Lies and Alibi's....sorry for the long long post.

[iamthebluesgirl]

My husband works in the oil and gas industry. He is in a supervisors position, and having people call or text throughout the day is normal...about work. He is responsible for a lot of people. However, at this new job we were here only a week before something started happening. He got a text from a number, and the way the text was written I knew it was a woman. It was about work but it was definitely flirty. I told him of my concerns with it. Women have text in the past, but it was work related and I dont know why or how but instantly I knew something was up. He said I had nothing to worry about that she was big and fat and he didn't find her at all attractive. I noticed the text were so much more often than most of his co workers, she was texting for EVERYTHING.

 

My husband has lied to me in the past over small things. I told him then that if he couldn't be honest about small things how could I ever believe him about the big things...which came to pass. The text kept on, I expressed my concerns once again. He got mad and thew his phone across the yard and told me he wanted a divorce. All because I was upset over the text and was asking questions. What he didn't know is that I had installed a bug on his phone because he was on night shift, working 14 hrs a day/night. He has close friends that work with him and I am 45 minutes away and I know they'll never tell me. We travel with his job so I don't even have friends here. (I know installing a bug was wrong, but I had no other way to find out).

 

I heard her around him all night every night. Her job didn't require her to be up my husbands ass all night, in fact he was her boss. It seemed anytime she could text him or find a reason to be around him she would. He even stopped texting me so much because she was taking up his attention on lunch and other breaks. He told me that he asked her to stop texting...well she started calling instead of text. I once again expressed my distaste for the fact that he did not seem to give a **** that this was bothering me. Every time I brought it up, he yelled he wanted a divorce. So one night I checked our verizon account and saw picture text had been sent, but they were not in his phone so I knew he had deleted them. When I asked him about the picture text he denied it and told me he did not know what i was talking about. He denied it til the very end when I told him I'd just pull up the verizo account and show him. Then he admitted he deleted picture text from her and that it was nothing. I told him I was over the lies and bull****. If it was nothing then he wouldn't of tried to hide it. (He told me it was just a funny work related picture but sexually suggestive and he thought I'd get upset).

 

I packed my things, tried to leave. I couldn't make myself leave the drive way. Fast forward, we went out one night and met up with his best friend who is also a supervisor at work and his new girlfriend who is good friends with the woman texting my husband. I over heard her say to my husbads best friend that she invited the other woman up there and that she was on her way. I was kind of happy because I had asked to meet her before and of course my husband had a reason why it wasn't going to happen. So she actually shows up to the bar. She avoids me but looks at my husband, then she disappears. Once she comes back she starts drinking. I decide to act like nothing is wrong and just roll with things so I drank also. Once she had drinks in her she suddenly ditched her friends to come stay up my ass all night and act like she wanted to be my new BFF.

 

There were whispers between people and people were looking at me, and my husband and his friend were giving each other looks. I knew something was up. I even saw his friend asking her questions about her feelings for him. I heard her say it was a brother sister thing...umm you have known him a month. Thats not long enough to be a brother sister thing. So I took her outside to confront her in which she tried to tell me how she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt my husband loves me. she just kept saying I KNOW that man loves you. Then she turned herself into a victim by expressing how many times she'd been pregnant and lost it. She diverted the conversation..about that time my husband comes outside and stands by me. I tell him I'm not done talking to her and I sent him back inside. I guess I should add that he was ALLLLL over me that night, even in her face. She kept telling him how beautiful and sexy I was...it was just strange. After a while we sat down and were just talking about football and other things when my husband left to go to the bathroom. All of our mutual friends had left and it was just us there. This girl was staying for whatever reason. She told me that she would call me the next day and we would go get our nails done and this and that. I knew it wouldn't happen. The next thing out of her mouth when my husband walked away was " one thing EVERYBODY can say about me is I give the WORLDS BEST blow jobs".

 

I just looked at her. I figured there was a reason she said that and I wasn't going to give her a reaction just yet. After that we left, and if it wasn't for my husband I think she would have tried to follow us home.

 

After that night things with him got worse. I wanted to know what she meant by that. He claimed to have no idea. I asked if he had had sex or oral sex with her and he said no. He started telling me he wanted a divorce again. That seems to be his way of manipulating me. Screams divorce ends the argument and he gets out of being questioned. This has been going on back and forth for about 2 months now. I did ask a lot of questions. He is not home much, so its not like we get to talk very much. but any time I ask questions he flies off the handle and screams divorce and I'm over that ****. Other things that happened throughout the month were he asked me a week prior to our daughters first gymnastics class what time I'd be home that evening. He had been put on day shift ( thankgod cause the other woman is still on night shift), He was getting home around 6:15pm at the time. I told him I'd be home around 7:15..I took a mental note because I knew he had a reason he asked. So that Monday rolled around and I came home early to see if he was late, because I had a feeling he would be. He got home sometime just before 7pm. He went straight in and took a shower, I don't even think he ate what I cooked. When he got out of the shower I noticed pink glitter in his facial hair. I asked and he told me he used my towel, and I said yes but I dont have pink glitter. He blamed it on our 7 year old for wearing sparkly clothing and spilling things in the truck. I'm sorry I don't buy it. Then he had an excuse as to why he was late getting home. He told me he was stuck in traffic, then he told me he took a different route home..it was longer but at least he wasnt sitting in traffic. I feel like its made up bs. He finds his way out of everything. During arguments he has said he liked the attention she gave him but he wasn't attracted to her. He has also said she gave him the LOVE and ATTENTION he wanted from me, once he realized what he said he back tracked and said Not love but attention. He has even asked me why I want him to tell me just so I can leave him. He has told everyone that I'm just a nagging wife but he won't tell people why I have been asking questions.

 

I even left home for 3 days, after he told me he wanted a divorce again. He didn't call me to beg me back. He didn't seem to give a **** that I was gone. Instead when i called him he cussed me out, he would find reasons to get off the phone. And one day i called him on his way home from work and i heard tapping in his truck and it was non stop. He told me it was the radio, but I have yet to hear any tapping in his truck and we have driven all over the country in it. It sounded like fingernails on a window or the plastic. I finally came back and he acted like he missed me but yet he hadn't text me all day that day. He tells me he loves me and Im the only one he wants, I'm the love of his life etc...but theres something a miss about all of this stuff. There are a few other things that happened too that I forgot to mention.

 

when he was on nights going to walmart at night was common. we did it frequently but one day he told me earlier in the day he would be going to walmart that night, he waited til our daughter was asleep and then he went. It was about 10pm. I some how knew that the girl would be there, and I should have gotten in my car and went but I didnt. I looked on fb the next morning and she had posted " walmart bound " at 10pm. I woke my husband up and we had a massive blow out. He did not tell me he saw her. Of course he says she just said hi and went on by but I know that is bs. The other thing is he accused me of stripping after he found 4.00 folded in my purse.. which I had folded in front of him by the way. He told me he use to fold his money like that when he went when he was younger. I told him that if I was stripping I hope to hell I made more than 4.00 !!! There is a strip club straight across the street from his job. I saw him eyeing the billboard one day and took a mental note. Then he accused me of stripping.

 

He came home with the glitter on his face and I asked him what was up and that is the first thing he ever said. " i havent been to no strip clubs, dont even know where one is". I said who said anything about strip clubs??? I said you do know where one is too since its directly across from your job. He also had about 50.00 in one dollar bills in the console of his truck. He finally admitted that he did know where one was. He also has always been sexual and we have always had a lot of sex. Well I noticed he was starting to rub himself with his eyes closed frequently. He has never done that before. Then one night after we had sex, I looked over at him and he was rubbing himself again and was already hard. Which was very very strange. He says I just turned him on so much, but I know hes full of ****. That hasn't happened since the honeymoon phase ended and it sure as hell hasn't happened since that night. I know hes fantasizing about something and someone. IDK who hes trying to fool more me or himself!!! He denies everything and tries to make me think I' am stupid for asking. He is the love of my life and I don't want to believe any of this. This has crushed me to my core and its the kind of pain that changes people. He finds ways out of everything but deep down I am convinced hes lied cheated and playing me for a fool. I am really really considering leaving for good this time.

[TrustedthenBusted]

When he screams at you that he wants a divorce, why not just say ok?

 

Not trying to diminish your pain at all, and I totally hear and understand your anxiety. But if he doesn't want to stay married to you, why do you want to stay married to him?

 

Most of us are trying to stay with a remorseful spouse. You seem to be trying to stay with a guy who swears at you and tells you he wants out. No?

[Davey L]

Doesn't look good does it? Sounds as though you'd be better off out whether he is cheating or not.

 

Usual advice on here from people who know better than me is not to confront or accuse until you have got definite proof.

 

To me threats of divorce are more damaging than almost anything else. Time to turn the tables and serve him with divorce papers I think.

[BetrayedH]

Yep, time to stop confronting. You're just making it obvious that you're watching and that he should be deleting evidence, etc.. Besides, how's this confronting business working out for you so far? He does like all the cheaters do...lies, denies, minimizes, gaslights (a good term for you to look up), and then he lies some more. It's all in the handbook.

 

Your best bet is to buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and place it under the steering column in his vehicle with some velcro. If it has any lights on it, cover them with tape. Affair partners frequently talk in the car on the way to/from work.

 

Keep in mind that you don't need to prove to him that he's cheating. You just need to convince yourself. Be sure enough that you can feel confident moving forward with a divorce without second guessing yourself.

 

Do your confronting with divorce papers.

Edited October 10, 2014 by BetrayedH

[iamthebluesgirl]

well I had a bug on his phone. He broke that phone one night after a fight purposely. I have yet to put another bug on the new phone. Last night I was searching through it and found an sms relay service connected to an email app on the phone. He swears he didn't add it on there. It was the "running" section in the device manager. I looked it up to see what it was via google and it said its an app that allows you to choose contacts that when they text you it goes to an email instead of your phone. The phone he got is refurbished and I thought maybe it was already on there...but i'm probably kidding myself. I feel like if he wants the divorce so bad why won't he go file. I feel like he just says it to get his way. I should go file for divorce. I have tried and tried to work this out. I even asked for marriage counseling but he works so much he doesn't have the time. I did have a voice recorder also, and now I can't find it. I can go get another one I suppose. He did put the life360 app back on his phone so I can see where he is so I know when hes on his way home or going to work and I see where he stops. That helped some, but I feel like he already did whatever it was he was doing. i can't get over it. I guess I'm still here because I want that confession. Hes cried and everything and told me he hasn't done anything but I can't shake the feelings. He hasn't screamed he wanted a divorce lately because when I left and i came back I told him that I was going to believe him one day, and one day he would come home and I would be gone. So, lately instead of arguing or getting defensive he just goes to bed. Either way talking about things with him is very difficult.

[petee]

Retreat from this farce of a relationship with honour and dignity. You are being mugged off by a cheat and liar.

Should you choose to stay with him then get used to brinkmanship, a former of bullying and humiliation. The choice is yours, there's no doubt in my mind they are sexual.

[iamthebluesgirl]

Also prior to any of my suspicions, when we first got married he would ask me what I'd been deleting, always suspicious of me doing things. I tried everything to show him that I'd been faithful and honest. We can't even go out to a bar and someone hit on me or he will fly off the handle and we have to leave. He mentions that I always get hit on and he doesn't. Almost like hes jealous. I don't ask for the attention and I never have. One day I got tired of all the accusations and suspicion so I reactivated his old fb to see that just before we got married he was fb stalking an ex..every day multiple times a day for months even before we met. He went to work in her town while we were dating, and bank statements showed that he'd went by her job twice. Shes a manager at a gas station. I know he went by to see if he could see her. I called her, and the type of girl she is I know she would have loved to rub it in my face . She even told me she loved him and still does but that she has not seen him and doesn't know what she would do if she ever seen him again. I found this after we'd been married a year. It devastated me and since then things have not been the same. From that point I wondered if he really loved me or not. I felt like second choice. He went through a period of erectile dysfunction for about a month after I'd found out about her. Then he showed up from work one morning and had a viagra pill that someone had given him on the job. During that time he even made comments about my body, and how he got off alot easier with other girls. I let him know that hes the only one whose ever had that kind of problem with me, but it still cut deep. I was 30 and he was 35 at the time. One night I drove to his job to see what was up and he already knew I was on my way from life360. But when he met me in the parking lot he turned off his radio,and just kept looking around to see if anybody was watching or saw me there. I thought that was strange but moved past it. Now looking back i see that was crazy as hell. Things got better for about 6 months until we got to this job. All of this started about a week after he got here, around the same people who were on the job in the other place. Its so hard when you want to believe someone because you love them so much, and the pain is almost unbearable. I never thought I'd be going through this with him.

[iamthebluesgirl]

also thank you all for the replies and advice. It is nice to know that I am not crazy!

[beach]

You seem to do a lot of work chasing his actions. And then chasing his form of the truth.

 

But he always seems to move away from owning his part in it.

 

Do you like it? Life will ALWAYS be this way if you choose to stay married to him.

 

Is this the life you wished for?

[petee]

You will be just fine, but before that there are hard decisions to be made. If it, was easy, there would be a perfect world out there. It is not a nice world at times, you deserve better, much much better.

Be strong and fightbyour corner.

[iamthebluesgirl]

I don't know why we do what we do when you love someone so much that you can't fathom they would ever hurt you in this way. I've been trying to wrap my mind around it, thought maybe I was crazy and he wasn't lying to me. I thought if I have the proof then there is no more speculation. I could let go then. I could move on with my life and begin again.

[iamthebluesgirl]

I'd like to add that he is my only family really. I have my parents but they travel with work also. I have no siblings, I don't have many friends. I have a 7 year old daughter. I have a degree but he asked me not to work when we got married so I could travel with him. We could afford for me to not work easily. Now I can't get a job in my career field. I just never seen the writing on the wall, I never dreamed I'd be here writing this sappy ****.

[beach]

I don't know why we do what we do when you love someone so much that you can't fathom they would ever hurt you in this way. I've been trying to wrap my mind around it, thought maybe I was crazy and he wasn't lying to me. I thought if I have the proof then there is no more speculation. I could let go then. I could move on with my life and begin again.

 

But the thing is - he shows all the signs that he is cheating. It's just that he's a liar and tells you things that make you want to believe he isn't cheating.

 

I can't believe you didn't have a frank conversation with that OW when you were with her.

 

If you need hard evidence then schedule a polygraph for him.

 

But you already know.

 

 

When it's required to CHASE a persons truth - it's because they keep moving what is real.

 

When I'm required to waste my precious time and energy trying to figure out what is real - that's when I know in my gut that the relationship is long over.

 

He behaves badly toward you - why is that good enough to stay? I'd like to know.

[petee]

It is not sappy in the slightest. Break it down to really basic blocks.

Did you make him start acting like this? Did you make the relationship difficult or hard to work? Have you ever been unfaithful to him?

I don't know you from Adam, but you come across as sincere and lovely. You're a victim here, and it is cut and dry.

What you need to do is draw a red line, and if he crosses it then it's endex.....time to move on.

It won't be easy, that's for sure......but in the grand scheme.of things you will be just fine. I know you will.

[iamthebluesgirl]

Beach, I have no idea why I didn't go bat **** crazy on the OW when I confronted her about the text. Trust me I think about it all of the time. One reason is because I wanted to believe my husband, and he works in supervision and I didn't want to cause a conflict with his job. I also didn't want to give her any ammunition over me, I felt like she was fishing for info, I felt like she was trying to see if she could figure me out. He even asked me if I wanted him to quit his job and I said yes. Then he said he wanted a divorce. Well why ask me if I want you to quit??? She was very intimidated by me, she was nervous and frankly I got a kick out that alone. She should be nervous because I can only be nice for so long before I just lose my mind. But it was obvious she was not going to admitt to anything. She just kept saying how she KNEW he loved me. How in the hell would she know he loves me just because he wears his ring at work? Then just as soon as he left us alone at the end of the night she tells me that EVERYBODY says she gives the worlds best blow jobs...out of the blue. 2 seconds prior we were talking about sports. I felt weak and struggled to find the strength to even deal with this,I'm getting stronger the madder I get.

[iamthebluesgirl]

Petee, I have never been unfaithful to him. I've done everything he ever asked me to do. If worshiping the ground he walked on was making his life hard I didn't know about it. For whatever reason though, for the longest time he use to just always be suspicious of me. Thats when I took a deeper look at things. I didn't start making his life difficult until after I found him stalking his ex gf on fb. But the only thing I have done to make his life difficult is just ask him questions..and I'll admitt that I was relentless with it every single day when he got home. I use to think that maybe I shouldn't have,but it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I would still be where I am right now if I hadn't of said anything because the whole reason I started asking in the first place was because I saw something that wasn't adding up.

[iamthebluesgirl]

One thing my husband has said is he feels like I want him to leave or I want a reason for a divorce and thats why he says he wants a divorce when he is angry. He also asks if I'd like him to confess to things he didn't do just so I can leave, if that will make me feel better.

[petee]

He throws the divorce word at you when he's under duress. Classic guilt tactic.

Please don't sell yourself short and settle for this appalling behaviour.

[beach]

One thing my husband has said is he feels like I want him to leave or I want a reason for a divorce and thats why he says he wants a divorce when he is angry. He also asks if I'd like him to confess to things he didn't do just so I can leave, if that will make me feel better.

 

I'd say a good reason to divorce is that he hasn't earned your trust.

 

Without trust - there's no solid foundation to the relationship.

[petee]

beach has nailed it perfectly above. No trust is a no go. Snap out of it and when he shouts divorce take him up on it. Move well away when/ if you can and get on with your life.

Visit England, so see the mouse, but get away from this horrendous situation, you deserve better.

[Arieswoman]

iamthebluesgirls,

I am sorry you are in this situation and I am sure other posters on this site are as well.

 

Lies, minimizing, flying off the handle if you ask questions, turning it all around on you, yeah some of us have been there and it sucks. IMO he's definitely cheating in some way.

 

I would make a plan to leave, then just do it (after you have served him with divorce papers). He's already shown you he doesn't care if you are there or not, so why punish yourself by staying?

 

Don't do what I did and stay for months trying to fix things with a spouse who doesn't give a $h!£. Get out and make a new life with yourself. You know you deserve better than this.

 

Good luckx

[EverySunset]

Oh sweetie. You've gotten caught up in that dysfunctional but totally normal phase of fact finding. Gathering evidence. I used to get so caught up in little missions like yours I wouldn't sleep. With access to a new method (an unlocked phone, computer, bag recently traveled with etc) I could stay up all night while my POS H was sleeping like a baby. Despite his wicked cheating ways.

 

What if I told you...

 

1. Sometimes your husband leaves his phone at work and hits happy hour with his friends at the strip club across the street from his job? Then he goes back to his desk/locker/office and picks up his phone before returning home? He comes home with stripper glitter on his face.

 

2. His besotted coworker is giving him quick and easy blowjobs when they can slip away? She's been disturbingly clingy with you and tells you about the blowjobs, likely fulfilling a sick need in her to run you off, or confess.

 

3. Your H is "missing his playmate" (you should read that thread) so he actively fantasizes about her after being with you. You've seen this.

 

You know he's been unfaithful in your heart. You know this. All this fact finding has been to seek the truth. You may never find him with his hand literally in the cookie jar, but these are allllll close seconds, and more than I ever found and my POS STBXH was up to much, much more.

 

He may even confess a truth to you in the guise of just saying it to "make you leave" but I believe that may be the most you ever get.

 

You know the truth. Aren't you ready to move forward and stop obsessing over what your unfaithful husband is up to? Once I did, my entire life opened up.

 

Good luck finding your happy, your healthy.

[Miss Clavel]

most cheaters accuse their partner of cheating, all the time. and most cheaters discover that the "tracker" on their phone, only tracks their phone, so, as the other poster said, they just leave the phone where they are supposed to be and then go back for it later.

 

i don't know you, but i've been in this situation and i have to say, you show an appalling lack of pride. you finally get up the nerve to follow thru and actually leave him and he does not call/text or come by and get you, so you go back?

 

my best advice is for you to consider this: what are you teaching your daughter? what is she learning about you, him, relationships and how men treat woman?

 

if you can't grow a pair and leave him for his disgusting disregard for your feelings/person, then leave him just to show your daughter that this is not the kind of behavior/treatment she should put up with.