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Infidelity at my wedding.


TrustedthenBusted

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TrustedthenBusted

Sorry folks...it's not THAT juicy! But I wanted to share some personal history that came to light years after D-Day.

 

As most of you know, once burned, you sort of become an expert on the subject, and likely probe into the lives and marriages of others. I know I did. And I found out that damn near every marriage encounters infidelity at some point. This was never clearer to me than when I looked at my own wedding album - something I refused to do for years. By the time I looked, I had pretty well researched all of my inlaws, and here's what I found. And before you create a mental image of a bunch of mulletted yahoos, you should know that these are all highly educated, professionals, and some are extraordinarily successful. Not that that helped any.

 

My wedding.

 

My mother and father were there. They divorced when I was 2. He was married to someone else ( with a family) , got caught having an affair with my mom, who he got pregnant with my older bro, and he then married my mom. They had me, and then SHE got caught cheating, and he left us. My older bro, and his youngest kid from his original marriage were born 20 days apart. Lol. My mother never remarried after that.

 

My wife's mother was there. She was divorced twice. Turns out she cheated on both husbands and got dumped like a yard of gravel each time. She's now on her 3rd husband, who is on his 4th wife! I don't know that's guys story yet, but odds are.... Ironically, these two are both highly respected Therapists.

 

My wife's father was there. He's one of the guys who got cheated on above. He was there with his 2nd wife, who got caught having an affair. He dumped her, and remarried her a couple years later. Her family has big oil money. Go figure.

 

My wife's Stepfather was there with his new wife. His 3rd. He is the 2nd guy who got cheated on above.

 

There is one picture with all of us standing in front of this pond together at this beautiful mountain winery where all these ****ing liars and cheaters just watched us take vows to eachother.

 

Then...90 days later, my wife starts an affair.

 

In the next life, I'm going to take the 50K we spent on our wedding and buy a new wakeboard boat instead.

Edited by TrustedthenBusted
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Being better off career-wise than most doesn't mean behaving/following moral codes better than most. And just because plenty of people you know don't hold faithfulness in high regard, doesn't mean all do.

 

... But yeah, the number is pretty big. Have to pick very, very carefully (although it's becoming somewhat of a scam lottery, so not picking at all is becoming quite popular too).

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flowergirl14

So if cheating is soo rampant. Should people accept it and say sh*t happens. Or get the heck out and "hope" it doesnt happen again in future relationships? I wish I could see into the future!

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TrustedthenBusted
So if cheating is soo rampant. Should people accept it and say sh*t happens. Or get the heck out and "hope" it doesnt happen again in future relationships? I wish I could see into the future!

 

I think we need to accept it, but not with the "Sh*t happens attitude. Accepting it and TOLERATING it are two different things. But I do think it's important to also understand that it is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it is for a number of years.

 

It's the oldest story there is, really. And on the whole, one that should perhaps shape our opinions, but not totally define them. I look at the group today ( the wedding party ) and it didn't ruin their entire lives. And one couple survived it and seems to be doing ok.

 

I guess the whole experience just helped me to understand that not only am I not alone, but that I'm actually in pretty good company. None of those people know what happened with my wife and I, nor do they know how much I know about their histories.

 

But if I ever needed to talk, at least I know I don't have to go far to find someone who loves me, and has been through it. On both sides, if necessary.

 

So there is some good stuff to take away from this....but still.....DAYUM! Right?

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Hmmm. This just made me think about my own wedding. (Although not with our parents. Mine have been together for 50 years, my in-laws for 42.) Three of my four groomsmen have been affected by A's. My brother and uncle both had them. My best friend's wife had one. Add me, and that's 4 out of 5. Three of those relationships have seemingly survived, fortunately. I have to say, though: beyond that, I don't have a lot of friends - only one that I can think of - that I know have been affected by it. I stress "know", as none of our friends are aware of our situation, so it's all an assumption. But my best friend is the only one who's getting a D.

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Sorry folks...it's not THAT juicy! But I wanted to share some personal history that came to light years after D-Day.

 

As most of you know, once burned, you sort of become an expert on the subject, and likely probe into the lives and marriages of others. I know I did. And I found out that damn near every marriage encounters infidelity at some point. This was never clearer to me than when I looked at my own wedding album - something I refused to do for years. By the time I looked, I had pretty well researched all of my inlaws, and here's what I found. And before you create a mental image of a bunch of mulletted yahoos, you should know that these are all highly educated, professionals, and some are extraordinarily successful. Not that that helped any.

 

My wedding.

 

My mother and father were there. They divorced when I was 2. He was married to someone else ( with a family) , got caught having an affair with my mom, who he got pregnant with my older bro, and he then married my mom. They had me, and then SHE got caught cheating, and he left us. My older bro, and his youngest kid from his original marriage were born 20 days apart. Lol. My mother never remarried after that.

 

My wife's mother was there. She was divorced twice. Turns out she cheated on both husbands and got dumped like a yard of gravel each time. She's now on her 3rd husband, who is on his 4th wife! I don't know that's guys story yet, but odds are.... Ironically, these two are both highly respected Therapists.

 

My wife's father was there. He's one of the guys who got cheated on above. He was there with his 2nd wife, who got caught having an affair. He dumped her, and remarried her a couple years later. Her family has big oil money. Go figure.

 

My wife's Stepfather was there with his new wife. His 3rd. He is the 2nd guy who got cheated on above.

 

There is one picture with all of us standing in front of this pond together at this beautiful mountain winery where all these ****ing liars and cheaters just watched us take vows to eachother.

 

Then...90 days later, my wife starts an affair.

 

In the next life, I'm going to take the 50K we spent on our wedding and buy a new wakeboard boat instead.

 

Tell you what. you want to make some money? Sell this to some company that produces soap opera's and ask for a percentage of the profits.

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compulsivedancer

Lead by example. It's not uncommon for people who cheat to be surrounded by family who cheats. What you do speaks far louder than what you say. People absorb that stuff, whether they mean to or not, and they model their own behavior after their parents'.

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Accepting it and TOLERATING it are two different things.

 

Exactly. I'm also pretty sure if they'd turn sex away from the list of taboo-topics and the court would change laws to "If your cheating/affair caused the breakup, you're going to loose it all, even if you have a vagina" it would become more rare.

 

For example, for a few years when Facebook was hyped it was considered cool to upload pictures of you being all drunk or doing other crazy stuff. Ever since the companies started checking people's Facebook to see how they behave/present themselves in their private life, that attitude dropped pretty quick after it was addressed a couple of times on TV - duckface selfies only please or if they are meetup pictures with friends, they better not show alcohol on the table.

 

Cheating "luckily" holds no real consequences - at worst death because of an untreated STD, but that's pretty rare - so it won't stop anytime soon. Personally, I rather have those people cheating around than having my private life checked as often as possible. On the other hand, we're already being controlled in our private lifes; I'd very much like the NSA to send me the files of my BF/H should I ever get those gut feelings.

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TrustedthenBusted
Exactly. I'm also pretty sure if they'd turn sex away from the list of taboo-topics and the court would change laws to "If your cheating/affair caused the breakup, you're going to loose it all, even if you have a vagina" it would become more rare.

 

For example, for a few years when Facebook was hyped it was considered cool to upload pictures of you being all drunk or doing other crazy stuff. Ever since the companies started checking people's Facebook to see how they behave/present themselves in their private life, that attitude dropped pretty quick after it was addressed a couple of times on TV - duckface selfies only please or if they are meetup pictures with friends, they better not show alcohol on the table.

 

Cheating "luckily" holds no real consequences - at worst death because of an untreated STD, but that's pretty rare - so it won't stop anytime soon. Personally, I rather have those people cheating around than having my private life checked as often as possible. On the other hand, we're already being controlled in our private lifes; I'd very much like the NSA to send me the files of my BF/H should I ever get those gut feelings.

 

There are countries where cheating wives are legally buried up to their heads, and stoned to death. You'd think that is a pretty gnarly deterrent. But it still happens. The universal truth seems to be that everything BELIEVES they can get away with it...so they try.

 

There was a point where I thought divorce laws should take cheating into effect too. But I changed my position on that. It's not the govt's responsibility to keep my wife's knees together. It's hers. And if this is how she chooses to someday end our marriage, well, the reasons why really don't matter

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TrustedthenBusted
Wow! Did you know all this about her side of the family before you married her? Might have given you insight into what was to come.

 

The sort of thing that would put me off marriage forever!

 

No, I didn't. But even if I did, my blinders were on so tight back then, I NEVER would have been worried about it.

 

Even my wife didn't know what lead to her parents divorce. I found out years later and actually informed my wife about the story. It put a whole new spin in the support she received from her mom after D-Day. ( another long story that ended with me telling my mother-in-law that I'm done with her. )

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If one looks back historically, cheating has always been with us. Indeed, in the days of arranged marriages, it was probably as common as it is now. Husbands certainly were expected to "have a little on the side", but it was not to be discussed in front of their wives, who often knew anyway.

 

And wives often had lovers as well. The results for the lover if he was caught were apt to be drastic. Why the seemingly sexist disparity? Because money, titles, lands, and so on were involved. A man needed to know that his children were his.

 

It isn't a matter of condoning this. We know that cheating is common today. And we know that it is sometimes overlooked by the betrayed spouse -- more often the woman ignores it than the man.

 

Perhaps what is needed is a more open public discussion of the issues. Already I know of a number of couples who keep separate bank accounts and keep their possessions separate to the point where one spouse may ask the other if they can borrow an old Stones CD so that they can listen to it. If they are not married and have no children, divorce is rather simple.

 

Of course in real life most situations are more complex than this, but my feeling is that we as a species are already adjusting (evolving) to living with affairs being common.

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gettingstronger

Yes, so much infidelity on my husbands side of the family as well. For whatever reason, since he always hated how he grew up I thought that would mean he would never, ever cheat- I know now from therapy that he never really understood how to cope with the ups and downs of life- I worry about my children as well- a few of the first things I said were

 

- not another generation of the bullsh^t

- congrads, you fu^cked your Mother

 

 

Not sure how I will handle it if my kids get involved with someone that has a similar background-nothing would have talked me out of marrying my husband, but my heart will ache if they marry someone with lots and lots of infidelity in their family-

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In the next life, I'm going to take the 50K we spent on our wedding and buy a new wakeboard boat instead.

 

Maybe it's true about both bad marriages and boats - the two happiest days in either are the day you get in and the day you get out...

 

Mr. Lucky

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There would be no such thing as cheating if we had long term relationships, but were able to share our partners with others without feeling jealous. Maybee someday we will take that step in evolution. Its obvious that we are all "doing it wrong" at this particular moment in history.

 

I mean really. Being attracted to just one person your whole life? I don't think anyone falls into this category...especially married people.

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gettingstronger

Smart Dude- you are able to do that now if you wish, you just need to be open and honest about it- and find the right person- plenty of people are in relationships as you describe-

I do not think its jealousy that prevents us from "evolving" but rather the desire for many of us to commit to one person-

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Wow! Did you know all this about her side of the family before you married her? Might have given you insight into what was to come.
No, I didn't. But even if I did, my blinders were on so tight back then, I NEVER would have been worried about it.

Interesting. I still think I'm glad that I had the nuclear and extended family I had in which infidelity was unknown and unthinkable. It just didn't happen and spouses LOVED each other with passion and romance until the day they died. My parents actually lectured us on the joys of mature love as a reason not to have premarital sex. That lesson didn't take, but the example of ALL my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, following the monogamy model of exclusivity, certainly did. My siblings are no different.

 

I assumed that, once they married, everyone, including my H, considered flirting an anathema, shut off the pherons for public consumption and knew how to be off limits. Wrong assumption.

 

The blow of discovery completely threw me into PTSD with the shock. I was utterly unprepared.

 

Interesting, too, that my kids clearly got the monogamy/exclusivity value full force. They work at being good partners and parents. Period. Proving their sexuality through repeat conquests was NOT a genetic event that got passed on. A couple of them were devastated when a bf or gf cheated on them.

 

So I wonder if it makes any difference how much contact one has had with it in life in terms of BS devastation.

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