onemanband Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) Why is it when a WS gets caught all of theses feeling of love come back Edited October 3, 2014 by onemanband Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 They don't, if there weren't any in the first place. If there were, they were just covered up for a while, due to the excitement of the affair. And the DDay is the eye-opener. It's like a shock and WS focusses on damage control. If there are no love feelings with the spouse when the A is ongoing, and they get caught and decide to make it work anyways, then it is just out of fear of losing everything, not because of "love coming back" all of a sudden. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Love for whom? The BS, the AP? You posted on the OW forum so its confusing- You should read up on the affair fog as it may give you answers to the questions you are seeking- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Why is it when a WS gets caught all of theses feeling of love come back If you are talking about YOU feeling love for the person who betrayed you..it could be because the utter pain you feel over this is also a reminder as to how much you truly love this person. If you are talking about why a cheater might feel intense emotions of love for the person they betrayed once they get caught..well, I would say if they cheated they do not love them. However, they still might feel intense emotions because getting caught makes the possibility of losing your partner a reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 If you are talking about YOU feeling love for the person who betrayed you..it could be because the utter pain you feel over this is also a reminder as to how much you truly love this person. If you are talking about why a cheater might feel intense emotions of love for the person they betrayed once they get caught..well, I would say if they cheated they do not love them. However, they still might feel intense emotions because getting caught makes the possibility of losing your partner a reality. Pretty much my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I assume you mean the WS begging to come back and pledging undying love if BS will give them another chance. In that case the "love" is probably fear. The are afraid they will lose their meal-ticket or their live-in maid/housekeeper. They want to keep cake-eating so they go into panicked damage control to try and secure the home front. The sooner they can do that the sooner they can get back to what they really want - a new lover in their life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 For me it wasn't about not loving my husband, it was about taking him for granted. Another thing is when the BS doesn't know about the affair its fantasy, once they know its real life with real life consequence. I can only speak for myself, but I never stopped loving my husband. My focus was redirected. I would say that a WS will refocus on the marriage and ramp up the effort in fear of losing the marriage. It isn't always love that drives this, in my case it was. There was an element of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of my children losing one of us as a full time parent, fear of social stigma, fear of dissappointing my parents. After the divorce there was no longer a reason to fear those things. It was love that wouldn't let me give up on us, on him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Per my husband, in therapy, while in the affair he felt powerful but when it was discovered and he saw himself for who he really was he was humiliated. The idea that I would even try to reconcile with such a broken person made him realize and rediscover who I am. He feels lucky to love me. Trust me, I'm no meal ticket or maid, he has enough money on his own. What he values is my integrity and willingness to try. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Per my husband, in therapy, while in the affair he felt powerful but when it was discovered and he saw himself for who he really was he was humiliated. The idea that I would even try to reconcile with such a broken person made him realize and rediscover who I am. He feels lucky to love me. Trust me, I'm no meal ticket or maid, he has enough money on his own. What he values is my integrity and willingness to try. That was well said!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Per my husband, in therapy, while in the affair he felt powerful but when it was discovered and he saw himself for who he really was he was humiliated. The idea that I would even try to reconcile with such a broken person made him realize and rediscover who I am. He feels lucky to love me. Trust me, I'm no meal ticket or maid, he has enough money on his own. What he values is my integrity and willingness to try. He should feel lucky. You deserve better. Sorry, but you do. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) For me it wasn't about not loving my husband, it was about taking him for granted. Another thing is when the BS doesn't know about the affair its fantasy, once they know its real life with real life consequence. I can only speak for myself, but I never stopped loving my husband. My focus was redirected. I would say that a WS will refocus on the marriage and ramp up the effort in fear of losing the marriage. It isn't always love that drives this, in my case it was. There was an element of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of my children losing one of us as a full time parent, fear of social stigma, fear of dissappointing my parents. After the divorce there was no longer a reason to fear those things. It was love that wouldn't let me give up on us, on him. I have heard this before .....and as a BH struggle with that kind of definition of love. I know you have learned alot, and have grown as has your love for a husband, and are speaking past tense, a snap shot in the past. This idea - could - and has been - the topic of entire threads. Its a tough one for me personally and caused a lot of pain. Edited October 4, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I assume you mean the WS begging to come back and pledging undying love if BS will give them another chance. In that case the "love" is probably fear. The are afraid they will lose their meal-ticket or their live-in maid/housekeeper. They want to keep cake-eating so they go into panicked damage control to try and secure the home front. The sooner they can do that the sooner they can get back to what they really want - a new lover in their life. Maybe for some Drifter but not all. Please read Lovin's post which I can also relate too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 He should feel lucky. You deserve better. Sorry, but you do. No need for sorry, I realize that. He is working hard to be the man the deserves me. I am working hard to accept that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry guys. This is where I had the problem and struggled reconciling my feelings during my R with my WH. My WH had reality hit him hard too. After the A was revealed. He was crying and begging me. Telling me how he wanted and loved his family and never wanted to hurt me. How he loved me so much, blah, blah, blah. But I've said many a times here on LS. LOVE should have brought your A$$ home. So now that we know your LOVE for me wasn't a factor in your bad choice, how do you expect this so called revelation of LOVE that didn't matter then...to matter now? Could it be once the WS are found out they then realize that losses are far worse than what they are left with. I know in our case it would have been. I was his true partner and everything we have built, we did together. My thought was how could he do this to me. I felt like I was living with a stranger. Who the flock was this guy? Could this life be a lie? Did he ever even love me? Because the actions proved otherwise. It was it so easy to indulge and not think about the consequences. Why? Did he think I wouldn't leave him. Because that wasn't the case. I was hurt, angry, and disappointed. I loved and honored my H. I respected our vows. But with that said...WS should appreciate. Take the time to work on their M's. Realize a bad choice and think before they leap. Because of that revelation you speak of...I stopped telling my H that I loved him for over a year and half. I guess I wanted him to feel during our time of R that LOVE is important. At this point in our M, this is for the better or worse part. Our goal was to work towards the better. Him working towards mending my heart and me finally telling him that I loved him too was what made it mean something. Now almost 2 years later, will this LOVE bring his A$$ home. Now it will! Edited October 4, 2014 by jnel921 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I assume you mean the WS begging to come back and pledging undying love if BS will give them another chance. In that case the "love" is probably fear. The are afraid they will lose their meal-ticket or their live-in maid/housekeeper. They want to keep cake-eating so they go into panicked damage control to try and secure the home front. The sooner they can do that the sooner they can get back to what they really want - a new lover in their life. I have to partially disagree. I agree that the WS realizes that their creature comforts may never be the same again if the BS chooses not to move forward and R. But for those of us who did stay and R, the part of getting back to their new lover was never going to happen again. I am too self respecting and smart for that. If he still wanted her and I even could smell it...trust me his A$$ would be out the door ASAP. No regrets. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Why is it when a WS gets caught all of theses feeling of love come back Not always. Sometimes an affair is a method that people who don't like initiating confrontation use to get their spouse to pull the divorce trigger, for example. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I have heard this before .....and as a BH struggle with that kind of definition of love. I know you have learned alot, and have grown as has your love for a husband, and are speaking past tense, a snap shot in the past. This idea - could - and has been - the topic of entire threads. Its a tough one for me personally and caused a lot of pain. And DKT struggled with it as well. Its really hard to explain. I was angry and resentful my pleads fell on deaf ears to the point that I felt I had enough, not because I didn't love him but because I didn't feel he was holding up his end of the marriage. I felt like a single mother, and I was sick of begging him for time. In comes OM willing to give me the time and attention I wanted from my husband. It felt good to have someone willing to put any and everything on hold for me. I was still very much in love with my husband, but at that point I felt maybe I didn't want to continue this way. I had a therapist tell me it was a combination of an exist and GIG affair, that I was testing the waters sort of speaking. The thing was I felt like I was in full control of both the affair and my marriage and they would go in which ever direction I decided. Once DKT knew and started to become cold and distant it became clear that I wanted him and my marriage more then anything. I didn't suddenly fall back in love with him, I never fell out of love with him. I was at that time thinking that it was just not enough. I get what your saying, I'm looking at that time through my todays eyes. That is true, but that is growth right? It means I've learned from that period, I understand how I got to that point and how to combat that in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) And DKT struggled with it as well. Its really hard to explain. I was angry and resentful my pleads fell on deaf ears to the point that I felt I had enough, not because I didn't love him but because I didn't feel he was holding up his end of the marriage. I felt like a single mother, and I was sick of begging him for time. In comes OM willing to give me the time and attention I wanted from my husband. It felt good to have someone willing to put any and everything on hold for me. I was still very much in love with my husband, but at that point I felt maybe I didn't want to continue this way. I had a therapist tell me it was a combination of an exist and GIG affair, that I was testing the waters sort of speaking. The thing was I felt like I was in full control of both the affair and my marriage and they would go in which ever direction I decided. Once DKT knew and started to become cold and distant it became clear that I wanted him and my marriage more then anything. I didn't suddenly fall back in love with him, I never fell out of love with him. I was at that time thinking that it was just not enough. I get what your saying, I'm looking at that time through my todays eyes. That is true, but that is growth right? It means I've learned from that period, I understand how I got to that point and how to combat that in the future. It does and I can tell from your posts that you are completely different woman now, and your love has grown/matured alot. Thats why I think you getting remarried is good for you and your husband now, and I support it. I know it hurt you, but I am glad he took the steps needed in between your marriages. Your both in a good place and footing to restart. Best wishes. Back to the old thinking - My wife and I, along with two therapists had long discussions on what it means to love someone. Thankfully the two female therapist backed me up on what she did to me as "not loving" ...that shook her up alot...and helped her understand that from my standpoint she did not love me. She tended before me and at the beginning with me to have a very immature and selfish view of love - "a feeling" only. For a spouse love is so much more, its about honor, sacrifice and protection of the marriage...its not always and sometimes is not at all - "a feeling". But thats my view on love - I think my wife has come a long way in this - but has much more to go. Edited October 4, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
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