday until I admitted to it. Not that I'd ever put myself in that position in the first place, but the guilt would get to me way too much to not say anything. You seem to keep blaming anti-depressants, but at the end of the day you did what you did & you need to own up to it.

Edited by NJ123
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But again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

 

That feel's called 'denial'.

 

cheating & than not admitting to it

 

Because no cheater wants the consequences of it. Interestingly, when a serial cheater tells a potential partner beforehand that they're unfaithful and said partner - those that do stay - logically wants the same right for themselves, the cheater becomes terribly jealous. It's like watching a dog chasing its tail.

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Within two months of starting it, I found myself in an affair. Please don't get me wrong...I am NOT blame-shifting. What I did is all on me. But I'm curious if somehow it could have impacted my feelings - specifically if it affected my conscience and guilt. I feel that I have never actually developed an appropriate level of guilt. I am regretful, but I can't muster up many other feelings I think I should have.

 

I think you're confusing the treatment with the illness. Your thread would have more traction were it titled "Depression and Affairs".

 

Having observed depression up close, I agree it has no bearing on the decision to start and continue the affair. However, it is a double-whammy in your case as, assuming you want to save your marriage (a big if at this point), depression could make you less equipped than most to take the necessary steps required to do so. Of those steps, full honesty would be the first...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Just want to add I've only been on here a month & this is like the 20th thread I've seen about someone cheating & than not admitting to it. It's really scary how much cheating goes on & how there's no guilt involved at all. I just don't understand it at all.

 

NJ, I've tried not to snap back at you, even though the tone from your first post has felt harsh.

 

I'm wondering what brought you to this board? It is specifically for infidelity. It's awful and sad and those on all sides of an affair come here for help, support, advice, even a 2x4 over the head when needed. I think you said you're not married?

 

Mr. Lucky, you could certainly be right. I have thought many times about full disclosure. I know this is weak and I probably deserve it, but I am scared. I am scared about destroying the lives of many that I love. YES, I should have thought of that before this ever started. I wish very much that I had.

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But you're already destroying their lives by keeping secrets, yes?

 

Do you think it's possible to feel close and connected to someone while keeping your truth from them?

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I'm a fairly new poster here, but some may have read my story. I got involved with my married boss about a year ago. I too am married. We've been 'trying' to end it for months now, with it finally being over for about 6 weeks. I know I am wrong and have been trying to untangle myself from this mess. I regret ever taking that first step.

 

So last August, I finally gave in and started taking an antidepressant...not for depression, but for panic attacks I had going back about 3 years. I never really wanted to take the med, as I just wasn't sure what it would do to me. But after trying to cope for so long, I decided to give it a shot.

 

Within two months of starting it, I found myself in an affair. Please don't get me wrong...I am NOT blame-shifting. What I did is all on me. But I'm curious if somehow it could have impacted my feelings - specifically if it affected my conscience and guilt. I feel that I have never actually developed an appropriate level of guilt. I am regretful, but I can't muster up many other feelings I think I should have.

 

I was reading today that SSRIs (certain antidepressants) can cause apathy in some people. That's kind of how I've felt. Sort of flat and like I can't really grasp the consequences of what I've done.

 

I've decided to wean off of it. Anyone else had the same experience? Or just wonder about the science of it?

 

My daughter was prescribed a SNRI, which caused her to develop seratonin syndrome. She was switched to an SSRI and had a lot of therapy to help her with her depressive disorder. It didn't work.

 

I can't speak for you, but in most cases, an anti depressant med isn't enough on it's own. If your doctor just put you on one without doing any sort of background as to why you need it and setting you up with therapy, it may not do a whole lot.

 

If your doctor doesn't know the reason you fele you need them ( and not just that you feel bad, can't cope, etc.) then he or she may have given you medication you don't need. There is something called "adjustment disorder" that happens after a traumatic event, but it responds much better to therapy than meds.

 

Like I said, talk to your doctor, or make an appintment with a psychiatrist, as since you ae taking a medication, they may need to help wean you off, depending on the type.

 

btw...with adjustment disorder, you can develop the apathy, etc. This is not the same as depression.

The medication sometimes can cause self harming behavior a few days to a few weeks after you starrt taking it, but the way that happens doesn't sound lke what you describe.

Edited by truncated
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I think I stated, in nearly all of my posts, that I am NOT blame-shifting. I posted this to get feedback to see if anyone else had experienced similar feelings, and wondered if it contributed to their ability to have an affair. I certainly do not claim 'the drug made me do it.'

 

This whole post started out of curiosity on my part. That's all.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moderated and edited to stay on topic.
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But you're already destroying their lives by keeping secrets, yes?

 

Do you think it's possible to feel close and connected to someone while keeping your truth from them?

 

As I said before, I agree the damage has been done. I just hope to protect them as much as I can, since I can't go back in time.

 

I'm afraid it will be a barrier to true intimacy. And if that's true, I will need to confess.

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