regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Me and my wife always had a very liberal lifestyle. We had other people in our bed, and some other things. Six months ago, I pushed her into "cuckolding me" and taking a boyfriend. At the same time we started to have trouble at home, and we decided to stop her thing with that guy. We continued to have trouble, so she start to see him again. When I brought the divorce papers home, she told me she was not seeing him anymore, and we should try again. Should I try or just go ahead with divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Jesus. Quite the scenario you've briefly painted. On the one hand, yes, if she went beyond the parameters you two agreed on with respect to the OM, it's cheating. On the other, sounds like you opened this can of rancid worms yourself, so it's tough for me and probably most of the posters you may hear from to be all outraged about it. Any kids involved in this clusterf*ck of a marriage? What do you want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 This isn't my area of expertise but from what I've seen, the only "liberal" relationships that make it are those with an exceedingly solid foundation of trust and well discussed/respected boundaries such that the primary relationship is the paramount priority. Those requirements seem to be missing in your relationship. I also suppose it gets down to how much of an actual cuckold you are. It seems that reality has infringed upon the fantasy. If that's the case, do you really think you can put the genie back in the bottle? I'm also curious if you really want to end this liberal approach or if you're going to continue to flirt with more drama and divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 Why the outrage? Yes we have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 She said she is done with those things, that she never really wanted, she was into it for me only. I am ok with that. I guess BetrayedH is right. We were already very shaky at the time. I was not a moment for that. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Why the outrage? Yes we have kids. No outrage, and that's my point. Normally we'd be condemning the cheating spouse more than the original poster. But it's hard to get emotionally worked up about a situation you at least largely brought on yourself. You played with fire, man. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I see you have two threads on this. It would probably save some confusion if you stuck with one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Me and my wife always had a very liberal lifestyle. We had other people in our bed, and some other things. Six months ago, I pushed her into "cuckolding me" and taking a boyfriend. At the same time we started to have trouble at home, and we decided to stop her thing with that guy. We continued to have trouble, so she start to see him again. When I brought the divorce papers home, she told me she was not seeing him anymore, and we should try again. Should I try or just go ahead with divorce? It depends, do you feel your marriage is worth saving? Do you love your wife enough to give up the liberal lifestyle and have more of a normal (one on one) marriage? See, maybe not as liberal as you once thought and obviously it's caused issues in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) I didnt know where it would fit better. Please dont post here! Post here istead: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/496159-divorce-not Edited October 3, 2014 by regret143 Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 It depends, do you feel your marriage is worth saving? Do you love your wife enough to give up the liberal lifestyle and have more of a normal (one on one) marriage? See, maybe not as liberal as you once thought and obviously it's caused issues in your marriage. I don't know if i is worth saving, not for the cheating but for other things. I can give up the liberal thing... At first it was just a fun thing and she was fine that. Then I think her sexual interest in me declined, and it became the only way for me to have fun having sex. For a good time, she would only have sex with me when drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I don't think you should divorce...yet. I think counselling would benefit you both - but that doesn't mean the marriage can be, or should be saved, necessarily. But you both sound a bit messed-up, and you need to discuss this issue, before doing something hasty, or stupid. I mean, more hasty and stupid than the stuff you've already done.... Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Not sure how your W has a BF and you expect her to not have feelings for him. She is already turning to him when things are bad with you. This M is already damaged. Giving her divorce papers means what to you? Monogamy? Too late for that now. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 I don't think you should divorce...yet. I think counselling would benefit you both - but that doesn't mean the marriage can be, or should be saved, necessarily. But you both sound a bit messed-up, and you need to discuss this issue, before doing something hasty, or stupid. I mean, more hasty and stupid than the stuff you've already done.... I just hang up the phone with the counselor's office. We go next week. At the same time I appreciate the support, I kindly decline your judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Oh, it's not a judgement. It's an opinion. I've done some pretty stupid things in my time, too. But 'pushing' a wife into having sex with someone else, then filing for divorce, just sounds a bit cack-handed to me. Which is why I felt counselling would be a better option than divorcing.... So it sounds as if your opinion, matched mine, somewhere along the way. I hope all goes well, however it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I don't know if i is worth saving, not for the cheating but for other things. I can give up the liberal thing... At first it was just a fun thing and she was fine that. Then I think her sexual interest in me declined, and it became the only way for me to have fun having sex. For a good time, she would only have sex with me when drunk. Other things like what? Do you have children to consider? Bolded, that's why it's rare when bringing in someone else into the marriage isn't a good idea. Many women aren't able to have sex with multiple people. Your wife married you, yet the door opened for her to be with other men. She didn't choose to become unattracted to you, it just happened. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 I've never been into the cuckold thing at all but was heavily involved in the swinging lifestyle for many years so I am very familiar with many of the dynamics of consensual non monogamy. This marriage may or may not saved and may or may not even be worth saving. That depends on many factors and you have not provided much background info. Here is a brief synopsis of how the cuckolding scenario sets up up such a ripe environment for this to happen. It's mostly subconscious and biological and it's something no one ever mentions in the Swingers Handbook. Basically her subconscious is perceiving you as weak and undesirable. Strong men that love and value their wives do what is called "Mate Guarding" and keep other males from screwing with their wives. Women feel valued, loved and protected when men do this and they feel that the men are strong and not spineless wussys. Women are subconsciously attracted to strong, protective male and are unattracted to males they perceive as weak and/or males that do not value and protect them. A man that allows other men to have sexual contact with his mate is instinctually perceived as weak. A man that has sex with another mans mate is instinctually perceived as strong. Therefor when a woman's mate allows another man to have sex with her, she will instinctually see the OM as the stronger and fittest of the two. And as no woman is going to pick a "bull" that is shorter, less attractive and less hung than what she has at home 24/7 anyway, the bull is often see as the stronger and more attractive option. Add to that that while you were not watching, the OM was whispering in her ear that she is way too hot for you and that if she was his woman he would never allow any other man to get near her. So add it all up together and she basically got all filled full of love and sex hormones and feelings from what she perceives as a stronger and more virile man. As women often times can't reconcile their feelings for two men in their own mind, in a very short period of time, you were out and he was in. And since she had such strong feelings for him and had such a chemical rush with him, she lost respect and admiration for you. When she is with you she feels dirty and that she is cheating on this OM. There are couples that can swing together as couples and come out of it fine. But virtually all couples that partake in the cuckold lifestyle will encounter this eventually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 The bad news here is the reason she wants to work on the marriage is this Stud-Boy likely has no interest in being with her full time and she knows it. She just wants to stay with you so you can be her provider and keep her roof over her head. At the moment her heart and her vagina belong to him so even if you do stay married, she will have no sexual desire or attraction for you and your sexlife will basically be dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 Other things like what? Do you have children to consider? Bolded, that's why it's rare when bringing in someone else into the marriage isn't a good idea. Many women aren't able to have sex with multiple people. Your wife married you, yet the door opened for her to be with other men. She didn't choose to become unattracted to you, it just happened. Other things like, too much arguing over laundry and dishes and money.... Yes we have 2 kids. Well, if she is not attracted to me anymore, then we should divorce. But when that started we would introduce other people in our bed not often. and she never had any interest in any of those people, so I dont think it as a game changer at the time. When we married we were young and crazy, If we did a bad choice, we should change it now. I think I will insist until I am sure its over. I dont want to look back and think "I should have tried more". After we "separated", she started to separate really well the days (nights) each one had to go out (before she would only go, almost). I started o go out and do my thing (ride my motorcycle), and made some friends, had fun. It started to feel so good not having her controlling my life anymore. I have to stop now, I'm at work and abt to cry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 The bad news here is the reason she wants to work on the marriage is this Stud-Boy likely has no interest in being with her full time and she knows it. She just wants to stay with you so you can be her provider and keep her roof over her head. At the moment her heart and her vagina belong to him so even if you do stay married, she will have no sexual desire or attraction for you and your sexlife will basically be dead. Actually is not the case. He wanted her to move in with him, she considered just so she could move out of my house, but she preferred to have her own place. As of him being the alpha male, its a weird situation... he was richer, but she says the sex with him was not good, and my junk is much better sized. And knowing how it started, I can trust that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 I didnt cry after all... hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 The good news is it may possibly be fixed but it will take a lot of work and lot of changes on your part. Counseling will definitely be a part of that so don't cancel the counseling apt. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Me and my wife always had a very liberal lifestyle. We had other people in our bed, and some other things. Did you sleep with other people or did you just push her to do it? Sometimes that can be a big hangup for a wife. Also... what exactly do you mean by "other things"? Drugs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author regret143 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 The good news is it may possibly be fixed but it will take a lot of work and lot of changes on your part. Counseling will definitely be a part of that so don't cancel the counseling apt. Only on my part? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Actually is not the case. He wanted her to move in with him, she considered just so she could move out of my house, but she preferred to have her own place. As of him being the alpha male, its a weird situation... he was richer, but she says the sex with him was not good, and my junk is much better sized. And knowing how it started, I can trust that. People through around the terms like 'alpha male' etc without understanding the concepts or knowing what it means. This isn't about the size of "junk" or bank accounts. whenever someone has sex with someone else's wife, the OM is instinctually seen as the stronger man and the husband seen as the weaker. It's all about a subconscious perception and has nothing to do with the reality of the details. The husband can be a multi-millionaire, 6 1/2 fit tall, male model and movie star, bench press 500lbs and be hung like a mule and the OM can be some Average Schmoe down at the tire plant and he will still be perceived as the Top Dawg because he had the giblets and the ability to take what the other man had. By allowing her to have sex with other men, she instinctually sees you as weak and of not valuing her because you allowed another man to stick his dck in her and fill her up with his sperm (again specific realities don't matter, so don't come back and argue they used condoms) I am kind of wondering whether you actually value her or not myself. Do you even want to save your marriage and your relationship with her? Let's start there and work from there. Are you done with her or do you truly and sincerely want to be with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Only on my part? Depends on the situation. Again, we do not have much background info. How about you give us a little more background like your ages, how long you've been together, how long married, any kids and their ages, how was your relationship and sexlife in the beginning, when did things go downhill and why, how did the swinging/cuckolding start and why, what other activities did you guys do, any other cheating by either of you prior to this incident, what have you done to try and fix things before etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
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